Cruel to be kind or AIBU?

You don't say what her hours will be. Place opens at 7pm and she will be walking through town at 10pm. Is that GOING to the job or RETURNING from it?
Does she never go to town with friends in the evenings? How has she managed up to now.
2 of my children worked and lived away from home when they were 16. As long as she is sensible and wears flat shoes when on the journey, she should be fine.
Taking an evening job has it's risks (re travel at night, especially in winter) but she must know that.

Well, the trial went well. Daughter came away very happy with her evening. It's good to see her smile, says she should expect to hear within the next day or two whether she's offered a position. Had a chat with her (didn't want to burst her happy bubble with the whys & what ifs straight away) when we got home, basically saying that if she is offered a place that's she's not to just snap it up & jump in with both feet but tell them that she first needs to have a chat with mum & dad. And to air our concerns over her safety late at night. I'm hoping that's the best to handle it anyway.

Good news! Hope she gets offered the job and am sure you will sort something out.

I think we all worry about our offspring but would you do if she was away at uni? I couldn’t worry then as they were in charge of their own lives and I just had to trust to luck

I understand your worries but we can't look after our children for ever. Buy her a personal attack alarm and tell her to keep it in her hand during the walk back. Self defence classes are always a good idea too. Maybe she will make friends at the workplace and either have someone to walk with or be offered a lift? The trial is a good idea

Ohh I would be just the same, I do feel for you. What sort of area is it, do you all know it well etc. Is there an option for a taxi from the station to home. .? Could she change work clothes for tracksuit & trainers for ease of walking etc .

As a mum of daughters I can understand your concern.
How many times did I hear 'don't worry I will be ok'
My only advice, which might not suit you or your daughter. is transport. If this is only a trial are you able to give your daughter a lift ?If not and to give you peace of mind it would be worth getting her a taxi. .I do not agree that confidence is a deterrent. If someone has a' motive' on observing a lone female or male alone late at night they are hardly likely to think about it first.

When I think about the dangerous stuff I did back at that age, I shudder now. My parents knew nothing about it - if they had, I'd have been grounded! Times are more dangerous now, but I was always very confident in that "I'll be alright" ..... and I was.

Now, of course, I worry about my DGD all the time, as I worried about her mother. It's understandable, and I hope you manage to come to some sort of compromise if your DD does get the job. Being aware of your worries may help her.

I think I would let her go for the trial and if possible get a member of the family to meet her afterwards and walk with her back to the station to assess the potential risk. Or possibly do the walk together on a different evening at the time she would be leaving work. It may be that the employers have other staff who go to the station so she wouldnt be on her own, or perhaps they might even provide transport. If not, you or a family member could point out the well lit routes, any areas to avoid etc and obvious advice like looking confident and not waving an expensive smart phone about. My neice had a similar issue at the same age and used to wear her most unattractive baggy coat and tuck her long blonde hair into a hat, but after a week or two she was familiar with her route and simply ignored the occasional approach. Needless to say her Mum worried, particularly initally!

These first steps out of the nest are always difficult, usual good advice here regarding protecting herself. If she gets the job I am sure some routine will get set up, keep talking!.

the fear of crime is a bigger problem that crime itself. I dont know your town centre but if the route is well lit she should be quite safe. Buy her a rape alarm, tell her to wear flat shoes so she can run and if possible get her a moped or electric bicycle.

when I was 18 I worked in the nearest big city 20 miles from home.The hours were very unsociable with me regularly getting the last train home arriving around midnight.At the train station the local bobby would park his police car and watch who came off and on the nights my dad hadn't walked down with the dog to meet me he would take me and any other unaccopanied girls home .

My dad came down most nights but only because my sister had walked that mile home one night an a guy jumped out of the bushes naked and scared the wits out of her.
My OH always picked my daughter up when she worked in a country hotel in er early teens adn f he couldn't make it she knew we left taxi fare on the window by the door for her

Daughter did similar at same age. She was pretty savvy - wore flat trainers and trousers for the walk and (she has voluminous long blonde hair) hid it under a 'rasta' style knitted hat - ie take steps not to look too girly at a distance, watch who's about, be able to run. Don't have ear phones on. In the end you have to do what you and she can cope with. I'd say do what you can to sensibly reduce any risks but don't be ruled by 'media induced fears'.

Back in the mid 80s, our oldest daughter got her first job in retailing. She didn't have her driver's license yet, so DH and I would take turns driving her to the mall and picking her up in front of the store (10 PM) three times a week. Since the stores closed at 9 PM, the mall parking lot was relatively deserted by that time.

Were we being unreasonable? We often doubted ourselves until we read in the local paper that a serial killer caught in Florida, had been tied to an unsolved case, several years earlier. It was the disappearance of a teenage girl from our area whose body turned up in highway truck stop about a week later. She had been seen last, running across the parking lot outside her work in the middle of a storm. The place was some six miles away from where our daughter worked. The girl had also attended the same high school as our daughter.

