To think my daughter shouldn't do this?

NannyOne I suggest you tell your daghter how proud you are of her and the way she has worked, studied and supported her children since her unfaithful OH departed.

Tell her you like the nice man she's been seeing for the last five years and you will be pleased if he moves in with her if that's what they both want.

Say you realise that her son is not sure about how it might work out and offer to reassure him and explain to him that she is entitled to a happy future.

She will be glad to have your support. I hope all goes well.

I'm so glad you are changing your mind nannyone Life is never without risk. Your daughter is willing to take a chance, don't they say that you regret the things you didn't do rather than those you did.
All the best

I don't see why this relationship, poses such a risk, as some posters seem to think. DH and I had known each other for only 8 months , meeting on some weekends. That's taking a flyer on a relationship. Knowing each other for 5 years and, only when the children are supposedly ready to accept it, moving in together seems very cautious. We none of us know what life has in store, so carpe diem, and be happy.

Nannyone, I hope you have seen that there is another way to look at this.

It's understandable that you don't want your daughter to be hurt again, but she is already in a relationship; the man moving in won't change that. The only way to avoid being hurt is to cut yourself off from the world and I am sure you don't want that for her.

Nannyone.Your DD is to be admired for bringing up her children under such circumstances.
She should be allowed happiness but there appears to me to be some possessiveness on the part of your GS.
What if GS meets someone and wants to move in with them ?Would he consider his mother ?I doubt it.
Support your daughter she has done a grand job now let her have a life.

At 22 he is quite able to fend for himself, so let him go. Your daughter has done a magnificent job on her own (I know personally how difficult it can be, especially in the teenage years). Now she is entitled to some happiness of her own. It may be an empty threat - especially when he discovers how much he is and has been supported by the Bank of Mum

Well done Nannyone for starting to look at this through new eyes I think in your panic to spare your grandson you have overlooked your daughter and her partners needs and lasting love Five years is a long time to be part time partners everyone wants the security and closeness of a live in partner
Now instead of being anti change, you can help your daughter achieve this by talking some sense into the big guy

Good luck

Who are these 'children'? As far as I am aware, once a person reaches 18, they are considered adults! At 22 that is definitely so. Time he moved out and allowed his mother to live her own life, he doesn't own her!

Nannyone, I agree with most of the advice here, and I'm glad you're starting to see things differently. I know you're worried about dd getting hurt again - most mums would be. But things have been going well with this man for 5 years. Please trust dd to know what she's doing.

The best way to "help" gs, I think, is to ask him if he would be ok if his mum tried to dictate who he could go out with - then remind him that she feels the same way about her bf. Give him something to think about.

Norah, I get your point about waiting till the youngest moves out. But that could take another 5 or 6 years or more. Maybe dd can't bear to wait that long.

Your DD hasn't done your GS any favours Nannyone. She has brought up a selfish, entitled man child. She should have stopped him in his tracks when he refused to speak to her new partner. It's a different matter if she brought a man into the home after only knowing him for a short time, but they have been a couple for five years and are happy.

Why is she expected to give up a happy relationship when her children are nearly off her hands and would by now have their own interests, friends and lives to lead.

Nannyone, a few people have by now asked what the two younger siblings think of your DD's partner, and it'd be interesting to hear this. Presumably they have got to know him well over the last five years. Have they any issues, or any reservations about him moving in?

Hear, hear, faye! The daughter most certainly should have told her son to stop his nonsense as soon as it started when he was eighteen years old. I wouldn't take any crap like that from any of my offspring.

What a nerve. She raised three children single-handedly (no mean feat) after being cheated on and that's the thanks she gets. At 22 a graduate with a girlfriend should be acting like an adult and getting his own place anyway. Treating his lovely Mum to the odd meal or weekend wouldn't go amiss either.

I didn't want my mum to marry again I was younger than grandson . But she had been on her own a long time I'm glad she didn't bow down to me ,they had 20+ yeas together and I was able to get on with my life not having to worry about mum being alone .

Forgot to say brother was all for marriage he was right for once ?

I agree with all the comments here. Your daughter has put her life on hold to bring up her children on her own until they are adults. What more do you or her son expect?
As long as her finances and property are secured and can't be taken away just wish her the happiness she deserves.
If your grandson can't accept it he can always move in with you!

The only thing I would counsel your daughter is to make sure she consults a solicitor about the implications of her chap moving in. Does he own his own house? have his own DCs? Is she considering putting him on the deeds of her house? If, God forbid, she were to die, is her children's inheritance assured? It's always horrendous to have to consider these things when enjoying what sounds like a good relationship with a nice and patient man but she should.

Faye that's a bit harsh!! We have no idea what conversations Mum has had with her son regarding his lack of engagement with her bf. He was 16 when they got together ...she cant force him and I suspect has had to deal as best she can with the many tensions of bringing up teenagers, with this as an added issue! He is being selfish , yes, but that cant just be laid on his upbringing! My son was a selfish nightmare as a teenager and that carried on util he was mid twenties...with us being VERY clear what we thought whilst also loving him ....now in his thirties he has turned out just as we would have hoped despite those less than pleasant years!! Lets hope this son can do the same!!

Agree that dd couldn't have forced her ods to speak to her bf. Maybe he was very upset by the divorce and she decided to tread softly, at first, so as not to cause resentment. She probably thought he would thaw out in time. I'm sure a lot of mums would see it that way.

But since it hasn't and ds is now 22, I don't blame her for wanting to just going ahead with her life/move bf in, regardless of ds' attitude. It would make it a bit awkward for everyone, however, including bf. So maybe it would be just as well if ds made good on his threat to move out. Or perhaps she should encourage him to do so and not have bf move in till ds has relocated. Just my thoughts.

How dare he dictate like that. His mother is entitled to have love and happiness in her life. At 22 he will soon move on to his own life. He should be happy for his mother....so should you be happy for your daughter.

Madgran I don't think it's harsh at all, Nannyone's DD met a nice man after three years. In the five years since her DS has refused to speak to him his mother could have put her foot down very firmly as in you will act politely to my friend in our home. I would have, it's not up to the 22 year old to dictate to his mother how she should live her life, within reason of course ie if she was drinking heavily, neglecting her children for a man etc, that is a different matter.

I was in a similar situation, after my marriage breakup. So I do understand.

Your DS might not have turned out as he has if you didn't have clear boundaries when he was a teenager. It does appear that in Nannyone's DD's life she is being dictated to by her DS and her mother who is trying to spare her GS's feelings. He does need clear boundaries and if he still refuses after five years to speak to his mother's partner, the boundaries aren't strong enough.

What a very selfish young man. I wonder if he speaks to his fathers partner? Double standards? It's time for her to have happiness

Faye my point is that we don't actually know what boundaries mum has set or conversations have taken place between mum and son! She may have set boundaries, son may have ignored them as my son did, resulting in further conversations, boundaries and so on ....yes my son has turned out lovely now and yes our responses to his younger behaviour will have influenced that. In this case we only really know his grandmothers view of what is happening!! His mum is digging her heels in and having boyfriend to live with her, so she is actually not allowing him to dictate, just as we didn't with our son! Hopefully the OP can see with the many helpful responses on GN that she needs to support her DD not her GS with his selfish behaviour. Hopefully he will eventually get to where my son is now

Eldest sons (ie man of the house) struggle with mum having a new partner in a way that they don't resent their fathers 'moving on' (regardless of his relationship with dad). Been there and seen it in other families.

Well, life is full of struggles. Best he starts learning to overcome them now, before he 'moves out'.