Weddings/Funerals in particular.

I still have the dress I bought for my father's funeral in 1979 when he was the same age as I m now. I like the cut and have worn it from time to time when a formal dress seemed appropriate, not necessarily a funeral.

Regarding keeping costs down, it is possible to have an ‘out of hours’ cremation relatively cheaply. There is a company that specializes in collecting the body of the departed, supplying a coffin and delivering to a crematoium where the cremation would take place at some time early in the morning or if there is a space between other funerals (with no family or friends present). You can then collect the ashes a few days later. This costs just under £700. Then after the ashes become available the family could have a gathering (with the urn present or not) before scattering the ashes in the chosen place (there could be a cost for that depending on where it is done). Don’t be fooled into thinking a green funeral or cardboard or other eco coffin would be cheaper - they are all more expensive than the standard coffin which is up to £200. If you want catering, the family can do their own or use friends to help, likewise, if there is a service, family members and/or friends can choose the service and make their own hymn or service sheets to hand out, provide the music, and do the readings/tributes. If numbers are small this could be done at home, or a local hall could be hired. Flowers can be picked from a family garden or bought at a supermarket and tied with a bow. If you want a church service the fees are set by the diocese. The cost of a burial plot, gravedigger and council fees are set and cannot be reduced. If the deceased owned a house and there is no other money the undertaker will wait for his fee until it is sold ( assuming there is no spouse to continue living there). If the deceased has money in the bank, the bank is allowed to use it to pay the undertaker. If you have absolutely nothing you can get a grant from the DWP, no more than about £1,400, to cover burial or crematorium with no trimmings. It is best to be up front with the undertaker as to what you can afford and he will probably do the best he can. Small family undertakers are usually more flexible than the well -known chains, and some may let you pay the cost by instalments, expecially in rural areas where people know each other.

What a good idea for a thread. I can never come to terms with the cost of funerals these days. When a dear friend lost her husband at a time when they were in severe financial difficulties I did some research on her behalf. The Quaker Society ( in London if I remember correctly) have lots of advice for reducing funeral costs. Perhaps we could share any ideas we have for keeping costs down at these important 'life events'. Most of us are in limited circumstances when we get beyond retirement age.

I should have mentioned also we had a church service for my S-I-L and this was also where the funeral directors really helped us.

My experience with our local funeral directors was very positive. It had been nearly 40yrs since I my mother and father passed away within a very short space of time and the assistance I received from them couldn't have been better. I can't remember costs but know that their insurance policies covered it. I recently had to arrange my sister-in-law's funeral and, with her being an unmarried elderly lady who had made no arrangements herself, I would have really struggled without the funeral director's help. The only thing she had ever said was that she would like to be buried with her mother and father. This initially was a non-starter as there was also an infant child buried there so the local council rules would not allow this. We thought we would have had to buy a new plot but the funeral director suggested a private cremation and then burial of the ashes which he found out was permissible. We were then able to have her name inscribed on the headstone. Without the help of the funeral director we wouldn't have gone down this road. It is worry to hear the average price of a simple funeral these days - for many families £4000/5000 is a very large amount of money if there is no insurance. The cost we paid was just over £3,200 which I thought was reasonable and a lot of this went to the Crematorium, Local Council, Organist and local press.

The postings here have indeed been most interesting and quite an eye opener for me in fact.
Living in a somewhat remote country area which has in the past been very religious and a stickler for tradition, all that you have mentioned about funerals are quite an eye opener.
Yes latterly I do know the stark stiffness of a very formal occasion has changed and I do understand...........and agree ........with much that has been said.
Personally I have only had to deal with 2 sets of Funeral directors and hand on heart found both performing perfectly in the rather heartfelt,though rather sombre method perhaps expected.
But as for country funerals in the past in this area they have truly been an occasion.Possibly because there was never much going on and a death was an occasion for all to gather together in the one place.
People that are neighbours and those even in a wider circle always gathered to pay their respects at the deceased home,bringing all manner of food stuff......even chunks of raw meat!
At the Funeral itself there were great gatherings of completely black suited and coated mourners,plus hats and the Services were very sombre.
Hence my posting in the first place.
In the past Funerals ave appeared to have been almost an event!

Thankfully latter years those I have attended are very similar to the ones you mention,colourful and almost always a lovely celebration of the deceased`s life...........complete with large Photos,favourite music,pop songs,tapes,also ranging from semi religious to completely "green" and afterwards a real hearty swaree in a Hotel,the home or favourite spot.
As for my own funeral wear I have in the past always had something decent in black or grey to wear, but these days I do not own anything in black, so even in my wardrobe I have caught up with the times!!

I have`nt attended a Wedding for years but I still would be inclined to find a stunning outfit...... simply because I love clothes and it would be a pleasure and giving me that odd opportunity to go out looking around the shops.
Certainly not even thinking about choosing the most expensive, but just what I thought suited me and a must would be that it could be well worn thereafter.

I am thoroughly enjoying reading all your own thoughts so keep `em coming!!

Talking of M of B outfits, I was almost in despair before dd's wedding. The big do was in a part of France where it was likely to be hot, the do was going to be largely out of doors except for a marquee, and was not going to be very formal.
Should add that it was only in that location because we were lucky enough to have a huge, beautiful venue belonging to a relative, which we could use for free.

I live in an area with a very good shopping centre, but oh, dear - even the personal shoppers in the big stores inc. John Lewis were unable to come up with anything. I did NOT want a typical M of B outfit - I just wanted a nice dress that would not be too hot - nothing too short or too figure hugging, or sleeveless.

There was nothing - although there were plenty of dresses I'd have loved if I were still under 45-ish, not late 60s, and still a size 10, instead of a 12-14.
I finally found something online, but I really was getting a bit desperate.

