AIBU to be suspicious?

Hi Op, I just wanted to add that if your husband thinks he is hiding money from the taxman by giving it to your children he is sadly mistaken, unless he lives for seven years after the gifts of money -- if not it will still be counted as part of his estate for inheritance tax (currently at 40 percent on estates larger than £325,000) purposes.
So if for example he is now 72 and dies before he is 79 those gifts will be subject to IHT unless his estate is below £325,000.
However, an enitre estate passing from one spouse to another after the death of the first spouse is not liable for inheritance tax at all.

What a mean, selfish, self centred and indeed heartless B**** your husband is.
Just because he has no sexual interest in you does not mean that he does not show interest in others.
Depression has been mentioned by posters and I sincerely hope that you have discussed this with your doctor.
You say that you do not cook for the waster or do his washing, but then hint that you may do because it isn't worth the fall out ( consequencies? )
If these fall outs mean that he is causing you to adapt your behaviour to accommodate his wishes as you feel threatened or bullied, either physically or emotionally, then this comes under the definition of domestic violence.
Phone the Police and ask for their attendance. If they are worth their salt they should see that he leaves the house, even if it is only overnight.
Ask for a log number and date it for the time and date you made the call.
Record the collar numbers of the officers who attend and the nature and outcome of the problem.
This will show the bully that you have immediate (ish!) help at hand.
Show these details to your solicitor.
Official looking mail addressed to your husband I would open up and record details and then destroy them, denying all knowledge should your H ask if they had been delivered.
This is by far from fool proof, as if he is so devious he could be having mail sent elsewhere.
Once you have accumulated as much evidence of his accounts as you can get see a solicitor.
Just before the s* hits the fan speak to your children together and let them know what a life that you have endured.
They are now adults and you should not have to fear shielding them from life's realities.
Hopefully they wont be swayed by his financial contributions to their lives.
You deserve better than he has or is indeed willing to give to you, so go for it.
Be strong, and be successful.

I'm on it ladies many thanks

Jaxie

Good luck with the next steps tooyoungtobeagrandma.

Well done for finding your feet and voice, Jaxie

Tooyoung - wise idea to note mail details as they are delivered but remember that many accounts these days are on line. If you say he locks himself away at night and he has a computer or laptop in there he is almost definitely doing something on line/spreadsheets etc.

If you are a little computer savvy or know someone who is and they can be trusted, then, if you are able to, have a look at his browser history. That could give you a good indication of what he is doing. Also, check "recently visited" on the computer programs, and even if the file is password protected at least you will get file details.

You may find he is arrogant enough not to password protect them.

I was in a very similar position to Tooyoungtobeagrandma for 25 years of my married life. I had no idea what my husband earned, and because I had my children before I started a proper career, had absolutely no money of my own, no bank account and had to beg for money for a pair of tights or if the children needed shoes. I made my own and my daughter's clothes. I remember putting toiletries back on the shelf in shops because I didn't have enough cash to pay for them. I had no earning capacity at all, so I did A levels at evening class and went off to university as a mature student to get a qualification to enable me to get a job that paid. After some years of juggling a family, a full time job, care of elderly relatives I discovered my husband was having an affair with a colleague. He was also reading the lesson at church on a Sunday! I immediately started divorce proceedings which put the fear of God in him, as I was told by the lawyer that because of the age of my youngest child I should get 70% of our assets. In the end we stayed married. When friends ask me why I tell them it's because I had been extremely poor as a child, and I never wanted to be poor again. I still suffer feelings of humiliation and pain, but we don't live together much of the time. I threatened divorce once again when I retired, as I wished to live in the South rather than the Midlands. When he refused to move he suddenly found the money he'd been salting away to buy me a house where I wanted to live. He visits every six weeks or so or I go north to see family members. We have an awkward relationship: he doesn't make me feel good about myself BUT after all those poverty- stricken years of our marriage he now parts with a substantial allowance ( half his monthly pension ) to me. I ask myself if he had a stroke and couldn't look after himself would I care for him? No, as I was disposable when he wanted to leave me for his mistress. I hate not having a husband who should be my best friend, but who is grumpy, gloomy and showing signs of gagadom ( he's 5 years older than I). I have some good friends: he hasn't one. He won't go on holiday, he never takes me out for a meal, he's a poor companion. We have no social life together, so why do I put up with him? I think he represents a kind of security as I was brought up in a single parent family in the 40's & 50's which was difficult. Friends tell me most marriages have problems such as mine. I wouldn't want a dopey adoring husband who gave in to my every whim, but I wish I had one who wasn't what my mother would call " a small parcel". Got that off my chest now Gransnetters and feel better for it. My advice is start divorce proceedings and bring your husband to his senses: it will force the issue one way or another.

