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Daughter wants to move home

(122 Posts)
damek1ndness Tue 30-Jan-18 21:36:09

So my DD is 30 and lives as a single mum with 5 yr old grandson. I live in the old Family home with my partner of 10 years. We work full time and have a quiet happily sedate life at home. Financially we manage OK The house has two attic rooms - it’s not an enormous house by any means but there’s enough room we can potter about and have room to breathe. Last child moved out 2 years ago We are a lucky generation to have good housing, a mortgage, free higher education etc

My DD works full time in a reasonably paid job - but the rents in our area are very high and they live in a tiny damp flat. I hate going round there because quite honestly it makes me feel guilty

She is quite low at the moment and wants a breathing space to save and get herself in a better position. She’s asked to come back and live at home for a couple of years - using the attic rooms. She last lived at home about 7 yrs ago and it wasn’t easy - she can be spiky and difficult and we can rub each other up the wrong way (we fell out 48 hours into a holiday a few years ago !)

I’m caught between being a mum wanting to help - but selfishly also afraid of disturbing the peace and tranquility I’ve only just got. Realistically there’s room if I do a lot of throwing out of junk

She’s full of promises about how we will negotiate the arrangements, that she’s matured - but I’m not entirely convinced.

I haven’t even started a discussion with my partner about it.

AIBU to be so reluctant?

Nanabilly Tue 30-Jan-18 21:45:28

I would dread having any of my lot move back in now. As you say you are used to the space and tranquillity of being just the 2 of you now so think long and hard about this and don't let your heart rule your head. If it were me and the relationship could be iffy at times I would say no... and mean it... and not feel guilty about it.

minesaprosecco Tue 30-Jan-18 22:00:07

If it was me, they would be more than welcome. Relationships may be difficult, but I would not be able to live with myself if one of mine were in such need and I refused to help them. However, it is entirely up to you what you do, and if you really can't accept her back in your home can you help in other ways? Financially, or with childcare? You might already be doing this, of course.

MissAdventure Tue 30-Jan-18 22:01:54

I think it might be best (if you do allow your daughter back) to have a set time frame that you both agree on, by which time she will have saved enough. I would be reluctant too.

Luckygirl Tue 30-Jan-18 22:03:29

Isn't it hard - you want to help but also have to be realistic about how it might work out in practice; especially as there is a non-biological relative in the house.

We had our DD and OH and child in our rather small home for about 6 months when their house suffered fire damage and it took a long time to renovate it. It worked out very well - but.....both of them are very easy-going people.

Scribbles Tue 30-Jan-18 22:04:47

I, too, would say "no" and feel no guilt. You've brought up your daughter and are now entitled to enjoy some Us time with your partner. From what you say, having daughter and gs to live with you would be tense and stressful for all of you and nobody needs tense and stressful at home!

Christinefrance Tue 30-Jan-18 22:08:38

I agree with MissAdventure give your daughter the help she needs but set out the time frame and agree basic rules. Allow each other space, make her accommodation as independent of yours as it can be etc. I like my home to myself too but I would help if I could. Good luck.

grannyactivist Tue 30-Jan-18 22:09:10

For me it was no problem having my son and his wife move in after they'd married and while they were saving up, but then I'd also lived happily with my in-laws when waiting to purchase a house, so knew the arrangement from both sides.
You know the personalities involved and whether it's likely that you can make it work or not; be honest with yourself, is it going to create friction? If so, say no and explain your reasons, but try to offer help in other ways if you can.

Eglantine21 Tue 30-Jan-18 22:18:45

I had my daughter and her husband twice when they were moving house. I lived in a much bigger house then and could give them their own bedroom, bathroom and living room. We had kitchen times and rules.
It was was fine but you do need to agree the rules and stick to them. Too easy for adult children to revert to being teenagers!

merlotgran Tue 30-Jan-18 22:23:53

When your daughter last lived at home and was spiky and difficult she wasn't a mother (if my calculations are correct) so it's possible her attitude will have changed.

Finding the money to pay for living in an expensive rental problem can be stressful enough but if it is tiny and damp it's no wonder she's feeling low.

Keep the discussions upbeat with her. Put a positive spin on the future rather than looking for problems. Yes, you value your peaceful life and she must be made to understand this but would it really upset the apple cart to have them live with you while she gets herself in a better position?

Good luck with your OH

durhamjen Tue 30-Jan-18 22:35:30

When I had my aortic dissection, I had to move in with my son and his family for a few months; otherwise I would have been a bedblocker.
I would do the same for them if it was necessary.
If your family cannot rely on you when in need, when can they?
They are in need, as you said they live in a tiny damp flat. That affects health, both physical and mental, and you've said you hate going to visit them because of it.
No-brainer to me.

paddyann Tue 30-Jan-18 22:44:57

I wouldn't think twice about it,my son moved back with his daughter after his relationship ended.They were here for over 6 years and his daughter is still here at least two nights a week ...thats a year after Dad moved in with a new partner.I'll keep her with us until they are settled and know its for keeps although she does stay with them at weekends and loves it.She still thinks of here as home though and for as long as she wants to be here it will be her home.In my opinion when you have children its not time limited ..they are yours for life and mine are always welcome to come back if they need to.Thankfully their dad is of the same opinion.

MissAdventure Tue 30-Jan-18 22:48:50

I love your point of views on family and children, paddyann. I don't always agree with them myself, but I always know your family comes first, and you always advise others to think of their families first and foremost. Its really lovely.

