Paternal Nannie

Granny Wars (even if they are only in your heart) are something to be avoided at all costs. We can only offer our services and they will be taken up or not.

I hope the new arrival appears safe and well,

Thomsnannie you say you are not being competitive but refer to the maternal/paternal grandparent hot potato

I am afraid your posts all exude competitiveness and feeling you are playing less of a role in your DGCs’ lives than their other granny.

Once a week is pretty good going and there is the risk that if you upset your DIL it may become less frequent. You will have to be patient and perhaps cultivate other interests as you do seem a tiny bit fixated on your role as a grandmother.

The title of the thread says it all really - paternal nannie. Your posts suggest you feel sidelined, or less valued and involved than the maternal grandmother. There are so many similar threads on gransnet, suggesting a competitive relationship between the grandparents.
Often times, the maternal grandmother and daughter in law are seen as the villains of the piece.
Remember the power of positive thinking and try not to dwell in self pity

I have never experienced this sort of competition either. I think your DIL could perhaps be more thoughtful to you? Certainly her mother should realise that you are both equal grandparents?

I always make sure my ‘other half’ is included as much as me with the grandkids. When my youngest had hers I picked up her mother in law and brought her to the hospital. She kept behind me asking is she could hold baby after me.
who had first cuddle didn’t matter to me but to her it meant everything as it was her first. So I just stepped aside.

I am appalled at how selfish people can be (reading on here) a little more consideration would solve all the jealousy issues.

But OP. just bite your tongue for time being. Am sure with two little ones running about your help will be much appreciated in the future.

If your DS and DiL feel they can cope that’s good surely. The more routine and normal things are for your DGS the better and easier it is for him to accept the new family setup.

My DD2 has a great deal of support from her parents in law as DGD is their only grandchild but we still picked her up occassionally from nursery for a treat and now take her out and have her for sleep-overs. To her, we are the special treat GPs not the routine, everyday ones. It works well that way. Enjoy your GC and just be there if needed. Its not worth stressing over.

I always used to tell my children " Take what you get, and don't get upset". It applies to almost all situations, including the grandparenting one. I have GCs with my son and my daughter - the amount of time spent is different but I never complain or worry about it. I take what I get, and I don't get upset !

Spending time and doing ordinary things – collecting them from nursery, pushing the swing in the park, reading a bedtime story – with your grandchildren is a joy and a privilege. Sometimes, the joy and privilege is postponed when there is a newborn addition to the family and this can be for any number of reasons. Unless you are very, very old, you are likely have a lot of years to spend with both your grandchildren; it doesn't all have to happen instantly.

I was present when my first grandchild was born but didn't meet the next two until she was three and he was two. Then when the next two came along, I didn't meet them until they were three and two. I was around for the birth of number five, but because I lived far away I didn't see him again until he was two and very shy about strangers – and I was, of course, a stranger. By the time number six was born, I was living in the same country as my daughter and her family. But all my grandchildren have a loving and joyous relationship with me – and I with them. Just make the most of the time you do have with them and both they and you will find that immensely rewarding.

Adding to what others have said. Four of my grandchildren live a long way from me and have grandparents living close by that they see frequently but I AM the fun grandma- who they only see now and again so naturally we do lots of fun things! My others who live close by get the “parenting” granny. “No we can’t go to zoo etc we need to do shopping/cleaning/homework etc. You get the picture?

My own children had grandparents in Scotland where we lived but my own mother lived in England and they formed more of a bond with her than the granny on the doorstep.

It really is HOW you are rather than proximity

I wanted to be needed too, but it seems I am not. I'm the paternal grandmother and absolutely adore my little granddaughter. I get on pretty well with her mother, who is doing a fantastic job, but I'd so love to be more involved. I kind of feel a bit hurt and as if I'm not trusted or something, which I think is silly and a bit childish of me really, but I can't seem to help feeling like this. I keep having to give myself a stern talking to! I think I might be in danger of annoying my son's partner, who is a lovely person who I really like, if I keep harping on about wanting to see more of the baby and offering to mind her and so on, which is something I want to avoid, but it isn't easy. The baby is now in a day nursery 3 days a week since her Mum went back to work part time, and I do feel a bit hurt that she's there and not with me for some of that time. We don't live far away. I know I can't do anything about this, since it's the parents' decision, but I can't help feeling a bit cast aside, really. I'm trying very hard not to be so stupid, as I would be devastated if I caused any kind of falling out with the baby's mother.

My son has married an American girl and they live in Colorado. They have two children now, aged 3 1/2 and 1, obviously I rely on Skype to keep in touch. I became aware that my grandson did not know who I was when we skyped, after all, he was only 1 when he last met me. So when I went to visit last summer when my new granddaughter was 6 weeks old ( I felt that was early enough to visit for two weeks!) I set myself two objectives! One was to help my DIL get into a routine with the baby by nursing her after she was breast fed while her mummy had a nap - this worked well and my DIL was delighted with my help. My other objective was that my grandson would get to know me so that in future Skype calls, he would relate to me. This also worked well and now when we call each week, he enjoys chatting to me and showing me his toys, I am no longer a stranger on the phone! His other grandmother lives close by so obviously sees them frequently but she was really tactful when I was visiting to keep away, allowing me the space to be alone with my family.

