grandaughter pushed too hard

Doglady1, ?, know how hard it is. Please don't go stressing any more. She is sofa surfing, that won't last anytime at all. Text her saying you you will always love and and be there when she wants to talk, will meet on neutral ground, things cannot go back to how they were for the sake of granddad, he is not well and you are so worried about him, she is always on your mind will she please let you know she is ok. Then concentrate on you and your husband. You cannot be emotionally blackmailed to being a dogsbody, how would you feel if anything happened to your husband because of the stress? She has two parent still. I would let them both know your concern, then the ball is in their court,nyou did all you could and more.

doglady! I see she has moved out and you must now be wondering where it will all go from here. I think the meeting in a pub idea would be a great one. Not necessarily a pub but maybe you could text and say you'd like to take her for a meal or coffee sometime. I think your DS should be doing the same sort of thing and should keep doing it no matter how many times she rejects him.
If children are horrible, difficult and damaged they need us to behave like adults more than ever. So dust yourself down, put her bad behaviour behind you (that isn't forgetting it, just choosing to focus on something different) and try to build something new with her. It probably won't be easy and I'm not suggesting you take her back just keep the lines of communication open and you may find one day she will appreciate you and behave better. She may even become a valuable help.

I think if she carries on like this her friends will soon tire of her and stop letting her sleep on their sofas. She will eventually realise what you offered her. I would leave her to get on with her life and concentrate on you and dh. I would alert both your ds and dil in case they are in position to offer her support. If personal hygiene a problem she will lose her job.

So you have asked her to leave or told her? And has she moved out? I suspect not.
Perhaps meeting in a pub or cafe is a good idea and perhaps drawing up a contract that specifies a small contribution to expenses and basic standards of behaviour. Then it will be her choice. Then perhaps a yellow card system to give her warnings.
Are drugs and alcohol involved? Probably. Perhaps you could talk to your doctor about this.
I really feel for you and your husband and wish you all the best.

I have not had a situation as fraught as this but if things arose with my children before they left home we would decamp to the pub or some other neutral ground. It then became 3 adults talking rather than child and grand/parents as it as in the home.

Beforehand ask her to make a list or think of the things she wants/does not want. You make a similar list and you go and negotiate. A calm discussion about where she would live if she had to move might bring home to her the reality of her situation - and of course she must pay, if only a token amount.

If that does not work (it won't in the long term) back to the pub to re-affirm any agreement. Praise any tiny thing she has done right! Concentrate on your own situation - "I could not sleep" rather than "You made a noise."

Good luck!

Please let us know how things work out for you. I think some posters are harsh criticising. It is so hard with teenagers to get it right. You have loved her. That is the most important thing. Take one day at a time and if she suggests moving back in say you need a day or two to talk it over with your DH. Let her know that any answ ers you give are well considered and thought about. Wishing you all the best.

Doglady- a P.S. I recommend keeping discussion with this girl at a minimum. Use the "broken record" technique, of repeating in an unemotional flat tone the simple facts you are presenting to her, such as; "I am giving you one month's notice to leave because you have not done as I asked. You now have to leave before (date)." Put it in writing as well. Just repeat the last sentence, don't get into an argument about any details. Wishing you lots of peace and happiness with your DH.

Dear Doglady1 (I have dogs and am known as the crazy dog lady). I'm so very sorry to hear of your terrible problems. Your poor DS clearly did not know his ex was mentally unstable but this is the foundation of the longstanding problems for you. Your responsibility is to your husband. You have done what you can for your granddaughter. At 18 she is an adult. Her mental problems will not go away over night. You could try giving her ground rules as some have suggested, but I venture to say this will not work. She is like her mother, sadly. You are not unreasonable to tell her to go. Asking her to leave is within your rights. Children leave home at 18 anyway. You must put your husband first. Do not say to him you are asking her to go for his sake for this would make him feel guilty. As retired people we should live our lives peacefully. I am a widow and though it sounds harsh, I want to urge you to make the most of the years you and your DH have together. This girl is beyond your help, she is not your responsibility. You did what you could. You are good, loving and kind. Now turn your sole attention to your husband and yourself.

Here we go again, people complaining about others' behaviour which they have allowed to happen and put up for years and then they wonder why there has been no change!!! At the beginning, terms and conditions should have been set and adhered to- help round the house, common courtesy towards the hosts, paying their way when able, suitable gratitude for your help etc. It looks like this never happened.

Your granddaughter has turned into her mother, a user with a bad attitude and you did nothing to stop it. Now her latest comments have gone too far and there has to be consequences. Give her a month's notice and make sure you mean it and tell her she's out of the will too until her attitude changes big time as your generously has run out because she has abused it.

Yo

I think you have done the best thing by asking her to leave. You should now be putting your husband,s health and your own peace of mind first. She has a mum and a dad to go to if she needs, they should be her first ports of call. I certainly would not give her any money as she needs to learn how to manage her own earnings sensibly, the more you give her the less effort she will make. Good Luck.

Yes, Doglady tough love is really hard but you've had to do this for your own sanity and for your husbands wellbeing. You've obviously tried very hard over quite a long time to provide a home for your granddaughter and have pretty much tried all the strategies suggested.

Be kind to yourself, keep up the texts so your gd knows you care for her and that the door remains open, perhaps for a visit or a meal sometimes. Living with you is unlikely to work until she does a lot of growing up and that may take some years. Give yourself a big pat on the back for trying so hard. Look after yourself and your husband. ?

