Son in law travelling while my daughter is expecting baby

It must just be me then, who thinks that there is nothing emancipated about raising your own children and being expected to then virtually raise another woman's. Even if she is your daughter. Without so much as a 'by your leave' too!

I'm prepared to cut Dorothy a bit of slack here because I know how much support is often expected from grandparents when living in an isolated rural location.

I don't think voicing her concerns with her daughter is out of order. Everyone is saying she shouldn't interfere but it was their decision to have another child and for the husband to change his job no doubt assuming the grandparents will step into the breach when the daughter goes into labour as well as care for the other child at the same time.

I know I'm swimming against the tide here but there are two sides to this.

Maybe the OP should have a chat with her SIL about the situation. Hes the one that took the new job. They may be able to talk without raised voices.

I'm with MissAdventure and merlotgran, you are not being unreasonable Dorothy, they are taking you for granted. It sounds as though you took on more and more and now they expect more and more. I'm sure you are happy to do all of it but I know exactly the 'rage' feeling inside when people just assume you will do everything. Yes, you will do everything, and willingly, but goodness, how you would like to be asked what you think of it all in advance - I think it's not too much to ask when basically they could not run their lives without you. My pregnant daughter was up for an argument every minute of every day so I'm not judging you for that either ?

This no time to be falling out with your DD or feeling angry with your SIL!!! Save it!!

You feel you are being taken for granted, but there is another way of looking at that. You might think about it as being seen as a loving and reliable grandparent. And it may be that they have thought that you loved being so involved.

If you feel that they have misinterpreted things, then you need to discuss this with them without rancour or blame - say what you feel you can manage and, more importantly, what you cannot. If you do not explain where you stand - in a polite and non-accusatory way - then how can they know?

I really do not think that you should be angry with your SIL or your DD.

This is no time...

I suppose that what I am saying is that clarity of communication is what is needed. My DDs know that I adore having the children, and I always say when it feels too much - they understand.

Wires have got crossed for the OP - but that is no reason to be angry and feel put upon. It is a reason to start to communicate clearly.

I was born into a service family and married someone whose job meant travelling, often to some of the less safe countries in the world, at a few hours notice for indefinite period of time.

He just about managed to be around for our wedding, getting back the evening before it. He did manage to be around when the children were born, although my DM stayed for 10 days then, just in case. Both parents lived 60 miles away and were all in full time employment until DC were school age. So could not provide more than occasional emergency support.

So I managed, as did so many other of us. Your problem is not that your SiL may be away at this crucial time, but that you have allowed them to become so dependent on you that they just assume that any difficulties they have you will always be round to sort everything out.

Once your new DGC is born and the first few months are over, start being less available and cut the apron strings.

Nothing is certain in this life, least of all babies being born on their due date. Who knows what will happen, Daddy-to-be may well be at home when junior decides to put in an appearance. None of our or our DDs carefully laid plans for the births panned out as planned but all the babies arrived safely in their own good time. Dorothy you must be so worried about your daughter having a difficult birth, but baby may turn and all the worry will be in vain.

It does sound as if you have never encouraged independence from you and now, unfortunately, they have all become totally dependent on you and your DH and probably don't realise that it is all too much. You have probably never spoken about it before and let it all build up until you are resentful and angry.

Talk it over with your DH and decide how you both feel, but your DD does need you for the next couple of months. Then you need to all have a calm discussion about the future and how much you are prepared to help, if at all.

Keep your opinions on their arrangements to yourself, it's not your business.

It is Dorothy's business if she and DH are expected to take up the slack without a by-your-leave.

It doesn't matter how the situation came about, if Dorothy encouraged dependence or not. It would be reasonable to expect that a big change, which will need more input from the grandparents, would at least be run past them first.

Right now though, apologise to DD and leave any discussion of being taken for granted until after baby's safe arrival.

If Dorothy has just been informed that she and her husband will be expected to be on standby for the imminent birth of the new baby I can understand her annoyance at being taken for granted but not a good idea to argue with a heavily pregnant daughter.
If the son in law has changed his job for promotion or security I don't blame him; one has to seize the opportunity, but I am wondering if he has done it to have a chance of escaping child care involvement.

A follow up:
Thanks to all those who responded with understanding and sensitivity. It is a very difficult situation. I can't go into too much detail at risk of breaching confidentiality/exposing personal information, so suffice to say son in law is not a loving caring and supportive partner to my daughter.
She is left to manage entirely without support (other than financial - since moving to the countryside she has given up her job, but the situation was exactly the same when she was working full time).

We try very hard to be helpful and supportive without being intrusive. We accept daughter's choice to be with him (we can't do anything about it), but we cannot stand by while she is exploited and neglected.

Some commenters seem to have the impression I was complaining about caring for our grandchild - not at all. We absolutely adore her and every moment spent caring for her is a joy and a privilege.
We get on very well with our daughter, despite our problems with her son in law, and never voice judgements or criticism about him or about her relationship (we tried gently voicing our concerns in the past, it was entirely counterproductive).
No - the only thing I was complaining about was our son in law's decision to change jobs, knowing the extra burden that would place on us for many weeks before and after the pregnancy, without the slightest acknowledgement from either of them that this was the case. A simple "is this ok?" and a thank you would have been quite sufficient.

