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AIBU to be horrified DD2 is going down the sperm donation route to be a single mother?

(79 Posts)
JulesT65 Fri 08-Sep-17 20:24:43


My DD2 is 27 and has been in her new house 2 years (first home) and has had 1 serious relationship in her lifetime, she had been with them since she was 16 and they were great together, he moved in after her being in her new place a year. She used to phone me very upset saying she loves him so much, but doesn't want to live with him. She explained that this was going to be a reoccurring problem for her (which I didn't think much of) and she later broke up with him, saying that since moving in, it was expected that they spent a lot of time together and I was very much, well eh, yeah! Anyway, she recently came out to me today that she is going to be using her savings for IUI treatment (I had no idea what this even was until I looked it up!)

She says she wants to separate a relationship with having children and that they are 2 separate things to her... I wasn't really getting it.

She plans on having her first at around 30, she says the treatment may not work straight away so wants to start the consultations, etc. now.

She has a good job (50k a year) which is more than me and her dad brought up 3 children on, so I'm not worried about that, but I am worried about the decisions she is making.

It seems very odd to me to separate an intimate relationship and having a baby, as without all modern day science, it wouldn't happen..........

I spoke to a friend about it who has a daughter who is going through IVF (with her husband) so it's completely different and probably shouldn't have asked, as she said I should be happy I'm going to have a grandchild, but I do already have 2 (from DD1) so it's not like I can focus on having a grandchild at the end.

I suppose I'm hoping other nannies see where I am coming from... It's not something you wish for your child, is it? It sounds a very lonely life. She has always been like this, never enjoyed going out with friends as a teen, but was never depressed, etc. it was just her personality.

She has said in no way does she expect any childcare help from me, but of course I have told her to not be silly. I would obviously love the child as much as my other GC and want to look after them, etc. but I'm just finding it all odd and hard to process.

paddyann Sat 09-Sep-17 10:40:23

Better to have one happy parent than two who cant get along,the OP has said she was always a solitary girl so this is her best option.Nothing to say she cant/wont have relationships in the future but for now this is what she wants .Think how many divorces are like ww111 because of fighting over children or mothers who deny access,or fathers who walk away.I think this is a very sensible idea for someone who wants a child but not a man .

Marianne1953 Sat 09-Sep-17 10:41:30

I am thinking she is worried about her fertility lasting and may not find a partner in time and making sure she has a child before it's too late. There's a lot of reports these days on female fertility running out of time and I think people are panicking unnecessarily , where a simple test would predict this. Your Daughter may have taken this test and perhaps is running out of time.

quizqueen Sat 09-Sep-17 10:57:29

It's a shame babies can't be asked first whether they'll mind not having a close male figure in their lives. To chose to parent alone is, in my opinion, a very selfish attitude, something they are doing for themselves not for the good of the child. Being in a bad relationship is, of course, probably worse which is why women especially those who hope to have children should chose very a partner wisely.

goldengirl Sat 09-Sep-17 11:07:06

My DD couldn't live with her longterm partner either but they managed to have 2 children together - somehow! The father features a great deal in their life so perhaps this young man will also do his bit. Luckily we all get on well - even with the 'sort of ex' partner's family which is a bonus really. It's your daughter's decision and you will probably welcome the little one just as you do your other GC. How the baby arrives is not the issue really - it's the love it gets when s/he is here that is the most important.

M0nica Sat 09-Sep-17 11:09:16

My concern is not that this woman will not be living with the father nor that she will be a single mother. My concern is how a woman who admits she could not cope with having another person living in her house, remember her relationship had lasted 5 years until they lived together. and it is the living together bit she finds so hard, will ever cope with having a child around 24/7, especially in those first years when the child will not you even go to the loo without standing outside demanding to be let in.

I do not think the fact that it is your child makes any difference at all. There will be times when another adult in the house will go out, if only into the garden to work, or to a sports centre or do shopping or whatever, but a child will never leave you. Do none of you remember the early days with a small child? Someone who cannot cope with another adult in the house is going to have real problems coping with a child.

I am sorry I do not see a 'happy mother, happy child' outcome here.

