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Cruel to be kind or AIBU?

(57 Posts)
icbn2802 Tue 10-Apr-18 10:15:45

My daughter's (17) got a trial for a job later this evening. I've been stressing about it since she told's a perfectly acceptable job, reviews are good etc. But I am so worried about her being out and about on her own with quite a substantial journey to get there and back and the hours she will be working (place opens at 7pm). My husband works flexible shifts so not always available to run around. The walk from the train station is almost a mile....and at 10 o'clock at night through a town centre which has a fair few pubs and clubs to pass by....I just don't want her doing it. But AIBU if I air my concerns or must I bite my tongue?
Feeling very stressy ?

BBbevan Tue 10-Apr-18 10:27:58

Is the cost of a taxi to bring her home difficult for you ?

fourormore Tue 10-Apr-18 10:32:13

Gosh, I'm with you there icbn2802.
Must admit I wouldn't be comfortable with my 20yr old GD travelling to and fro as you describe.
Is your daughter really keen on the job? If yes, you may need to express your concerns but trust her judgement.
If she's not keen on the job she may be relieved to hear your concerns and 'use them' as an excuse not to go?
Is it too far for a taxi (especially for the homeward journey) for a few 'shifts' when your hubby is unable to help?
If she takes the job and is happy there may be a fellow worker with whom she could travel and share expenses but obviously she won't know that for a while.
I will be thinking of you both this evening flowers

icbn2802 Tue 10-Apr-18 10:32:14

Yes. On top of her travel costs getting to and from college 3 days a week. It would be a stretch ?

humptydumpty Tue 10-Apr-18 10:33:55

Could she cycle, or use a moped? She would be less vulnerable that way.

Windyweather Tue 10-Apr-18 10:40:10

No I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I was exactly the same when my daughter was that age and before she passed her driving test. I worried terribly when she travelled home late at night, thinking all manner of things could happen to her. My daughter told me not to worry as there were loads of people on the trains, but she still had a mile walk from the station. The only thing I can suggest is that she get a taxi if your husband is unable to collect her, although it may not be worth her working if she has to pay out for one. Do mention your concerns to her, as the very least, it may make her a little more aware of her vulnerability, as I know when I was that age I didn't worry one bit about walking home late at night.

silverlining48 Tue 10-Apr-18 10:47:41

If the trial is tonight she may not like it ( or they may not think she is suitable) so let her try it and see where it goes.
Nowadays parents are much more careful about letting children out, but at 17 I had been working full time in London fir 2 years and then still 17 left Home and moved to London. At 18 children go off to university. Parents have no clue what their children are up to,
I understand you are nervous but see first how things go this evening, summer and light nights are on the way. She might not even like it.

goldengirl Tue 10-Apr-18 11:44:43

How times change - and concerns increase mainly due to media is my belief. I came up to London from a rural community when I was 17 and had to find my way home on public transport after working shifts and in those days I have to say it didn't bother me. However I think it did bother my parents!!!!
If my GC did the same thing today I would certainly worry!!! I watch out for my GD when she comes to us after school especially when evenings are dark - and she's a teen

janeainsworth Tue 10-Apr-18 11:46:54

My DD aged 17 had a job in a country house hotel about 10 miles from where we live, icbn.
The hotel provided transport in the form
of a minibus which collected her and delivered her back home at the end of her shift, which was sometimes an evening one.
Of course if they hadn’t done this, because of the location, they would never have got staff, but I do think employers have a duty of care and a responsibility to employees the ensure they can get to and from work safely if they are working unsocial hours.

Panache Tue 10-Apr-18 12:26:25

I can well understand your well founded anxiety icbn,surely perfectly normal at the age of your daughter and the situation our country is in these days.
I personally think you need to allow this interview,sending her off with your blessings,however a different story should she be accepted for the post.You then need to have a serious head to head with her,explaining your great fears and trying together to find some acceptable answers.
Of course the taxi home is the obvious one but costs alone may make this impossable.
However I have long learnt that usually it is wise to take things one at a time.Often answers present themselves along the way.
She needs to be accepted for this job initially before you well and truly can approach her, sharing with her all your well grounded fears.
Good luck..........and I hope it all works out for you and your DD.

lemongrove Tue 10-Apr-18 12:51:13

I agree, it would be a very real worry, I would hate my DD doing this and would strongly advise her against it.

jusnoneed Tue 10-Apr-18 13:17:11

Is she used to going into the town during the evenings? Street wise and out and about on her own or with friends?
Starting at 7 and back at 10 (if I read that right), those are not the worst times to be walking through a town unless it's particularly rough area.
I presume she is not concerned or she wouldn't of applied for the job.
Let her try it, if her job options are limited she has to do such things at some point.

