Friend dropping in unannounced. For 2 hours.

This woman has clearly caused you plenty of ill feeling over time, so I would say, don’t necessarily take her off your ‘friend list’ completely, but don’t see her as often. Loosen the ties...change the habit for the new year.....spend less time with her....tell a few white lies if you have to...think of yourself when clearly she isn’t, because you count as well.....and if she shuns your friendship that is more on your terms for a change, let her go. If you really can’t change a thing, then I’d take a long look at what you’re actually getting out of this yourself at the moment.

My husband made friends with a chap 25yrs ago when they were both newly divorced. Over 20yrs he visited unannounced about once a year, but sadly all he ever did was talk about himself, boring, boring, and we had difficulty getting rid of him after 2hours each time. Then 5yrs have passed without any contact until this week, when he turned up unannounced with child in tow. 'Thought I'd come for a cuppa' . As it was 12.45 I was just about to dish up a hot meal, so that was put on hold. How can someone have the cheek to turn up at meal time after 5yrs of no contact, without even a phone call to see if we were in, or even still lived there!!

I am afraid I get so tense when people stay longer than I can cope with (I think I might be on the spectrum too cos I can't cope with socialising more than 4 hours with close relatives and 2 hours for anyone else) that I find I have to tell them clearly when I need them to go rather than hint. In fact most people who are likely to visit have been told by now what my maximum visit length is and anyone outstaying gets told "It was lovely to see you" and I stand up and start walking to the front door lol. With my best friend of many years I can even say "Right it's time for you to go now".

What's with all the pussy footing advice.

Leech like friendships are draining.
Ignore her, and she just might get the message.
But that won't happen if you continue to see her and make arrangements to meet up for coffee at your expense.

Don't dump her, but arrange to see her outside at a cafe - you could cheerfully say 'Your turn to buy the coffees' if she always expects you to pay.

I don’t mind people just dropping by, they take me as I am and are told they can’t stay long if I have other plans. We have a friend who drops by about 10 in the morning and Often I am in my dressing gown while my husband is fully dressed and doung jobs outside. I make him welcome, tell him to make three cups of tea and some toast for me while I go and sort myself out. I do t however drop in on friends as As I realise that for some reason it’s not acceptable. You have been friends for a long time it seems a shame to finish it now, why not be honest with her and sY I paid last time, your turn this time and then mine.
,

She sounds like she made an effort when you challenged her (ie, letting you over the threshold) so why do you feel you can't resolve things by talking? Do you even want to resolve them? It seems to me that she does value your friendship but doesn't have the social awareness other people have.

Washerwoman

You sound to me like a great friend...and a forgiving one.
She is lucky to have you in her life but it seems that the pattern of your friendship is so taken for granted by her, that it will take a lot of tact on your part to put her right about the issues you mention.
My mantra is not to have anyone in my life who doesn't add to it. It may be anything, big or small. A smiling face, a friendly welcome, a listening ear or a shared hobby. Someone who can give AND take just as I do, with grateful thanks for knowing they are my friends.
You COULD leave your purse in the glove box of your car next time you meet up. When it's time to pay for the coffee and cake you can prompt her to cough up in a nice way by saying that you must have left your purse in your car. Suggest she pays instead of coffee going cold if you went to retrieve it.
It may be a power thing. She has you in a position where you feel you can't be honest with her. She's not your boss. Take a stand. If she values your friendship she will see that you aren't playing the game any more. Turn and turn about. Don'tvexvuse her behaviour as her being 'on the autistic spectrum'. That's becoming a tired catch-all for many types of behaviour which are nothing to do with being autistic. Livi g in a tip dies not mean you have autism. You say that she held down a high-flying job and hasn't always had an untidy house. Don't excuse her selfishness. I do hope that you can resolve these issues and remain friends.

Apologies for errors in text.

The person in question is a woman

Thanks for some very wise and understanding answers.Having got things off my chest and a new year round the corner I've decided not to waste any more mental energy on the friendship. If she rings,texts I will respond and be there as a friend to talk to.But as for dropping in I feel she has taken a lot for granted over the years, and I will make it politely clear I'd appreciate asking first if it's convenient,and put my time limit on it.I had taken a stance with the paying for coffee a while ago when I twigged she was very good at saying 'there's a table over there I will get it 'leaving me in the queue.The last time she was on crutches in all fairness,but if someone had collected me and run me around errands I know I'd have had my purse out and insisted on paying.I won't dump her,but I do feel it's a friendship that's all but run it's course.I have several really solid friendships which really are life enhancing,and have had a couple of other friendships that lasted years but we moved in different directions and this falls in the latter category.