M0nica Tue 30-Jan-18 22:56:10

You have the space and you could make it virtually self contained, with your daughter having a living room, where she could have a bed and a room for her son and her clothes.

But as others have said, you would need to have rules and, at least at the start enforce them rigidly, but once she understood that you would never enter her space without knocking, or even ringing, she would understand that yours and your partner's space was also private and she could only come in with your consent.

You could make saving and evidence of saving as part of the conditions of housing her. Use a savings account like a rent book.

paddyann Wed 31-Jan-18 01:10:35

MissAdventurethank you,its children took an awful lot of of time and effort and heartache to get ..I treasure them and always will .Now I have four small versions of them and they are a joy and a delight,never a dull day .They'll be mine until I'm no longer here and until then I'll do everything in my power to help them in any way possible whenever needed .

MissAdventure Wed 31-Jan-18 02:11:35

flowers paddy

TerriBull Wed 31-Jan-18 08:49:53

I really feel for you Damekindness, one of our sons relationship broke down a couple of years ago, due to his partner having an affair with one of his friends who she now lives with. My son and girlfriend were very young and rushed into living together and having a baby, against our advice, when they first got together. When they decided to part, he was very low with nowhere to go, we felt we had no alternative than to have him back home for a while. He is without doubt, my most difficult child, he was an awful teenager and we have had to help him financially and emotionally almost constantly. My other one is so easy there's almost no comparison. He gave us many assurances about not impacting on our lives and to be fair he crept out very quietly to go to work before we got up and the same again if he came in late. Having said that he's pretty disorganised and chaotic when it came to having our very young grandchildren stay over a couple of nights during the week, mainly week-ends. We live in a 3 storey house and he managed to leave their bits and pieces all over the place on all 3 floors. If it happened to be a school day for the older one, it was hell, in the end I took over, got her dressed, did hair, breakfast had her ready, we also looked after the baby as he was then so she all my son had to do was drive granddaugher to school a couple of miles away. I think the one of the things that impacted on the peace and tranquility of our household was my son's constant phone use, phone conversations that we could hear all over the house, some of them social, some rows with ex partner. We own a 2 bedroomed flat and as a tenancy was coming to end my son badgered me to let him move in there with a friend, in the end we agreed to that. Almost as soon as he moved in, he started a relationship with his now partner, and spent a handful of nights in the flat in the six months his was there. He now lives with new girlfriend, and I thank God he is much happier with her than with the previous partner, who we have managed to maitain a reasonable relationship with for the sake of the grandchildrenl

I know how you feel being between a rock and a hard place, you need to speak to your partner, I completely understand your reluctance you are not being unreasonable. I hope you manage to sort it out flowers

Bathsheba Wed 31-Jan-18 08:53:08

In my opinion when you have children its not time limited ..they are yours for life
My thoughts entirely paddyann. If my children needed to move back home, the door would always be open for them. They know that. It mightn't be easy, or always comfortable and harmonious, but there is no way I could turn them away if they needed me and I was in a position to help.

Anniebach Wed 31-Jan-18 09:02:00

I cannot express how I would feel if my daughter was still alive and wanted to live with me .

Willow500 Wed 31-Jan-18 09:12:09

I think you definitely need to set rules and make sure she knows the boundaries - particularly if your partner is not her father as he may find it more difficult to adapt to a small child in the house. Much as we love our children and their offspring sometimes the practicalities of life get in the way. Who will childmind your GS when he comes home from school, who will do the cleaning and cooking for them both and all the washing? My family arrived in Dec for a much awaiting 6 week visit from NZ - my husband had been planning all the things we would do with the little ones (4 & 2) for months. Sadly nothing turned out how we had envisaged it - it was wonderful having them here but the mess and chaos was very difficult to cope with. They never unpacked even though drawers and a wardrobe were empty, meal times were constant from 6 am to lunchtime then it was tea time, the only meal we all ate together was Christmas dinner, they left everything where they put it down and we were constantly washing up and the car they were using was in the same mess. That said I obviously cried buckets when they left but there was something to be said for the house being clean and tidy (I'm not a clean freak) and being able to watch normal tv not constant Papa Pig and Paw Patrol grin. If you both think you can cope with it all then it will be great fun for your GS and a big help to his mum. The other alternative is to rent a small flat for them nearby where you can help out more.

Grandma70s Wed 31-Jan-18 09:31:49

If it were me, I certainly wouldn’t say no, but I would dread it all the same. I’m used to peace and quiet, and my own space. I don’t even like sharing a bathroom any more.

Teetime Wed 31-Jan-18 09:34:15

I couldn't say no to my daughter and she can be very messy and chaotic but i would love her to come and live with us - DH would be a different matter!

Menopaws Wed 31-Jan-18 09:58:45

If I had a big house I would say yes under strict rules and timeframe but my travelling son comes back every now and then and it's harda

Menopaws Wed 31-Jan-18 10:01:00

Sorry, hard to adjust although this last time he has matured and does his own washing cooking etc so that's nice but I like just us tbh

TerriBull Wed 31-Jan-18 10:01:56

Willow500 Peppa Pig, Paw Patrol and Stick Man as well for our gs, not to mention the mess and chaos and things remaining in bags, not unpacked grin yes it all resonates. My husband, in his words, "has a load of pink nonsense on his IPad" that he can't seem to get rid of since gd got hold of that.