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To think my daughter shouldn't do this?

(182 Posts)
NannyOne Thu 24-Aug-17 18:00:50

My daughter has been a single parent since her H left eight years ago (following his affair). She has done really well bringing up three youngsters who are now 22, 19 and 16 as well as working and studying in a professional job. Five years ago she began a relationship with a nice man (her only one since the divorce) and has enjoyed his company, going on holiday and staying at his house whilst I've looked after the children. She's now decided that she'd like her boyfriend to move in to her house with her and the children. However her eldest DS (22) won't have anything to do with the partner, will not even speak to him and has been like this for the whole five years. He seems to think his mother should not have another relationship ever. He says he will move out if her partner moves in. I'm so angry my daughter will do this and cause a rift in the family. I don't know what to say to her.

grumppa Thu 24-Aug-17 18:02:53

I think it's eldest DS who is being unreasonable.

Eglantine19 Thu 24-Aug-17 18:05:54

I agree. It's your grandson who is causing the rift, not your daughter. Five years seems a more than reasonable time to wait. Isn't it about time he moved out and got a life of his own?

suzied Thu 24-Aug-17 18:06:09

I assume the 22 yo will move out anyway in the not too distant future, he shouldn't stand in the way of his mothers happiness. He's old enough to stand on his own two feet if that what he wants.

Ana Thu 24-Aug-17 18:07:11

I'd be more inclined to be angry with your 22 year old grandson. Shouldn't he be getting his own life together instead of begrudging his mother a chance of future happiness?

DanniRae Thu 24-Aug-17 18:07:13

I agree with grumppa - Sorry!

mcem Thu 24-Aug-17 18:08:28

On the other hand he is an adult and has no right to dictate to his mother. Will he still 'forbid' new relationships when he's 30? or indefinitely?
As a young woman she should not accept that she must spend the rest of her life on her own if she doesn't choose to.
Neither do I believe you have the right to dictate to her from your angry stance.
This situation needs reason and compromise - not ultimatums from you or from DGS.

Welshwife Thu 24-Aug-17 18:09:29

I would ask your GS does he intend to remain single and live with his mother for the rest of her life. When my DD and her husband divorced the children were happy enough when their parents eventually found a new partner as they did not want either parent to remain living alone especially when they became old enough to have their own partners and homes.

Riverwalk Thu 24-Aug-17 18:13:55

I can never fathom why women let men move in with them - if the guy is so interested why doesn't he provide the home?

Of course, all things being equal, they would move into a mutually-financed home.

The son could well be looking after his mother's interests.

NannyOne Thu 24-Aug-17 18:14:31

I suppose I just think that she should continue as they are, meeting at weekends also that no one is upset.
I don't want any of my grandchildren to be upset.

NannyOne Thu 24-Aug-17 18:17:22

My daughter wouldn't sell her home as she views it as her security (she's worked hard to pay for it) and she says it will be less disruptive for the children if they stay living where they are. I don't think any of them would want to move. The partner would contribute to bills and food if he moves in so she'd be better off financially.

Eglantine19 Thu 24-Aug-17 18:23:27

But you don't mind if your daughter is upset?

MawBroon Thu 24-Aug-17 18:25:36

I am afraid YABU Nannyone! How old is your daughter? Don't you feel she can make her own decisions and that both her adult son and you should let her do just that?
Of course if you have serious reservations about the man in question, that is another matter, but speaking personally, by the time I was 22 I was getting married myself.
Time no. 1 son moved out I think.

NannyOne Thu 24-Aug-17 18:27:28

I suppose I think that as a mother she should put her children first and her decisions shouldn't cause them upset or make them leave home.
I don't see why she has to make this change and why she can't just continue with her partner as things are.

NannyOne Thu 24-Aug-17 18:28:43

Her eldest DS has just come back to live at home following three years at university.

annsixty Thu 24-Aug-17 18:29:41

Your D is entitled to a life.
Your GS is being unreasonable. Is he prepared to stay at home forever, of course he isn't.
You are being unfair and very unkind to your daughter..
You should be supporting her.

SueDonim Thu 24-Aug-17 18:31:13

I think at 22, your GS has no business interfering in his mother's life, when she isn't doing anything outrageous.

She's spent years raising her family single-handedly and now it's time she did something for herself.

Ilovecheese Thu 24-Aug-17 18:31:22

Well, yes you are being unreasonable. Are you worried that you won't see as much of your daughter if her partner moves in with her?
You say yourself he is a nice man, so it's not him you are worried about. Your grandson should not be bullying your daughter in this way. She is entitled to live a full life, she is not a teenager to just go on dates at the weekend.
Could you encourage your grandson to grow up a little

BlueBelle Thu 24-Aug-17 18:32:41

Not your business nanny one why should you dictate how her relationship should work Goodness me

Your grandsons an adult and should be thinking of having his own life by now, not living his mothers life for her
She's hardly been promiscuous one partner for five years
Much to much interfering going on by both you and him

If he's not spoken to the boyfriend for five years his poor mum must have been torn all this time Good for her for making a decision I hope they have a happy life together sounds like she deserves it

Moneyboss Thu 24-Aug-17 18:33:34

I hope your D doesn't get brow beaten into doing something that won't make her happy just to make you and your GS happy, where's the sense in that.

NannyOne Thu 24-Aug-17 18:33:39

I suppose I'm worried I'll see less of my GS if he feels he has to move out.
I feel he suffered the most during his parent's split. His father was awful to him and he has only seen him a handful of times since.

Eglantine19 Thu 24-Aug-17 18:36:32

I have to come clean here and say that I have been in a similar position to your daughter. My children were around the same age as hers when my husband died. After a while I met a very nice man and we saw each other at weekends for some years. His big concern at first was "What are your children going to think?" The reply that I didn't even have to think about was "They'll be happy that I'm happy." And of course they were. That's what being a family is about. Not one member trying to dictate the terms for family unity. Sorry, your grandson sounds like a sulky child at best and a bully at worst. I wish your daughter every happiness in HER life.

paddyann Thu 24-Aug-17 18:38:59

I understand where the grandson is coming from,he must be worried about his future.How many times have we heard about women moving in boyfriends and ending up losing their home when they split.The boy is concerned his mum is being conned.She needs to show him that wont happen by securing her finances so her new man cant just take over everything she has

suzied Thu 24-Aug-17 18:40:29

his father being awful to him doesn't seem a reason for him to deny his mothers happiness. Maybe a bit of family counselling?

Ilovecheese Thu 24-Aug-17 18:42:08

You would probably be starting to see less of your grandson anyway, now that he is an adult and hopefully will soon have a relationship of his own. You never know, pushing him out of the nest now, might lead to you having great grandchildren in the not too distant future, instead of him being an eternal bachelor living with his mum.