AIBU to want to make a speech at my child's wedding

Ps Don't worry about the speeches! Just ensure you get in the close family photos ....

I barely remember the speeches when my DS got married apart from my sons speech.

Brides do seem to have a tendency to take over the whole thing! We (eventually) laughed when we saw how few photos there were of our side of the nuptials. It became a bit of a joke between his twin sister and me! Well, perhaps I pretended to laugh when I was actually seething! all said tongue in cheek ladies! Water under the bridge. I think I may be a wicked MIL ???

When my son married - a more mature bridegroom than usual- one of his brothers-in- Law was a kind of “Master of ceremonies” - a very outgoing Irishman, he spoke amusingly about both bride and groom. This worked well as both father of the bride and close friend best man were quite shy and spoke briefly. As a single parent I had spoken at two of my daughters’ weddings, the third chose a much loved uncle. If everyone agrees, I don’t think it matters who speaks after all most weddings are a mixture of traditional and modern!

Last year our only daughter got married, a traditional church wedding was followed by a reception. However, they chose to have no speeches, apart from a brief word of thanks from the groom for attending, no first dance, no cutting of the cake. Were these our choices- no? However, we respected their wishes and said nothing - everyone had a lovely relaxed day. Let the couple be free to do what they want, determine to support their choices with love.

EMTEE, most of us don’t want to return to the dark ages of women as goods - but in this case, yogogran has already asked if she can give a short speech and has been told no.
Most of us would accept that.

There is nothing in the original post that says what TYPE of wedding it will be anyway - unconventional or otherwise, but we do know they don’t want a mother of the groom speech.

When my brother married, our parents were already dead, so I was the family representative, along with my husband. Suddenly out of the blue during the dinner, the bride's mother stood and asked if I'd like to make a speech. I was completely thrown. I'm very shy and of course had nothing prepared. Everyone was looking at me expectantly. Luckily my husband, a real extrovert stood up and spoke on our behalf. The bride's mother was an actress and probably thought nothing of talking in public. Back to the original question. I think you should be allowed to make a speech but you must go along with what the bride and groom want. It's not worth falling out over.

Write him a letter telling him everything you would say in a speech. I wrote to each of my daughters when they got engaged, bless them they have kept and framed the letters. Somethings are best said/written one to one!

As others have said, kick back and enjoy the day and your cracking new outfit!

Yogogran I must say I haven't read every single reply but what I have skimmed through seems to be saying 'no' to a speech! I am shocked that women are still being seen as persona non grata and with formal events such as weddings becoming more informal in many cases these days with wedding receptions in fields (my daughter) and barns (other daughter) I thought times had changed.
I walked my eldest daughter down the beautifully flower-decorated aisle in a field (register signing done on a different day) and my son (youngest of 4 and the only boy) walked his other sister down the aisle in church. I am too self conscious to make a speech but so wish that I had now, however short. These faux-formal restrictive weddings are about showing off that you care more about money and how things look (photos, talking about it to others) than how people really feel imho. Most weddings degenerate later in the evening in my experience to over-drinking and dramas! True colours perhaps lol?!
I think that you should prepare something short but loving about the two of them and their future life together including how pleased you are that the bride is in your (or your son's) life now and stand up after the bride's dad's speech and tap your glass loudly and go for it. End with a toast and don't go on, just be brief! Especially if you have a reputation for talking too much! I believe you will regret it otherwise.
Times have changed. If you are brief and complimentary to the bride everyone (worth their salt) will be happy about it and it will add to the occasion.
Don't tell anyone and see how you feel on the day - you may change your mind!
If you want to pm me with what you would like to say I would be happy to help. Good luck lights blue touch paper and stands well back...

Why not write a note saying how happy you are that your son has found such a lovely life partner and wish them luck in their new life? Pop it in the card and give it to them before the wedding.
Presumably, if it is to be a sit down meal, you will be at the top table which will indicate how important the wedding is to you.

Hi, to put it bluntly, this is their wedding, not yours. I know how hurtful that is...I know that as parents of the groom we sometimes draw the short straw as well in things like weddings, grandchildren etc. But personally I think it has to be done the way they wish it...grin and bear it.