IngeJones Sat 09-Sep-17 11:17:18

You have a good point, M0nica

GoldenAge Sat 09-Sep-17 11:39:02

Good luck to your daughter - she may be following the mould but she obviously has maternal instincts and shouldn't be denied her entitlement to satisfy these just because she doesn't want a man around. The only issue is whether she's capable of bringing a child up in a loving household and it seems that she is able to do that. I know you will give her every support when the time comes.

paddyann Sat 09-Sep-17 11:41:05

she works ,she has a job/career she can use childcare during the days so she will only be with the baby evenings and weekends and I'm sure Granny will help out if she needs some me time .Very negative post Monica,tens of thousands of mothers live very happy lives WITHOUT a man in them ,she will have support from her family I would imagine ..but at the end of the day she doesn't want to have a man in her life and she wants a child thats HER choice and we should all be happy that she knows what she wants.Back in the day we took photographs for many couples who were getting married BECAUSE of a pregnancy ,a lot of those didn't last until the baby was even born!At least she wont have to face that scenario.

Chrishappy Sat 09-Sep-17 11:58:40

My daughter is gay and married to a lovely girl. Daughter badly wanted children and now has a toddler son and baby daughter both through IUI and the same doner, which cost them a lot of hard earned money even through nhs. They are fantastic parents. The lack of a permanent male figure has had no detriment as they have grandad and uncles. The fertility unit does council them beforehand and provides a folder of doners who are only signed up after full medical history and medical tests. Doners also write in the folder and there's said he would be delighted to help a gay couple and would also if any children were born would be more than fine to be contacted by them when they come of age. Having a 'father' is not the bee all and end all in today's society. Being loved is. Some fathers leave their children and some have kids all over the place.there is no nuclear family today. Our grandchildren are adored by the whole family and by friends and have very happy young lives which I believe is a good grounding for adulthood.

patriciageegee Sat 09-Sep-17 13:31:24

I think we're struggling to find a new ethical way to live our lives in the face of great scientific leaps forward. On the one hand not knowing the dad or mum (or both) who created you seems to cause massive heartbreak- programmes such as Long Lost Family seem to attest to this - so why would you willingly put your child through such anguish as though the need for a child over rides the needs of a child? But maybe that's a completely dystopian view and in the long run more children conceived this way have happy contented lives regardless of how they came into the world.

aggie Sat 09-Sep-17 13:50:39

Any Archers fans relating to this ? Only asking , don't jump at me

sarahellenwhitney Sat 09-Sep-17 14:18:17

Jules T65 Your DD so clearly needs to love and be loved
On her terms.
Did she not want the man she had a relationship with to father her child?
She claims to have loved this man so much but couldn't live with him?? One can only wonder why.
An income that gives her independence so why be tethered? I am sorry but that is a word that comes to mind.
What will the birth of a child do.? What part of her life is she prepared to give up to be a mother?If living with an adult was not to her liking what pressures will be upon her to give her attention to a child??
Or will this responsibility be expected of or given to another. ?

luluaugust Sat 09-Sep-17 14:48:47

There is a lot going on, here we have a woman who is only 27, says she wants to be a mum but is going to wait for around 3 years before she does anything. Obviously the break up with her only boyfriend has set her thinking, why does she assume because she couldn't live with him she couldn't live with anybody ever. How does she get on with her nephews or nieces is she hands on, perhaps your DD1 should leave them with her on a few occasions to see how things go. I do wish her well but I just wonder if she is jumping the gun a bit.

seasider Sat 09-Sep-17 15:43:03

As a child who has reached age 60 without knowing the identity of my father I can confirm that it is so so.important. My grandfathers died before I was born and my uncles lived away. I had a very strict and distant stepfather and how I envied , and still do, my friends who were close to their dads. It has affected my relationships as I be attracted to "father figures". Like your daughter I feel I am not suited to living with someone as I am very independent and self sufficient. Please ask your daughter to think carefully about the impact on her future child.

justwokeup Sat 09-Sep-17 16:27:32

Wholeheartedly agree with luluaugust: if she has confided in DD1, maybe she could take her DNs on holiday for a week by herself to see how she gets on, if DD1 and the children agree. Not nearly so serious, but same principle, my DD 'borrowed' a dog for a week, just before she bought one, which completely changed her mind because it was too dependent on her! Otherwise your DD is very fortunate she has a lovely supportive family because she will need all of you.

princesspamma Sat 09-Sep-17 16:53:01

Yes you are. Not everyone wants to be in a relationship with a partner, but that doesn't necessarily mean they don't want children either. She has obviously thought carefully about what she wants to do, she is financially able to go through this process and raise a child on her own. Could you not just support her through what will doubtless be a difficult and at times stressful process?

willa45 Sat 09-Sep-17 16:54:20

These days young people hold off marriage for a variety of reasons. They endure long courtships and marriage may or may not happen until the woman's biological clock is about to expire.

