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to treat 1 grandchild differently because she treats me different?

(120 Posts)
GreenwoodGranny Thu 07-Sep-17 20:04:36

Hi, I have 4 grandchildren (21, 18, 16, 8) I recently gave them all £100 for exam success (apart from 8 year old but she gets different things).

The 18 year old hasn't said thank you yet my son always does it on her behalf. She never comes over to see me, the others always do and her and the 21 yo are sisters.

I find it really sad.

annsixty Thu 07-Sep-17 20:24:05

Sadly I find this is prevalent with young people these days even when they thanked when younger.
I do occasionally say this to friends and they agree and sometimes bring it up themselves.

midgey Thu 07-Sep-17 20:37:13

Writing is on the time miss her out. You could put the present or money away for her in the hope she learns!

Lisalou Thu 07-Sep-17 21:21:01

Would it be terribly wrong to speak to her about it directly? Tell her that it is really bad manners not to thank you and that you feel hurt that she didn't/doesn't?
I think that sometimes we try so hard to get across our message with subtlety and it would be so much easier to just talk it over...

norose4 Thu 07-Sep-17 21:41:32

I agree Greenwoodgranny, it does seem to be a trend these days,strange really with today's technology , mobiles , computers etc it really couldn't be any easier or quicker to send a short message . Most are brought up to say thank you but seem to fall by the wayside. I always think it would be good to 'accidentally ' forget to give to them one year & see what the reaction is , so far I haven't been brave enough!

paddyann Thu 07-Sep-17 22:18:51

My own children have been known to say thank gran for the present she sent me and their gran sees nothing wrong with that .I think you can get too hung up on how things USED to be done .Its different days ,my son works from 9am until 1am the next day regularly his gran knows he 's short of time and the fact he 'll msg me to say thanks to her is enough.Dont take it personally .I dont think any gift should be given with conditions ...even a thank you

Baggs Thu 07-Sep-17 22:35:01

Did you give her the gift because you wanted to give her a gift to congratulate her on her exam success or did you give her the gift so that she would thank you?

Thanks are nice but thanks are not the purpose of gift giving.

Lisalou Fri 08-Sep-17 07:06:33

True Baggs, but I think there is nothing wrong with good manners, and I really don't see them as something which should change because times are changing.

Imperfect27 Fri 08-Sep-17 07:21:50

Tricky. I think gifting should be unconditional and that you should not treat her differently. However, somehow GD needs to be reminded that she should remember 'thank yous'.

I wouldn't penalise her, but I would look for an opportunity ahead of the next time when it is likely you will give a gift, to convey - maybe through her older sister / parents, that a 'thank you' is appreciated.

Our young people live in very fast-moving times with many calls upon their attention and in their teen years I do think they get very self-absorbed and simply don't think when no offence at all is intended. Some are more naturally thoughtful, some need training in smile.

gillybob Fri 08-Sep-17 07:36:49

I agree with paddyann and Baggs The gift was given to say "well done" which I imagine would have made you feel really good GreenwoodGranny (I get a real buzz from giving) so let that be enough. Anyway she might announce sometime way in the future "I bought a lovely XYZ with the money you gave me Granny, Thank you" which would be the icing on the cake. Please don't start to treat her any differently to the others.

RedheadedMommy Fri 08-Sep-17 07:44:28

No sorry its not the 'norm' these days. I know plenty of young adults who may not see their grandparents everyday but are atleast polite!

£100 and not even a phone call?! Shocking.

Anya Fri 08-Sep-17 07:49:26

Disagree that 'thank you' doesn't matter and it's unkind to suggest that the OP only gave so she could be thanked. She gave simply in the spirit of congratulations It says a lot about the person receiving the gift.

If it was my grandchild I'd actually speak to her about it, though Greenwood says she never sees this one, in which case I'd text her and just ask what her plans are now she's completed her A levels (assuming at 18 that's what the exam success was) and see if that elicits a response.

If she didn't reply then her cut off from future funds as far as I'm concerned.

Luckygirl Fri 08-Sep-17 07:59:46

Do you love this lass? - if so treat her as someone you love.

