Gransnet forums

AIBU

To treat my son's home as a holiday venue, while he's there?

(62 Posts)
Tennisnan Mon 29-Jan-18 15:37:27

My son and his wife live in the Far East for his banking job. I love the city he lives in. Is it wrong to visit twice a year for 2 weeks? While I'm there I - buy their food and mine, and cook it, do chores and errands for them, ask them not to change their schedule or use up holiday allowance to occupy me, contribute to aircon bill, tidy up after myself, go to bed early several nights to give them alone time, get myself to and from the airport. When he visits me over in UK he goes straight back to treating our home as his home which I love. They both say we love you visiting but fiancées mum said recently when we met "didn't you have a really long stay last time? Did you enjoy yourself?". It got me thinking they've commented unfavourably to her about my visits. She only stays about 4 days at a time but she's always on a journey to/from New Zealand visiting relations so has had her holiday somewhere else - and stays with relatives.

BlueBelle Mon 29-Jan-18 15:43:54

I don’t understand what you asking only you can possibly know the answers is it worth worrying about Don’t look for problems where there doesn’t sound as if there are any

Jalima1108 Mon 29-Jan-18 15:46:12

Perhaps they thought you should have stayed longer?
I am a bit confused - who is the fiancee?

Bathsheba Mon 29-Jan-18 16:18:22

Perhaps the son lives somewhere where polygamy is permitted, so he has a wife and a fiancée Jalima grin

Jalima1108 Mon 29-Jan-18 16:22:34

I never thought of that Bathsheba!

Eglantine21 Mon 29-Jan-18 16:23:34

Just go and enjoy yourself. Is it Singapore? Can I come too? grin

NotTooOld Mon 29-Jan-18 16:26:09

Doesn't sound unreasonable to me but couldn't you just ask them how they feel about your visits? If it's starting to bother you could you stay in a hotel or self-catering instead? That way you'd still get to see your son but without the angst.

123flump Mon 29-Jan-18 17:06:10

Ask them if it's OK. Some people would love it and some wouldn't.

M0nica Mon 29-Jan-18 17:31:33

Have you tried asking him?

Farmor15 Mon 29-Jan-18 22:59:30

Sounds OK to me. I visit son and family in another country a few times a year, and like Tennisnan, do shopping and cooking and as they have 2 small children,babysitting. I just check in advance whether planned dates suit.

I think as long as you can be independent about travel etc, don’t expect to be entertained and help with housework and costs, that you shouldn’t worry and enjoy visits.

Jalima1108 Mon 29-Jan-18 23:01:56

Can I come too?
Can we all come please - I'll wash up.
I want to see those 'fantastic metal trees'.

Jalima1108 Mon 29-Jan-18 23:06:04

I used to wash up and tidy the kitchen when I went to look after the DGC until I read on a thread that DILs may not like that, so perhaps check which chores your DIL would like you to do. If she says 'none' then just clear up your own mess.
Although I must say that my DIL always seemed grateful if I did do it.

MawBroon Tue 30-Jan-18 01:12:00

Do they ask you to come?

WilmaKnickersfit Tue 30-Jan-18 02:12:35

I think you should carry on with your visits for as long as you can because at some point you may not be able to make the journey. I am amazed though at how much you contribute and help out. If they both say they love you visiting, accept that they do. They're probably glad you visit them so they don't have to visit you more often.

Marmight Tue 30-Jan-18 05:18:31

I'm sure they'd tell you if they weren't happy with your visits. I'd just carry on so long as everyone's ok with the arrangements.
I'm just finishing a 2 month stay with DD2, SiL and 4 GCs in NSW. I help out with cleaning (I do the fridge first which is a family joke - annual event), cook some nights, do loads of washing - all the usual domestic stuff to give my poor DD a rest. I treat the kids, pay for some of the shopping and take them out for occasional meals. It all works well. DD and I get on well and we always have a few days away together which I finance. SiL is great and includes me in everything. If he's fed up with his Mil, he never shows it! They lived with us rent free for almost a year before marrying and we all survived that. If they weren't happy they'd tell me. I don't know how long this can be sustained. Who knows what's round the corner, so I take every opportunity to visit while I'm able. I reckon you should do the same wink

travelsafar Tue 30-Jan-18 08:19:22

I think I would book into the equivalent of a travel lodge near by and visit them but have my own space to go back too and to not have the worry that I am unwittingly imposing myself on them. But hey that is just me, the thought of living in someone else's home no matter how much I love and care for them just isn't something I would do.

Greyduster Tue 30-Jan-18 08:59:16

We stayed in the equivalent of a Travelodge in Singapore in 1967. There were 🦎 and monkeys in the shower!! 😱

CariGransnet (GNHQ) Tue 30-Jan-18 09:20:50

Jalima - the fantastic metal trees are fantastic indeed - we loved them

Bibbity Tue 30-Jan-18 09:30:43

For me personally having been a guest for 2 weeks would be far to long. However everyone is different and if they haven't said anything then I'd assume they were happy.

Do you ask them when and how long you can visit or do you tell them because the latter could cause some issues.

Bibbity Tue 30-Jan-18 09:31:15

Not having been! Just having!

Tennisnan Tue 30-Jan-18 09:46:10

DIL is loveliest girl ever, always says when are you coming again
yes we discuss suitable dates
local accommodation (city centre) too expensive
think from what I hear having your DM stay is different to yr MIL hence my worries
such a long/expensive flight, I try to make the most of it and hv to get over jet lag
think they are both just too nice to tell me if they didn't like the length of stay - no kids yet so obs will be different when they do
why I asked - just wanted some other MIL opinions - thks you've all really helped

Mumsyface Tue 30-Jan-18 09:48:30

I worked abroad for quite a few years and always loved having family visitors, both my own and my husbands. Always welcomed and missed when they left. We always developed our own social circle and support networks wherever we were but that didn’t make one jot of difference. It’s always lovely to see them. And it’s a long way to go, and a great deal of expense, for just a few days, so a couple of weeks sounds fine to me. You could break it up by doing a local trip in the middle to somewhere touristy, or an area of natural beauty, for a few days. Make the most of it while you can, and don’t take any notice of mixed or unclear messages. If someone has something to say it should be clear.....maybe you’re misinterpreting the comment or overthinking it - is that possible?

janeayressister Tue 30-Jan-18 09:52:17

I think if they started making excuses as to why you shouldn't come, then you could worry.
Who knows the motivation behind your son's wife's Mothers comments. She could have been jealous.
Anyway they are grown ups and if they don't like it they surely would have said by now.
It is quite a long time to stay with someone but no doubt they when they have children they will be glad of an extra hand. Keep going!!

Bibbity Tue 30-Jan-18 09:57:05

It's sounds like you're much wanted and that you all have a lovely time. I'd honestly not worry.
You communicate well with them and I'd assume that if there were any problems they would feel free to mention them to you.
I think the problem is that no one ever writes a post about what a perfectly nice time they've had but people do seek advice when there are problems so it can make you think there must be an issue when there isn't.

ReadyMeals Tue 30-Jan-18 09:58:11

Nothing wrong with thinking about the possibility - it shows you are a considerate person. If you ask them outright as one person suggested, they will have to say "no it's no trouble at all" if they are polite, so that's not the way to go imho. If you really want to test the water I think the best way to do it is just before you book your next trip say "I thought this visit I might stay at a hotel for one of the weeks" and see if they protest or ask why. If they don't ask, you'll know they do prefer not to have you stay the full two weeks. If they have always been completely happy to accommodate you then they will express surprise or dismay and ask why, at which point you can tell them you thought it was imposing on them to stay for so long and they can reassure you otherwise.