Sometimes you just have to accept that a person is very needy and things are a bit one sided. However if it's beginning to be a problem then you need to be honest with her.
I think you are right in what you propose to do. I don't like people dropping in unannounced however friendly we are.

She sounds lonely and possibly mentally ill. But this doesn't mean you have to get embroiled in her problems. does she have any other friends?

She does have other friends now.But when we first met she was new to the area and I know she was lonely, that's why we made her so welcome ,and she sort of adopted our family.For ages I encouraged her to join various things,and meet more people outside of work but she was reluctant to. I appreciate it's not easy.Tbh I sometimes felt a bit too responsible for her, and was really happy when she retired and took up a new hobby and made some new friends.And recently there's another couple who she has befriended and she mentions a lot, and they are nearer to where she lives and it sounds as if their kitchen has replaced ours as her place to hang out.And that's fine by me.It occurred to me I always hear a lot more from her, and get the visits, whilst they were away on holiday.I can chat to her happily about books,tv,pets etc.But I'm not prepared to be dropped ,never invited to hers,and then suddenly expected to give up hours when she wants to offload and they aren't around.

This friend drains your energy. Time you let the friendship go. As the person says you are so lucky not to be alone. it seems clear that she is not a person who knows how to be happy as a person living alone. Nor is she able to make her house a place for viitors to enjoy thus filling it with friends who call in. By being a haorder she has made herself very vulnerable and lonely. it is a mental illness. It follows on from bereavements i.e loss of job having to retire early, loss of parents etc. as you mentioned she get s on cruises and holidays. this is how she is going to have to cope for company. It does you no good to pay for her social outings when you know it should be evens.

all the best in finishing this friend ship. It should free you up to pay attention to one else that you would prefer.

She sounds awful, everything is about her. Friendship is a two way thing.

I have a friend I befriended when her partner of 25 years died quite suddenly. She was a friend of a friend but lived around the corner from me. I would go to see her weekly and we would share a bottle of wine.
She moved recently and made lots of new friends. She now uses me when they are busy with family e.g. weekends.
If it suits me I will see her, I have no hesitation in turning her down if it doesn't. We use each other when it suits us and it is working out just fine.

I would have invited her in for a cup of tea but warned her I had to pop out in about half an hour. Then when she had finished her tea I would smile and say I am afraid you will have to leave now as I am going out. I will ring you and we can meet up for a coffee in a week or so. Goodbye. Be firm and explicit. Leave no doubt you are serious. Put on your coat and leave house at same time as her. Go for a brief walk and return home.

Sounds like she v lonely washerwoman as u hadw agreed not buy presents to just turn up.

I wouldn't make huge thing of upsetting her she seem need u but don't keep,paying!!!!!

Yogagirl sounds over the top present? Wonder if he has other ideas??

Your last post put a different view of the situation. But the hoarding shows she has some problems and she obviously doesn't do hints. Be grateful she has new friends, she is off your back.

But reading your posts I feel you needed to be a bit more honest with her about the situation, if you always pay for the coffee, she thinks that is the norm and it is ok. Just tell her your turn to pay or better still send her up to get the drinks and pay 50%. Maybe that is what the expensive presents are about, repaying your coffees. If you invite her in when you are ill, she thinks that is ok. Most likely she was a boss because she didn't mind how she had to treat people and wasn't aware of upsetting them.

I have mixed feelings about this visiting by appointment, living in Portugal one of the things us expats comment on is that everyone is so busy in the UK and you have to visit by appt. I agree a quick phone call to ask if it is ok but try and make it ok as often people have a need to talk to you then.or in the near future. Loneliness is a big problem as we heard so much about over Christmas. Having to make an appt is a barrier especially if you are feeling lonely and someone tells you they can see you in 3 days time.

Having just returned from the UK I was amazed at the growth in coffee shops with people meeting up. A good step forward in the making of friendships but the price of the coffee and tea is astronomical! I pay less than €1 here and stay as long as I want.

Totally agree about the coffee shops in the UK Ajanela. Such a high price compared to those in Portugal and not nearly as flavoursome. Hope you had a good time.

Ajanela you are spot on.She was in a senior leadership role and used to bring the boss.Plus has no children or partner,and very much used to doing what she wants,when she wants.As for the expensive presents I don't think she regards them as a trade off for coffees.I've come to realise she can be very tight with money in some ways,yet in contradiction buys a lot of 'stuff' ,hence the escalation in her hoarding tendencies. The more I've got to know her the more I realise she's a very complex character.

inishowen
I cannot imagine anyone turning up on Christmas Day not realising that it is a celebration day with a sit down meal with family and friends.
Why would someone do this is beyond my understanding.