Starlady I am not trying to put my children in a difficult position hence not wanting to question them too much re my oh finances and what they know. I found out about their joint account with their father last week by accident when one of them mentioned it in conversation not realising I didn't know. If he was not doing something underhand why did he not tell me hence me being suspicious. As I posted earlier the more I write down and think about other things the more concerned I am. My children are adults so they can make up their own minds and no way would I want to become financially reliant on them as I do not expect them to still be financially reliant on us, they both work. Hopefully I have more years ahead of me but I have definitely lived more than I have left and would like to look forward to a secure retirement.

Of course, your ac think it's great that your oh is putting money away for them. They probably don't realize that he does it without discussing it or the amounts with you. Or they think it's ok because your relationship with him has always been one-sided and they are used to it.

I hope you're not trying to convince them their dad is "wrong" and pull them in the middle. That wouldn't be fair to them, imo. They may be drawn into the middle a bit once a solicitor is in the picture, but that can't be helped. The point is, you, personally, shouldn't be dragging them in or trying to get them to side with you.

"I do wonder where my relationship with my children will be once I start but they are adults and I need a life before mine ends."

I doubt that your life will be ending any time soon. But all the more reason why you need to make sure you're financially set and find some happiness. You're right about your ac - you don't know how they will view the situation, etc. But would they like it if you ended up financially dependent on them? You need to take care of yourself, and I'm glad you are.

Hello everyone. I have looked at the links you have kindly provided and have started to look through his paperwork in the office. Sadly there is not much there as he shreds most mail. I have found an account and taken through details and think I need to make note of the different banks/building society letters that arrive in the post. It's difficult tone talk to the kids as they can't see anything wrong with him puttingpneumatic away and think it's sensible as they will most likely benefit. I do wonder how they will react once he is found to have hidden funds from me (which I really think he has) if/when solicitor gets involved. They are both happy that he is in a position to help them financially so would not want to jeopardise that (I hope I am wrong). I have some time off soon so will make an appt to go to CAB then go from there. I do wonder where my relationship with my children will be once I start but they are adults and I need a life before mine ends. Thank you again for your comments

I don't really have any other advise to the excellent suggestions made already - your situation is very sad. I really would be tempted to tell your children the whole story though and also as has been said start playing him at his own game. Open a new account in your own name and squirrel away as much as you can afford each month. Don't leave the marital home, seek advise via CAB and stop paying out for anything he will benefit from. If he is retiring soon does this mean he is much older than you hence his reference to 'anything happening to him'?

Anyone got a Fitbit? If so which one, and do tbey record your food intake/calories if required. Recommendations please

OP, did you follow the link I gave to CAB’s advice on marriage breakdown and your rights?
www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/ending-a-relationship/
To be honest, I reckon this is what you will get, tailored to your circumstances, if you go to CAB, and the advice to see a solicitor.
CAB are great, but have limited resources. As far as the financial side is concerned the advice will be limited, but you have rights to both a share of the home and finances, probably 50:50.
Before you see a solicitor, gather as much information as you can, and prepare some questions. Before a divorce reaches the courts, the couple is expected to have tried mediation, which can save a lot of money in the end.

This is a new year and you have decisions to make. Is this a marriage? is it a relationship? is it a business agreement? what are you getting out of it? where do you want to be in 5 years time? Think hard about your life. On the basis of information supplied by you i wouldn't consider i was in a marriage or a relationship. There's no evidence of care, team work, communication, shared activities. You'll be eligible for half everything including his pension. Take some advice and think about your future life. Very many best wishes for 2018.

Do not hope for legal aid, there is no such thing these days unless you can prove domestic violence.

No I don't think you are being unreasonable. I think you should start being as clever and devious as he appears to have been.
I do think you should see your G P about feeling so down. Then start to do research about your situation. As people have suggested CAB etc. Why should he be retiring and having a great time when you are struggling to carry on working?
Building your own social life is great idea. Things can change for the better.

Tooyoung, I don't think you're bu to be suspicious. But I think there's more at stake here. Obviously, this marriage has been in trouble from early on. You deserve better. I hope you seek that legal advice asap. And some help for your depression. Best of luck to you!

Toyoungto be a grandma I just read all your posts, so sad I send you a hug. I worry that your depression is not helping. Another big hug to help you get a little zest back in your life.

