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My husband is no nurse

(74 Posts)
dangkhoa Thu 28-Sep-17 19:20:34

I've just had a major op and am totally reliant on my husband. The problem is he makes such a fuss about everything he has to do I almost feel like telling him to just go away. But I can't even get into bed on my own. He's really upsetting me but can't see it. He think he's being wonderful doing stuff I do every day.

phoenix Thu 28-Sep-17 19:42:33

After a major operation, are you having any visits from what used to be called the district nurse, or any other sort of home follow up?

mimiro Thu 28-Sep-17 19:44:51

my condolences,dh was the same,had to drive him off
altho he did make a great veg soup for me.
feel better soon

lemongrove Thu 28-Sep-17 19:50:37

You have my sympathy dangkhoa💐 Some men are just like that!
Try and be patient though, he is possibly doing his best, get well soon.😃

TriciaF Thu 28-Sep-17 20:05:06

My husband is like that, and he's done a first aid course.
He's worried about you and hopefully will calm down and be more practical soon.
Take care and good health eventually smile

phoenix Thu 28-Sep-17 20:05:41

Just a thought, although he thinks he's being Superman doing the things that you/ we do everyday, would it be worth gritting your teeth and lavishing praise on him for every little task he does?

"Oh, DH, well done for emptying the kitchen bin, I really appreciate it!" (I think that to say it had never been done so well before may be a tad ott)

"What, you've done a load of washing and some washing up?! Goodness, well done, have a glass of wine and pour me one too, we must celebrate. Now, if you could summon enough energy and time management skills to push the Hoover round while the washing is doing, then you could be ready to run the country, if not the world!"

OK, maybe a tad excessive, but hopefully you get my point wink

tanith Thu 28-Sep-17 20:23:53

DH was lovely when I had my hip-replacement 4months ago but would come upstairs and relay each task to me as he completed it. Most annoying but I still kept saying "thanks luv", 😂

mimiro Thu 28-Sep-17 20:26:35

tanith mine did that
told him to keep a diary on the computer and would add things for him to do.

Grannyknot Thu 28-Sep-17 20:30:17

I was recuperating from surgery some years ago when husband proudly came and showed me the box with "Serving suggestion" on it for my evening meal - he had produced a not very exciting meal copying the picture. smile He can cook nowadays.

Your husband is doing his best and sounds as if he is anxious to please. I agree he may calm down. Get well soon!

loopyloo Thu 28-Sep-17 20:49:54

Hope I am never I'll. DH won't use the dishwasher, insists in washing everything up by hand. And first it has to be sorted then rinsed. He can only cook sausages and toasted cheese so I have to be better in 48 hours. He can wash his shirts but nothing else.

cornergran Thu 28-Sep-17 23:42:00

Yes, the role change seems to be one requiring unlimited amounts of positive reinforcement from the recovering patient. Mr C is also a reporter of every action, I've been immobilised after surgery twice. The first time we employed a cleaner - we both worked. No problem. The second time retirement had arrived and the the constant reporting began. I guess what anyone does habitually is easy for them, not so for others. Its hard to keep up a flow of positives about household tasks, but it does work. Hope you are better soon.

Welshwife Thu 28-Sep-17 23:58:33

I dread being totally incapacitated too! I would need to hope I had just emptied the linen bin so nothing needed to be done till I recovered or I would have the whole house sporting totally grey fabric!
As for the cooking I would need to develop a real love of eggs, bacon, beans and toast - And hope my friend came to my rescue.

harrigran Thu 28-Sep-17 23:59:25

DH looks after me and does all the housework and cooking, he is an expert now. He had never used the washing machine before.

Welshwife Fri 29-Sep-17 00:01:18

I meant to add dangkhoa - good luck and never forget - you WILL get better and things WILL return to normal.

durhamjen Fri 29-Sep-17 00:03:14

I didn't become really ill until the year after my husband had died.
They wouldn't let me leave hospital on my own, and I had to live with my son and his family for four months.

