Feeling weary with friends demands

I had a friend where we lived previously who relied on us for all sorts of help. She and her DH had plenty of money but she seemed to prefer to rely on us. They also had three children whom they never asked to help them at all because they were "too busy" - we both had full-time jobs and we have four children.

They employed a gardener because they felt sorry for him but unfortunately he knew nothing about gardening and hence we had to go and "help" them with any heavier gardening jobs. She employed cleaners but was very difficult as she was unreasonably fussy. In the end we became sick of the many demands and it was one of the reasons that we moved from that area.

Since then we have had just one visit, during which she moaned about how cold she was (in a room at 25 degrees), despite the fact that we were half way through house renovations and had done everything possible to make her comfortable, with underfloor heating, a gas fire and gas central heating.

It just isn't reasonable for OP's "friend" (for which you should really read "employer") to take advantage in this way. The helpless little woman act is very convenient, but everybody can learn to cook or buy ready meals, to change light bulbs and to cope with everyday tasks.

Unless OP needs the money I suggest that it would be better for stop working for this controlling person.

I think, if I were you, I would stop going and doing the cleaning for her.

I agree with Charleygirl.

If there's only herself in the house - no children/pets and now no spouse, it can't get very dirty. It sounds as if she's used to being waited on hand and foot and - unless you really need what she pays you - I would pack it in.

I am the world's worst really, I don't like cleaning etc but I wouldn't live in a pig-hole so would therefore always do the bare essentials e.g. push a vacuum round when required. As for cooking, I know plenty of people who live on ready-meals or takeaways, whether it's good for them or not is up to them.

Some of us have taken on a new life following widowhood/redundancy, maybe from necessity. This woman has all she needs and they are the worst IMHO.

Step back!

You are being a good friend to her, and glad to hear that you are going to set some boundaries. I too have a needy friend but the more you do, the more is asked of you and in the longer term it does not help to facilitate "helpnessless". Being able to cook and look after a house are basic skills of adulthood and you are helping by pointing her in the right direction!

nothing wrong with M & S readymeals, which you just bung in the microwave - or the equivalent from any of the big supermarkets. Very sensible of you to sugget she does some voluntary work. There are loads of people out there who need more help than her by the sounds of things............good luck!

My father could neither cook nor clean either, but learned to do so when my mother became increasingly bed-ridden. After her death he looked after himself quite competently for nine years. He was 80 when my mother died.

This lady can do the same IF SHE WANTS TO. If not it is not your problem.

Please encourage her to contact social services regarding her mother's care. If you want to continue as her cleaner, do so by all means, but do not let yourself be inveigled into doing anything else for her that costs you time and money.

I am sure you can get another cleaning job instead of this one, if you need to earn the money, as good cleaners are hard to come by.

Realistically, this woman is 58, so she is not very likely to change. She will certainly not do so as long as you or anyone else does things for her. She will change if and when she wants to herself. Do you really want to wait for that to happen?

In your place I would take the suicide threat seriously, as you will feel dreadful if she did kill herself, and you had done nothing to prevent it; although frankly, I do not think she really means the threat, but is used, as others suggest, to getting her way by threatening to kill herself.

Make sure, if you can that her grief councillor knows she has mentioned suicide, then leave her to cope with it.

If you're not exaggerating that she does no cleaning between your fortnightly cleaner the House must be a tip- do you help out by tidying when you visit as her friend, if so you must explain that a once a fortnight cleaner is not enough and she needs a weekly cleaner. You mentioned that a neighbour cooks for her, so not sure why you've involved yourself in that side of things by suggesting cookery classes. Why should your friend bother to change her ways if someone is always willing to do jobs she is probably perfectly capable of doing herself. It could be your very kindness is not really helping her in the long term.

I'm wondering whether she, for example, invited you on days out when you were friends as opposed to the 'daily'. You've clearly got a caring nature but all this has got the better of you and is making you anxious. Not good for you.

Her husband may have babied her. His choice! It's unfortunate that his over indulgence has left her unable to function in even the most basic way.

On the plus side, she's financially secure and can afford all the help she needs from gardening to taxis to housekeeping.

