My husband is no nurse

Mawbroon we do the things we're good at and enjoy doing,its not about keeping stereotypes alive.I shop cook clean ,wash and iron and look after kids.OH still works full time,I'm part time.he does all the decorating,gradening,car stuff will happily shampoo carpets at midnight , does the outside of the windows ,upstairs and down and loads of other stuff ..its what suits us and thats how it should be .I dont want anyone under my feet in the kitchen ...ever .Well only the wee ones when they're learning to cook

What a revealing thread! Apart from MawBroon and MargaretX there are many Grans who still accept the his /her roles when it comes down to household tasks. I consider it is rather sad that so many adult males appear to be incapable of fending for themselves and shouldering the daily chores when their wives are incapacitated.
Dangkhoa, I am sorry for your present situation and wish you a speedy and complete recovery, but cannot help thinking that for you , and many others, it is a situation of your own making.
I suspect that many men are reluctant to do the "grunt" work, (boring and time-consuming) but they should play their part on a daily basis; if nothing else it will make them appreciate exactly what is involved and how much is undertaken by the wife/partner . Conversely it gives both of you more free time to enjoy retirement together and for you to feel valued and not a skivvy.
A final thought: not "training" these husbands would be a cruel shock if the wife was to die first leaving them totally adrift in addition to grieving. I know men in this situation - clueless and miserable.
I am so thankful that my husband (widower whom I married 10 years ago) is an excellent cook ,does his share of the daily housework and his own ironing - although we do employ a cleaner.

Dangkoa, sorry about your op and wishing you a speedy recovery.

What's easy for us is probably hard for dh. As a pp suggested, a little praise may go a long way.

If not, can you hire a housekeeper to do the daily chores? Or a nurse for you?

My husband can cook very well and shop, clean a bit if necessary, looked after me very well when I had cancer.The thing that annoyed me and we laugh about it is that it was always poor him being so upset by my illness and it was so hard for him to bear! Excuse me who had the cancer and I didn't mean to upset him.

Before you think I have some saint here, he is a football addict 24/7 and difficult to get him to go places unless it is to eat. But I lead a busy life and he never minds when I go out so it works out. He can fix things but he takes a long time to get around to it.

MawBroon and meandashy are right and RosemarySuperager posted just the right article, can we stop treating men as dependent children, none of this wishy
washy high praise for doing what they should be capable of.
Open your eyes and minds, men are terrific cooks, keep tidy well run homes, their attention to detail is breathtaking. Say it as it is, be explicit about what you expect and need but you may have to be assertive and firm and fair. There is a saying worth remembering that to make an omelette you have to crack eggs. Whilst cracking the eggs you may be trembling inside, stay resolute honey, it will be worth it. All the best in your resolve. All you other ladies if your men are unable to cook, wash, dress, iron, shop, clean remedy this. ?

I agree with Phoenix....give the man a break... he's not used to doing all that you do...he's only trying to please you. I wish mine was like yours....Recently I became ill while in France from Novovirus, I spent two days in bed sleeping..... on the first day, my husband never once came to see if I was alright.. He wasn't being mean, he just didn't think and said "i thought you were asleep so didn't want to disturb you"! The male species can't win either way can they!

Jaycee5.Do what I did A bank transfer?Do you have the internet ? this will take care of payments for any services you have. No need to have large amounts of cash in your home or rely on another to use an ATM on your behalf. The NHS will give home assistance for your essentials ie shower/bath etc or even get you a meal for a limited time then it is up to you to provide you own help. Don't create problems for yourself there is no need.

I broke my arm and DH got his mother in to do the ironing! It is amazing how soon you learn to wield a heavy steam generator iron with a plaster cast on!

Dangkoa.I have no sympathy for you.Do you ever think of the thousands myself included who have no help 'on tap' like you are fortunate to have
No DH for me .He passed away ten years ago. My family live the other side of the world so I had no option but to rely on Adult Social Care following my op four years ago.
They will only give a limited time as its NHS. I then employed a private company .Very expensive if you want night care as well.So if DH care is not to your liking then employ the professionals.

There was a great article I found about the emotional effort that women have to put into organising things. Sounds like you're suffering from it. i.e. you have to tell him how wonderful he is doing the things which you do with never a word from him when you do it on a daily basis.

www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a12063822/emotional-labor-gender-equality/?ncid=newsltushpmgnews__TheMorningEmail__092917

I recently had a major op and could barely walk when I came home, never mind do anything for myself. I even needed help in the shower for a while. OH was very good, but the only thing that grated, was the way he used to say "I've emptied the dishwasher/bin for you" etc. As though it was nothing to do with him at all! Fortunately we had a cleaner as well....

