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AIBU to be horrified DD2 is going down the sperm donation route to be a single mother?

(78 Posts)
JulesT65 Fri 08-Sep-17 20:24:43

Hiya,

My DD2 is 27 and has been in her new house 2 years (first home) and has had 1 serious relationship in her lifetime, she had been with them since she was 16 and they were great together, he moved in after her being in her new place a year. She used to phone me very upset saying she loves him so much, but doesn't want to live with him. She explained that this was going to be a reoccurring problem for her (which I didn't think much of) and she later broke up with him, saying that since moving in, it was expected that they spent a lot of time together and I was very much, well eh, yeah! Anyway, she recently came out to me today that she is going to be using her savings for IUI treatment (I had no idea what this even was until I looked it up!)

She says she wants to separate a relationship with having children and that they are 2 separate things to her... I wasn't really getting it.

She plans on having her first at around 30, she says the treatment may not work straight away so wants to start the consultations, etc. now.

She has a good job (50k a year) which is more than me and her dad brought up 3 children on, so I'm not worried about that, but I am worried about the decisions she is making.

It seems very odd to me to separate an intimate relationship and having a baby, as without all modern day science, it wouldn't happen..........

I spoke to a friend about it who has a daughter who is going through IVF (with her husband) so it's completely different and probably shouldn't have asked, as she said I should be happy I'm going to have a grandchild, but I do already have 2 (from DD1) so it's not like I can focus on having a grandchild at the end.

I suppose I'm hoping other nannies see where I am coming from... It's not something you wish for your child, is it? It sounds a very lonely life. She has always been like this, never enjoyed going out with friends as a teen, but was never depressed, etc. it was just her personality.

She has said in no way does she expect any childcare help from me, but of course I have told her to not be silly. I would obviously love the child as much as my other GC and want to look after them, etc. but I'm just finding it all odd and hard to process.

paddyann Fri 08-Sep-17 20:37:47

it has to be her choice and if she's more comfortable as a single mum then you have to accept it.Lots of young women dont want to live with a man ..or a woman for ever but they want to be mothers,if they go down the sperm donor route they aren't tied to someone for the whole of the childs life and required to accept interference from them about the child.She's a brave woman and I hope it all works out as she wants ...and congratulations on your potential new GC

BlueBelle Fri 08-Sep-17 20:38:45

But in a way it's not for us to understand or judge, just support Children often don't do things the way we would want them to She has made an adult decision with her eyes open so just give her your blessing and don't try to work it out

Madgran77 Fri 08-Sep-17 21:04:55

I agree with Bluebelle

Christinefrance Fri 08-Sep-17 21:38:49

I agree with BlueBelle but its difficult to understand how things have changed in the world since we had our children. I hope it works out well for all of you.

Anniebach Fri 08-Sep-17 21:41:48

Important she has a good councillor

Deedaa Fri 08-Sep-17 22:26:59

Well plenty of women are single mothers, for what ever reason, but I wonder if she realises how hard it can be. There are so many crises to get through - the not sleeping, the not eating, the mystery fevers, the not wanting to go to preschool, and on and on for the next 18 years! There are times when you are so glad to have someone else to bounce things off. Women with good jobs are renowned for not realising that babies haven't read the manual and that all their management skills will not be appreciated by their little darling. Of course she may find the whole treatment is harder than she expects.

Eglantine19 Fri 08-Sep-17 22:28:05

Dare I suggest that in the past many women married, not because they loved the man, but simply because it was the only acceptable way to have a family.
Your daughter is able to choose a different route. She could have involved her ex-partner in a (for him) unplanned pregnancy. She could have had casual sex in order to get pregnant.
She seems to have made a thoughtful and moral decision. And she has a great mum to support her. I wish your family well for the future.

Deedaa Fri 08-Sep-17 22:29:07

I hope she realises how important the identity of the father is likely to be to the child. Generally they don't like growing up only knowing half their history, and it can be important from a health point of view.

JulesT65 Fri 08-Sep-17 22:32:41

Thanks everyone for your views.

@Deedaa - there is a law that the child can get identifying details about their biological father at 18 and also, she gets a long folder on each donor, with all medical history/family medical history, etc. I didn't know all of this, but she has been informing me. What do you mean by women with good jobs?

Luckygirl Fri 08-Sep-17 23:05:28

Be a support to her, just as you would with any offspring starting a family.

paddyann Fri 08-Sep-17 23:19:01

why would she need a councillorAnnie ? Shes having a baby ,its hardly unusual,she'll be just fine .I hope she has a good pregnancy and a speedy delivery and enjoys every day with her child .....as I'm sure we all do

M0nica Fri 08-Sep-17 23:43:42

What would worry me about this situation is that if this girl finds living with a partner, whom she loves impossible, and cannot imagine a situation where she could cope with living with another adult because it meant spending so much time with them, how on earth will she cope with having children around all the time.

Babies and toddlers are utterly demanding in time and attention and are real people who will make unreasonable demands on her all her sleeping and waking hours.They are not dolls to be tidied away when she wants sometime to herself.

It is nice to write lots of broad minded messages about how families have changed and choice and all the rest but the core question to be asked is her suitability to parent when she admits she incapable of managing to sustain any long term relationship with an adult.

I have a daughter who similarly accepted some time ago that she was too uncompromising to cope with sustaining any relationship that involved co-habitation. She has had the sense to see that that means she would have the same problems, if not more so, were she to have children and that this would not be fair on the children. She is a doting aunt.