If you let GD continue as she is it will make you both ill. Lay your cards on the table and make ground rules Hard as it may seem to you and after what she experienced when living with her mother she is not a child and now a responsible adult. I suggest getting in contact with her father. After all he is your son and the one most likely to listen to you as DIL leaves a lot to be desired when it comes to parenting. If you and DH become ill will GD look after you ?Highly unlikely.So DS first, regardless whether GD still has contact with him. Then take it from there.

Tell her to leave and change all the locks. Then concentrate on your own life with your husband. Have a holiday and some much needed relaxation and let her get on with it.

Let her back into your life ( but not living with you) when she has shown she can grow up and take responsibility.

Doglady1 ....google Will Smith’s video on “Fault versus Responsibility” and if you know how to do it then send her the link. He is still seen as “cool” (I think!!) and he makes some very interesting points that might just resonate with her. What he’s saying basically is that no matter who you perceive to be at fault for your upbringing/childhood/education/broken heart it is your own responsibility to deal with it as an adult and take responsibility for who you will be in the future. I get that you have spoilt her and she’s taken advantage, (human nature?) but it’s now time for real life as an adult.

Bluebelle, I don't think she is just a selfish little ingrate but putting up with her behaviour won't help either. It has to be a balance of support and gentle but firm discipline. Above all, you have to try to keep the lines of communication hope. Regular text messages to tell her that you still love her and hope you can find some way forward but respecting her right to put some distance between you whilst she is angry. She sounds like she has been badly damaged by her childhood and finding it difficult to adjust. She is only 18 and obviously emotionally immature, she needs all the help she can get but you might just have to wait to give it.

I also agree with everything that Bluebell has said.
You can see the woman in the girl and what she has endured so she does have to be treated with both sympathy and firmness.

You have no option but to ask her to leave. Her behaviour is actually dangerous to your husband.
She may be testing you as she may feel that no one cares about her but you have shown over and over that you do and she has to find a way to cope with her problems.
She may or may not learn but she does not want to learn from you and so I cannot see what else you can do.
It would be interesting to know if she behaves the same way at work. I have had employees like this. They think that the fact that they do something should be treated with gratitude and that pointing out the fact that they have done it wrongly or not well enough is an affront. Sometimes it is just lack of confidence but being too patient or tolerant can make it worse.
I hope she leaves without too much unpleasantness.
It is sad because her upbringing has been unhappy and she is going through a transitional phase. If it weren't for your husband's health, it might be worth trying other techniques but I don't think that you have the time to do that as it has to stop now if she is to stay.

I fully agree with BlueBell , it is a fact that children are damaged by acrimonious divorces, the O/P shows much dislike of this child's mother , she has left her mother but this doesn't mean she has stopped loving her mother

Absolutely no excuse for behaving in that way despite your reminders and the remarks re your DH are dreadful even though said in anger. Tell her she has to leave and give her a week to arrange somewhere else to live, tell her after the week is up you will pack her bags yourself and put them outside. She can always go back to your dil or ds if she hasn't got anywhere else. you need to look after yourself and dh

Help her to find a flat and try and part on good terms. Firmly say that her behaviour is affecting your hubbies health and that although you care about her she needs her own space as her behaviour will not change. Keep in touch but don't let her rule your life.

I agree with BlueBelle’s posts. I also agree that you may be doing her a favour by forcing her to stand on her own two feet - her friends won’t put up with her bad behaviour. You are clearly still worried about your GD Doglady but you have done everything you could and now you must concentrate on DH and yourself. I just want to give you a hug because I can see how worried you are and how this is hurting you. You’ve left the door open - both emotionally and practically - now just try to relax and be good to yourself and DH.

Gosh there’s some hard people on here ‘selfish little ingrate’
Doesn’t anyone think this girl may have a problem I m surprised No one seems to want to look st the other side and why ? Half the adults in the mental health system are there through their childhoods
She may just be a selfish badly behaved teenager but there are two sides to every story and none of us not even her grandparents by the sound of it know what her life has been like to make her personality what it is
Her strippiness most likely comes from fear of being out of control again
She’s gone now so hopefully she ll have more luck with friends and people outside the family dynamics I hope you can keep some kind of line of communication up

Tough love is tough, but it is often necessary if young people are to grow up.

Please, do not feel guilty either about the row with your GD or about her leaving. You have enough to worry about with your husband's poor health, which I am really sorry to hear about. He is, and must be, your first priority now, your own health and well-being comes next, and all the rest of your family as third, IF you have the energy to cope with what sounds like a distressing situation all round.

Is any one of the family members you mention, offering to help you and your DH? No, I didn't think so!

Your GD is legally an adult, she may turn into a responsible one now that you have demonstrated that bad behaviour has unpleasant consequences.

We turfed an adult son out in very similar circumstances and he has since turned into a hard-working, responsible person who we now see regularly again. He has long since acknowledged that he was a right pain in the a**e when we reacted as we did, and that our tough love was helpful, so I hope and trust the same happens with your GD.

doglady, I think if you have messaged her and told her she can come home as long as she abides by the house rules, you have done what you can. You have given her support and told her you will give her more if she tows the line, reiterated your love for her and given her a way back through the door. It really is down to her and maybe she needs to sofa surf until her friends get fed up with her so she has to stop to think about actions and consequences.

She probably fell out with her mum for exactly the same behaviour. I guess she won't learn the behaviour is unacceptable until she learns that no one will accept it. The more tolerant and generous your family, the longer that will take.