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Daughter wants to move home

(123 Posts)
damek1ndness Tue 30-Jan-18 21:36:09

So my DD is 30 and lives as a single mum with 5 yr old grandson. I live in the old Family home with my partner of 10 years. We work full time and have a quiet happily sedate life at home. Financially we manage OK The house has two attic rooms - it’s not an enormous house by any means but there’s enough room we can potter about and have room to breathe. Last child moved out 2 years ago We are a lucky generation to have good housing, a mortgage, free higher education etc

My DD works full time in a reasonably paid job - but the rents in our area are very high and they live in a tiny damp flat. I hate going round there because quite honestly it makes me feel guilty

She is quite low at the moment and wants a breathing space to save and get herself in a better position. She’s asked to come back and live at home for a couple of years - using the attic rooms. She last lived at home about 7 yrs ago and it wasn’t easy - she can be spiky and difficult and we can rub each other up the wrong way (we fell out 48 hours into a holiday a few years ago !)

I’m caught between being a mum wanting to help - but selfishly also afraid of disturbing the peace and tranquility I’ve only just got. Realistically there’s room if I do a lot of throwing out of junk

She’s full of promises about how we will negotiate the arrangements, that she’s matured - but I’m not entirely convinced.

I haven’t even started a discussion with my partner about it.

AIBU to be so reluctant?

kathsue Sat 01-Sep-18 15:49:04

Thanks sweetie222 I've just read the update which was posted in February.
If the OP is still watching/reading GN it would be nice if she would let us know how it's going.

JudyJudy12 Sat 01-Sep-18 14:50:58

I would have to say no, it would probably end in not speaking at all, my daughter is spiky too. If you can afford it offer to top up her rent if she moves to a better place until she can afford the whole rent herself.
If I said no to my daughter we would still probably end up not speaking though.

alchemilla Sat 01-Sep-18 13:29:30

OP I would discuss it with your partner first. Yes, offering your DD and DGS a helping hand would be good if you could manage it but two years is a hell of a long time in a fairly small house with a DD who has been "spiky". And you work too. What you don't want is for your relationship with DP to be compromised or break down.

So I would agree with those suggesting it's put on a proper legal footing with a tenancy agreement with contributions from your daughter and a review with her separately about how it's working and very firm guidelines. You also need to check if that attic actually is solid enough for occupation and not just storage - and put in the extra fire/smoke sensors. And carpet it for some noise insulation.

Grannyof4 For one thing, you don't do a huge favour on the basis that your DC will help you in the future for starters. And you may be very disappointed if you do.

Diana54 Sat 01-Sep-18 07:48:48

A very definite NO you both will have endless privacy problems, don't do it unless a section of the house can be set aside with a separate entrance.
A " Granny Flat " extension would serve that need she would have her own space and still close to home, attic rooms are totally unsuitable

PECS Fri 31-Aug-18 22:27:05

I have recently been contemplating a similar situation. My DD2 is in an unhappy relationship. Her partner is refusing to sell the home they co-own so she and her girls can live independently. I had to think if it was possible to fit them in with us if things got to that stage.. I already have my brother living with us. He suffered a major breakdown , lost his business, his marriage and ended up for a short time in prison. He cannot claim housing benefit as I am a relative, he does little bits of work but it is more hobby level so is not earning enough to contribute significantly to the household. I would still have made space if DD and DGDs needed it. It is what our family does!

Sweetie222 Fri 31-Aug-18 22:18:02

There was an update ....

Sweetie222 Fri 31-Aug-18 22:15:39

Doh! I also just realised this is an old, resurrected post. Wonder what did happen!

Sweetie222 Fri 31-Aug-18 22:11:15

Hiya, I can see you've had lots of thoughtful comments, I always look at the practicalities, so:

Would two attic rooms really be better than the flat she has? Surely much less space up two flights of stairs is a recipe for depression unless she uses your living space. One suggestion would be to have one bedroom as a living room and one attic room to sleep,

Some have said about her paying you rent ... odds are at the moment she is getting housing benefit, she won't get that living with a parent and she will still have transport and childcare costs.

Instead of child being in care 7 to 7 and your daughter
spending a great deal of time and money commuting she could earn much less locally and rent a better place nearby.

And .. is the child a pleasure to have around? Or is he always needing/wanting something. Does your daughter have an easy and happy relationship with him or will he become "yours".

The last one is very realistic, but it could make all the difference to whether it is a lovely or nightmare idea to have her stay.