I truly hope the answers on here have helped you to do what's best for you. Me? I would be running for the hills
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Unless this lady is disabled you are really saying she 'will not' clean or cook; if she is disabled then as she is clearly not hard up you could help her find a cleaner and there are many home delivery companies that offer delicious food, or she could buy ready meals. There is always such a fine line between being helpful and finding that you are being used; you have been an absolute rock for this lady at the worst of times and I am sure she is very grateful and probably afraid of coping alone, but for your sanity and personal life it is probably wise to gently push her into coping for herself. A dreadful time for her, but it mustn't turn into a dreadful life for you!

I’m sorry for her loss but agree with past comments. You can’t let her put that much pressure on you. You have your own life and I would remind her of that...and if the cleaning is too much, I would finish that as well. If you enjoy her company, I’d suggest to her,what you’d like to do-and if that’s not enough for her, I’d give the whole thing a miss.

Hannafore I'm sorry to hear of this dilemma for you. It is not totally uncommon. You are a good friend to her. You have done everything right, you helped her through the days when she was in shock and set her along a path to moving on with some good support and counselling. I have seen this kind of person several times and been emotionally blackmailed by one of them very badly myself. They have depended on their husbands for everything and lived like little queens in their palace while he waited on them. Now they want you to do the same.

You will need to be tough. You just have to say no! Nicely, calmly, kindly, but no - you can't go out every week or do her cleaning, etc. It is not viable for you. Also the suicide threat is emotional blackmail but I would tell her GP. I would also tell her that it is a very horrible thing to do to other people, who does she expect will find her? I've been bereaved by suicide twice and found the second person who was in a terrible mess. So I know! Be calm and firm and say she is in control of her life and making threats like that cannot change what you are able to do for her. You feel very sorry for her loss. She has to take responsibility for her life, as we all do and when making threats of suicide, she must think of the effects on others.

I can't remember - does she have a cleaner? I'm sure she can afford someone to "do" the house once or twice a week.

Try to detach yourself emotionally. I had to deal with a mother with BPD, and I know how hard it is when people are self-centred and emotionally blackmail you. Just give her firm common sense answers, reassuring her you are her friend but you are not her minder or carer and you have many responsibilities you must keep which take up your time. It does not mean you don't care about her. I don't know if she will listen, it sounds to me as if she has a problem which may have pre-existed the bereavement. Good luck!

I had a friend like yours who became more and more dependent on me. I agreed to go on holiday with her and left my husband at home. It was a disastrous holiday because she wanted everything her way and was telling me what we were going to do all of the time then sulking if I did something she didn't want to do.
It was always requests of her asking me to go for coffee when I could ill afford the time.
I think I have cooled it down by sensitively refusing the coffee and arranging a holiday with my husband this year.
The result - she has latched on to someone else and I have breathed a sigh of relief and wish them both well.
Im sure your friend would do the same.

Thank you I am amazed that there are so many people that have had similar situations. In answer to an earlier question I clean for her every fortnight and the house in between is really dirty and messy. Bin overflowing and as her husband used to put the rubbish/recycling she now forgets so piles up for a couple of weeks until she has to do it. You would not believe what I see cleaning wise when I enter the house and I think she is lazy. Her husband was really lovely but did spoil her too much.
Her mother has a carer coming in twice a week who stays for half an hour.
To be honest I don't know what the two of them eat during the week. Her neighbour has them over for sunday roast every week and also brings them a lasagne or pot stew during the week but has now said she is going to stop doing this as she is an elderly lady and has her own husband to care for.
I agree my friend has had a privileged life but has very little appreciation as is always moaning about how awful her life is even when it isn't! I always go home feeling drained and my ears ringing after listening to all her woes and realise that I cannot be used as her sounding board and if I am really honest with myself have been actually thinking if I really like this person tbh
Thank you for all the many comments and has given me lots to think about ?

Above all she needs to learn to fend for herself. She's accustomed to having her every need being met by anyone other than herself.

Help her by being honest. When you refuse her, tell her it's because you have a life and she needs to learn to do things for herself. Make recommendations or point her in the right direction, but stop doing for her because you become an enabler.

If she's depressed, you can recommend she see a therapist. Whatever happens you don't need to cut her off, but you do need to establish your own boundaries. Be honest with her and let her realize that you care about her but that most of the time she needs more help than you are able to provide.

