Other people's parties

I am one of the small group who loves parties. I enjoy giving them too, but now I'm going to wonder if any of our guests actually want to be here!

I also get that feeling of anxiety in my stomach for days in the run up to a do. I avoid if possible. It never usually turns out a bad as I think it will, but great relief when it's over. It helps to think "This time next week/tomorrow it will all be over."

I don't like standing around type parties and dread the thought of someone turning to me, in front of a group of people, and saying "And what do you think about it?" or "And what do you do?" I am going hot just thinking about it! BUT I don't mind parties with music and dancing and will be the first on the floor because I love a boogie!!

Oh deep joy to find there are others who feel exactly the same as me. I particularly hate gatherings where you find yourself standing up all night, with a drink balanced in one hand and something small to eat in the other whilst simultaneously trying to exude false bonhomie, often with strangers and straining to listen to conversation that aren't interesting. I don't mind sit down dinners, in fact they can be quite enjoyable if you are with people you know well and like. With certain parties I'm damn sure the invites are issued to make up the numbers.

Don't get me started on so called friends who arrange an evening out at a restaurant and then decide to bring another couple known only to them. I can make small talk, before my husband retired, we'd clients to dinner, but I don't want to do it anymore it feels like work again, particularly when you don't click with someone it can ruin the dynamic round the table where often there tends to be several conversations going on. I find myself trying to attach to the most interesting one, sometimes without success because it's just out of range.

What joy. I'd begun to feel I was morphing in an anti social old B. I've never enjoyed parties, though i did try hard to do so as a younger woman. Small children and now grandchildren enable me to stay home on NYE. I enjoy afternoon tea, lunch or even an occasional meal in or out with a small group of family or friends. I enjoy catering for the odd big family get together. The idea of parties with folk I don't know is not appealing.
Who knew so many of us feel this way

True friends would not want you to suffer through an obligation to them. Don't go if you don't want to and leave the party people to it.

I love a party especially if there are cocktails and yummy food and good friends are there. I love getting dressed in evening wear and a bit of a sparkle. I can understand if its one of those corporate events where you don't know anyone and the food is some dried up canapé and warm wine plus you don't know anyone and you have to network ( ghastly). Otherwise, bring on the invites! Plenty of time to sit at home with the cocoa and box sets.

I have tried really hard over the years to attend other peoples parties and social events, but I dont enjoy them at all. I am useless at small talk, can only cope with about one drink these days before I get a hangover, I dont eat dairy and nearly all party food has cheese, butter or cream (or all three) and I cant hear well in crowded rooms. My current answer is to agree to go so as not to cause offence, but only if I am allowed to 'help out' by heating up food, pouring drinks, washing glasses whatever. I turn up early to help, keep myself busy and then leave early when there are no more 'jobs'. Would this work for you Calypso8? My friends seem to be pleased I have put in an appearance, thank me for leaving them free to circulate and I dont dread the events, or feel like leaving five minutes after arriving!

Slowly over the years husband has persuaded me not to go to coffee lunch barbeque etc and consequently I have no friends now. I am hopeless just going for a coffee on my own. MIND have helped tremendously and I can now walk into a cafe where we have a support group once a week. As for family meals out etc I never know what to wear, always feel like the poor relative. So don't go anywhere or speak to anyone. I am just a sad old lady alone.

We are very fortunate in that no one ever invites us to parties

Maybe it's a "been there, done it, worn the tee shirt scenario" with us all. I do enjoy close family meals but not parties anymore. We live in the country now so I deliberately drive into town for parties so that I can then escape at any given moment.

I hate parties or any type of get together where people stand around in clusters.I don't do standing, my back kills me after about five minutes and my legs don't belong to me. No thanks
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I don't, and never have, drunk alcohol and this has caused me no end of problems at parties. I've lost count of the number of times I've been caused miserable or stand offish. I've even had my soft drink spiked so that I'd "relax and enjoy the party", and that's made me really ill. Office Christmas parties have been the bain of my life! I've spent so many years coming up with ever more ludicrous excuses as to why I couldn't attend and started fretting about them from September onwards, knowing they were looming. Not any more. Now I just say thank you, but no thank you. Being the only sober person at an office Christmas party sucks!

So many of us feel the same! But we do like smaller gatherings so aren't totally antisocial so let's just stick to that because most of us seem to enjoy the same thing!

I don't drink and am quite deaf these days. Even with my hearing aids in I can't hear in a pub, bar or party. I really don't see the point in going and just nodding like the dog in the adverts. Totally pointless waste of everyone's time!