After her recent breakup, your daughter may feel that finding 'Mr. Right' (before it's too late) is probably going to be a tall order. At age 27, she's in her prime and she's also ready to be a mother. Why put herself on hold waiting for a partner who may or may not materialize?
If modern medicine can provide, then why not have her baby while she still can?

grannyticktock Sat 09-Sep-17 17:24:52

Those last two posts (princesspamma and willa45) are all about the young woman wants, and her right to have what she wants, when she wants it.

Sorry, but we're not talking about a new car or a house, or even a pet, we're talking about another human being. A baby needs selfless commitment and 24-hour love and care. A child will benefit hugely from the care and attention of a father as well as a mother.

Yes, many women are successful single mothers, but many struggle to cope. To actively choose this lifestyle for your child and deny him a father because of your own inadequacies in adult relationships is setting yourself up for problems.

paddyann Sat 09-Sep-17 17:49:40

somewhat judgemental grannyticktockshe's old enough to make her own decisions about her life and what she wants from it,Should she hang about for "mr right" in the hope when /if he happens along he might be on the same page re children ...or should she do what SHE wants now.I know what I;d do There are likely hundreds of thousands of children of all ages in this country who would tell you they didn't get any care or attention from their "father" in fact many whose lifes were blighted by them.I have nephews and a neice who would have been far better without theirs

marionk Sat 09-Sep-17 19:38:14

At least she has thought it through! so many children are conceived without any thought and so many people become single parents unexpectedly, this little one will start off with a mother who is as prepared as she can be.
The best of luck with the procedure

grannyticktock Sat 09-Sep-17 19:48:29

That's the precise point I was trying to make, paddyann: what SHE WANTS shouldn't be the main criterion. If she wants a holiday, a sports car, a tattoo or a designer handbag, she should go right ahead and have them, but a child is not a possession. A child has needs, wants and rights of its own, and these should come before this "I want it, and I want it now!" mentality.

Sure, there are children who don't get enough care from their father; there are also some who suffer shocking neglect at the hands of their mother, who may nevertheless have wanted a baby originally. Deliberately narrowing the options down to one parent is increasing the stress on that parent and the chances of problems arising later on.

BlueBelle Sat 09-Sep-17 20:03:39

This lady has thought this through is well placed financially and can afford to do this
Many children don't grow up with fathers for a variety of reasons My own (3) kids grew up without a dad as he was a shit father my grandkids are growing up without a father.
because he died kids can grow up with abusive fathers or little seen fathers or drugged up fathers, many are born out of wedlock and never know who there father is
Just because you can't live with a man doesn't mean you can't live ve with a child and in difficult or abusive relationships going it alone can be a lot less stressful

This lady seems very clued up and knowledgable I m sure the child will be told all they need to know as they need it I think she should be supported in this decision

Deedaa Sat 09-Sep-17 21:31:02

Jules I'm taking the term "good job" to mean something probably in management, which seems to be about the only way women can earn enough to be self sufficient. If you are used to managing others it can be a shock when you find a baby can't be managed in the same way.

Shizam Sat 09-Sep-17 21:32:00

Not sure about the 'if she can't live with the dad, how will she cope with teenagers'. My ex was useless when he was here. Now more helpful. One teenager was fab. Other one a nightmare. I was dealing it with on my own, although did moan to ex often on phone as friends got bored! I would still rather have even a useless partner or ex involved. But I had no parents alive. So if you're happy to help, maybe she'll be ok. And with a good nanny, as she has a well paid job, it could work!

Anya Sat 09-Sep-17 21:45:29

My cousins went down this route. She now has a lovely 11 year old daughter and they cope just fine. Yes, she had a good job and was able to take extended maternity leave and afford good child care, plus her family help out.

There a huge difference between sharing your house with a partner and sharing it with your own baby, child, teenager, etc...

Works for them, they are very close still.

All you can do is support her in her decision and enjoy the resulting grandchild.