All the best

DoraMarr Fri 31-Aug-18 22:11:12

I would find it hard to say no to any of my children, and eadpecially my grandchildren. All four of mine were “boomerang” kids, some while they saved for a house, some while they did post- graduate qualifications. It was only when the last one was settled in a good job and a house of her own that I felt able to sell up and downsize, although I have still had my eldest daughter and her husband for a month, in the second of my two bedrooms,while they had work done on their house. It wasn’t always easy, especially with my messy son, but I knew I was helping them, and we are all now very close. I know they would all help me if I needed it- and who knows what is in the future? However, that is not why I did it, I did it because I love them.

Lisalou Fri 31-Aug-18 22:10:31

Ladies, this thread sort of stopped back in February...

Melanieeastanglia Fri 31-Aug-18 20:49:15

I think you'll have to discuss it with your partner soon because, if the boot was on the other foot, you'd probably want him to discuss it with you before he said "yes".

Why not say "yes" with the proviso that, if things are impossible, she will have to find other accommodation.

Money - I don't know what your financial position is but is it possible for you to help her find somewhere better to rent and pay part of the rent for her?

That way, you'd help her and keep your own space.

pollysgran Fri 31-Aug-18 19:25:10

Gosh yes, have them back with you for a while and enjoy it. Knowing that their living conditions are poor will eat away until you’re unable to enjoy the comfort of your own home. You’re so right about our generation being lucky. Set rules, on both sides, by all means. What an opportunity to have fun with the little lad and great to know you’ve helped give them a new start.
My son and DIL lived here for eight months while they saved for a deposit and although I thought it would be hard, it turned out to be fun and strengthened all of the relationships involved.

Starlady Tue 06-Feb-18 02:47:24

Agree with all those who say to work out ground rules beforehand, including whether or not you'll be doing any babysitting and how much, etc. She might want you to watch gs every evening, for example, while you assume you'll only be called upon once or twice a week. Or you may expect to get to babysit and she intends to live a very separate life from you up there in the attic rooms.

Imo, deciding on whether or not she'll contribute financially is also important, as is whether or not she'll be responsible for any household chores. You 2 might have to make some compromises on this. But better to get it all out on the table beforehand.

If you can't work everything out, then, that's your cue that it just can't be. Also, be prepared for some things to change after she has been living there a while.

I also agree with the idea of an end-date, at least as a goal. In fact, maybe you should have an even shorter "trial period." If things are going ok by the end of that period, then you continue. If not, she and gs would have to move out.

Just some thoughts... But first, imo, you need to discuss this with your partner. What does he say? And if he's against it, can you find it in your heart to turn dd down? Or does she come first with you?

Sassieannie Sun 04-Feb-18 20:36:43

I have similar issues with my daughter who is a single mother on income support. She lives in a small council flat in the same village. However, although I have said she could move home if need be, I know that she would find it very hard to get on the social housing register again. Plus, she has a new partner, also on benefits who I would find it very hard to live with. If she is on a good income, then it is foreseeable that in the future she will able to move on... but should things get worse, loss of job, etc, then you may find yourself in an impossible situation.

mrsmopp Fri 02-Feb-18 16:28:56

I would find it very hard to say no, though I would want to say no, because I would feel invaded, much as I love them. Also think how it would affect your relationship with your daughter. If you said no, she may never forgive you. I wouldn't want to risk offending or upsetting her.
So on balance I would agree to help her out. It's what parents do. Also ask yourself how you could ask her for help if you needed it in old age - do you think she would help you?

EmilyHarburn Thu 01-Feb-18 18:03:04

I think this will test your relationship with your partner as well as you with your daughter if you allow her to move in. It is very difficult to have your daughter and a young child house. Both of you will become unpaid babysitters. You will find that you have to coordinate your whole day round the routines of your daughter and her child. When you grandson cannot attend school because he is sick you will have to cancel what you were going to do and look after him etc.

Hopefully you will be able to find some way to help her. If you have the savings, maybe you should offer to pay a deposit while she pays the mortgage and then returns your deposit.

Very difficult. all the best in sorting this out.

NotTooOld Thu 01-Feb-18 17:29:15

Paddyann - I understand where you are coming from but the OP has a comfortable life with her partner, from what she says. Would it not be wiser to offer financial help, if at all possible? She is already anticipating problems if her DD and son move in with her.

jenpax Thu 01-Feb-18 17:15:10

I had my youngest DD live with me for two periods of 1 and half years and then after a period in her own place of 2 years was back with me for 4 more years.
She moved out last year with her new partner and they are now settled 40 minutes away.
I had her back for much the same reasons you contemplate, her health is often poor as she has a chronic health condition and she has two small boys, at the time it was just her and her first born and I was worried about how she was coping as the flat though outwardly nice was plagued by damp, I worried about her health and my small DGS who was a toddler, in the end we agreed she would move back in with me. It wasn’t easy as she and I don’t get on very smoothly living together and although we have a big home and I am out at work all week we did struggle we get on much better now she is back in her own home and this time she has a partner to help her with things when she gets ill so I worry less. However that said I would have any of my DD and their children and husbands here at a pins drop if they needed it, however difficult especially if I could help them save up to move out

paddyann Thu 01-Feb-18 15:45:22

NotTooOld would YOU be happy to live with a man who would let your D and GC live in an unhealthy flat? I cant see any reason why a man who was that selfish should get a say ...of course HE could always move into it and let the young family move into the FAMILY home .He certainly wouldn't be living with me if he was so selfish as to ut his needs above those of my child and her son