Charleygirl I am in the same situation. My mother had to move into sheltered accommodation after an operation as the hospital wouldn't let her out of hospital to her own home. There was no way at the time that I or my sister could go to Canada to look after her long time and she didn't tell us the situation anyway until she had moved. That is a greater worry than a husband needing a pat on the back for doing basic things. It would be irritating but it is hopefully a temporary problem. I am saving as much as I can so that if it does happen, I can pay for a carer for a while if I need to. I am in a one bedroom flat so could not have someone living in. That would include having to ask a stranger to get my money out of my account.

It really s important that everyone in a family can do everything you never know when it will be needed my husband can and we are a team, it will be easier soon he will get used to the jobs. Our children do so much better at this my sons can run a house as well or better than any women! Get well soon and does the housework really matter as much as your health

I am very happy to be single I think! But if I were to get into a relationship he would have to be house trained!
My mum was in hospital recently and her husband (step father) had not been doing a great job of caring for her before she was admitted. I asked him if he needed us (children) to arrange additional support to allow mum to come home. He was most indignant! He went to the hospital where they finally had a conversation (rather than the simmering resentment mum was feeling and not saying to him but complaining to me about) and he seems to have stepped up.
So maybe it's just about being honest about what you need and expect from your partner?? Just a thought.....

I guess to him it is wonderful if you ve always done these things
Be glad you ve got a husband help you and don't tune into his exclamations of wonder at his abilities just get on with getting well and be thankful some of us just have to push n best we can

Dangkhoa - I am sorry you are finding life so difficult at the moment. Maybe you could concentrate on just getting him to do the essentials? A friend broke her shoulder and rather than ask her husband to do the housework she decided they would just get someone in to do a thorough clean when she was better.
My husband hates being fussed or looked after, hence when I has a major op a few years ago he did very little. Although I think I made a quicker recovery because I had to get on and do things,
I hope you feel better soon.

Did I marry a saint ?
H will
Hang out washing and bring in when dry
Wash kitchen and bathroom floors and clean bathroom
Clean oven
Wash up
Make hot drinks
Cook
Change the bed
All without being asked.

This last point reminds me of my brother's wife who told me when I married to 'train ' my husband FROM THE START.

I said he helped me when I had migraine so she retorted well see you have one more often!
But I did as she said and he can look after himself and/or both of us if need be.

You mean husbands are supposed to leap from their seats and grab the tea towel without being asked?

Thank God for dishwashers.

It's called making a rod for your own back. Not too late to reform him!

Oh Maw I just knew you would come back with something like that ???

My husband reacts like a teenager when I ask him if he would help me, eg dry and put away dishes ,his response is always the same 'what now

Why do you have to ask for help izzywizzy?
Does he not use the aforementioned plates or dishes? Are you his paid cook and bottle washer?
This idea of men gallantly helping 'er indoors is so Stepford Wives, so 1950's. What century DO you live in?

DH is great when I need him to be and will do most things.
Not all men are the same, just as not all women are the same, but sometimes you do need to point out the things to be done, and if, necessary, how to do it.Depends how ill you are at the time.

DH was brilliant when I had my hip replaced. I got a breakfast tray with freshly squeezed orange juice and every thing he could think of. I was tucked up at night! Since his retirement where had worked very long hours I've tried to introduce him to the really tiresome bit of running a home which is the mental admin. He has taken over the bins and recycling and taking the ironing to Crease Relief and does the shopping. He doesn't cook but will act as kitchen lad and leap to high shelves or scrabble around for tucked away spices. If anything happened to me I think he might let towels and sheets fester so I do make a point of saying it's today when we always change the bedding . I never ran a house or was aware of it being done as I grew up and had to learn the hard way. I'm trying to make it easier for him.

I really feel for you dangkhoa, it's really stressful when you're ill and your other half has no idea what to do to look after you. It seems to come naturally to most women,the cleaning and the nursing and we do it not wanting or even expecting thanks.
My husband reacts like a teenager when I ask him if he would help me, eg dry and put away dishes ,his response is always the same 'what now?'.
It's very tiring especially as I have poor health and I just hope to god my health gets no worse as I'm only just managing.
Those GN who's husbands do everything for them are very fortunate and I'm quite jealous !!