She will come through this phase - you do not know what might be going on in her life.

Anya Fri 08-Sep-17 08:15:29

PS it's pathetic that at 18 her father has to do the thanking on her behalf. I'm thinking it's time she grew up and he made her do stuff for herself.

Eglantine19 Fri 08-Sep-17 09:14:22

I'm just wondering Greenwood if you use the kind of communication that she will use? Anya says text and I think that is a good idea if you use text. Or Facebook her This is how they communicate now and we have to do the same if we want to keep up with them.
Letters, phone calls, other than the quick mobile call and even email don't feature in their lives.
Please don't treat her differently. It's a way to make sure there will be a rift that will never be healed.

M0nica Fri 08-Sep-17 09:27:04

One way to get on in life is to be assiduous about the little courtesies. This applies as much to children and teenagers as adults. The sooner this lass learns that the better.

I would just 'forget' about her next time you are being generous.

glammanana Fri 08-Sep-17 09:38:17

Greenwood Your DGD may think that the thank you her father gave you would maybe be ok with you she is obviously totally different to your other DGDs in responding to your kindness,she will ofcourse love you to bits in her own way,I have 4 grown up DGSs and we treet them every now and then but they are all different in their ways of saying thank you.

lemongrove Fri 08-Sep-17 09:48:25

I think you have to treat all the DGC the same, regardless of thoughtlessness on the part of some.
It's not a good sign that she hasn't bothered to phone or even text her thank you, but if she won't come and see you, and the others do, seems it is par for the course.
You could ask your son why she doesn't visit and the others do?

FarNorth Fri 08-Sep-17 09:51:04

Maybe you could ask your son why he always thanks you, on his daughter's behalf, and say that you'd like to hear from her and to have her come round.

wildswan16 Fri 08-Sep-17 09:53:13

Unfortunately I would be more inclined to blame her parents for her lack of manners. She is old enough to think for herself but if she has not been brought up to observe common courtesy by herself that is quite sad. Sometimes parents have to insist on things happening, even at age 18 - and this is one of them.

But I would not treat her any differently - she is still very young and you do not want to cause any kind of rift at this stage in her life. (Maybe she needs your love even more in order to give her good values).

Jaycee5 Fri 08-Sep-17 10:41:44

I think that it is a shame that her father gave thanks on her behalf because otherwise you could contact her and ask her if she received it and say that you were getting worried that she hadn't as you hadn't heard.
Maybe as he has chosen to be the communicator you can speak to him next time it is gift time and let him know that you are a bit reluctant to give to her as she didn't personally thank you. He may have told his daughter that he did that and she thinks it is ok or just hasn't thought any more about it at all.
Other than that, I wouldn't make too much of it. You don't know what is happening with her.

radicalnan Fri 08-Sep-17 10:45:06

I have used the phrase 'thank you would be nice', it seems to work, parents do seem to think that they can do thanks on behalf of their chidren, not really good enough.

I have one grand daughter who thanks me beautifully for gifts and help received, it is very nice.

Coconut Fri 08-Sep-17 10:48:39

I am a laid back Nan, but would not accept one of my grandchildren not saying thank you. It's just the very basic rule of good manners and luckily my children have installed that firmly as I did with them. Hand any future gifts over personally, then it alleviates the issue, as face to face they would say thank you and with a hug too !

arum Fri 08-Sep-17 10:49:52

She probably does not even realise how important a Thank you Gran" means to you. Perhaps you could approach her and personally congratulate hetr on her good marks, and then ask if she put the money to good use or is she saving it for something special.
It would be unfair to exclude her from your generosities. Who knows, she may turn out to be the grandchild who cares the most for her gran when you need a little extra love and care. You can also speak to the child's parent if it bothers you so much.

Rolande Fri 08-Sep-17 10:50:19

Times are changing? Does that mean that manners go out the window? No! I tell my grand-children off even in front of their parents. That is what parents and grand-parents are for. To bring children up and good manners are a big part of it! Tell that grand-daughter that it is simply good manners to say thank you for a present, no need to tell her it upsets you. That is a different story!