To feel left out?

Smile and look happy.
when I got married my mum was lovely
a ambassador for our side of the family.
She went round to all the of t'other side and introduced herself to any she had not met before the wedding and said hello to those she already knew.
I lost count of the people who told told me what a lovely mum I had.
She also had a dance with the groom's father whilst my Dad danced with my mil.

Because of a strict wedding budget I only had one bridesmaid my sister.
I had two little cousins who looked adorable on the photographs as they each gave me horseshoe.
Would your daughter perhaps do something similar at the end of the ceremony

I have sometimes given the Bride a small horseshoe and a wooden spoon tied together with some pretty ribbon.
It usually make people laugh and is good
ice -breaker
Something like that with the bride and groom's name makes a nice keepsake.

for you & your DD

Sorry you feel left out, Happygran, but, imo, Alidoll is right - traditionally, the bride chooses her bridesmaids from her family & friends & the groom, his groomsmen from his. This they have done. Your family isn't being left out, just included according to customs that don't encompass you and dd.

Most brides I know do ask their groom's sister to be a bridesmaid, but they don't "have to." Same with a groom and his bride's brother.

I don't think too many brides consider including their fmil in the planning. I advised my dd to include hers in a few preparations when she was getting married, and she did. But I've only known a few brides who did. If ds is handling anything (hiring the band or choosing the liquor) maybe he'll seek your opinion.

Have you offered to pay any of the traditional expenses that the groom's parents traditionally pay? That MIGHT make a difference, but not necessarily.

As others have said, please just focus on enjoying the wedding. Congratulations to all!

When my son got married I had no idea what the wedding plans were. I just turned up on the day. My DIL’s family enjoyed all the planning and put on a wonderful event. Luckily there were no bridesmaids so no resentment there. On the other hand when my daughter got married, the grooms parents chose the venue, menu and booked and paid for it without telling me. It was the last place I wanted for my daughter’s wedding as I went there every week for a meeting with a meal and the food was terrible. I was rudely told that I could sort out the flowers, dresses and photographer. My daughter was happy to let his family have what they wanted. I think it was because she was a single mum of a severely disabled child and was so happy that someone wanted to marry her. My son is still happily married whereas my daughter’s marriage lasted five years. She’s now a single parent with twins as well as her son. All I can advise, like others, is to go along with the plans, enjoy the day and be glad you don’t have all the stress of wedding planning.

It could be worse Happygran, I was presented with my daughter's wedding dress ' to hem please because you're so good at sewing...' ! She'd gone shopping for it with her aunt & sister, & it never crossed any of their minds that I'd feel left out. I swallowed my hurt, kept my mouth shut & sewed the ** hem, (3 layers, grrr), knowing she'd just got caught up in the excitement of it all. My role was not to lay on a guilt trip, however tempting! At my own wedding my future MIL kindly offered to pay for the flowers. It hadn't occurred to me that she would want to be financially involved, so it was a good nudge to remember her part of the day, & we have always been very close. Sometimes we just have to keep quiet & smile! Enjoy the day, weddings are wonderful days & seem quite unimportant when they're over.

It is understandable that you are feeling a bit hurt but it is not an unexpected scenario. Your son has chosen his brothers and his fiancé has chosen members of her family to be part of the bridal party. This is all pretty normal. You just can't find a role for everyone in the family. MOB as bridesmaid may be a little unusual but it's their day and I'm sure there are special reasons for that decision.
Look gorgeous, enjoy the wedding, be gracious to all and sundry and most of all be happy for your son and his fiancé.
As the old saying goes "A daughters a daughter all her life, a son's a son till he takes a wife."