Amma54 has suggested just what I did, i.e. gave a reading at each of our DDs' weddings. I should add that I was asked to do so, my two sons-in-law being the most keen and choosing the poems (Sonnet 116 'Let me not to the marriage of true minds...' and 'i carry your heart with me' by e e cummings - annoyingly lower case (!)). I hope I was able to inject some of my own feelings into both renditions and they seemed to go down well.
As for giving a speech - it's a no-no, particularly as the bride and groom don't want you to, and generally because listening to speeches is usually such a bore (most go on far too long) when all guests want to do is continue with the grub and wine. Go with the flow and don't rock the boat. You can always express your feelings to individual guests later informally.

There were no speeches at my wedding - which secretly I was disappointed about. This was because my husband didn't want to and his son the best man didn't. It was an informal wedding reception though. I can understand how you feel, but if Bride has decreed no speeches (as my husband did) there must be a strong reason. Just try to enjoy it.

My best friend asked if she could do a speech at my wedding - there wasn’t a dry eye with what she said - and everyone said how lovely it was - don’t not ask and live to regret it

Apricity
?...I'll send him a screenshot of that stupid mistake. I'm sure he'll come back with a pithy remark.

Please do respect your the bride's wishes, otherwise you are starting the mother-in-law daughter-in-law relationship on the wrong foot, and it is usually difficult enough without offence being given and taken at the wedding!

Why on earth don't you write the nice things you want to say in a card to the bridal couple?

I have sat through so many speeches at weddings and other important occasions that have made me, as a visitor, cringe and seen far to many brides and bridegrooms made uncomfortable by what was said. The worst instance was someone going on at great length about the mother of the bride who had died six months previously.

I'm sure you won't be so tactless, but it is tactless in the extreme to make a speech when you have already been told that the bride does not want anything except the speeches she can't persuade her father etc. not to hold. She would probably gladly dispense with Daddy telling everyone what a lovely girl she is and how lucky your son is to be marrying her!

I would have another chat with your future DiL and outline what you want to say. Yes, keep it short if you get to do it on the day, avoid being over-emotional which is unpleasant from anybody. A previous poster has said it's the bride's day: it's your son's too. There is no reason in 2018 why women should not make wedding speeches or have a man do so on our behalf. Could you do a reading which encapsulates what you want to say? But clear with relevant persons first. Unusually, our family was sidelined at my daughter's wedding and I still feel a bit cross about it.

I scored a goal for the girls when I gave a MOB speech, which went down well. She does have a brother, so it was a privilege for me to be asked. But that was my daughter, and I wouldn't expect to give a speech for a son's wedding.

GabriellaG, the image of the father of the groom 'sanding' the floor with the bride is priceless. No wonder he is now an 'ex'. ?

The wedding is for bride and groom and bride's parents even if you do chip in. This is nothing compared to what you face later. DiLs are not easy for MiLs. You are likely not to be as close to any grandchildren as dils parents are. Best thing to do is praise dil as often as poss without going over the top. Do whatever she wants. If you can't bear some situation any longer say to DS that he and she are both wonderful but you would really like eg to see dgc more often/them more often etc but you completely understand if not convenient. The last thing you want to do is fall out w dil about a speech before they even get married.

Not especially helpful but - My eldest went away to the States for a holiday with his American girlfriend and they got married there and then! With no warning and literally in their jeans and T shirts. He was never going to go down the traditional white wedding route anyway, but basically what I'm saying is, be happy you are involved at all!

It is their day, and they must be allowed to make arrangements as they want.

Take a step back, enjoy the fact that your son is happy and don't let this to become a springboard to bad feeling for the future.

How about writing down what you would like to say and show it to your dil? She would be able to see you would keep it brief. Worth another gentle try. Weddings are much less traditional nowadays, so am surprised she is so inflexible, but don't think it's worth falling out over.

Gawd! dancing not sanding.

Oh no, absolutely not! I was more than happy to leave all the arrangements to my DIL's family, share some of the costs and just enjoy the day. My DIL did actually make a speech, which was unusual, thanking us for accepting her into the family. She can do no wrong in my eyes.

When my second son got married, he crossed the floor to have the first dance with ME.
The tears were tripping me and he pointed to the other couple on the floor which were his father (my now ex) sanding with the new bride.
It was her suggestion apparently and paved the way for a wonderful relationship not only with our son but with us and I love her very much.