What a relief to know there are others who feel exactly as I do. Hubby doesn't like parties either, but accepts 'invites' as he's big on doing the right thing, although stews over the decision for ages! We nearly always have a strategy for the event, a get out plan, which we always execute. Most of his friends and work acquaintances know what he's like and accept it. Each event is different of course, but having a plan of action helps us get through it. So, the plan is always to only stay a short while and have transport organised to leave, this makes the time there more tolerable. Our current thing is to leave earlyish as I drive and therefore can just have one drink, or we have an early start the next day, or variations on those themes. People don't question him whereas I feel put on the spot and awkward if they ask me why we're leaving, etc. I find that I am never relaxed or happy 'socialising' in larger groups and have to fake it a bit to appear to be more 'sociable' than I am, which I hate even more. I spend the build up to the event stressing and worrying over what to wear as I am extremely self conscious and absolutely hate being on show. Weddings are the worst, aside from how long the whole thing takes and how much money is wasted, the dressing up thing is a nightmare and I literally have nightmares and sleepless nights over it. Getting it right eludes me every time, despite everyone saying I look lovely, out of politeness I am sure, I never feel it. Hubby compliments and reassures me, but it's internal & I have tried very hard to overcome it, but never really look forward to theses things in the way I should, especially a celebratory event, as my 'fear' always takes over. Self talk and deep tummy breathing all help to calm me on the day and once I am at the event I survey my surrounds and can settle a bit, in fact sometimes have even given myself a telling off for worrying over nothing and use these instances to try to ready myself for the next one and it helps, but still the wave of self consciousness engulfs me. The longer I know about an upcoming event the worse it is, if it's a very short notice thing, the same day even, there is no time for my mind to play games with me and the event is more tolerable, enjoyable even!

With regards to small talk, it's hard with someone you've just met, especially if they are a bit reserved. With people I already know I run a huge risk of putting my foot in it as my memory is cloudy, I tend to talk too much when I'm nervous too, a recipe for a disaster and something I find annoying when other people do it! Lately, I've been trying to leave a gap in conversations and been trying not to fill that awkward silence that I always felt obliged to fill. I've also been planning ahead a bit by trying to find out who else is going to be there, so I can be prepared and have topics relevant to them to talk with and it's been helping.

Oh dear I'm worried now!
We're having a housewarming party on Saturday night for about 35-40 people (mostly friends of many years standing, and some family) all of whom seemed delighted to accept the invitation. DH and I have spent the week shopping and preparing, and tomorrow I'll be in the kitchen cooking, making salads etc. and getting everything ready for Saturday. We've gone to a lot of trouble to make sure that everybody has a good time, and now I'm wondering how many of our guests don't really want to come....?

Calypso I am just catching up with this thread and haven't the energy to read all the responses, (sorry, not being rude - just a lot going on at the moment) but seems that many are in sympathy with you, myself amongst them.

Isn't it funny - sad - that so many of us put up with rather pointless social niceties!

Like many here, I suspect, I have done 'diplomatic appearances' for works dos, but if it is a friend's party, I think they should be understanding of my social preferences. If it is an important occasion, then I would still make the effort, but a if it is a party for a party's sake, then count me out.

You have vividly described the difficulties you have with parties generally and any good friend should recognise and not be offended by that - rather should seek to reassure you not to worry.

And somewhere in the midst of all this discussion, I have this mental picture of so many, MANY people who are just grinning and bearing it at rather pointless gatherings ... Funny what needless expectations we put on ourselves and others ...

I much prefer meeting friends for a snack or a meal on a one-to-one basis (or no more than say, four) as it's easier to have a conversation.
I don't like big parties where people drink far too much and behave badly - maybe next day, 'did you see ... and what they did, etc?' Large work do's were things that I preferred to avoid if I could think of a good enough excuse and I'm not surprised that I'm not the only one.

This takes me back to the time I was a shy seven year old and was invited to the neighbours's daughters's party. She told me that we all had to do a "party piece". I told my mum that I didn't want to go as I was dreading it. She said it would be rude not to go but just tell the girl's mum you would rather not take part. Anyway the hostess said "Of course you must everyone has to". So I was made to stand in the middle of a ring of people blushing and stammering out a poem. The word party always makes my stomach sink to this day.
Of course since then I have attended many work functions etc but never really enjoyed them. As others have said a meal/coffee with a few friends is very nice or larger family gatherings are enjoyable.

Thought it was just me! Have hated house parties since my teenage years. I also dislike Weddings apart from the actual service and Christenings ditto.
Always felt that I was a bit strange but glad I'm not alone.
I'm very sociable otherwise, very chatty, love meeting friends and will speak to strangers while walking the dog.
I really think that it's the "forced" feeling of them that I hate with everyone with unnatural smiles and same boring small talk.

I am another who dislikes parties. I prefer a dinner party to the drinks and dancing sort, but not by much. I like dressing up, usually like the food, and usually the company. But I always used to dread going. I can't explain why. Now I can say no thank you with out a qualm. Funny aren't I ? My DH hates parties so we are united in not going

I enjoy parties as long as I know enough people. My problem is that I can't hear conversation against a background of noise, and because I don't drink I find the company of people who are getting steadily more drunk really quite cringe making, especially if they're women. Sexist I know but that's how I feel.

Thankyou all so much for your replys they make me feel so much better to know it isn't just me , a lot of you lovely ladies just say exactly how I feel , what a lovely response

I have realised I like small groups, preferably one to one. Thought I might be odd as I know so many people who love being part of big gatherings, I feel out if things and lost in a crowd, just not for me.