Paternal Nannie

thomsnannie please be aware that not all is ever as it seems to the onlooker. As paternal Granny it seemed that maternal Granny was very much favoured but in actual fact she was just a steam roller causing much angst and if wishes were facts she would not be much in evidence at all.
Always best to forget about 'her' and concentrate on your own relationships within the family and if that means waiting to be asked in all circumstances then that is what you do. Remember that DGC grow up and it might even be they who ask for you if you have the right relationship with them.
The dangers in seeing grannying as competition are truly corrosive.

As my family are the other side of the world I was not in the position of 'being on tap' for what many grans and maybe gramps see as part of being grandparents.
I do not know given choice whether I would have been so 'available'. To be told, not required to look after ones grandchildren / do the school run any more is seen by some as rejection they feel pushed out. Is there nothing else in your life. ? We cannot live our lives through our children and grandchildren. I would, without hesitation, drop all were the situation to arise but draw the line on waiting to be 'needed'. We have to have a life of our own or what else is there once you become not needed.

Genuine question here: do many grandmothers have the expectation that they will be "needed" and will be "helping to care for new babies" when the grandkids are born? If so, can anyone explain why? It's different if a new mom has twins or even more, but one reasonably fit and sensible woman should be able to cope with one baby, with just her husband to help. Husbands do so much more these days than they used to do. Many DILs are not even going to realise that MIL was expecting to help, and may even interpret constant offers of help as "she doesn't think I can look after my own baby."

OP, I would suggest you spend less time appearing to focus on the grandkids, and more time "spoiling" your DIL and son. Tell your DIL you're available if necessary, but that you know she's got this, and give her gift cards to some of her favourite "spoiling" kind of shops. Give your son something special too.

Every time you talk to them, ask them how they are first, before you ask about the children. If you want to go on an outing, some time after the baby is born, find something DIL would love, and suggest you and she go together when her son is at nursery, your treat. (of course, she would need to bring the baby, but don't make it about that.) Tell her you just want to do something nice for her. If she agrees, and has a nice time, she is more likely to invite you along some other time, when the whole family is there.

Don't make your relationship with your son's family all about the grandkids. You were a mother first, and still should be.

Excellent post oldmum.

when I had my second everyone thought I would want a "break" from my eldest and I had lots of well meaning offers of picking her up and taking her out for the day so I could rest with baby.

This was not what I needed or wanted! I wanted us to bond together as a new family of 4! I didnt want my eldest out of the way. I continued to do the nursery run the day after having no2.

My MIL got it "right" and just visited us as a 4 and didnt try to insist that I "needed" no1 taken away from under my feet all day like everyone else did.

I also felt a bit sad for no2 that she was getting no attention because everyone thought that DD1 "needed" to be spoilt so she didnt get jealous. She just needed to be with us and enjoy her new sister!

Seconded * danceswithothers* and oldmom there are so many good points in there. It really is 'their time' when they become parents and to be included on odd occasions is a privilege and a joy.
I really appreciate my 'alone time' with my DH, the love of my life. So glad that my DS and DDIL are so happy and good together too.

I think there must be something wrong with me! I have no desire to be ‘ needed’ by my family, and I’m confident they can make their own decisions, but will approach us with a specific request when necessary.
I worked with families for many years, and it’s amazing how situations are viewed differently from both sides. Offers of help can sometimes be construed as implying that the parents can’t cope without your input, depending on how your relationship with your children has been. I’d be inclined to let it be known that you’re there if needed.

Its very hard, having just given birth, when some people decide that the help you need is the help THEY want to give.

You might not need or want help, you mighy need normality, or you might need lots of help

but being TOLD what help you are going to get, rather than asked what help you want or need (in my case, just company! and a bit of cooing over the new baby) can feel very stressful when youre already emotional & vulnerable from the birth

Its a good questionoldmum why do we expect to be needed and on hand, I suspect it goes back one or maybe two generations, when nappies and indeed all washing had to be done by hand and cooking was very different from today Gran or a female relative was very useful. Mum was expected to be out of action for 10 days at least, earlier a month, if possible. Husbands had less to do with the new infant and more babies were born at home. Somehow this idea has gone on into the modern age of washing machines, ready made meals and hands on husbands? Its the parents choice

oldmom your post is wonderful. I think we need to start giving new mums a little bit more credit.

I really would enjoy some peace and quite while you can.

They will soon come running to you when they want babysitting etc.

I found that now I am in my seventies, with a two year old grandson, my energies are very limited. You just wait and see.
To be honest, I am glad when they have all gone home and I have to reach for the painkillers to ease my aching back.

So, don’t fret. I am sure your services will be required at some point. Just be patient and bide your time.

I read this with time old understanding. I've been through this and the heartache of being paternal Gran . Get used to it and accept the crumbs it hurts me inside but pride prevailed with me and my husband and we got on with our lives. We visit and inbetween work and have our own lives I wouldn't upset any of my sons so say Nothing anymore.

Oldmum sometimes it’s the dil parents who are the instigators of problems. They get jealous of anyone getting too close to their daughter and start criticising the paternal grandparents to their daughter and encourage her not to like them. I’ve sen this time and time again. Sometimes no matter how much you try it’s never good enough and you as a mother are trampled on

If you are close to your son are you able to have a little heart to heart with him, just between the 2 of you ? Just so that he knows that you do feel a little left out because of proximity etc and ask if he could please bear that in mind with any arrangements/help that is needed. Reiterate the respect you have for any choices they make of course, but you are allowed to acknowledge your feelings.

You are a lucky gran. Our only two GC live the other side of the USA. We get a skype once a month whereas their other GPs live locallly to them , and have 12 other GC. We are envious but just have to live with it. If money was no object it would be different!

Don't feel hurt, I'm sure nothing cruel is meant at all. I would do anything and everything in my power if I could see my dgc more than once a year. But distance is too hard. Love every second of your time with them. I feel I have missed so so much x