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To roll my eyes a bit when I hear the words 'We'll be dead soon'...

(50 Posts)
mummyagain Thu 05-Apr-18 09:47:08

Obviously it's a complaint masked by a joke when this phrase is uttered so I don't take it to heart but urg - seems to rear it's head about once a quarter.

We took the kids somewhere at the weekend and posted a pic or two to Facebook and now gp's are huffing about not having been invited - I get it to a point but AIBU to not invite them to everything we do?

Please don't shoot me - we do invite them along every now and then and they have time with the kids every week, we're not awful ?

Maggiemaybe Thu 05-Apr-18 09:52:13

Can’t say I’ve ever said it, or heard it. I’d think most of us are far too busy to be so needy.

MissAdventure Thu 05-Apr-18 09:54:57

Do you tell the grandparents you'll be going out before posting the pics?
I'm guessing it can't be nice to see family out and about and realising you didn't know?

mummyagain Thu 05-Apr-18 10:02:29

Yeah we mentioned it but it was just us and the kids - my family are so cool about thus stuff and just happy to see us doing things with the kids - surely we shouldn't have to ask permission haha When I was a kid
Me and my sisyer were always doing things and going places with mum and dad - it just feels natural to me but is causing friction - every time!

I come from a family that doesn't live in pockets- we're close but independent if that makes sense x

MissAdventure Thu 05-Apr-18 10:05:57

You're right, you shouldn't need permission.
I don't know what the answer is, but I do know I'm glad, sometimes, not to have to walk on eggshells like people with families do.

mummyagain Thu 05-Apr-18 10:09:01

It's exactly that MissAdventure - I've had to learn to be relatively good at it (especially since we had the kids) as the in-laws are so different to my family - it's a wonder me and the husband get on so well haha

Trying to please everyone is a nightmare - one of the things no-one tells you about starting a family aye! X

SpanielNanny Thu 05-Apr-18 10:11:10

mummyagain no you’re not been unreasonable at all, and you absolutely do not need their permission. Try to rise above the silly comments, I know it can be difficult. Keep enjoying your family time.

rockgran Thu 05-Apr-18 10:11:11

It would be a bit claustrophobic to have the grandparents at every event. If they are included some of the time I can't see a problem. I love to see that my son and family are having fun and making their own memories. I certainly don't expect us to be invited all the time. In fact I find them a bit hard to keep up with at times!

Teetime Thu 05-Apr-18 10:15:46

I love to see the photos of my family on FB at the weekend and I know I cant and shouldn't be with them all the time. Its just that as a Grandparent you do think about the GKs so much and wonder what they are doing. But no you shouldn't have to always take them along unless your The Waltons or something. smile

Luckygirl Thu 05-Apr-18 10:17:32

Stop posting pics on Facebook. It is unnecessary and is clearly causing problems. Just enjoy your day out without having to "share" it with all an sundry - your in-laws appear to be part of that the sundry folk.

Of course you cannot have them tagging along all the time, and when they get in a fret about it all then their inclusion becomes more of a chore than a pleasure. Just invite them when you want and if there is flak over the other times when you don't then just ignore it.

mummyagain Thu 05-Apr-18 10:20:15

I do try to rise above it but sadly my husband struggles to - it must be difficult for him and I don't think his parents realise the strain they put on us sometimes - we've made sure to include them in certain things and see the kids, we help the little ones call them sometimes too because it's really cute ❤ but it's never enough - I feel bad for my husband as he gets it full bore and only tells me what's going on after we've spent a few days snipping at each other because they've been on at him - the husband starts being an arse and I don't know why ??

mummyagain Thu 05-Apr-18 10:22:54

I post on Facebook as I have family all over and like to keep them in the loop - I don't see why I should stop sharing with them? I don't have masses of friends on there, only people we actually know in real life.
I could block them from albums but that just feels mean and completely shouldn't be necessary

janeainsworth Thu 05-Apr-18 10:26:30

I don’t see why mummy should censor what she puts on Facebook, luckygirl.

The GPs seem to be indulging in a bit of emotional blackmail here, instead of being forthright and simply asking to be included in family trips. Mummy says they have time with the children every week - they should count themselves fortunate.