Well at least she’s a lovely girl. My dil had 9 bridesmaids all from her side I was not included in anything, but because she is not such a lovely girl I didn’t expect to be. I just stumped up over a £1000 for the photographer who I also had no decision over and was awful. Her dress was lovely, the venue was dreadful. my daughter family and I just had to bite our lips and bear with. So you are not alone. My dil loved it it was her dream and for that I am happy.
And mother as bridesmaid good grief. I’ve had friends who, as mothers have given their daughters away, given speeches at weddings but bridesmaids!!! in a symbolic ceremony it disempowers the mother’s authority don’t you think?

Offer to buy some key item as your wedding present - depending on your budget -maybe the rings? I bought the wedding bands for the 2 DC and their partners who have got married, Im lucky enough to have a friend who makes bespoke jewellery so they designed their own- and I footed the bill, they will wear these every day for years to come , so an important input. If not rings, maybe offer to buy the flowers ? You might then get invited to be a bit more involved. Other than that, just go with the flow as others have said.

Sulis, I'm so sorry! Perhaps you need to stop helping out so much? But I know you fear you won't see them at all then. Only you can decide what means the most to you.

TBF, money doesn't = family membership. But, hopefully, ds & dil have expressed gratitude. How do you know you're "not considered family by" dil?

Also, they may think that you "don't need" to see them on Xmas or your birthday because you get to spend time with their kids 2-3 times a week. Maybe they feel they need to bond as a family unit on Xmas or give that time to her mum, etc.?

2 of my DIL’s didn’t include me, one of whom deliberately left our side of the family out in a very pointed way. It didn’t upset me but my daughters were incensed on my behalf. Whilst that was comforting in a way, the fallout wasn’t worth it. My other DIL included me in everything so I ran round like a blue tailed fly sorting out what SHE wanted until her mother countermanded everything, at a distance. Even the wedding dress my DIL had chosen was dismissed and they ended up buying one she didn’t really want so I had to redo all the beading before the big day. I love DIL to bits so it wasn’t a big hardship but I was exhausted by the big day ?

As the mother of sons I've been through this and I know how you feel. But I also know that saying anything will not get you anywhere and also will give an unfortunate first impression.
We have to learn to zip it (not always easy) and smile.
It will probably be fine in time. I have a lovely relationship with my daughters-in-law these days.

sulis

Two words spring to mind.
Mug and doormat.
IMO, you are trying to buy affection and acceptance. It doesn't work.
I must say that, if you can afford to hand over such large sums as gifts, then you are indeed fortunate but you will be used as a money tree in fact, you ARE being used.
Maybe it's time to practice the word NO.

This is SO difficult. When my DD got married (just a very small wedding) she did not particularly like her mother-in-law and I felt that sometimes she was being left out so I tried to encourage my DD to include her. The MIL 'had a go' at me on the phone several times, although my DD and SIL made all the decisons, we just paid. The in-laws didn't offer anything towards the cost but I did my best to include them. On the day, their whole family sat in a corner and didn't speak to anyone or join in, but accepted freed drinks vouchers from us! They didn't speak to, or contact their son or my DD for weeks after. When DD and SIL eventually went round to ask them what was going on, there was big row and they accused my DD and our family of all sorts. This was a long time ago now and my DD gets on with her in-laws now, all is forgiven (they should think themselves lucky). They didn't speak to use for about 10 years and it was very difficult when we had a grandchild. Things are better now. My advice is, although it is hurtful and I would feel the same, say nothing and try to enjoy the day.

Ooh, I've never mentioned the dress, (& 3 hems), to anyone & it felt good!

Well if she thinks it's OK to have her mum as bridesmaid then that says it all! Let them get on with it and wish them well. You are not being unreasonable, but you are not going to change things and the last thing you want is to come across as jealous. They are being thoughtless, but weddings do get a life of of their own, maintaining a good relationship with your soon to be DiL and family is important for your happy ever after.

Years ago, I read a brilliant piece of advice for anyone in your position. It was: Turn up on time, dressed appropriately, say how lovely the bride looks, say how lovely the venue is, how lovely the flowers are, how lovely the food and drink are, how lovely the music is - smiling all the time - and then you can go home, kick off your shoes and say, 'Did you see those people...!!!'
I've used this to good effect over the years...

