To think women are more than just wives, mothers and grandmothers.

I had a husband who became a problem. I divorced him. I have two children, both now in their 40s, married with good jobs. I have 2 grandchildren who I hear a lot about but don't see often because they live the other side of the country.
They do not need me now. Doesn't mean they don't want me but I am me most of the time. I have had a new partner for more than a decade, he is accepted by the family.
I am not a wife, my mothering days are past and I am only a part-time grandmother. I am me.

Reading the above posts, I think most of us would be defined as caring people. That suits me fine.

I haven't worked, in the conventional sense since I was 21 but I have been the mainstay for my family both immediate and the wider one. I have always volunteered in one way or another, stepped into the breach when DH was let down by his staff and generally kept the show on the road. That's me.

I meant that too gilly. People don't actually discriminate in their comments on the pointlessness of someone's life whether it's loss or non existence.

Sorry Annie , that came across as if I was asking you and I really meant it as a rhetorical question.
Many apologies.

For example:

Hello. Married yet? Oh dear, I couldn't live without (insert name)

Hello. Sorry about your husband. If it was me I couldn't go on.

Do you have grandchildren? No?! mine are what keep me going

Sorry about your grandchild. Makes you wonder what the point is.

I remember comforting a friend who had lost her father, mother and husband in quick succession. She had no children. All she could say was "What is the point of me?"
She was worth just as much as someone who still had family.

I understand your point trisher and like your post Eloethan
Women are more celebrated for being home makers and carers than say, the chairman of Goldman Sachs.
However, when it comes down to the nitty gritty, what could be better than a caring role to be remembered by? I am a Mother who loves all her AC and the DGC and am content to be thought of in that way in the future.
I think as time goes on, that women will be remembered more for the jobs they did though, as they break into ever more ‘men only’ professions.

When out with friends, we rarely discuss grandchildren and perhaps become more ourselves.

Eglantine21 Those questions are so accurate-scarey
.
Can I add one for after a divorce.
"Are you seeing anyone yet?" (because you need a new husband or you'll seem weird)

Ah, yes! I'm always being asked if I've "settled down" yet. I settled down years ago, and am probably the most staid person I know. My idea of a good time is having a cheese sandwich and a cup of tea.
What is really meant is, do I have a husband or partner.

An (imaginary) question
"So, now that you've won the Nobel Prize, are you going to settle down and give me some grandchildren to be proud of?"

MissAdventure, didn't someone say "Don't call me Miss. I haven't missed anything!"
Ilovecheese

Are you seeing anyone, Trisher?

At any point in my life, I am the sum of my years alive. My existence means different things to the people in my life - past and present. At the end I hope someone will miss me and look back on me with fond memories. That's all.

Eglantine21 I started to nswer that question with "Yes. Lots of people." This caused much consternation for some people who immediately associated it with promiscuity (and often tried to find out more) The brighter ones realised I was taking the question literally.

Eglantine I expect if a person loses their mother, father and husband/wife in quick succession and has no children they might feel "what is the point of me/life?" Even if a person has a high-flying career, lots of friends and plenty of interests, they might feel similarly bereft.

In my opinion, part of most people's lives involves caring for, and being cared for by, people who are close to them. It must be pretty devastating to lose three of the most important and much-loved people in your life within a short space of time.

Hopefully your friend feels differently now.

As a general rule we are remembered by people in the role they knew us in.

Our families remember us for our family role, daughter, wife, grandmother, sister, aunt etc. If you have hobbies outside the home you will be remembered for your sporting achievements/ needlework skills/ administrative work. Those who worked with you will remember you as a teacher/doctor/engineer. We do not have a choice by the time we are remembered we are dead anyway.

What I was widowed young I was subjected to a lot of “When are you going to find somebody else?” questions, mostly implied or hinted rather than direct. It was very annoying, and I felt rather insulting, as if I couldn't manage on my own. I had two young children who took up most of my energies, and I simply didn’t want the complications of a new relationship. I never did remarry, have got used to doing my own thing and not having to compromise. There are many advantages, believe me. I have lots of interests and an active mind (probably less active than it was!) and prefer being on my own most of the time. I have never regretted not marrying again. There is no need to conform to society’s expectations.

I am struck by the fact that many Gransnetters have had much misfortune to deal with in their lives. Life is never fair.

I realise I have probably been fortunate, with both family and work, and I try not to take it for granted.

How others see us will vary depending on whether they are family, good friends or folk we encountered in other roles.

You can't please all of the people all of the time. You don't always get things right. Even if you try really hard in your work to avoid mistakes, bad stuff happens. It's not difficult to rub folk up the wrong way. We can only hope there are some folk who might just remember us fondly, or at least with a smile.

I would like to be remembered as being a decent, caring person. There are few people if any that will remember the young me in my own beloved career, as a young thing with drive and ambition, they are more likely to remember my later years and that is when I will have been a mother, grandmother, wife etc but if overall I have been kind, friendly, loving and attentive then so be it. Rather that than some horrible bitter woman who they are glad to see the back of.

I would have been very happy to have been defined as a mother and grandmother.
Sadly I'm now defined as a carer to my elderly parents who both have Alzheimer's.

I’m with those of you that do feel that being a Mum, grandma and wife is probably the most important thing for me and certainly the years that I have given them all have been the best years of my life. I would like to think that they have all helped me to be the decent, caring, generous person that I want to be, and hope that I am. For me, work was nowhere near as important, and I could have done without it, but I could not do without my husband, children or grandchildren.

I don’t really get what you mean trisher. Has someone undervalued you in some way?

Why can’t you be proud of everything you feel you’ve achieved? My biggest achievement without doubt happens to be seeing my children grow into well adjusted adults.

I felt privileged that I got to spend time with them in their formative years although my career suffered. But I later returned to work and was proud of myself when I got promoted etc

Personally I WOULD like to be remembered as being a good Mum more than anything else. Had I not had children I would be proud of other things am sure.

I'd like to be remembered as a good mum, good Nan, good friend, good daughter, good support worker. Not fabulous, necessarily, but good will do. And honest. That's why I haven't said fabulous!

I do think we come from a generation which tended to think that women could do 'a job' that would fit around family if they had one and that men could continue to pursue their careers.

I met up with old schoolfriends a few years ago and those who have achieved the heights in their careers have been the ones who did not have children and in a couple of cases did not marry either.

My energies were subsumed into child rearing and care of elderly parents, although I did work as well.

I can't mention another thread because it isn't allowed but being a woman is about more than marrying and having children I think. If you find something about that I haven't said anything!