To roll my eyes a bit when I hear the words 'We'll be dead soon'...

Or just carry on rolling your eyes, and accept that people are funny old sticks, and its not meant to be harmful or to cause rifts..

Oh gosh, Mummyagain, I'd be awfully tempted to respond with something like 'Oh yes, so you will! What songs do you want at your funeral?'

Tbh, it sounds like they don't have enough to do in their lives.

MissA, if its not meant to cause trouble, why are the ILs getting on to DH "full bore for days" causing aggro at home between DH and OP over this?

I also believe in turning a blind ear to most things, but now this is causing trouble between OP and DH, OP is perfectly right to address it with DH and invite him to address it with his parents.

I have no idea why they might go on about it for days, but well, my opinion is that if you can rise above such things, its probably better to do so.
It doesn't do anyone any good having a family feud.
Again, just my personal take on it, mostly through seeing some of the terribly sad threads on here.
Plus, my mum and my Nan couldnt stand each other, but they rose above it, and learned to get around it.

Oh gosh, Mummyagain, I'd be awfully tempted to respond with something like 'Oh yes, so you will! What songs do you want at your funeral?

"Always look on the Bright Side of Life"
www.metrolyrics.com/always-look-on-the-bright-side-of-life-lyrics-monty-python.html

Different days, MissAdventure. It's all about expectations and boundaries, ghosting and COing now.

I think I could have risen above a quarterly threat to die.

Where does it say they go on "full bore for days", anyway, gummybears, apart from in your post?

Maggie, a later post from OP, about halfway down the first page:

"i feel bad for my husband as he gets it full bore and only tells me what's going on after we've spent a few days snipping at each other because they've been on at him - the husband starts being an arse and I don't know why"

Hence the conversation I was having with MissA about it starting to cause trouble between OP and DH.

I am a bit of a doormat so I feel the fairest thing, rather than to pull the nuclear option you allude to in your post above, is to try and respectfully explore with the ILs what their expectations are about spending time with the family to see if everyone can get on the same page.

In the fourth post from mummyagain Maggiemaybe.

Nope, sparkly1000, it's not the inlaws going on for days, it's the DH.

It's the in-laws that give my husband trouble for days and I have to suffer a foul mood from him because of it.

I really think they'd be mortified if they knew the friction it causes for us - no-one would want to be that person!

I never saw my gp because of a family fall out and am sad that I never got to experience that relationship - there's no danger of a fall out here as I don't want that for my kids - I'll probably just have to sick it up and continue to politely ignore it - have told my husband to do the same but it's difficult for him.

Their expectations include weekly sleep overs I think but we're not comfortable with that x

Also re expectations, to revisit something I've written on another thread:

It is completely natural when a baby is incoming for people close to the expected child - particularly parents and grandparents - to have ideas and expectations of what life will be like once baby arrives.

The trouble, from my amateur observations, is that often these expectations are not shared between parents and grandparents, and when the baby arrives, the reality does not match the expectations of one or either party.

Many of the sad stories here and in other forums (and indeed on forums for parents rather than GPs) begin with one party (or both!) saying "i thought X would happen when baby arrived. It hasn't happened, Y has happened instead, and I am really disappointed and upset."

It is completely natural and reasonable to be disappointed, sad and upset when our expectations have completely failed to be met.

That isn't casting shade on anyone, certainly not grandparents. If no one ever tells grandparents, "we have decided to use non family childcare, no overnights, no visiting extended family on holidays" etc (I just grabbed three common flashpoints, passing no judgement on them), and lets grandparents happily express how much they are looking forward to doing these things with new grandchild when the parents fully know they will never go along with it, no wonder the grandparents are gutted when it never comes to pass.

My spouse never let on to me the expectations my MIL was expressing to him whilst I was expecting our first child in particular, including some reaaaaaally big ones like expecting the child to be named after her, and expecting to have her one full day plus overnight every week from birth. He went along with her expectations and fed them to keep her happy, in his own words. He didn't tell me any of this because he knew I would ask to speak with her and make clear how I expected our relationship to go. So what he told me was that my (very different) expectations were fine fine fine.

As a result, she was very badly disappointed and hurt by what transpired after eldest's birth, as was I. Three years and counting of grief and difficult times on both our sides could have been prevented if he had taken hold of the situation and tried to get everyone on the same page.

It is really important, in my view, that no one gets blindsided about stuff as emotionally important as a relationship with a child/grandchild.

We don't know, and frankly I don't think OP does either, what her ILs expectations around the time they spend with the grandkids are. All we know is that they clearly don't match.