I would counter ‘we’ll be dead soon’ with ‘you never know, you might still be here in 5 years’ time!’ grin

janeainsworth Thu 05-Apr-18 10:27:01

X posts mummy

KatyK Thu 05-Apr-18 10:28:46

Facebook causes many problems. It has in our family. I keep off it now - not worth the hassle.

rockgran Thu 05-Apr-18 10:31:28

You shouldn't have to stop posting on facebook - I love to see my grandchildren's adventures on FB and I'm sure your friends and other family do too. You could be sneaky and "hide" the photos from them with the privacy options but I suppose they might find out. It sounds like whatever you do it is never going to be enough. Just smile sweetly and change the subject.

Jalima1108 Thu 05-Apr-18 10:40:51

I like to be included sometimes but mostly I know we can't keep up with them walking at top speed so we're happy to let them go off and enjoy themselves.

silverlining48 Thu 05-Apr-18 11:02:46

It is nice as grandparents to be included in family trips not every time off course, but sometimes.
Often grandparents regular provide childcare . We commit certain days in order to help and to save expensive nurseries etc,.we do it with love but it’s often 12 hour days with travel. It can be very tiring.
Family time is different and gives the gp a chance to see the whole family without the responsibility child care brings. Up to you of course so long as both sets of gp treated the same?

Luckygirl Thu 05-Apr-18 11:10:13

There are ways of sharing info and photos with friends and family that are more precisely directed at those you wish to communicate with: whatsapp is a good option - you can create the group you want to send to without the blanket coverage of Facebook.

I would simply avoid Facebook like the plague if it is triggering ill feeling.

The "we will be dead soon" mantra is almost comic - I find it hard to believe they really say this!

mummyagain Thu 05-Apr-18 11:15:21

Not really the same silverlining48 as their situations are entirely different - the in-laws live around the corner as does my Mum, they both help out one afternoon a week (not 12 hours blimey! That's an ask isn't it!) And have the odd sleep over/Weekend pop round etc, but my Dad lives out of town and only sees the kids every other month for a couple of days so we have to cram in quality time if that makes sense - I think the in-laws get jealous but I don't see what I can do to improve things as I love seeing my Dad too x

mummyagain Thu 05-Apr-18 11:16:32

Luckygirl they actually use that exact phase lol it's rubbish isn't it ?

mummyagain Thu 05-Apr-18 11:23:16

I should point out that I have a pretty good relationship with my in-laws 90% of the time and am not bashing them ?

gmelon Thu 05-Apr-18 12:17:16

I wouldn't waste my time staring at Facebook if I believed I'd soon be dead.

mummyagain Thu 05-Apr-18 12:20:47

Gmelon ??????

gummybears Thu 05-Apr-18 12:40:09

In your situation, I would filter them out of facebook posts (the legendary soft block) until this issue is resolved.

The way they are behaving towards your husband is emotionally manipulative and obviously upsets him. "We'll be dead soon" is flat out emotional blackmail.

I am guessing you have absolutely no other childcare option, because otherwise it would be a lot easier to address this assumption that they are somehow entitled to your nuclear family time.

They aren't. It's both reasonable and a sign of a healthy, functional extended family to be around on family time/family outings sometimes. But put sometimes in bold there.

I know I must come off as terribly unsympathetic to your ILs, but they see the kids at least once per week guaranteed from your description. Honestly that is a pretty massive amount to see family that don't live with you. There are loads of GNers reading this post who would be over the bloody moon to see grandkids that often. Or at all.

Seriously, what is their expectation of how often they should see the kids? Can DH explore this with them non confrontationally? It seems like you and DH both work - is there no understanding on ILs' part that you as the kids parents need and want some time alone with your own kids at the weekends?

There seems to be a terrible mismatch in your and the ILs' expectations here. Hopefully you can explore that in a non confrontational way and get on the same page.

The issue with your dad is a complete non issue. He sees them what, six times a year whilst ILssee them at least once a week? Moreover, how is it their business when and how you and your kids see your dad? You are an adult, not their underage child, they are not the keepers of your schedule. I would honestly not even engage with this childish nonsense over your dad's visits. Would they prefer a schedule of visits like your dad's - once every other month for a couple of days? I bloody doubt it.

Have DH handle this in as calm, sensitive and respectful a way as possible whilst making clear that you WILL have nuclear family time and you will NOT be shamed or manipulated out of it.

I hope this all works out for you. Hopefully it really is just an issue with unrealistic expectations on their part.