NotTooOld Thu 01-Feb-18 15:18:26

Hmm. I'm not sure about this. I've only read the first couple of pages of the thread but has anyone mentioned your current partner in this? Even if you yourself own the house, it is also his home. What does he think about it? You really must discuss this and make the decision together. If your DD moved in against your partner's wishes what sort of life would all of you then have? Personally I would much prefer to offer some financial help ( if at all possible) than have them move in with me and DH. Don't be pressurised by the 'they're your family therefore you must let them move in' brigade. Life's not that simple.

glammanana Thu 01-Feb-18 10:51:38

If had the space and spare bedrooms I would never say no to any of my children,my eldest son boomaranged back and forth when he was in a rocky relationship with a girl years ago and they all know we will help them in any way at all,it worked the other way around when hubby and I moved back from living abroad we moved into DDs attic rooms for 3 months whilst we found a flat and got it ready for us to live in.We made sure we where upstairs by 7pm every night so she could have her time with her family with out our interference.
Just make sure you settle on payments towards bills and food etc and any childcare right at the start and keep to your agreements. Best of luck .

Washerwoman Thu 01-Feb-18 08:51:29

I completely understand your reservations. When DDs relationship ended abruptly -not her choice and they had just bought a house together after years of renting -there was talk of her selling and moving back in with us until she worked out what she could afford alone.She decided to rent out a room and stay.But a few years on has had enough of sharing and wants her own place.She about to buy something that needs rewiring etc so will probably move in for a few weeks whilst the worst of the work goes ahead.But as DH moved and downsized all around the same time quietly my heart sank at the idea of an adult DC moving back in,lovely as she is and close as we are.However when she asked us to go for a second viewing and give an opinion on a house I found myself saying come live with us for a while and save up so you can afford something a bit better !She values her own space and privacy too -thankfully.And with a frail, elderly mum to worry about, and grandparenting duties whilst still working we value the peace and quiet of our home more than ever.Even after Xmas I was quietly relieved to have it to ourselves again.
I remembered my lovely PILs twice accommodating us,once when we had no DC'S and a house purchase fell through,and a few years later with two small DC'S a dog and two cats when we had lots of building work done. They did ,however, have plenty of room and were recently retired ,and were often away on holiday.DH and I are not that we'll off !MIL even said she missed us when we left,but then she was much more sociable than me.The older I get the more peace and quiet I crave ,as I'm sure you do.
However if her flat is small and damp I would find it impossible myself to say no.But would definitely put a time limit and have a frank discussion about arrangements for the kitchen,child care etc.Maybe just a few months could really make a difference.If she's a bit 'spikey' sorting out the ground rules in advance is even more essential isn't it?And you don't want to end up feeling resentful. Hope you find a resolution.

Yogagirl Thu 01-Feb-18 08:21:36

Anniebach flowers

Damekindness what a dilemma! I love my peace & quite too and the Peppa pig resonates with me grin If you could do what others have suggested, try and make the attic rooms self sufficient, have some ground rules and set a time limited, you would be doing your DD & GD a huge favour in her time of need. It will take a few months to settle, but after that I think you will be very sad when she eventually leaves. Being young, your DD may soon meet another man and haypressto!
Good luck

kitty1898 Thu 01-Feb-18 08:18:54


jocork Thu 01-Feb-18 04:58:36

A couple of years ago DD, who lived in Birmingham, was applying for a job in London and had she got it intended to move home as I only live about 20 miles outside the capital. Although I would never have said she couldn't come, I was very apprehensive, as over the last few years I've lived alone and got used to being able to do what I want whenever I want etc. I felt guilty that I was relieved she didn't get the job. A few months later she applied for another London job and by then I'd adjusted to the idea and could see some positives, so when she again was rejected but got a new job elsewhere I was more disappointed than she was! She now lives and works in Glasgow! I realise the circumstances were very different but I fully understand the OP's concerns as we do get settled in our ways a bit when we no longer have our offspring at home. She also has a partner to consider as well as a young child. I think her partner's feelings should be very high up on her pros and cons list when deciding. Two years is a long time if things are not easy, but like many of you I agree that our children are for life and would never have said no myself if there was a possibility of making it work.