Is it so unreasonable to request DH at least tries to explore the situation with them before they are condemned out of hand as unreasonable and binned?

Sorry mummy, I cross posted with you!

Gummybears great response, thanks and it's true - there was a huge expectations vs reality when our eldest was born and it was TENSE - took us a long time to find our feet with new relationships and roles!

That must've been so difficult for you! We didn't make any promises before the birth and just answered any questions with 'We'll have to see how it goes' as we had no clue what to expect.

I did see an outfit in size 0-3 that never saw the light of day until our eldest was 7 months old and had the sacred first night away from us (we went to a friend's wedding and had a great time!) So were expectations for sleep overs from a very young age that just didn't happen as we breast fed (me obviously - not the husband - why do men even have nipples? ?)

Also in regards to holidays - we did go5 away with them last year to Derbyshire and had a lovely time - as I say we're doing what we're comfortable with and attempting to keep everyone happy but it's not working ?

Living in the Granny flat means I al with DGS a LOT, on Saturday he was out with parents and on Tuesday afternoon with Mamman.
It was lovely I had peace and quiet. Friends often ask me when they see photos on FB why I did not go, that is their time together as a family and very important to them as SIL has a demanding job so it is not easy for them to get out together.
DGS and I were out yesterday and are going to an event in a gallery tomorrow afternoon.
I hope you do not let this affect your time together with your little family, just ignore it and enjoy the children when they are little.
The photo is of DGS in an Irish pub in Brussels when I was having a meeting to organise a dinner there next week, he had a great time, me, knackered!!!!

How old are the DC mummyagain?

I was thinking about the 'sleepovers' - occasional ones could be nice and give you a night off so that you and DH could go out somewhere together.

sorry - reading the posts now, but I had started typing mine re sleepovers then got distracted by something else.

mummyagain.... I know exactly what you mean. Not in relation to me or my children/grandchildren but my brother is a lot younger than me and when he had children, my mother was put out everytime I had his children saying "I will be dead soon, you will have them when I'm gone". She positively put the blocks on everything I wanted to do for my nieces! I conceded.......... These children are now 21 and 18!!! and mum is still going strong.

My advice is to keep your cool, say nothing but just do exactly what you want to do (without guilt). Invite grandparents when its appropriate or when you want to and post whatever the heck you want on facebook.

They are YOUR children and your family. I have now got lots of GC and I am never possessive of any of them. Sometimes, I can't even accept invitations because I am so busy. Please do NOT anybody else spoil this special time with your children, no matter who they are. It is YOUR time, your plans, your choices.

Sorry, but what a load of hooha over something that is actually quite unimportant in the grand scheme of things - with everybody getting in on it: the in-laws for sulking, the husband going on for days, the AIBU added mileage.
#storminateacup #mountainsandmolehills
#letspostitonaforum

Lol grannynot - I was asking as it's affecting my marriage which is actually fairly important ?

You keep posting on fb it’s a lovely way to share photos Grandparents should get on with their own lives and stop expecting to be totted around everywhere Some people are never satisfied they see the grandkids every week what do they expect
I think you should just be pleasant but let it roll off your back there are dozens and dozens of grandparents on here who have been wiped out of their grandkids lives often without even knowing why you are bending over backwards to keep all of them happy so you enjoy your family days they don’t need to be in your pocket Although my parents helped a lot with my kids as I was alone bringing them up so they never ever expected to go on all our expeditions and I wouldn’t have asked them

Grannyknot.... is anything important in the grand scale of things? Like wars, starvation etc. What is worrying for one person, just isn't for another. Doesn't mean its LESS important. Anyone who posts is worried or concerned about something or other. Doesn't mean you have to agree or disagree but post respectfully is all that is asked.

Bluegal I apologise if my post seemed disrespectful.

I felt very excluded when my first granddaughter (much longed for) was born, and what did hurt was being sent photos of her with DIL's family (they meet up on a regular basis). But, we just kept our heads down, kept quiet, made sure we were always available to babysit etc..And, bit by bit, the relationship developed in a way that suited everyone. Young families are under such pressure, timewise, these days, that they need to have time with each other.

I agree with Miss Adventure just think they are funny old sticks ( people often are) but they are now family, which has to be accepted.I also agree with Lucky who says don’t put as much on FB.I really think that FB causes a lot of problems from all that we read about it.
If you really must do though, be prepared for the in laws to know everywhere you have been and what you have done.
It’s not reasonable of them ( or your own parents) to do lots with you and the children regularly. All younger couples need time on their own as a family.