Gransnet forums


To treat my son's home as a holiday venue, while he's there?

(63 Posts)
Tennisnan Mon 29-Jan-18 15:37:27

My son and his wife live in the Far East for his banking job. I love the city he lives in. Is it wrong to visit twice a year for 2 weeks? While I'm there I - buy their food and mine, and cook it, do chores and errands for them, ask them not to change their schedule or use up holiday allowance to occupy me, contribute to aircon bill, tidy up after myself, go to bed early several nights to give them alone time, get myself to and from the airport. When he visits me over in UK he goes straight back to treating our home as his home which I love. They both say we love you visiting but fiancées mum said recently when we met "didn't you have a really long stay last time? Did you enjoy yourself?". It got me thinking they've commented unfavourably to her about my visits. She only stays about 4 days at a time but she's always on a journey to/from New Zealand visiting relations so has had her holiday somewhere else - and stays with relatives.

dragonfly46 Tue 30-Jan-18 09:59:18

All I can say is that when I lived in Holland my MIL used to come to visit for 2 weeks including three weekends. I found it a real chore as I was left with her during the day and although I didn't feel I had to entertain her it was just the fact that she was there. Also we never knew when she had booked to go home so I had to ask my SIL. Having said that it could just be that the other mother is jealous at the length of time you spend there. I think the best thing is to ask them making it clear that you would not be upset if they wanted you to come for a shorter length of time.

Smithy Tue 30-Jan-18 10:21:11

I'm sensitive to vibes etc and I'm sure if out was me I'd be able to tell if they weren't keen on me being there. I visit my daughter in another city far more than she comes here and she always says I'm no bother and can come anytime. I think the other mother is a bit jealous. I agree that they might like you going as they then don't have to visit you so often, as they have busy lives.

radicalnan Tue 30-Jan-18 11:12:45

Try not to linger on words too much they may not mean what they sounded like.

Don't borrow trouble.

henetha Tue 30-Jan-18 11:18:08

It all sounds lovely to me, and you behave beautifully.
Ignore this persons comments, - she may or may not have been having a dig. If any aspect of your visits annoyed your son or wife they would say so, wouldn't they?

ReadyMeals Tue 30-Jan-18 11:34:46

Henetha, not if they have both been brought up to be polite. Not necessarily

luluaugust Tue 30-Jan-18 11:39:49

I am sure even if they didn't say anything you would pick up on a bad atmosphere, or when you mentioned you were thinking of visiting they would have started finding excuses for you not to go. As for the other MIL lets not go there! except to say her ideas may not be your ideas.

anitamp1 Tue 30-Jan-18 11:40:43

In the words of an Eagles song 'we make it harder than it has to be'. I think we worry too much needlessly sometimes. Think your arrangements sound great.

sylviann Tue 30-Jan-18 11:42:26

Surely you can tell by their attitude if they are happy for you to be there,I wouldn't over do things with th helping out as it might look as if you are trying to take over

Tessa101 Tue 30-Jan-18 12:11:12

I’ve just arrived back on Sunday from 5 weeks in Australia staying with my DD SIL and gc. I was meant to stay for 4 wks but extended it another week. My family would have loved me to stay longer but it wasn’t realistic. I also just slot into there lifestyle and do chores school runs buy shopping etc and I’m always told it’s easy having me stay and I’m always welcome. I think you are worrying about nothing, maybe the other lady is miffed that she can’t stay longer due to her visiting others along the way. Don’t let it spoil you visits I’m sure if there was an issue they would be honest enough to let you know.

swji1 Tue 30-Jan-18 12:26:13

I don't think it is wrong at all to go for a couple of weeks twice a year! We do the same with our son and DiL who live 'over the pond' - in fact we go for 3 weeks at a time and always try to go at a time when they welcome help because of their work commitments. Like you, we try to give them a break from household chores and babysit all the time. If we didn't go, we would never get to know our twin grandchildren. We do try and go away for a couple of days in the middle of our visit, just to give them a break. I agree with the other comments telling you to keep on with the way things are and keep going until things change.

luzdoh Tue 30-Jan-18 12:49:52

Hi Tennisnan, I think you might be worrying too much. If you really think they might be offended by your visit, then ask them openly, without any upset or distress, just a reasonable question. But really, I can't see what's wrong. I went to stay with my eldest daughter when she and her then fiancé now husband lived in Hong Kong and she gave me the most wonderful holiday of my life. It was simply marvellous and I didn't even do any cooking for them as far as I remember! I think she enjoyed taking me round all the places. It certainly helped make up for the long times when we could not see each other due to the distance between us when I went home.