As parents we often have regrets but I've never regretted being unreasonable enough to drive our DD back and forth to her first job and to wait for her in a parked car (often in all kinds of crazy weather). We did this for almost a year!

We have been through this situation and came through the other side. Our solution was for me to walk the dog and meet DD. The dog loved it; the exercise was good for me and the opportunity to chat together while we walked was lovely. If you don't have a dog you could always borrow one!

Is there anyone else at home who could walk with you to meet her?
We never refused to take our children anywhere, or give lifts to their friends, or pick them up. It sounds really wet but I would not have been able to sleep and I would have blamed myself if they had come to any harm. This does infantalize young people to a degree which is not helpful to them in the long run but it does stop the over-fevered imagination of their parents running wild.
As soon as they learn to drive it does get easier and I have spent many nights waiting to hear their cars pull up on the drive and thinking 'it does not matter where they have been, they are safely home now.'

I'm worrying because it's a new phase for her. It'll be the first time she's heading out on her own so late at night too. I had the same anxieties when she started catching trains to college last year, only once have I had a phone call from her telling me "mum I'm on the wrong train...I'm on a non stop to London!". But she worked it all out & got home safe. So I know she's capable. It's just the idea of being out in the dark with a fairly long trek to the station. It's the dark that worries me and what could be lurking in the shadows ?

I think it is quite normal to be nervous at all new phases of our children's lives but they have to have their wings. My son passed his driving test a couple of months ago so that gives him freedom and me anxiety! We have rules in place if he wants his freedom. He has to let us know what time he is returning and let us know if he is going to be late. When he first left the house we wanted to know he had arrived safely and to let us know when he was leaving before he left. We also made it quite clear that he was not to use the phone in the car. If he forgot, he had to pull over when it was safe to do so. Within a very short time we relaxed but he is very good still about doing what he agreed.
Can you ask your daughter to carry a personal alarm, try to avoid being on her own but to let you know when she leaves and if she has any concerns? It won't be long before she will be completely out of your care so this is a very good lesson in her learning how to be independent but safely. I suspect in a very short while, you will be more confident about this job and the experience of working will be so good for her.
Good luck.

Honestly, what kind of cities do you all live in?

A 17 year old should be capable of coming home from work without running into problems at 10 in the evening!

Next year she will be an adult and can move away from home, so you will have no idea when she comes and goes.

If anyone pesters her in the street, the best thing she can do is to run into one of the pubs and ask the bartender to ring for a taxi for her, as a nasty man is pestering her. I assure you three or four men in there with daughters the same age, will be out in the street in a trice to have a word with the nasty man!

Surely she has a mobile and knows how to dial the police on speed dial?

Any taxi or bus driver if asked will ring up for her if she is afraid.

randtanteJE65, even in my day my mother preferred us to walk in pairs at night. Surely it is better to be safer than sorry? I think you have to be terribly unlucky to have a problem and, of course, you should be able to go anywhere at anytime without fear but as a parent you are always aware of the Peter Nobles of the world, especially if you live just up the rode from where he abducted 2 teenagers like we do!

grandtanteJE65 I agree apart from the "next year when she's 18 she can move out". She can move out at 16. She is not a child. She could be married (with parental consent) with a home of her own.. We make young people too fearful and unless you live in a particularly "bad" area leave her to it. She'll have a mobile, give her an alarm (for your sake) and let her get on with her life.

Unfortunately, we can't wrap our children up in cotton wool. I used to be awake in the early hours waiting for my daughter to come home from her job, but never let on. The chances of her being attacked are very slim although the media would have us think differently. Make sure she knows the risks and tell her to try and stick to well lit main roads. If she's insistent on taking the job she needs to be confident and look as though she's expected somewhere when walking. It is hard to let go, but another year on, a lot of daughters are off to Uni, then you wouldn't know what time they arrived home or how they were coping. At least this way she will gain a bit of experience and become more street wise.

I think its the same for women and girls who start early in the morning too, especially in the winter months.The street lamps are out and it is really dark till they do come on.

I m worrying for you. Hope you can manage to sort out a lift or transport. Also buy her an alarm to carry when she is walking - stress that she is to CARRY it and not put it out of reach in a bag!!! The louder the better - hopefully she will never need it but it is a deterant

I'd be worried too. But she's 17, almost an adult, and able to make decisions for herself.

However, suggest to her that she downloads the Hollie Guard app to her phone.

hollieguard.com/ - scroll down the page to see the three different kinds of alert you can set up.

But essentially if she feels in any kind of danger, or is scared, she can just shake the phone and it will send her location and audio/visual evidence to selected contacts.

It will give you and her peace of mind, at least. If she is in difficulties her contacts can alert the police on her behalf.