Feeling weary with friends demands

This lady doesn't sound like much of a friend to me. All the friendship seems to be one way - coming from you.

You have helped her in many ways and her dependency is making you tired and anxious. You have told her that your finances won't stretch to going out with her regularly and yet she continues to ask you to accompany her. She is comfortably off and really wants you to go out with her. Knowing your circumstances, a real friend would offer to pay - though I'm guessing that isn't the primary issue for you as you just want some peace and quiet.

I'm afraid this lady has been pampered by her husband - perhaps, as someone else said, because she made threats if he stepped out of line.

It is kind of you to have gone to so much time and trouble to help her but I think now is the time to make yourself less available. When this lady has things in the house and garden that need doing, it appears she is perfectly able to pay for someone to sort them out.

If she is used to eating out on a regular basis, she can continue to do so and for the days when she does not, buy in some ready meals. It isn't healthy but if she is unwilling to learn how to make a simple meal that is her choice (and how difficult is it to bake a potato, boil an egg, grate some cheese and make a small salad or make yourself an omelette?).

Please do not make yourself ill worrying about this lady. You have done more than many people would do and it is now up to her to make some effort herself.

She has been spoilt and now the spoiler has gone she is stamping her feet If she can’t change a lightbulb she is a disaster show her how then leave her to it Let her buy ready food or eat out or better still LEARN to cook sounds like her poor mum is in for a ‘fun time’
Emotional blackmail is very unattractive people who are so down they feel they want to end it, don’t announce it and they certainly don’t tell you where to find them I wouldn’t play into that one at all She is looking for sympathy she wants to shock you into worrying about her don’t fall for it
Step right back to your cleaner role one day a week or whatever it is you do and forget the rest don’t waste your time it will NEVER be appreciated
Blimey I wish I was 58 again she’s got years ahead

Get social services involved, if she has her ailing mother there, she will be entitled to a carer assessment and let them take on the role of supervising her situation. Her mother's needs must be paramount.

Send her the catalogues for ready meals as advertised on TV, she really won't starve, she is quite able to hobble off to the chippy!

Sounds to me that she has been able to assume a childlike existence facilitated by her husband and plenty of money.

She is responsible for herself and her mother now and that won't do her any harm at all. She needs to grow up.

If she can't change the light bulb, then making a nose and hanging herself sounds like an empty threat.

You won't do her any favours playing along with all this.

She is young enough to have another whole life ahead of her, if she chooses it.

If she can read she caan cook. If she could afford four holidays a year she can afford a cleaner once a week. Put yourself and your family first.

Good advice from PPs so I have nothing to add except If she can't change the light bulb, then making a nose and hanging herself sounds like an empty threat. made me guffaw!

Oh dear, hanna she sounds as helpless as my Dad was when Mum died - he didn't even know how to boil an egg, had never written a cheque out, had no idea about changing a fuse and was too cack-handed to deal with things like batteries. A complete and utter nightmare. The worst of it was that he didn't want to learn either. He always felt that other people should do things for him - why should he bother?
As you've been advised if you are too helpful in with people like this you end up running around after them like a servant and you'll be taken advantage of. Can you bear to say, "this is something you must learn." Then add, "so that you can be independent." If a stronger approach is needed, "so that you can be like a proper grown-up" if you dare. Some folks are like batteries - they run you down - in more ways than one. Bon courage.

I experienced something similar but very much younger, in my 30s. That lady had an adulterous husband and expected me to be her shoulder to lean on 24/7 ánd expected me to take care of her 3 children since she was to sad to do that herself ?When I refused, she started to stalk me. It has been a horrible experience, so be carefull Hanna.

A very tough situation but this lady whatever she can or not do has had the ground pulled from underneath her and will be terrified of been alone , explain to her that you will help her regain some normality in life but it has to include others as your time is limited and the time you spend together you would prefer it to be quality time . help her get someone in to clean and maybe prepare meals she already has a gardner ,maybe an on-line food shop to be delivered , also if needed someone to assist with her mother. Go back to spending time as you did with her before the death of her husband and get her involved in voluntary work little steps at first until she regains her confidence, good luck she will adapt it just takes time .

