To feel left out?

My Dil when asked what time was the wedding said 'dunno' I didn't ask anymore questions after that. The other did ask me once to go with her to look for wedding dress. No other involvement, on the day no corsage, or favour at my place setting. My boys are happy and settled, my job done. I made a life for myself with new hobbies and a new man! Life is good

Don't get drunk and laugh a lot!! You will never live it down.

I did take my MIL with me to buy my wedding dress; she lived near me and DM was hundreds of miles away, and DMIL got me a discount too.

Sorry to hear you,re feeling disappointed and a bit left out. Never have heard of a brides mother being a bridesmaid though. Traditionally according to wedding etiquette the bride's mother should be the very last person to take her seat just before the bride and father walk down the isle. It is the bride's prerogative to choose her own bridesmaids and likewise the groom to choose his best man and ushers. (Still have the book of Wedding Etiquette we bought years ago when our daughter married ...in an attempt to not upset anyone.) A lot of these traditions seem old fashioned now, and people tend to do their own thing these days. I think I would not worry too much about this, go along with their plans and enjoy yourselves at the wedding. Let your son know you,re happy for him, then look forwards to the day.

Is there any reeason why your son cannot choose his sister as an usher? My son did that and it worked well. Shes not a very girly girl and the couple thought she wouldn't want to be a bridesmaid. Son's inlaws made all the decisions but kept us informed and we made a financial contribution. The wedding was local to them. Likewise our daughters wedding was local to us and we did a lot of the planning (with daughter) but kept MiL informed. She made a contribution. We did try to ensure both sides of the fsmiky were represented though. I didnt get to choose the dress for either - DD went with a friend to choose it!

my daughter did a reading at her brother's ceremony as she had no formal role. In her case though it was because she lives about 300 miles away

Hard isn't it! I am a laid back MIL. There is odd occasions I feel a bit disgruntled/tearful. Our eldest knows when I am. He knows as they knows it is not me to interfere.

When they married I told DiL and her Mom that I knew they would want to do the wedding together and if they wanted me to do anything just to ask otherwise my nose was out and I would focus on my outfit, which I did.

I was asked to do a reading at the service and to lead prayers at the reception which I was happy to do.

My outfit took up time as I spent many a happy hour on www making my board on pinterest, selecting and putting together many outfits until I got the right one and I could go and get it all.

When their first baby was born her parents were first at the hospital (expected) we were supposed to go next and suddenly her 2 brothers turned up with there partners which wasn't arranged. They had decided just to turn up without asking. I was upset and our eldest furious.

I handled it and there were words said by my eldest to his BiL's. Its hard however hands off and laidback you are being the mother of the son side

Is it surprisng that his fiancee is turning to her mum for things? When my DD got married her future mil asked if she could come dress shopping but DD said no. We weren't hugely involved in the planning (apart from the funding) as the happy couple did all of that themselves as they knew what they wanted. It is after all their day, something that often seems to get forgotten when other family members want to put their two pennyworth in!

Happygran - you obviously like your future dil as you describe her as a lovely girl, so why not be more proactive and get to know her mother rather better? Invite her mother to go out somewhere for afternoon tea just the two of you, spend the time talking about your relative families and how exciting it is in the build up to the wedding - this might be the opportunity. I only have one daughter and when she became engaged to a person we were very happy to welcome into our family, we made a conscious effort to create an extended family even though his parents were in a different county. By the time the wedding plans were being made we were all friends and I was communicating with my daughter's future mil on my own account - we went out as a foursome to listen to bands for the reception (on behalf of the bridge and groom who both worked and lived 250 miles away), and as the marriage and reception were taking place in my home city, I made sure that my future son-in-law's mum was invited - we soon became friends, we have had weekends away together and even holidayed together without out respective children. So my advice is to try to build a relationship with the bride's mum and the rest will follow I'm sure.

TBH I do think your side should be included more. Both my DiLs made sure I was just as involved as their own Mums & I never asked to be- it is just good manners. I have a very good relationship with them both & their families & I think it came from us all being included in the preparations before the wedding. To be fair I HAD to be included in a lot of it as I was a cake decorator running my own business making mostly wedding cakes so it was a no brainer that I would provide a pretty special free cake.
Maybe a quiet word with your son to see how he feels about it.

Apart from the mum being a bridesmaid, the rest is traditional and as others have said, be relieved that you have no responsibilities and just enjoy it.
At my son’s wedding it was similar. Her family went totally OTT with everything, but at least I wasnt paying. Her family still dominate their arrangements, and they spend every Christmas together, I have never been invited on Christmas Day. At least I am glad that their marriage is still intact and the in laws are lovely people.

Polly I like the idea of the sister being an usher.

Magrithia I don't think anyone is saying they're surprised the bride is planning the wedding with her mother. It's still quite traditional, although couples often choose what they want to do for themselves a lot now. If a couple are living together I think they're less likely to follow the traditional wedding etiquette and sometimes that's because they want to make the decisions alone. To some extent too hthese days it often comes down to who is paying for the wedding. I wonder if the MiL was hurt by the bride's refusal? It's much more common these days to involve the mother of the groom and other females in choosing the dress, making it a bit of a special outing. Each bride is different though.

