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To think my daughter shouldn't do this?

(183 Posts)
NannyOne Thu 24-Aug-17 18:00:50

My daughter has been a single parent since her H left eight years ago (following his affair). She has done really well bringing up three youngsters who are now 22, 19 and 16 as well as working and studying in a professional job. Five years ago she began a relationship with a nice man (her only one since the divorce) and has enjoyed his company, going on holiday and staying at his house whilst I've looked after the children. She's now decided that she'd like her boyfriend to move in to her house with her and the children. However her eldest DS (22) won't have anything to do with the partner, will not even speak to him and has been like this for the whole five years. He seems to think his mother should not have another relationship ever. He says he will move out if her partner moves in. I'm so angry my daughter will do this and cause a rift in the family. I don't know what to say to her.

BlueBelle Mon 28-Aug-17 20:24:35

Much better if he does move out and move in with Nannyone and everyone will be happy do you have room for him Nannyone ? it's not excusable at 22 to dictate about his mums life he's been off living his own life at uni I bet he's not been too worried about his mum whilst there, now he's come back he's expecting to be in charge, no, sorry grandson, it doesn't work like that

trisher Mon 28-Aug-17 10:26:42

Some people seem to have so little understanding of people. Your GS was 14 when his father left and probably his mum was in a bad way at least for some time. He would have witnessed this as no-one else would. You have said his father was awful to him. He is obviously deeply distrustful of men and protective towards his mother. It isn't being horrible, it is expressing your concerns in the wrong way. Could you talk to him, explain that being hurt is part of life and there is no reason why this relationship should damage his mother like her previous one did. You might also point out that if he does it in the way he proposes, his moving out could upset his mum almost as much. Ask him to try staying but if he has to move out to do so quietly and without blaming his mum.

Imperfect27 Mon 28-Aug-17 08:57:04

Just saying ... If I were Nannyone I would have abandoned this thread long ago. So many posters have been rude / unpleasant about her GS. She sought advice and support - clearly trying to work through a complex situation in her own mind. I think she will have felt bruised by the 'tuppence' worth that many have freely given.

This often seems to be the case on this forum ... perhaps it should be renamed 'Post at your peril ...' Not for the faint-hearted.

Luckylegs9 Mon 28-Aug-17 07:34:59

Nanny one, doesn't your daughters happiness count fir anything. Let your grandson move in with you, he can sulk in peace then.

holdingontometeeth Mon 28-Aug-17 05:20:14

What a selfish, and ignorant brat the 22 year old appears to be.
As he has been like this since day one you couldn't put his behaviour down to worrying about his mothers financial stability as others have suggested.
A mother should always look after her children's needs has also been suggested, a view I agree with entirely, but a 22 year old child?
Admittedly he is still acting like a child, but I would think that in any other family a 22 year old would be classed as an adult!
I am also more than disappointed with the grandma's comments, angry at her daughter for grabbing a slice of happiness.
Try showing compassion.
I think an excellent solution would be for the 22 year old to move in with his grandma.

Bambam Mon 28-Aug-17 00:37:12

Your daughter should do what she wants. The younger children seem ok with it. The eldest boy is old enough to move out anyway if that is what he wants to do. He sounds very selfish to not want his Mum to be happy and very rude to have ignored her friend for 5 years. I would not have put up with that behaviour from the start. He sounds like a tyrant and a bully, trying to blackmail his Mother into doing as he says. Let him leave! His loss!

MissAdventure Sun 27-Aug-17 20:07:21

Apologies Nannyone.
It seems that you have taken on-board the advice you asked for.
I hope everything will work out well for all. flowers

MissAdventure Sun 27-Aug-17 19:53:09

Well, life is full of struggles. Best he starts learning to overcome them now, before he 'moves out'.

Hm999 Sun 27-Aug-17 19:44:31

Eldest sons (ie man of the house) struggle with mum having a new partner in a way that they don't resent their fathers 'moving on' (regardless of his relationship with dad). Been there and seen it in other families.

Madgran77 Sun 27-Aug-17 09:57:00

Faye my point is that we don't actually know what boundaries mum has set or conversations have taken place between mum and son! She may have set boundaries, son may have ignored them as my son did, resulting in further conversations, boundaries and so on ....yes my son has turned out lovely now and yes our responses to his younger behaviour will have influenced that. In this case we only really know his grandmothers view of what is happening!! His mum is digging her heels in and having boyfriend to live with her, so she is actually not allowing him to dictate, just as we didn't with our son! Hopefully the OP can see with the many helpful responses on GN that she needs to support her DD not her GS with his selfish behaviour. Hopefully he will eventually get to where my son is now

Grandmapeepee Sun 27-Aug-17 08:24:04

What a very selfish young man. I wonder if he speaks to his fathers partner? Double standards? It's time for her to have happiness

Faye Sat 26-Aug-17 22:50:59

Madgran I don't think it's harsh at all, Nannyone's DD met a nice man after three years. In the five years since her DS has refused to speak to him his mother could have put her foot down very firmly as in you will act politely to my friend in our home. I would have, it's not up to the 22 year old to dictate to his mother how she should live her life, within reason of course ie if she was drinking heavily, neglecting her children for a man etc, that is a different matter.

