Last moments

I would like to be carried out from the church - by my three sons and 3 son -in laws to Gracie Fields singing "wish me luck as you wave me goodbye" - my husband - a man of the cloth has said "over my dead body" we shall see!

At the moment I am even thinking about putting in my will that my family need not attend. If they can't make the effort while I am alive, why bother to visit a lifeless corpe?

I'm only 35 and just planned my wishes.. I am pregnant and have a complication which heightens the death risk of my c-section to 9% so I'll prob be fine BUT someone needs to die so I want to be prepared.. I've got everything down to a fine tune lol.. I expect my family to follow my wishes and they shouldn't change them in the slightest.. It's my death so it's up to me.. I'd never dream of questioning anyone's wishes so I don't think you're being unreasonable, I actually like your idea and may use it myself!! Xx

What a great thread. So many people avoid any discussion about this seriously big topic or it is so dressed up in soppy euphemisms as to be quite unintelligible. I think we all have a responsibility to let those who will probably have to deal with it all to know our wishes both verbally and in writing. But what happens when it all happens is beyond our control. Most people, I think, would like having those who love them around in the final period, if not necessarily the final moment. As several people have noted often people do die just after as loved ones leave or even pop out to the loo. If at all possible I do believe it is important to do our utmost to honour and respect the final wishes of someone we love but this is not always possible for many reasons. Like most parts of life we generally do our best. Having had to deal with the complications of several very messy Wills please pay your children or beneficiaries the respect of making your wishes and intentions as clear and straightforward as possible.

I don't think you're being unreasonable if that's what you'd like. I'd like my family to put something that makes them feel better since they're the ones who have things to deal with.

I've told my family my wishes, written full funeral instructions and all I hope now is that if I can't enjoy life any longer I can be allowed to go in peace with some dignity. Only MIL, DH and DS left now, so not much point in a lot of fuss (suspect that I'll be the 3rd of them to die) and all that remains of real concern is that want DS to find Ms Right and let me see some GC!

As one who was taken to A E yesterday,with my eyes closed because of vertigo and nausea, I realise the last thing you probably hear is "the ambulance is on its way."
Either that or my DH screeching" Mind that ... " as I am driving.
Am better today, off into the garden.

my funeral instructions are in my will.no expensive coffin made of wood that could be better used than being burned,no waste of money on flowers,as my own mum always said take flowers to the living when they can enjoy them dont take them to the dead to lie withering at a grave or in a crematorium garden and NO headstone..or memorial of any kind.I have lived a good life ,as best I can ,and done all that is within my power to do for others but I certainly dont want a chunk of stone with stuff written on it ...like the rest of the human race I have lived and I will die ....end of .no obit either in local press,anyone who needs to know will be told ...

Agree totally with maryeliza54 - what difference will it make to you whether you have the friends and family whose lives you are a part of, or some 'compassionate' nurse who you may not even know? Is it because you want this nurse to give you a gentle help along the way? It's the people who are left behind who feel the lasting pain, so if you do have family and/or friends who may want to be with you, why not? This all supposes it will happen that way anyway, which is unlikely.

I just had this very conversation with my youngest son yesterday.

I do not want anyone to sit with me and wait for me to die, it is harowing and I have done it so I know. I have lived an independant life and I want an independant death, just me walking home. I've told the kids to leave me to it.

I loathe hospices, they make me me cringe with their well meaningness.........when my mother died, in the early hours of the morning the hospice nurse met me at the lift and said ' you have just missed it' as if it were the penalty shoot out in a cup final.

The hospital where dad died was just as bad, kept offering me a priest to give him a blessing, he was a blessing, he didn't need their mumbo jumbo.

My obituary will read 'she didn't like any of them'.

I was interested in becoming a soul midwife but found it all too hippyfied, I have lived my life without the need for a Tibetan singing bowl I don't want all that faffing about when I am leaving.

I have booked a click and collect funeral, just me and the chas at the crem. The kids can do whatever they like about a get together, it is for them not me, so at a time and place to suit themselves or not as the case may be.

I don't care if people choose to say passed, passed on, passed away, lost, it's their grief and they have to cope with it.