Apologies Magrithea for misspelling your name.

Alidoll is correct, tradition has the bride choosing bridesmaids, MofH, flowers and groom choosing best man and ushers. Having said that I asked my soon to be MiL of she would like to help me choose my dress as she had no daughters and only 2 sons. She hugged me and cried when i asked her she was so happy. For bridesmaids I had my ds from 1st marriage, my niece and asked my future husband's favourite neice. My husband chose a friend as best man, his brother and my son from 1st marriage as ushers and I had youngest son from first marriage as page boy/ring bearer. My Mum did not mind my MiL choosing dress with me as she had all daughters she had done it several times before and when I asked if she minded she thought it would help my relationship with my future MiL. I was just happy my husbands patents accepted my children and treated them like grandchildren. We have always got on well and I think the dress helped as I know she told all her friends her son had chosen well. Don't be upset I can only imagine her Mum will look odd dressed as a bridesmaid. Buy a very expensive and glamorous outfit, shoes, bag and coat and have the full works: Manicure, pedicure, professional make up and hair do.

On the other side of the fence, I was offering to buy my daughter's entire wedding attire so I expected it to be just an intimate affair between the two of us when out trying stuff on although I wouldn't have minded if she had asked her sister to come along. I paid for her bridesmaid outfit too. I don't think her M-in-L would have even considered she would be involved in this aspect although she lives some distance away so it would have been impractical anyway as we used to just pop out to the shops after work.

A good friend of the bride wanted to buy the veil so I didn't get my wish to buy the whole outfit in the end but I let that go as she was very keen to make that special contribution and I paid for other stuff instead like the cake top decoration (hand modelled on the bridal pair and dog- who also attended the wedding) and also the string quartet.

I think mother in laws usually just have to accept that weddings are a special time for the bride and her mother and siblings where clothes are concerned. Why don't you ask you son if you can get involved in something else like fitting of all the grooms men's outfits, paying for invitation designs etc. so you can have some involvement. This is one reason why I can never understand why women are so keen to have sons. I wanted two girls and was very lucky to get two girls and am very close to them.

"When their first baby was born her parents were first at the hospital (expected) we were supposed to go next and suddenly her 2 brothers turned up with there partners which wasn't arranged. They had decided just to turn up without asking. I was upset and our eldest furious."

I am struggling to understand why anyone would be upset by this. What is the problem?

Hi Goldenage.

We have a great relationship with our future dil's mum and step-dad, in fact we often all go out on days out together that's why I think it's a little odd that we are being left out as our two families really get on.

When my son got married we had no input at all about any of the wedding and were quite restricted in who was invited from our side of the family. Apart from my mum, one auntie and my sister and her family that was it from our side of the family. Have to say it did not bother me in the least as they were paying for the wedding. I was allowed to invite some of my friends for the evening reception and was fine with that too.

Our DIL had her sister as MOH and her bridesmaids and page boy were all her cousins and I felt that was quite right and at no point felt that I was being left out of anything.

Mercedes 55

I am glad you were able to not feel upset.

It all sounds very traditional really, the MOBridegroom never did have a role really and it is quite modern for them to expect one, after all they weren't landed with the bill. As others have said buy a fabulous outfit and smile, I certainly wouldn't want to be the Bride's mum as a bridesmaid! You could mention to your son that his sister would like to do a reading, you can only try.

Why is her mother being a bridesmaid? That seems a bit weird to me. Personally I don't much like weddings (I know!) so I'd be quite happy to stay in the background.

Her mum a bridesmaid, oh come on how ridiculous. Mother of the Bride has an important role to play, how can she do that being a bridesmaid. It would have been nice if a role for your DD, bridegrooms sister could be offered, she could have been the third bridesmaid. Have a lovely day and don't wear beige

When my son got married, both the brides brothers were included. One gave her away, the other, an Usher. Flowers were ordered for all of the brides family, even her aunt (and my then husband and me). All of the brides close family were on the top table, as were my ex and me, but my daughters were on other tables, not a role, or a flower between them. I told my son that I felt they should be at least included in the flowers (a couple of weeks before the wedding). He took offence. I wish I had been a gransnetter then, and I could have come on here and been supported, and warned to keep my mouth shut instead.

Isn't it all complicated?!
Its one of those times I'm quite glad I have no close family.
As a side note, surely anyone can fulfil any role they want to? Weddings are much less formal than they used to be, I presume?

Happygran1964 I'm the kind of person that gets upset at the drop of a hat, but I had always assumed a wedding was all about the bride and didn't really have any expectations as mother of the groom.
I was just happy that I was able to share their day and I have to say it was a beautiful day

A male relative got married recently. His sisters weren’t asked to be bridesmaids, only the brides sister.
His sisters are really attractive. Just saying?