W11girl Tue 30-Jan-18 12:58:22

I agree with bluebelle stop looking for a problem. As long as you ask in advance I can’t see a problem

Milly Tue 30-Jan-18 16:51:15

I think you are seeing problems where there aren't any. The remark about the long time you were there and did you enjoy it sounds like just a kind enquiry especially as I gather you are on your own, and the enquirer was pleased for you. You sound an excellent guest who not only helps but is tactful enough to leave the young people on their own. After all you are his mother and twice a year doesn't sound like over doing it to me. Enjoy.

GrannyEggy1 Tue 30-Jan-18 16:57:54

They probably love having , it's a long way away, so it's obvious you are not going to stay for just a few nights. I lived in the States for 6 years, and all friends and relations came to stay for at least two weeks. We loved it and every one mucked in, nobody took it for granted, it was fun. Ignore the remarks, she possibly didn't mean it the way you took it, and if she did , ignore it , you sound a great guest.

Jalima1108 Tue 30-Jan-18 17:01:06

Marmight I could have written most of your post I do the fridge first which is a family joke and then I take on the role of Widow Twankey.
Although ours didn't live with us.

Jalima1108 Tue 30-Jan-18 17:02:00

I think that two weeks is a relatively short time to stay having travelled all that distance Tennisnan

Legs55 Tue 30-Jan-18 17:34:52

I go up to Yorkshire from Devon twice a year to visit DM, 1 week is long enough for us to be together. We are both fiercely independent (she is nearly 89).

DM has been widowed for 18 years, I have been widowed for 5 years. We are both used to doing things our own way.

I'm sure your DS & DiL love having you there, in my experience with my family they would soon tell me if I've overstayed my welcome. You're arranging dates with them so can't see the problem.

Eilyann70 Tue 30-Jan-18 17:42:44

When my DD and DSiL and 3 children returned from the Far East, while selling up their propertyin the south and buying another, they stayed with us for 10 months. Luckily we then had a big house.Never a cross word, though kitchen times had to be worked out! Fast forward 13 years we downsized and while waiting for building work on our bungalow we spent 6 months with DD and DSiL and 4 GC.

Eilyann70 Tue 30-Jan-18 17:46:32

Meant to add - it does help if you have large house!Also do your

Eilyann70 Tue 30-Jan-18 17:48:09

family have live in help?

Sorry not god on this yet!

Eilyann70 Tue 30-Jan-18 17:51:38

or even GOOD!! Would reiterate what others have said ==talk to th

Eilyann70 Tue 30-Jan-18 17:52:15

em and ask.

grannyactivist Tue 30-Jan-18 18:06:46

"Didn't you have a really long stay last time? Did you enjoy yourself?" The first sounds like a perfectly reasonable question coming from someone who only stays herself for four days at a time, as by comparison two weeks is a long time, and I thought the second question was more along the lines of the speaker implying that she wouldn't enjoy staying that long, not a comment on how long tennis stays.
In your shoes tennisnan I wouldn't give it a second's thought. Sometimes a question has no hidden meaning. smile

eebeew Tue 30-Jan-18 20:58:41

My daughters in laws have just arrived in NZ from England and are staying for 2 months! They don’t ask they just announce their plans. My daughter works from home and finds this difficult. I suppose they feel entitled since it is so far and they are missing out on their only grandchild.

eebeew Tue 30-Jan-18 21:05:53

DD ‘s in laws have just arrived from England to NZ for 2 months. They don’t ask just announce their plans. It’s difficult as my daughter works from home. They miss their only grandchild and want to see as much of her as possible of course, but it’s too long.