I was in a similar situation, after my marriage breakup. So I do understand.

Your DS might not have turned out as he has if you didn't have clear boundaries when he was a teenager. It does appear that in Nannyone's DD's life she is being dictated to by her DS and her mother who is trying to spare her GS's feelings. He does need clear boundaries and if he still refuses after five years to speak to his mother's partner, the boundaries aren't strong enough.

Theoddbird Sat 26-Aug-17 21:32:45

How dare he dictate like that. His mother is entitled to have love and happiness in her life. At 22 he will soon move on to his own life. He should be happy for his should you be happy for your daughter.

Starlady Sat 26-Aug-17 14:47:40

Agree that dd couldn't have forced her ods to speak to her bf. Maybe he was very upset by the divorce and she decided to tread softly, at first, so as not to cause resentment. She probably thought he would thaw out in time. I'm sure a lot of mums would see it that way.

But since it hasn't and ds is now 22, I don't blame her for wanting to just going ahead with her life/move bf in, regardless of ds' attitude. It would make it a bit awkward for everyone, however, including bf. So maybe it would be just as well if ds made good on his threat to move out. Or perhaps she should encourage him to do so and not have bf move in till ds has relocated. Just my thoughts.

Madgran77 Sat 26-Aug-17 14:00:53

Faye that's a bit harsh!! We have no idea what conversations Mum has had with her son regarding his lack of engagement with her bf. He was 16 when they got together ...she cant force him and I suspect has had to deal as best she can with the many tensions of bringing up teenagers, with this as an added issue! He is being selfish , yes, but that cant just be laid on his upbringing! My son was a selfish nightmare as a teenager and that carried on util he was mid twenties...with us being VERY clear what we thought whilst also loving him in his thirties he has turned out just as we would have hoped despite those less than pleasant years!! Lets hope this son can do the same!!

alchemilla Sat 26-Aug-17 13:43:22

The only thing I would counsel your daughter is to make sure she consults a solicitor about the implications of her chap moving in. Does he own his own house? have his own DCs? Is she considering putting him on the deeds of her house? If, God forbid, she were to die, is her children's inheritance assured? It's always horrendous to have to consider these things when enjoying what sounds like a good relationship with a nice and patient man but she should.

HannahLoisLuke Sat 26-Aug-17 13:13:54

I agree with all the comments here. Your daughter has put her life on hold to bring up her children on her own until they are adults. What more do you or her son expect?
As long as her finances and property are secured and can't be taken away just wish her the happiness she deserves.
If your grandson can't accept it he can always move in with you!

hulahoop Sat 26-Aug-17 12:45:55

Forgot to say brother was all for marriage he was right for once ?

hulahoop Sat 26-Aug-17 12:29:06

I didn't want my mum to marry again I was younger than grandson . But she had been on her own a long time I'm glad she didn't bow down to me ,they had 20+ yeas together and I was able to get on with my life not having to worry about mum being alone .

strawberrinan Sat 26-Aug-17 10:41:52

What a nerve. She raised three children single-handedly (no mean feat) after being cheated on and that's the thanks she gets. At 22 a graduate with a girlfriend should be acting like an adult and getting his own place anyway. Treating his lovely Mum to the odd meal or weekend wouldn't go amiss either.

Baggs Sat 26-Aug-17 09:38:19

Hear, hear, faye! The daughter most certainly should have told her son to stop his nonsense as soon as it started when he was eighteen years old. I wouldn't take any crap like that from any of my offspring.

Maggiemaybe Sat 26-Aug-17 09:26:21

Nannyone, a few people have by now asked what the two younger siblings think of your DD's partner, and it'd be interesting to hear this. Presumably they have got to know him well over the last five years. Have they any issues, or any reservations about him moving in?

Faye Sat 26-Aug-17 04:44:38

Your DD hasn't done your GS any favours Nannyone. She has brought up a selfish, entitled man child. She should have stopped him in his tracks when he refused to speak to her new partner. It's a different matter if she brought a man into the home after only knowing him for a short time, but they have been a couple for five years and are happy.

Why is she expected to give up a happy relationship when her children are nearly off her hands and would by now have their own interests, friends and lives to lead.

Starlady Fri 25-Aug-17 23:23:53

Nannyone, I agree with most of the advice here, and I'm glad you're starting to see things differently. I know you're worried about dd getting hurt again - most mums would be. But things have been going well with this man for 5 years. Please trust dd to know what she's doing.

The best way to "help" gs, I think, is to ask him if he would be ok if his mum tried to dictate who he could go out with - then remind him that she feels the same way about her bf. Give him something to think about.

Norah, I get your point about waiting till the youngest moves out. But that could take another 5 or 6 years or more. Maybe dd can't bear to wait that long.

Everthankful Fri 25-Aug-17 21:44:34

Who are these 'children'? As far as I am aware, once a person reaches 18, they are considered adults! At 22 that is definitely so. Time he moved out and allowed his mother to live her own life, he doesn't own her!