Sometimes we have to be honest with ourselves about our limitations and accept the restrictions these may impose on our lives. We should also think long and hard about the affects of our actions on other people. Children are pawns in our hands and have no escape. I would really worry about this woman becoming a mother, whether she used a sperm donor, a friend, or a boyfriend. to father the child

FarNorth Sat 09-Sep-17 00:00:41

Perhaps she will find it easier to accept the demands of a child simply because it is a child and not an adult.

Having another adult around can be a big help but it can also be a huge hindrance if that adult doesn't appreciate the work involved in looking after a baby/child and/or if that adult makes demands and causes difficulties. That is not an unusual scenario.

Possibly she intends to employ a nanny. That could be a much better arrangement than many marriages turn out to be.

radicalnan Sat 09-Sep-17 09:19:00

I wonder what the child will think in years to come, purchased like any other modern accessory. I despair of our attitudes to children now, aborted when inconvenient and bought in when loving someone else is not an option.

Having a good job, does that entitle someone to tamper with another person's whole life?

Adoption is an option still.

Baggs Sat 09-Sep-17 09:38:37

Sounds already as if you've stopped being horrified and are now simply "interested", jules smile. Here's to it all going well 🥂

grannyticktock Sat 09-Sep-17 09:39:41

I agree with Monica above. There are many reasons why a single woman may have a child, but it always worries me when I hear a woman say that she can't live with the father of her children because she doesn't want long-term commitment.

When you have a baby, you're in for a long-term commitment with a baby, a child, a teenager, and an adult .... whom you haven't chosen and haven't met yet. There's no walking away, no divorce or amicable separation possible. You are up to your neck in it for the rest of your life. The commitment is emotional, social and financial. If someone isn't ready for commitment, I would question whether they were ready for parenthood, particularly as a single mother has twice the responsibility, with no one to share the load.

When the other parent is someone she loves, a mother will enjoy seeing some of her partner's characteristics, mingled with some of her own, as this new person grows and develops, but in this new scenario, the other traits will be those of some random male that she knows nothing about. There is no such thing as a single parent: every child has a mother and a father, and this anonymous man will become part of the family. The child will have a right to trace him eventually. I just can't see why anyone would opt for this rather than actively choosing the father of her child.

Having said that, all you can do as a potential grandparent is be honest about your own feelings and reservations, and then give your daughter whatever support you can. The fact that she is discussing it in advance with you shows that she values your opinion and your support.

theresacoo Sat 09-Sep-17 09:46:34

My spin on this is- what about the child not having a father? My friend has done this and the child is now 2. They seem happy etc but it's a shame he won't have a father to bond with. Hopefully your husband will make a great role model. Maybe she should have therapy first to see why she feels unable to commit to her partner or other people if that makes sense.

Bibbity Sat 09-Sep-17 10:02:24

My cousin has been down the same road. Her DS is now a lovely, Bubbly, beautiful child.

A father isn't a necessity I guess. As OP mentioned upon reaching the age of 18 the child will have the details of the donor and can then make their own decisions.

I think you're daughter is sensible. She's accepted her limitations.
Better to explore this avenue then to force herself into a situation that may ultimately leave her a single mother anyway. Except now she has another person to co parent with.

libra10 Sat 09-Sep-17 10:04:49

Hope everything works out for your daughter. She seems to have spent lots of time considering her decision.

My own thoughts are that if she experiences problems living with a partner, how will she feel with ultimate responsibility for a baby and child? Children need so much care and attention, and tend to take over completely, leaving little time from yourself.

Good luck!

JanaNana Sat 09-Sep-17 10:07:03

For me I would have had to consider fostering or adoption to fill my maternal needs if I was in her situation...there are so many ,many children out there who need a loving home and parent/s. I do understand her biological need for a child of her own, but I personally don't like this idea. In my own extended family there have been two adopted children while one of my cousin's has been a foster mum for years so I have seen at first hand the pleasure and happiness this has given to both parents and children.

Luckygirl Sat 09-Sep-17 10:11:15

I am always surprised, not at the numbers of single parents, but at the fact that so many relationships last as long as they do! Looking at it rationally, it is amazing that society demands that two people get along together for the whole of their lives, and that this is regarded as the norm and the ideal.

I do not think that a child brought up by one parent, who has chosen not to accept the huge challenge of living with one other adult for the whole of her life, will have a child who feels short-changed or the odd one out. He/she will be in a classroom full of children in the same situation for whatever reason. I am sure that if your DD has thought through this decision, then she will also have thought through the needs of the child in terms of male influences etc.

I wish her well with it all.

Catlover123 Sat 09-Sep-17 10:37:00

I think my reaction is the same as Monica's. I think it is awful to deprive the child of a father, (male influence not the same!), and would worry about the fact that she can't maintain an adult relationship. I feel very sorry for women who by circumstance have to be single parents, but I don't understand how you would choose to be one. Maybe she is panicking, although 27 is not that old?
I think you can love and support your daughter without having to agree with her actions.

IngeJones Sat 09-Sep-17 10:37:27

My daughter is gay and wanted a child. She considered and rejected sperm donor route as we all felt the child would be better off with two real biological parents. So she was introduced to a gay man who wanted to be a father, and they now have my lovely little grandson who lives with his mother but whose father is very much involved in his life.

IngeJones Sat 09-Sep-17 10:38:44

I see no reason this cannot also work for two heterosexual parents who don't wish to live together but do both want to be parents.