Plenty of excellent practical advice on here. I’m wondering who looks after her mother while she is out with you.
All I want to add is the thought that there may be groups in the area you could go to with her. Then, if she finds people to be with, you, of course, would stop going!
Libraries often have various activities and may also provide lists of what’s in the area. U3A may have something she’d like. There are lunch clubs who go to a different (pricy) restaurant each time. The Women’s Institute is surprisingly lively and varied too

To be brutally frank, what's to like about this person? She sounds like one of life's takers and seems to think she's entitled too. You sound like a lovely person. Please don't let her take advantage.

may I suggest your friend is clutching at you as her husband encouraged her to be a child and she has transferred that role of parent to you? Whilst I too have gone through this and detaching a clinging vine is hard work, I'd advise not to cut her off abrubtly but do some gentle pruning. Depends on how up front you want to be. Honesty could be brutal and she sounds as if she may be depressed. How about laying some of the blame on your DH, he's missing you and wants more of your time and to keep the house tidier etc etc. Meals can be delivered and freezer centres and the better quality shops have some good alternatives to home cookng, how about one gigantic freezer stocking day out? But I would feel happier if she got professional support. I sourced this link for you and it has an adults number for her to call. Always the Samaritans for anytime sympathetic ear. I'd make up a little notebook of different organisations especially local with volunteering charities, hospital (always want people to help on ward rounds, in tea shops, in house radio etc). Then start cutting back on the face to face and give her firm times you could be available for a chat on phone or visit. Good luck and dont feel guilty you sound as if you have been an amazing friend. She'll thank you when she has a new group of contacts you helped her make to move on with her life. www.bereavementcharity.org.uk/

You could get a Wiltshire Farm Foods brochure sent to her, she needn't even know it had come at your request. I am sure the neighbour who is cooking for her is also getting fed up!
www.wiltshirefarmfoods.com/brochure?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIqfTj992s2QIViLvtCh1RuA2DEAAYASAAEgLyP_D_BwE

It is of course sad that your friend's husband has died (probably worn out!) But it sounds to me that all that helplessness is indicative of a personality disorder, and you will not change her. Self-preservation is what is required here, so withdraw any help beyond what would be considered normal for anyone else. Be prepared for a reaction though. I think she lacks boundaries and is terrified of abandonment. Good luck!

Do you think it would be better - and maybe more what she needs emotionally - for you to stop doing the work for her and instead go with her on her days out? I expect the lack of a companion to go out with is probably harder to deal with emotionally than the cleaning and gardening, which of course can be dealt with by hiring someone.

Obviously its very early days and she is in shock and grieving but you have been an enormous help to her, she is used to being totally organised (controlled?) by someone else and seems to have been kept by as a helpless child, now thats gone she must be encouraged/ helped to move on which you have made a start with, as soon as you can I would revert to doing your job with her but if she becomes impossible you mustn't feel any guilt about stepping back - for your own sake.

You’ve been a very, very kind friend but as others have said this lady has a whole new life to lead and the sooner she starts the better - for everybody. You say she doesn’t do anything between your cleaning stints. Could you do once a week and make that your contact with her? Good advice about doing a big freezer shop/Wiltshire foods. She’s grieving and completely out of her depth so don’t do anything in haste because I think you’ll end up feeling guilty and you’re coping with enough negative feelings because of this lady. Good luck.

The beauty of Gransnet is that people reinforce what you deep down really know already. You have been very kind but this lady has decades to live and needs either to spend out on a housekeeper or learn how to look after her own home and you need to take several paces back. Good luck. I have been in this position and it will take a while for you to feel ok about it but you have to be strong.

People do get away with what they can on the whole and she has led a privileged life. Sadly it is not at this moment that you can pull the rug from under her feet. That would be cruel. However taken at a steady pace this period of her life could be transforming but as many wise people above have said slow and steady. You are on the right track and as you say writing it down itself can help with the problem. So really good luck. SHe has become a totally dependent personality and none of us would want to be that. Some psychotherapy would be useful for her and she has the funds. It’s not just the bereavement she has become utterly powerless in her own life and money has enabled that and shoved the problem under the carpet. It’s time she found herself. And we’ll done you for all the help you have given her.