NfkDumpling Tue 10-Apr-18 13:21:58

Of course you’ll worry. However, if she’s gone for this job in the first place, she’s street savvy enough and you’ve trained her well enough for her to be ok. Whenever it is you’ll worry about her, but it’ll stand her in good stead if she goes on to Uni when you won’t be around to know if she gets home ok.

DD2 admitted to me not long ago that she knew and was on chatting terms with many of the buskers, rough sleepers and drop outs on her route back through Norwich after her evening shifts. She said if any drunk or pub leaver had stepped out of line one of them would have (and had) stood up for her. It made her feel safer.

icbn2802 Tue 10-Apr-18 13:22:26

I'm a mum to girls (got 5 of them!) This is my no.4 daughter. I've done the anxious waiting up lates many times before. So this isn't something new to me...I'm just a bit worried by her attitude of 'I'll be alright' . Of course it's a good thing that she's feeling confident to be out and about but I feel she does also need to be aware that I am worried & that I have good reason to. The world's a scary place ?

humptydumpty Tue 10-Apr-18 13:31:38

icbn2802, but I have heard that people who are confident walking on their own at night are actually safer than those who look/act cowed, so that at least is in her favour.

icbn2802 Tue 10-Apr-18 13:51:51

Yes I agree humptydumpty. She's always been a bit of a stroller, hands in her pocket, not a care (seemingly) in the world. Where she gets it from....lord knows. Though her dad has a certain ' no one sh*ts on me ' kind of aura around him......not a bad thing at times, I guess ?

BBbevan Tue 10-Apr-18 16:56:11

In that case ( that would be a stretch ) I too would be concerned as to how she would get home. I think a sit down together and an honest talk is called for. Sad if she is enthusiastic about the job. But you may find a solution. Good luck

SueDonim Tue 10-Apr-18 17:57:42

Can you go to meet herself? That might work.

BlueBelle Tue 10-Apr-18 18:35:07

At 171/2 one daughter had gone to London to work and I had no idea whether she was in or out at night My son was still living at home and working a mile away ( aged 16) but going out st night, goodness knows where Third child went travelling overseas with the then boyfriend at 17 I worried horrible about them all but that is what being a mum is about
I think it’s even worse now because we hear so many horrible things I worry a lot about my grandkids when they are out and about
Get her a rape alarm to carry in her bag suggests she uses the main road no side roads or maybe bike to the station you can take the bike on most trains
Good luck

Baggs Tue 10-Apr-18 18:48:43

I think cycling to and from the station is a good idea. If she does that, please make sure she has hi-vis clothing or markers and good lights.

Let us know how tonight goes!

Baggs Tue 10-Apr-18 18:51:31

icbn2802, but I have heard that people who are confident walking on their own at night are actually safer than those who look/act cowed, so that at least is in her favour.

I second this because of what police told my parents when my teenage sister kept running away and being found walking about at night. They said she walked too purposefully to be a target. My sister was and is very small but it seems that didn't matter; it was her bearing that mattered.

Panache Wed 11-Apr-18 09:20:22

Hoping and trusting last evening went well for your daughter icbn2802........and that perhaps a good two way conversation has followed.
Please let us know how it all transpired for you both.

GabriellaG Wed 11-Apr-18 09:48:49

No buses at 10pm?

Bbbface Wed 11-Apr-18 09:56:40

How many nights a week?

If a couple, is pick her up from the station.

If more, I’d pick her up 2x a week and then taxi for remaining.

Coconut Wed 11-Apr-18 09:59:15

A self defence class would be good too. All our daughters/granddaughters should do this, it also promotes confidence. I taught all mine as it could be useful in so many areas in life that they will be venturing into.