MawBroon Fri 29-Sep-17 10:33:17

Forgive me if I come at this from the opposite point of view.
I do EVERYTHING for DH from emptying catheter bags to bottom wiping to shopping, cooking, serving all his food and drink, dressing him, making sure the walking frame is in just the right place, arranging medical appointments, driving him to and from same, liaising with health professionals and getting up sometimes as often as every 2 hours in the night. I have also had to give up on many of my own retirement activities, on visiting DDs and DGCs and friends who do not live nearby because he can't be left.
Does he appreciate it ? I hope so. Does he necessarily show that appreciation? hmm Do I make a big deal of it? CBA.
Just saying, you are lucky to have somebody to do what he is doing or it might be 4visits a day from Carers (at huge expense) or managing on your own.
By all means tell him to go away, and cope on your own.
I suspect how you are feeling is possibly a hefty dose of frustration compounded by pain - both of which sap our energy and patience. So apologies for being blunt, but thinking that you could look at things from his point of view too.

Tweedle24 Fri 29-Sep-17 10:49:02

Do be grateful. When I had major surgery my husband was wonderful. He died last year and will not be there when I have further surgery. I know I shall really miss not having him there.

Charleygirl Fri 29-Sep-17 11:34:39

You lot should be grateful- I am totally on my own with no relatives and friends living miles away.

Kateykrunch Fri 29-Sep-17 14:05:55

I dont think I will be able to trust my DH to care for me if ill.
He stood on my broken foot whilst I was waiting for xray.
He insisted on driving home via a short cut (extremely bumby roads) after my abdo surgey.
I phoned him to come home as I was so ill and bleeding heavily, instead he sent my daughter round, who promptly phoned the Dr and told him that 'I was having a menopause'.

ninathenana Fri 29-Sep-17 14:16:44

Fortunately I am not ill but I know H would look after me well. H does his share indoors but he too likes to report each activity to me.
Get well soon dangkhoa (interesting name smile)

Menopaws Fri 29-Sep-17 14:18:09

When in same situation with three small children my husband gently explained how he worked out that if he cooked their fish fingers and even cut them up before the children were actually hungry it saved a lot of grief and perhaps I should try it! Nearly split my stitches!

hulahoop Fri 29-Sep-17 15:05:08

My hubby looks after me very well when he as had to just like I do him we make a good team and I hope it lasts a long while longer .

Morgana Fri 29-Sep-17 16:53:59

Yes I too worry about how I'd be looked after. D.H. cooks normally so that would be okay. But if I say 'the bedding needs washing' or 'can you help me with hoovering', he looks really surprised as if to say how did they get dirty! '

MawBroon Fri 29-Sep-17 17:10:37

My DH is the last unreconstructed male imaginable and nowvthat his health is shot to pieces he has the perfect excuse.
BUT I am wearing of the slightly triumphalist tone of posters who are clearly of the opinion their partners are/would be useless in the home. Do I detect a note of Schadenfreude?
Is it satisfying to keep them in their place just as in the past we "little women" were told not to "worry our pretty little heads" about the more serious issues, or the "man jobs" such as changing tap washers/tyres/plugs or dealing with dead rodents or spiders?
Fair enough they may not have had 50 years experience of changing beds or refilling the airing cupboard or shopping for an army, but in many cases that is precisely because some women like to keep these mysteries to themselves.
We as women are quick to decry sex stereotyping but frequently guilty of it ourselves.

Izzywizzy Fri 29-Sep-17 18:36:53

I really feel for you dangkhoa, it's really stressful when you're ill and your other half has no idea what to do to look after you. It seems to come naturally to most women,the cleaning and the nursing and we do it not wanting or even expecting thanks.
My husband reacts like a teenager when I ask him if he would help me, eg dry and put away dishes ,his response is always the same 'what now?'.
It's very tiring especially as I have poor health and I just hope to god my health gets no worse as I'm only just managing.
Those GN who's husbands do everything for them are very fortunate and I'm quite jealous !!