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AIBU to expect my husband to be awake and talk to me?

(58 Posts)
paperbackbutterfly Tue 26-Dec-17 10:52:59

In our 60s we bth work fulltime but when we get home I prepare tea while OH has his first nap, we eat tea and he has his second nap (which sometimes lasts most of the evening) if he does wake up to watch a film he always has a third nap before bedtime. He snores loudly all the time and I can't hear the TV. I've tired suggesting he goes to bed but he says it's too early then falls asleep again. I just sit there getting so cross. Most evenings he sleeps for about 5 of the 7 hours we are up. He doesn't like going out (too tired) and he still sleeps all night. At weekends he sleeps during the day too. If we do visit people he goes to sleep there as well. I feel like I spend all my time on my own

seasider Thu 28-Dec-17 11:31:08

Our situation is similar Saggi. DP moans I go out as lot but he won't do anything. I am not prepared to waste my life watching TV. We have a couple of older friends who are both recovering from serious illness. Their lifestyle puts DP to shame. My mum used to say " you are a long time dead".

M0nica Thu 28-Dec-17 11:17:43

When my DH was sleeping like this, he saw the doctor and was diagnosed with diabetes. He started sleeping less as soon as he had his medication.

BlueBelle Thu 28-Dec-17 05:00:42

I can fall asleep anytime anywhere but only ever manage four or five at most in bed at night

MesMopTop Thu 28-Dec-17 03:48:02

Mine does that a lot too and he doesn’t work! He does have a host of medical problems, diabetes and sleep apnoea bring two of them. Sometimes when he snores it’s as if he stops breathing so that alone could make your OH very tired. Mine improved s lot when he got s C PAP machine. He might even be low in iron or need a Vit B12 jab so a trip to the doc could be helpful.

Willow500 Thu 28-Dec-17 03:24:49

Definitely sounds like sleep apnea- my husband was just the same and was finally diagnosed about 10 years ago. He was waking up on average every 6 minutes so his quality of sleep was virtually nil. He was given a c-pap machine which made a huge difference albeit bringing problems of its own as it's a dreadful thing to sleep in and the DVLA have to be informed. He still falls asleep when he sits down but nowhere near as much as he did but he works 12 hours a day so not unexpected at 64. Get him to the GP.

jeanie99 Thu 28-Dec-17 02:26:30

A GP check up for a start however if he is like my husband he just wouldn't go would tell me I am being ridiculous.
All his naps are power naps he's not sleeping so he tell me.
We have more than one TV makes for a quiet life. Live the life you want life can be short.
U3A have lots of interesting groups check your local ones out online.

Barmeyoldbat Wed 27-Dec-17 20:48:00

It’s sounds very much like a medical problem, as he snores it could be sleep apnoea ( hope the spelling is right) so I suggest a visit to your dr.

Saggi Wed 27-Dec-17 20:20:47

Mine sleeps 9 solid hours a night ...I manage 4:6 on a good night ..and then it will be fragmented sleep. He then sleeps 3 to 5 hours during the day and evening. He will never go out especially with me...not after somebody mistook me for his daughter!! I’m only 4 years younger than his 71 but he looks 10 years older !! I swim 2 miles a week and try to walk at least 3 miles a day... and I look and feel 10 years younger.!! He is a complete misery and 2 years ago when I retired I decided that I would make my only life. Quite’s much too short to watch him watching t.v or sleeping.

f77ms Wed 27-Dec-17 20:18:25

If you do manage to get him to the Docs and all is well then why not make yourself your own room in the house with TV etc . If it is company you want then you may have to accept that you need to develop a social life without him . You only get one life , why waste it watching him sleep . I would also suggest not making him a meal while he sleeps , you are both working after all . It would drive me crazy !

Nanna58 Wed 27-Dec-17 18:21:28

Sorry for above typos- or 2 large gins lol!