I just wish I could see them more often so I could have cuddles and hugs from them but I have to make the best of the situation. I am really anxious about flying so I am not sure when I will go again, I will probably send them the money for them to visit me!

Are you saying you have gone ahead and booked a lodge anyway,despite what your daughter in law said?

If so then I think you need to tread carefully here. As others have said, it will be obvious to your family that you won't stay in the lodge during the day, but will want to be with them for most of the time.

This is despite daughter in law telling you she will be fine (would prefer to be) on her own.

I find, as a paternal GM, that after my Dil had her second baby, I was needed more. GM1 couldn't cope!

I agree with BlueBelle things are rarely as perfect as we would think. Accept what your daughter in law wants, its their life and family. We want our children to be independent and able to cope with life so allow them to do that.
I too have been saddened by all the estrangement issues on GN. Grandparents should have their own lives and interests as well as helping the family when needed.

I haven't read all the comments, but don't want you to be upset thinking you are left out. You want to be a part of gs life picking him up from nursery these last few days but remember for his mother and your Dil this is her last week's to pick him up as her only child? If it was me I would want to make the most of our remaining days as mother and son before the new baby comes and wouldn't want to have to host and share with either Grandma? I am sure you will be asked to help more with gs when new baby is born but let the mum have her last week's with her son without being upset and hurt. Remember she is probably hormonal and worrying about him being left out so wanting to make the most of their time together?

We are 200 miles from our DGC. We drove up once the baby arrived. The new parents had more than enough to cope with during labour without a lot of spare grandparents getting in the way. Second time around, the other Grandma, who lives a few miles away, looked after No 1, which she was already doing one day a week anyway.

In each case we booked into a hotel and went home after a couple of days. I think grandparents these days often have over inflated ideas about how important they are and I can quite understand it when new parents want some clear water around themselves while they adjust to their new or expanded family.

When I had children I welcomed grandparents to visit as soon as they could to see their new and much loved grandchildren, but then I wanted them to go home and leave me and DH to adjust to our new life together and alone - and that is exactly what they did.

Young mothers can feel overwhelmed by relatives crowding in. I have 2 sons and 2 daughters 10 grand children. Maternal grandmothers are always closer. That's the way it is. A mil should always be helpful on the terms a mothers wants. She should not feel crowded or o obligated. Jealousy is7 the worst emotion. Some of the children i hardly see but when. I do its lovl ey. I know its easy for me but each family has its own dynamic. Your relationship with your dil should not be one of expectations. You will drive e a wedge. Love and enjoy what you v
Get and more will come. Mothers.
Can And will shut the door if you push it

I don’t post often but have a read most days. I’m always amazed at the number of people who relate their own happy experiences in those same situations where the original poster is having difficulty. What help is that? Also I do believe that we ourselves have the solution in most cases because we all deal with things in different ways.

Thomsnannie2 - I don't think you are sounding competitive, just a little left out and the other grannie sounds very insensitive and rude; taking him out of the room when you're talking to him! How very dare she! Anyway, wouldn't a quiet word with your son help? Just tell him you'd love to pick up Thomas one day, maybe before the birth in any case. I live 35 mins from my DD and often 'pop up' to pick the girls up from school with my DD. Maybe you should establish a routine of doing that whether other GM is there or not.

35 minutes is absolutely nothing. I am a single gran and regularly drive one hour to my son's place and back for a day visit, as do they to me. My other son is 20 minutes away. I really do not see a problem here. When needed just jump in the car and go!

I’m with sodapop

I hope that the OP was exaggerating when she said that she was ‘crying inside’

We should bring our children up to have their own lives and families and it’s great when we are included, but honestly you have to get some interests of your own and 35 minutes away is nothing, it takes me that long to get to the supermarket.

It sounds as though DIL has a lot on her plate at the moment, mentally and physically.

I would suggest that you help them in the way they have asked, an then return home after. She is probably feeling very anxious about the birth and may be concerned that if you are in a very nearby hotel you would expect to spend more time with them than she wants at the moment and she may not want to have people around her. Do what she needs for now, she has a hard task up ahead!

Tread carefully here. You say you booked the hotel because they have “a 50 mins drive to the hospital on top of the 35 minutes you would take to get to them”. Sounds to me as if you are questioning the arrangement the expectant parents have made. It’s up to them how long they think they need to get to the hospital. In the nicest way, it’s actually not your business. Of course baby may not arrive until the other GPs return from holday .......

Mernice. So agree with your comment. I’ve often felt the same . Usually accompanied by the rather unkind thought “well bully for you!”.

Grannies on here continually complain about their Ds in L for the lack of contact with their grandchildren when they should be blaming their sons for not ensuring his parents have as equal access as the maternal grandparents. Also, I wonder how many treated their own Ms in L with equality! In general, daughters will usually gravitate towards their own mothers. What would you think of a woman who pushed her own mother out in favour of the M in L.

Blimey. I live 250 miles away from my grandkids. Can’t stand the other grannie and neither can my daughter. So she’s stuck with the grannie from hell and I’m stuck 250 miles away. You just have to get on with it and love ‘em when you can. The amount of time doesn’t matter it’s the quality of love you share with them. It was my birthday yesterday and I got a card from the grandkids “to the best grandma in the world” signed by each one of them. I’ve got the best grandkids in the world. Distance doesn’t make any difference to that.