To feel left out?

Enjoy your day off . That's really sad, hope you were treated. It all about what things look like these days, it's gone too far.

there's no "should" about weddings*Yogagirl*.It's different times from when we married and our parents made most of the decisions.Nowadays brides dont want or take advice aboout ANYTHING.They do things their way...and why shouldn't they? We always said weddings were about two familes getting together to celebrate a new beginning...thats not the case anymore.Often there are 3 or 4 sets of "parents"Some who wont talk to each other so photographs are a minefield .A lot of couples aren't THAT young with average brides being over 30,whereas when we started in this business it wasn't unusual to see brides of 16 ...one who left school on the Friday and got married on the Saturday. So they know what they want and have the confidence to do it their way No one should feel left out ...its the couples day and it has to be how they want it and if you're invited to share the day thats all you can expect.

You may have guessed, it's my day off today

Poor Janie I had this with my sister's wedding. I had travelled all the way back to UK from South Africa to be her bridesmaid, only to be told I was now too fat, so wouldn't be one [I was 7mnths pregnant]. On the morning, all the bridesmaids, my mum & dad, were all in the garden having their pictures taken, I wasn't asked to be in any As the photograph was packing up, I asked if I could have a picture taken with the bride and he said who are you!

The pictures outside of the church, only his side were in, my sis.i.l [brothers wife] on seeing the photographer packing his stuff into the boot of his car, said there's been none of us! I said don't bother but he came back and took a few. I wasn't on the top table, but all her friends were, I felt very left out, sited near the end of the long trellis table next to great aunty Lillian

I think the grooms sister/s should be bridesmaids

Bit long, sorry

My eldest daughter got married two November's ago, so just over a year. She had five friends and her sister-in-law as bridesmaids. Her little daughter, about 18mnths old, was flower girl. I went with my daughter to chose her wedding dress, along with her friends that were to be bridesmaids, luckily she bought from the first shop, a really stunning gown.

I was at my daughter's house, to help her get ready, along with the bridesmaids. Bridesmaids, groom's mum & I, all travelled in the stretch Limo together to the church, drinking champagne, all this I bought as a wedding gift, my daughter was looking forward to travelling with us, but her now husband surprised her with a beautiful special Rolls Royce, so she travelled to the church with her granddad and after of course to the reception with her new husband.
I didn't have any special duties to do in the wedding ceremony and did feel a little left out, but than, during the ceremony I was handed the sleeping flower-girl
My daughter's sister.i.l announced she is getting married this year, but my daughter wasn't asked to be bridesmaid and after a few months delay, her daughter was asked to be flower-girl.

I think I did feel a little left out of my eldest daughters wedding, because with my youngest daughter, I walked her down the Isle, we travelled to the church together in the Rolls Royce, and I said the 'father of the bridge' speech!
Just my daughter & I went wedding dress shopping, plus her two babies She had her & her groom's sister as bridesmaids. I paid for the wedding reception, with some input from grooms side & my D's granddad., and I paid for the RR. Such a rosy picture, but only a matter of months after this lovely wedding, I & my other D were cut out of their lives {sad] not seen them for 5yrs+ now

Happygran I would speak to your Son and mention how you feel, without any fuss, maybe they don't realise you and his sister feel left out.

PamelaJ many a decision these days is taken with the photos in mind.

Some couples decide to pay for the wedding so they can have complete control, especially of the guest list. That doesn't necessarily mean that offers of help (particularly financial) will be turned down, but the couple will make the decisions.

Another thing that's becoming more and more common is the parents on one or both sides are told that they can only invite a specific number of guests. Gone are the days when parents can take it for granted that they can invite some their friends to share their proud day. Often parents are the ones who end up making the hard decision which family members should be invited and of course, they're the ones who have to deal with the fall out and make the excuses explanations.

Sometimes it's down to who is paying for the big day.

Going through same at the moment we only allowed very close family haven't been asked about invites so at mo only 15 our side Inc groom out of 60 guests. I have sat back and not interfered but omg it's hard not to say something. They have told people they are getting invites but now not inviting which I find very bad and is causing some uncomfortable situations. I will probably be accused of not making an effort but am getting to point where Imy thinking I can't be arsed and think a holiday seems like an idea

Sorry to hear you are feeling left out Happygran. But I think it is completely normal for the bride to take only her mother/sister etc to choose the wedding dress, and for the bridesmaids to be chosen from only the bride's side.

Weddings are terribly expensive nowadays; I have heard of one wedding where the grooms parents offered to buy all the champagne for the reception, an offer gratefully accepted by the bride and family. I think it might also be traditional for the groom to pay for bridal party flowers - both of these are important symbolic parts of the event, I don't know if offering something like this might help you feel a bit less left out, as well as being generous and magnanimous gestures of goodwill for the event?