I think there is a message for us all here. If there are things your spouse or partner “can’t” do teach them before something awful happens and they are dependent on others. This also applies to finance. Often the more interested member of a partnership deals with this, if they are suddenly incapacitated or worse does the other member have the information to take the reins? I think it’s sad when friends, usually women say “I couldn’t let him in the kitchen, he makes too much mess”. It’s rather demeaning when an adult can’t prepare a meal, clean a bathroom etc. Take a step back, she might be able to care for herself given the necessity. Hard for you, but necessary. Xx

Your "friend" was taken care of and - by the sound of it - waited on hand and foot by her husband.

Now she's looking for someone to do the same. She's lazy and is taking you for a sucker.

And if you don't stand your ground you'll be a bluddy exhausted sucker too!

Why not encourage her to advertise for a live in housekeeper? Plenty of magazines ( like The Lady) have a whole raft of adverts for all sorts of staff.

Felloefeeling8, this is what I have been trying to do. My husband is quite a few years younger than me, and I have been gradually teaching him things like how to open the washing machine door and get the clothes out. Yes I know, he 's not gonna get there in time.... But I have drawn his attention to the possible problems he might face after my death and he's freely making the choice not to worry about it yet so as a mentally competent adult that's his own problem, IMHO.

Hannafore, you have my sympathy.
My sister was a headteacher with a wonderful husband who did all the cooking, the odd jobs and took care of the finances. When he died in 2010 she was totally lost. We live 100 miles apart so I spent a lot of time travelling up and down trying to help her, the more I did the more she relied on me.
She was able to have a cooked meal at school and lived on weetabix in the evenings, I kid you not. Weekends and holidays I spent teaching her basic ‘survival skills’ ie how to poach a piece of salmon, boil an egg or bake a potato. All the time she treated me with disdain, ‘I’m a professional not a cook’. Failing to see that the rest of us managed a career and culinary skills along with household maintenance, finances and changing light bulbs.
After three years of this, including suicide threats whenever I tried to back away my dh put his foot down and we moved to France.
She continued her weetabix and school dinner routine until we returned to the UK. She didn’t once come to visit me but I continued to visit her at least twice a year.
Since our return in 2016 she has retired, so no school dinners and has tried hard to regain the pre France arrangement with knobs on. I had to be fairly brutal and tell her that she’s welcome to visit me often but she must share the cooking. I hardly go to her at all any more because she’s such hard work, all about her always and lots of martyr type comments. I did persuade her to volunteer at a soup kitchen and was amazed when she did. She washes dishes two days a week and gets a hot meal for her pains.
She’s on her way over to me as I write, complete with her oh’s ashes, another thread entirely. I am going to suggest a diamond made from said ashes as suggested by wonderful helpful GN ers. Wish me luck.
Hanna be brave, back away or you will be left with a childlike clinger that just won’t be independent.

This happened to me when my lovely cousin died. His wife would pull up on my drive get out of her car and stand in the front garden crying. I would bring her in, feed her, give tea and sympathy until she was ready to leave.
She had me doing jobs for the council, her business, buying and hanging curtains and asking me to accompany her everywhere. If I tried to resist she would try and guilt trip me by saying that my cousin ( her husband) was watching me....... It worked for 2 years until I felt abused. My family life was suffering too. I told her she would have to do things for herself and I have not seen her since. I was really hurt but the relief of not doing everything for her took so much pressure off me.
She did send me a sympathy card when my mother died..... just signed her name, not one word of sympathy.
Don’t allow your friend to do this to you. If the shoe was on the other foot and you were on your own and her husband was still alive would she be as accommodating to you. Be kind to yourself x

I totally agree with previous posters, you need to gradually take a step back. I also think you need to have "a busy day" on your day off, not every week but occasionally, you need to take care of yourself & your family.

I was widowed at 57, my DH died after a short illness. I was fortunate as I am independent, can cook, clean when I can write my name in the dust ,deal with finances & drive. I moved 14 months after his death, to a new area to be nearer DD so I had to make new friends as well. The thing I miss most is having some-one to visit places with. I joined 2 Meet Up groups, great fun but you have to have the confidence push yourself into uncomfortable situations to walk into a strange place & meet new people. It doesn't sound like this lady could do that on her own.

Definitely an appraoch to Social Services is require as her elderly DM is now living with her.

I cannot understand women or men who are totally reliant on their OHs for everything but maybe her DH was controlling.

Good luck