I don't want to pass either so I think I'll just be "late" like Mma Ramotswe's father!

I worked in a nursing home for several years and quite a few residents had family with them for days, sometimes weeks, at their bedside and it was when the family left for a short time that they died. It was as if they didn't want their loved ones to see them go.
Blodwen1910, can you ask them not to put it in your obituary if that is your choice?

I am always puzzled by the term 'surrounded by his/her family'. Are they all there (I wonder how many) waiting for the final breath? Do they talk, converse, laugh, cry? If it's in hospital I'm sure the staff are delighted when masses of relatives arrive! No, I want to do what both my mother and my sister did - die 5 minutes before I arrived. I had said my goodbyes the previous day and they both knew I loved them.

Is Blodwen still with us? Sorry but it could read as though her loved ones have had their last visit.

I am wondering why ask the question - are loved ones upset at being shut out? I can understand wanting to be alone or just with professionals, even if you are dying, you may feel that you have to be thinking of the loved ones needs rather than the other way round, when perhaps you may want to relax and be mindful of your last moments. There are one or two people I would not mind having sitting there, saying nothing, just in companionable silence, but would hate all the family members to be gathered round watching. On the other hand, they might feel offended or upset at being pushed away from my last moments, and carry that with them for the rest of their life, whereas, once I am dead, my last few moments on earth will hardly matter to me anymore.
If you are lucky enough to be in a hospice at the end, you could let the staff know how you feel, they will be used to dealing with it in a gentke kindly, manner.

Thanks for a great thread of funny posts.

...best laugh I've had for sometime.

'Passed away' is appalling! What's wrong with 'dead' or 'died'? Think it might be American, along with 'casket' (ugh!)

This is your Obituary which I presume you won't be able to read so is it worth upsetting your family about. With the state of the NHS you will be lucky to be in hospital unless you know you will be in a hospice and with the lack of nurses you could be dying alone. So you could be at home and it would be your family.

I think they just wanted people to know they cared. Maybe better wording would be "She died with the support of family and friends". This might meet everyone's needs.

I want want Spike Milligan put.... "I TOLD you I was ill!"



I'm having Christmas music at my 'Death-day partay'. Planned it with the grandkids!

My friend told me she had 'lost' her mum, well I am afraid I said I am sure you will find her if not let the police know! Anyway, I saw an interesting article about oldies making their own coffins in New Zealand. They had classes and everyone decorated it in their own way. One woman had a giant picture of Elvis on the lid as she could think of anything better than having Elvis lying on top of her! . Love to have make my own coffin, soft pillow, warm blanket ....

Sugarpufffairy, you have my sympathy, you now are one of the many people who realise that the thing that's wrong with the NHS is the people who work there, but one of the few who will say something about it, believe me you are not alone when you say your experience was not want you wanted.

for chelseababy, I'm glad you were able to be with your mum.

I feel the same as you NfkD. My Dad died alone in hospital, I wish it could have been different but there was nothing I could do. My mum is having palliative care in a care home and I can't be with her 24 hours a day. She wouldn't want me to feel guilty, I am overwhelmed with sadness though and so thankful for the carers who are seeing to her every need.

My Mum died at home, I had been there all night with my Dad holding her hand, she died in the few minutes it took for me to make a quick call home. My Dad was in a Hospice. The nurses were sure he had a few hours and advised us to go to a room to rest. Our sons went home. He died just after we had all left his bedside. I believe they both chose it that way. I cant predict what I would want at the moment of death other than to be at home or in a Hospice if home was not possible. Yes, I would like loving company in the hours and minutes before but at the actual moment? Maybe I would make the same choice as my parents. It is very personal, no right or wrong and yes, sometimes circumstances take over and we have no choice.

I wasn't with either of my parents when they died. My dad hung on until mum and I had left before he died. He was a very private man and I think he wanted it that way, but mum wanted me there but died unexpectedly in the middle of the night. I've always felt guilty about not being with her.

So I don't care whose with me, and have made it clear. I don't want to lay that guilt on any of those I love. Someone holding my hand and chatting would be nice, but a nurse or passer by will do fine.