My best wedding outfit was. Phase 8 silk dress bought at. Charity shop in a remote part of the country. It was a current style still with the shop labels on and £3!
I matched it with an unworn pair of shoes, £6 from eBay ( they retailed at £250). I’ve worn them at two weddings.

When my DS got married I bought an expensive ensemble and wore the dress once to another wedding. But I gave someone else a chance of an eBay bargain and sold the whole ensemble for £40.

If an out fit looks good once ,it looks good twice or thrice as well!,

What does it matter if family or friends do recognise that you are wearing the same dress you wore to a previous wedding - including the same accessories? Who ever remembers what someone is wearing at a wedding, even with photographs, unless of course they are wearing the same as you or you look a positive fright and everyone is giggling at what you chose to wear, anyway.

You don’t need to buy new clothes for a funeral. It is easy to buy a formal dress for funerals and just keep it until the next one comes around. I think the same probably goes for weddings unless they are all for family members who will know what you wear to the others . Even then it all depends on whether you care what others think or not. I am wearing the same dress I wore to a wedding last year to a different wedding this year and I shall just accessorise it with different
shoes and jacket.

Granny23 - yes! They're not as respectable as they like to think!
At sale time a teacher showed her new boots in the staff room and boasted that she'd swapped the sticky price tag to get them cheaper. She saw shocked faces and said 'Well, you'd do the same wouldn't you?'
The only person to reply said 'I certainly wouldn't tell anyone if I had!'

I am in no way approving of or recommending this type of behaviour but over the years I have heard of several people who were perfectly 'respectable' but thought this was just a bit of a laugh and boasted about it. If the dress or whatever does get stained then they just keep it but if it still looks like new they take it back for a refund or swap. The other ploy is to open a seam or some such and take it back as faulty. They see it as a victim-less crime, not realising that stores raise their prices because of these ploys and shoplifting.

Granny23 I worked with someone who used to do this kind of thing regularly (not as MOB as she was too young!). Very dishonest.

Granny23
I'm impressed that the lying MoB kept her outfit free of creases, sweat/antiperspirant, crumbs, and wine all day!

However I think that's awful, she could have hired an outfit or found a 'pre-loved' one. My last wedding hat, bought at JL at full price when an aunt insisted I should wear one, went to two family weddings. Then someone asked for a lilac wedding hat on Freegle. It was lovely to see her face when she collected it and found it really was the colour and style she'd hoped for! I hope she enjoyed wearing it then, in turn passed it on!

When my Mum died two years ago, I requested those who would like to come to the funeral to wear something Red. Most wore a piece of jewellery or a tie and one wore a red dress. This was in support of the heart foundation where I sent all donations. Only family contributed to one beautiful bouquet of flowers my Mum loved. I tried to represent my Mum by some symbolism special to her. At the end of the day, unless a person has specific requests, those left behind make arrangements as thoughtful as we can. I hope that helps.

ThreexNanny And I know of one MoB who took the outfit home to 'try on and check that it matched', returning it to the shop on the Monday (after the wedding) saying that the Bride 2 B didn't like it.

This was recently, after they stopped having wedding photos in the local paper.

My husband died a year ago - April 2017 - and I wore black pants with a simple cream silk blouse which had a tiny floral pattern on it. The day of his funeral was a beautiful May sunny day with blue skies and a warm breeze. Friends commented on how nice my outfit was and there have been two funerals since then. I have never worn the outfit again.

My DH died in winter and we requested no black for his funeral. I then realised that my winter wardrobe was almost entirely black and had to try to find a bright top to wear, not that easy when winter clothes tend to be muted colours. Looking back now I think how he would have laughed at me!

I've heard of lots of M of the B getting their outfits on ebay and one recently who wore a dress from Asda. All looked good.
Also know of a couple who looked around at new outfits for themselves to wear to a family wedding then decided the expense was too much, and wore what they had then gave the unspent money to the newlyweds. Brilliant idea.

Have found my best fit with various labels ..... Then straight onto eBay ..... Haven't paid full price for years ...

I've got 2 smart suits, one black and one grey, that I wear to funerals. Unfortunately I have had a fair few funerals to attend in recent years and have taken to calling my grey suit 'my funeral suit'! I've had both for about 20+ years but they do not look at all dated - timeless classics maybe. Rarely been to weddings and wouldn't buy an outfit anyway - I'd just find a nice dress or suit to wear from existing wardrobe.

I tend to wear sober colours for funerals (such as grey or navy) as I don't possess anything in black as it is one my least favourite colours.
For weddings I obviously choose something jollier in a pastel shade but as I'm not 'significant' enough for it to matter I don't buy anything new. I feel that a smart top and trousers is quite enough, frankly.

Apologies as I haven't read the whole thread (in Africa with a dodgy connection) but I just want to say that I give little thought to what I am going to wear at funerals because IT'S NOT ABOUT ME!
That applies to weddings too but I do try to look my best. Within my means that is!

For my New Zealand Son's wedding I bought not much a bias cut, double layered fantastic dress in Navy Blue, for DS2 wedding I teamed two separate ensembles - could not wear the same outfit as DS1 - for DD wedding in London was allowed to release my inner hippy and dress accordingly. DS3 does not appear to follow his sibling's footsteps. For DS1 wedding I went to a bridal shop and was appalled at the idiotic prices for something that was not going to be comfortable, refused to feel guilty and not bankrupt. Dress I finally found is worn fairly often but, together with a number of other long dresses, needs 2 - 3 inches lopping off because I have shrunk!

What do folk think about the Bride's Mother clad in white taffeta? I am not a fan.