I hope writing all this down is good therapy and is helping. you clarify your thoughts and all these lovely peoples guidance will help. {flowers}

Fantastic advice Telly

If you have been married for 36 years then the Court will almost certainly split the assets down the middle. If he is making you miserable then the onus is on him to leave. My cousin was in the same position. She stayed put as they had been married for 40 years and she had packed up and moved every time he got a promotion and moved on leaving all her friends and jobs behind.
In the end she asked him to leave and he did (he didn't think she really meant it!).. The Court awarded her the house as in the early days she had provided the lump sum for the deposit and paid most of the mortgage while he was getting himself established. She also got maintenance and half of his pension. He threw a few tantrums about it but had to accept it. Please do not leave your home and it is your home too whether he likes it or not. CAB first then see if you qualify for legal aid. No-one should have to live a miserable life and you deserve better.

I think the sooner you get legal advice the better in case you find the rug pulled out from beneath you before you're ready.

Don't be too hard on yourself. Sometimes it takes seeing something summarised in writing to see how far things have gone, especially when it's been a drip drip process over some years. It can also be hard to think about starting again later in life. It crossed my mind too about another woman, but either way it sounds like you've just been worn down by the situation. I suspect your intuition has been telling you for a while something is wrong and that you've now reached the point where you can't let it go on any longer. Until you reached this point you could probably have kept putting it off or letting it drift.

You're still a young woman and there's plenty of time for you to become happier with your life. You might be suffering from depression, so bear this in mind in case you need to get support from your GP or other professional. Nobody is going to kid you, if you start the process of leaving him it's going to be hard going for a while. Only you will know if you can guess what the reaction of your children is likely to be. They can't be completely unaware of their parents' relationship, so be careful what you say to them at this stage. It sounds like he's going to get a shock, but perhaps not if he's not finding his tea on the table, etc.

Start getting your ducks in a row, but be careful not to show your hand too soon (sorry about the mixed metaphors!) and I think that applies to your children as well as your husband.

Lots of women on here have left their husbands later in life and you'll find plenty of support as you go through the process.

Molly10 unless another woman wanted a sexless misogynistic bore for a partner I doubt he had another female on the side. He was/is shy and has no friends and I think the gym is a Dr suggestion after an accident last year. I think I have ignored a lot more than I realised and that's why now I have written stuff down I wonder how I let myself get into this situation and if someone else had posted this I would be thinking leave the twat! Trouble is when you are living it and you make choices for the benefit of the whole family you lose a lot of yourself for everyone else. I left early on in our marriage but my mother and I talked she convinced me to keep trying. Our first child turned up unplanned and that was my life for the next 30 years home, kids,work. There are other things that have happened that without kids in the mix would have had me running for the hills. I suppose I didn't notice the selfishness so much as I was earning enough to do stuff with/for the kids and didn't think as far as now. He was selfish in respect that care of the kids was down to me and if they were sick/off school it was me that cared for them or had to sort care. He still only sorts himself in the mornings as he has always done and comes home sits in his office and expects his tea cooked even if I've been at work. I have started sitting watching TV and when he asks where's tea I say " I dont know" but the fallout often isn't worth it. I don't do as much around the house as I used to which I find hard as it is not as tidy as I would like but I'm learning to relax that a bit and I only do my own washing (another argument). As I've posted the money situation is now becoming a worry especially with him making all these retirement plans for the end of this year most of which I find out about through the kids. They know I am not happy but think I am making a fuss as things "can't be that bad" that's what happens when you shield your kids from reality

Reading your latest posts I wonder how you have put up with such a selfish bast... for so long!

I would wonder why he is starting a gym membership now at his age too. You could have another woman on the scene to deal with also. You could do without that as far as your financial situation goes but it could be the reason he is being covert.

If you have a good relationship with your children why don't you have a heart to heart with one or both of them. Sometimes children do know or can find out if there is another woman.

On no account leave your home so you, at the very least will keep a roof over your head.

Sorry, reading back through some of the posts there are questions not answered. I spend time alone because he sits in his office all evening or goes to the pub. Weekends he goes to sporting events. He never asks me if I want to join him and to be honest I am no longer the sociable being I used to be. Of the two of us I was the "party" animal and made friends easily. These days I can't find enthusiasm to go/do anything and really only go to work or for the odd day shopping with my friend. I have saved hard for a couple of trips to visit friends abroad but have lost my zest for life and am permanently tired. I was diagnosed with stress but had to pull myself together as there was no one to look after me and I couldn't take time off work and told no one of my visit to the Dr. I have had a serious illness and couple of ops but again was back at work in a couple of days as could not afford to be off. Actually reading this back makes me very cross and sad at the same time!

Tears damnit!!!

End in years