It's not that she can't do things, she doesn't want to. You are letting her to be selfish. If she want to live in a tip and eat ready meals she is a grown woman and that's up to her.I would tell her you haven't the time anymore and will have to stand back. Do not be emotionally blackmailed into being her carer.

Having thought about this over the afternoon is there a mental health aspect to this problem. Such lack of motivation suggests a long standing depression to me. Do you know why her husband did everything domestically?

Fellowfeeling8 She has always been a very negative person. If I say what a lovely day and the sun is shining she would say no it's not. Her husband has always done everything for her the whole 27 years of married life because I think he wanted to and apparently they did have a cleaner years before I met her when she first got married to him.

Does this woman have friends or just servants and personal slaves? Clearly her life is going to have to change much as she doesn't want to face this.

As she is financially comfortable assisting her to engage a counsellor, cleaner, gardener, financial advisor etc is a good start. She could order shopping & preprepared meals online. Perhaps a computer course is also needed?
Having done all that you have already done just step back and reclaim your own life otherwise you will be at her beck and call forever.

I agree with others see if you can get her to do some voluntary work there she will meet new people and not be so dependent on you. Please think of yourself

Hannaford, could you get your friend to see her doctor, she sounds very depressed to me. And perhaps you could go out for walks with her or take her out to some sociable event. Also encourage her to manage her situation by hiring more help. Her husband has died and she is looking after her elderly mother. Sometimes we all need a bit or support.

hannafore has already given her friend "a bit of support" and more. Friend needs/wants propping up completely which, as several people have intimated, is a job for people whose profession it is to help those with this kind of problem, not for her cleaner. I hope you can persuade your friend to go to her GP in the first instance, hannaf, and that you can get across to her the message that you are stepping back a little. The stepping back might feel a bit brutal to you but you need to do it for your own health's sake.

It does sound as if there is long standing depression. A GP visit would be good if she will go. I wonder too if now her Mum is there your friend would be open to employing a different cleaner on a more frequent basis, weekly or even twice weekly. That would allow you to back away and instigate contact as you feel able and want to. Meeting for a coffee is very different to being responsible for the cleanliness of her home and putting down that role could help hanna. Please prioritise yourself and your own family, it really is true that you won’t be able to care for anyone of you are unwell. I hope it can work out so your friend is supported without exhausting you.

Good grief she's a bit of a needy princess isn't she ? Her doting husband certainly was at fault here , pity she didn't have children as she would have had to do more then swanning about.
As for the suicide threats, don't teenagers say things like that to get their own way ? Tell her you have your own life, work and family , you will obviously help from time to time, if it's convenient to you.

She does not sound as if she has ever really grown up and is scared of becoming a fully functioning adult - it is hard and painful for her, but the risk, as others have said, is that you actually make it easier for her to remain dependent. You have a truly kind heart and it is hard to step back and not respond to her unreasonable demands. BUT as someone else has said, suicide threats should be taken seriously, and I think you should talk to her doctor if you can, or tell your own doctor and see if they will take some appropriate action. She should also know about Samaritans - they are not only for people who are suicidal, and will listen to her fears at any time. But bereavement counselling sounds an excellent idea, and a better overall approach, if she will go for that help. As she has money, she could also pay to see a good psychotherapist, if she is ready and willing to do that.

Do please look after yourself.

Your friend/employer should tell her Gp how she feels as she has threatened to kill herself when her mother dies. Suicide is a possibility and is, I understand, one of the top ten causes of death in people of a certain age.

It certainly sounds as though she and her mother can afford more help in the house. Do they have room for a live in carer?

Please don’t feel guilty about anything to do with her - she seems adept at getting people to do things for her but, nevertheless, death of a spouse is HUGE and her threats can’t be taken lightly.

I hope you feel that the advice you have had here on GN has given you a wide variety of options.

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I am concerned that you are cleaning for your friend who it seems pays you. Hopefully you are paid £12 per hour. If not you should be. Secondly as her mother had come to live with her and there are carers twice a week so footfall through the house is now much greater and hence it will need more cleaning. Do you want to do this? or would you prefer to bow out now, giving one month's notice and the name of an agency who provides cleaners?