Yes at my son’s wedding there were literally 100s of her mum. Her with her mum, both of them with her mum, bridesmaids with her mum, everyone with her mum, her mum on her own, etc. There were about three of me.

Being mum to boys is really hard, being a MiL is my least favourite thing in life, even with a pretty good relationship with my DiLs. My first sons wedding was pretty much her family’s thing, but I was involved, the worst thing was after the whole thing was over and the professional photos were shared online. There were literally hundreds of her family and, apart from my son, virtually none of us! Our elderly dog made a brief appearance at the reception and I swear she appears in more pics than me!

Outtawork That must have been so sad for you.

If you have a good relationship with future daughter in law, why not just do a bright and breezy text to say how excited you are at upcoming wedding and that you are ready, willing and able to help in any way you can? Also, say the same to son. Then ball is in their court. If they don’t take you up on it, smack on your happiest smile on the day and wish them lots of blessings. And thank your lucky stars he’s found someone he loves and wants to share his life with!

I don't think it's unreasonable to feel left out, no. I can understand your feeling hurt though.

I tried very hard to involve my husband's family when planning a wedding, but they were just not interested. It was very different when his sister was getting married - they were all over it.

I took it to be because it's always thought of being "the bride's day" and so the groom and his family are almost "accessories".

I wouldn't take it personally. I think it's natural for a girl who has a good relationship with her family, to want them to be more involved in the planning of it. I doubt any there is any intentional slight

Ouch Happygran 1964, I haven't even started reading other people's messages because I have to say, of course you feel hurt! I feel hurt for you! You are entitled to your feelings and they are perfectly reasonable. I'm sure future mum-in-law has no idea she is cutting you out and is not doing this consciously. Probably they have a girls-together kind of family and just don't realise other people are about to come into focus in their realm. I wish they had included your daughter as a bride's maid. That was a pity. Is it too late to ask your son to have a quiet word with his fiancé and say to her how he's got a role for his brothers but wishes his sister had a special role.... ? I think it is true that the mother of the groom does get less of a look-in with the arrangements, and I do feel very upset for you. Don't let it spoil the happiness of the wedding and try and keep cool around the bride's family, I'm sure they aren't doing this deliberately, although I would like someone to tactfully remind them that you should be included!

PamelaJ You may well have hit the nail on the head there!

I thought the Mum as Bridesmaid was a little unusual. I was 61 when DD 1 got married. Don't think I could have carried that off - or wanted to

I supplied all the drink for my son's wedding bought a lot of food, rushed around helping with my car, got ready 8-30 am knowing no time later, missed most of the dancing as rescuing food such as hundreds of sausages, driving through a part of London on own up to midnight, I did all the playlist on I pad) and...there was time for the brides big family to all group together and take photos but not include ours as we all busy scurrying around! Quite funny in some ways and while I understand how and why -one does notice these things!

When my son got married recently, it was all about her side of the family. Her mum, dad and aunties were all involved in the run up and her nieces and nephews were pageboys and bridesmaids. Our side of the family didn't get a look in, even though my seven year old granddaughter was desperate to be a bridesmaid.

Even at the reception we were slightly sidelined. I cried after the wedding but then gave myself a good shake and kept busy with as many nice things as I could.

I honestly don't think these daughter-in-laws mean anything by their actions, it just never occurs to them to involve us. My son just wanted her to be happy and he was pretty much an onlooker as well.

This all sounds so familiar to me, we felt the same when our son got married last year.
However, it all went swimmingly on the day, everyone is still speaking and getting on with their lives.
Good luck, enjoy the day and leave them all to it?

and I thought that bridesmaids were supposed to be unmarried - hence 'maid'? Otherwise they are known as 'Matron of Honour'.

Same here with all DS's and a daughter who has not had contact for ten years. So no immediate family contact but oldest DGD has reconnected with her children. They are our joy. It's the other DGC I feel sorry for as they only know half their families. Shame.

It is supposed to be a secret, but my MIL didn't let on.
And nor was DM a bridesmaid - I thought that being Mother Of The Bride was one up on Bridesmaid

DD's wedding was happily harmonious, but one thing occurs to me. Isn't it traditional for the wedding dress to be a secret from the groom until she arrives at the altar/registrar's desk?. So wouldn't there be a serious risk of a security leak if the groom's mother was party to the selection proceedings? And I wonder if DD's wedding would have been quite so harmonious if both mothers had been involved in choosing the dress!