grandaughter pushed too hard

Hi guys, thanks for the response. As the post was so long I haven't given every detail.

She has already left, the same evening, is now sofa surfing with family and friends.

I did say after the row that if she wants to follow my house rules (and yes I have already given her the house rules and ignored the room for months. Nonnie NanaandGrampy and Luckygirl) that she can stay, but clearly this is not what she wants to do.

I know that I am very stressed out at the moment with DH being so unwell, maybe that's why I have finally put my foot down.

I have texted her ( she wont answer my call) and told her that I love her and am thinking of her and want her to be safe, but not at my home under these circumstance.

Tough love is tough

I agree with N&G definitely ground rules if you want to give her a second chance doglady. You can put a time limit on it and if things haven't improved after a set time then she needs to move on. Life has not been easy for her but the same can be said for a lot of people who don't behave badly.
My daughters paid a third of their wage for housekeeping, a third to save and the rest was theirs.
Your granddaughter has to learn the hard facts of life and should not treat you this way.

Make a written agreement setting out your ground rules:
- no smoking in the house
- £x contribution to household finances per week
- specified jobs that are hers - e.g. clean bathroom once a week.
- if she forgets her key she is not allowed to wake you - she must find somewhere else to sleep that night
- she must treat you both with respect and good manners
- etc. etc.

Tell her that if she is unwilling to sign up to this, then she has to leave. No ifs, no buts. It is your house and she has to abide by your rules.

Don't discuss this - simply say it is non-negotiable. Don't get into an argument; just present her with it. Take it or leave it. End of.

You will be doing her a favour. She has had n proper boundaries and you are not helping her by colluding in this.

If she leaves, she leaves.

Oh dear. I'm guessing you haven't had an apology for the fracas last week? Thinking back to what I was like at her age, and one of my DDs - seething masses of teenage hormones and entitlement - I can imagine the trouble you are having. You're not her parent, though, and you shouldn't have to put up with it. You don't need the stress, and neither does your DH, and it's not as if she has nowhere else to go. I think she needs to go back to her mum's, or to your DS's.

How sad for you - and her. Not the relationship you want or expect is it?

I appreciate she has had a tough life but I've never been a believer in that being a good enough excuse for bad behaviour and whilst some of what you describe could be any teenager in the country a lot of it isn't.

Do you think , in an effort to make up for her previous issues you have over compensated? For instance you mention she got sky TV, food, money, transport but it seems to be a one way street. So you have set her low expectations as to what's expected of her.

Its going to come as a shock to her but I think you need to quietly lay out the 'rules' and what's expected and then tell her what will happen if she can't or doesn't want to live by these rules. For instance , we took 10% from our girls as keep from their first jobs. They didn't know it but we just saved it and gave it back to them when they moved out. But it taught them that bills have to be paid regardless.

The only thing is , if you do tell her what the consequence of not doing as you ask ( and the rules don't have to be onerous - for instance ignore her room - shut the door and if its a pigsty - its HER pigsty. If she forgets her key after one warning then she's locked out! Harsh but if you cave and get up every time why would she worry about taking the key?) then you have to follow through. If that means her moving out , so be it.

You're not doing her any favours letting her treat you like a doormat. She may have 'learnt' this behaviour from her Mum but there's no reason to let it carry on.

Sorry for the long reply :-) hope you can find a better way forward !

If you find it too hard to throw her out what about establishing some ground rules and sticking to them?

My suggestions:

Give her two days to clear her room and then tell her you will go in and pick up everything left lying around and keep it until she has properly cleaned her room.

Tell her what time meals are and that unless she negotiates otherwise that is the only time food will be provided.

Tell her that you will not open the door to her after a given time at night, say 10 pm

Decide upon a sanction if she raises her voice and stick to it.

I could go on but I think you have my drift.

She is obviously troubled but she has two parents and she is herself an adult.

You shouldn't be making yourselves ill over her - time for her to move on, but also let her know that you would love her to visit from time to time as long as she doesn't upset you or her grandfather.

Her feet wouldn't touch the ground if she were my granddaughter! She'd be out.
For you though, maybe you could help her with finding somewhere, and being able to live independently? It would surely be easier than all the stress you're having now.
Yes, her upbringing may have been not all that great, but its time to move on from that.

Not in the slightest. She should be paying her way and helping around the house. You are not her unpaid helper, let her find out what the real world is like because she has no respect for her grandparents who took her in during her hour of need.