Nanna58 Wed 27-Dec-17 18:20:15

Can he stay awKe when out with friends, darts 🎯 bowls, whist etc? Mine can so it must be the fact that after 39yrs of marriage I bore hi my to sleep the evenings that he's home!

palliser65 Wed 27-Dec-17 16:30:15

Think he needs GP advice and good luck to you on getting him to do that! This could be dibetes or depression or something else. My husband was the same until his blood sugar was sorted. His sleeping before a meal and then afterwards may be significant. Good look on persuading him and very best wishes to you both for 2018.

goose1964 Wed 27-Dec-17 16:24:26

another suggesting sleep apnoea. My cpap has changed my life from being permanently tired to needing 7 hours night

codfather Wed 27-Dec-17 15:29:58

There's a whole list of reasons why your husband may be behaving like this, mostly medical! Could be T2 diabetes among others so it's important to get him checked out as soon as possible!

I doze off sometimes if I get too comfortable in my reclining seat, normally after the wife's gone to bed! 😋

inishowen Wed 27-Dec-17 15:21:19

Mine is 64 and can sleep anywhere. If he's bored he sleeps! He sleeps on planes, while I shift and turn trying to get comfortable. Maybe it's a man thing, being able to sleep.

Seaside22 Wed 27-Dec-17 15:18:17

Yes Gabrielle I go to bed at 8.30 too, I work part time but do not have such an early start, but I am a morning person, and 4 am starts don't bother me.We are both home at 3 pm so our time begins then.

sluttygran Wed 27-Dec-17 13:08:52

I can think of at least ten medical conditions which might cause excessive tiredness.
I agree with everyone else who has suggested a visit to the GP.
If DH is pronounced fit and well, which sounds unlikely, then stick a firework under him!

NannyTee Wed 27-Dec-17 12:42:29

My DH was the same last year. Turned out his daily aspirin had stripped him of his iron. He's fine now .

EliseC465 Wed 27-Dec-17 12:08:51

I’ve been getting more and more tired and having to nap. Off to gp and turns out my blood sugar is way to high. Type 2 diabetes! Controlling it with a LCHF diet and I already feel much better 1 month in.

GabriellaG Wed 27-Dec-17 12:01:23

Was that correct? Bedtime at 8.30pm? I realise that he has an early start but do you have to get up early too, or do you simply go to bed early because he expects you to go when he does?

vampirequeen Wed 27-Dec-17 11:49:26 true. No matter how tired most men become miraculously wakeful in that situation grin

IngeJones Wed 27-Dec-17 11:39:08

grandtanteJE65 I think the problem the government are dealing with when it comes to retirement age is largely that so many people don't begin their full adult working lives until 30 these days. So many are studying and gap-yearing till 25 then spend the next few years waiting to settle into a career while they experience various internships and lower paid or casual jobs - if indeed they can find work at all. They're not really paying into their pension till they're 30. When I left school apart from the small minority of people who went to university, we were all settled into our full time working lives by 20 (and seriously you could just walk into a job in those days), thus paying into the NHS and pension system for 10 more years before retirement.

margrete Wed 27-Dec-17 11:36:07

As others have suggested, it's possible he's suffering from sleep apnoea, which needs to be investigated and possibly, treated. It is NOT normal for someone to snore so loudly that another person in the room can't hear the TV!

grandtanteJE65 Wed 27-Dec-17 11:21:02

This is one of the reasons in my opinion that governments are barking up the wrong tree when they want us to retire later and later.

It sounds to me as if you husband is finding his working day far too tiring. Do see if you can get him to the doctor, as there may be a problem that can be cured quite easily.

What time of the day at weekends and holidays is he awake and least tired? Try if you can have a conversation about his tiredness at the time of day he is brightest. Tell him you are worried that he is overtired, perhaps suffering from a vitamin or iron deficiency.

To me he sounds so tired that I doubt good sex will help, as he is probably just too tired.

Ask if there are problems at work, or anything else worrying him.

If you can't get him to the doctor or to discuss the problem, because he just does not see it as a problem, then I am afraid you will have to build a life for yourself up, while he is asleep, but try all the other options first.

NannyTee Wed 27-Dec-17 10:46:29

Yes Sue, I've just had a months trial with the mask. I already have narcolepsy so that's why I snore. The mask wasn't for me. They put it down to my medication in the end. Life savers for those with apnea though.