As I said, there have been several previous similar occasions. When our first grandchild was born I was put in the position of having to do heavy physical work (rather than watch my daughter do it 2 weeks after having a baby) because her husband was conveniently absent.

At any rate, I have apologised to my daughter for arguing (it was a very quiet chat tbh) and we have agreed to put it behind us and carry on as normal - I completely agree with commenters - now is certainly not the time to raise difficult issues.

I hope this follow up clarifies things for people. I was going to remove this thread for fear of breaching privacy, but seeing how much interest it has generated I have decided for the time being to leave it up.

Dorothy, I hope my response was not insensitive especially now you have updated. I now reiterate that I think you are wonderfully supportive and I salute you. Your daughter is so lucky to have you. Can you employ someone this time to do the heavy work? Do update us when baby arrives. My transverse babies are now out earning their own living and making their way.

Dear DorothyL, you have my every sympathy, concern for your daughter who is facing an uncertain confinement, due to the baby’s unstable lie and transverse position. We recently had great anxiety over a pregnancy with my own daughter and I do know how this affects the prospective grandparents.

However I would counsel against being critical of your SIL, as it puts your daughter in such a difficult situation. She may privately agree with you but feel she can’t be critical of her husband. I do know parents who have lost out in similar situations because their child has sided with the spouse.

I do hope you will soon be able to report that the baby has arrived safely and all is well.

When we were visiting my daughter in hospital after her delivery I suddenly realised how lucky we were. So many parents are supporting their children through infertility, obstetric problems, loss of babies. That must be so much more challenging. With every good wish.

I have to tell you that I was left on my own with no parental or other help when our children were born. In those days no one thought anything of it. There was no such thing as paternal leave and no one thought a mother needed any help when her child was born. I recognise that things have changed but it is quite possible that both your DD and SiL think that she will be fine with your help and that he is more useful going and earning the money which allowes her to be a full time mother.

Having read your update you are obviously doing a wonderful job supporting your daughter. I’m so sorry you have these worries. Enjoy the close relationship you have with your daughter, there is nothing so lovely.

My DS had to go away on business when our DiL was heavily pregnant and unwell. I stayed with her overnight and came back home during the day when her friends were around. Luckily they don't live too far away. I was worried, yes, but I kept my fears to myself and did my best to help. I'm afraid I agree with other posters that it's their life and it's a situation where you can decide to adapt - or not. I personally found it tiring coping with the siblings evening and mornings but I was pleased to be trusted to help. I hope all goes well for you

DorothyL, maybe you could have a chat with your daughter about what sort of help she might need.
If it is genuinely too much for you, say so and suggest other arrangements that could be made. For instance online shopping for all of you, instead of trips to the shops.

Some time after baby is born, have another chat about what you and DH feel able to do in the future, and the need to consult you on changes.
Frame it as needing to stay within your capabilities, rather than any comment on their decisions.

Dorothy I don't think you are being unreasonble .
I have been in your position as my DD partner works away from home.
So when my DD was in the last stages of pregnancy on both occasions she moved in with us (complications with each pregnancy)
As luck would have it her partner made it to the births.
But I felt that the responsibility of getting my daughter to hospital appointments and and on several occasions for emergency scans as well as helping to look after another DGC quite stressful.
My DH was still working and and he would also at times be working away from home.

I know that you are just having a little rant on GN and will be there very step of the way with your DD.

I hope all goes well and you will be back on GN to tell us all about your new grandchild.

If the birth is expected to present difficulties she may be admitted to hospital early and be in professional hands from the outset. In your place I would be very nervous of the responsibility. It seems presumptious of them to assume that you and your DH will be on call for any eventuality. However, having said that, she's probably very apprehensive about it all and is relieved that you are close by and would welcome a hug from her Mum!

I agree with you that it is best not to criticise your SIL to your DD; she obviously loves him and is accepting of the situation. If he has a good job working away, perhaps he can pay for someone to come and do some of the jobs that could be too much for a new mother and for you if you and DH are finding it too much to cope with.

I hope your DD is not too isolated and has a car; perhaps when the baby is a few months old she could be encouraged to do the school run herself and meet up with other young mums at a mother and baby group.

I'm not going to say "we had it hard" but in fact, when many of us were young mums we just had to get on with it (trying to wash and dry 2 lots of terry nappies, there was a bakers' strike, we had to make our own bread, DH went away for months on end, no parents nearby - and no car either!).

I'm not whingeing, honestly, but sometimes I wonder how we all did it!

Jalima1108 and Nonnie -me too - in my case living in a 14ft caravan outside our derelict farmhouse 1000ft up in the Peak District. My inlaws lived in Spain and my mother was still working and living in Kent. It never occurred to me to ask either of them for help. OH got to go to a heated office every day with a flushing loo! I found living in the local leisure centre worked pretty well in the daytime and in the evning OH took over and I worked in a local bar. Bonus was that both children swam before they walked and amazingly my eldest daughter has just done pretty much the same thing. Living in one room with a baby while renovating a house around them.

Gosh, that must have been hard!
DH was somewhere overseas .....

Granarchist Well done you. I think we all just got on with it and didn't expect much from our DHs because that was the way things were then.