It's far more stressful when you're a fully-involved bride's mum. Went through it 4 years ago and am currently doing it again.
Although I'm happy to be doing most of the planning this time, I did find it more relaxing to be groom's mum 2 years ago!

DiL kept me informed about plans and I did step in to help when/if needed. She had 2 close school/uni friends plus her 2 sisters as bridesmaids while DS had his closest friends as his supporters. Her mum was organising the third wedding in 3 years and did an excellent job.

I do find it odd that bride's mum is also a bridesmaid - never heard of that!
If you have a biggish family, there can't be a role for everyone and like it or lump it, the bride is bound to be closer to her own family and friends. There wasn't a role for all on my side but it really was not a big deal.
Meanwhile your son has chosen his brothers.

Relax and enjoy. A wedding is one day but with luck the marriage is for life.

I thought GabriellaG was being a bit harsh about Sulis, but having read the original post, think she has a point. There must be a limit to what you shell out without any civility!

Happygran1964 - I do sympathise with you. When my son got married my daughter was only asked to be a bridesmaid because the Maid of Honour dropped out. I wasn’t asked to go and look at wedding dresses, bridesmaids dresses, flowers or photographs. The upside was that I just went to the wedding as a guest and could relax and enjoy myself. When people asked about the colour scheme or the menu I just said ‘I know nothing’. Life is too short - the younger generation don’t always do what we would like. It’s not worth making a fuss. Being a mother in law is the toughest job there is and the first rule is to go with the flow

Sorry, not read the whole thread, usually do before commenting.

I think you just have to accept it, it is the way of things. I will give you some of what happened to me so that you can prepare yourself in case such things happen to you.

1. We contributed towards the cost DiL's family did not.
2. We helped with all the arrangements because DiL's family live in another country.
3. I had to take photos of the outfits I was considering and send them for approval.
4. DiL's family arrived and started changing things.
5. We had to sit by them in the church, rather than having a grooms side and a bride's side.
6. One of them told DS's Godparents to move further back from where they were sitting in church. DS moved them back!
7. The best hotel rooms should have been for family but we were put in a small attic room and DiL's family friends had the best rooms.
8. Dil's mum and brother bossed the photographer around to an embarrassing extent.

And much more!

Now for the good bit - we had a great time, the Best Men's speaches were excellent and all their friends enjoyed it. Their friends gave us much more time and attention that DiL's family and said very complimentary things to us.

Now, a few years later I still get on very well with DiL, we are really good friends and I still find her parents difficult but do succeed in not letting it show. A wedding is only one day, the rest of your relationship is more important.

HappyGran1964 I think that's normal. The bride chooses her close female friends and relatives to be her attendants and the groom chooses his close male friends and relatives to be his. It's completely normal that your daughter and her children would not figure in this.

You made me laugh aloud pensionpat! I do think it's probably true though. Thanks for the giggle.

My DD and then future DIL became good friends but DD wasn’t given any role in the wedding, and nor was I. My son’s fiancée chose friends she had known since school and quite right too. Neither DD nor I thought anything of it. It’s the bride’s day. I enjoyed the wedding, proud as punch of my handsome DS and 10 years on am still very fond of my DIL.

Rise above. Bride's side traditionally shoulders all the work which means if things go wrong it's down to them :-)
Enjoy the day. Get rather drunk and laugh a lot. If your daughter is anything like my daughters, she's probably deeply relieved to be able to wear an outfit she's chosen herself instead of a bridesmaid dress.
As for choosing wedding dresses - would you have asked your MIL along? Honestly?

My only son’s wedding was an unannounced surprise. Make the most of what you can join in with.

For everyone complaining about their sons/ daughters wedding, at least you were invited. the first l knew about my son getting married, one of his friends l saw by chance said they were sorry not to see me at my sons wedding.