I need an outside perspective on this from people who are not close to the situation or either party, please.
I have a three year old, a two year old, and a third child due in August. We live in a two bed one bath bungalow a few doors down from my parents. We also have a beloved large and now quite elderly dog. I will not consider rehoming him.
Our accommodation was bought when we had no children and had been told not to expect any. It is now frankly overcrowded. We have been talking about moving for over a year, but the arrival of a third child makes this necessary sooner rather than later.
We offered on a house a couple of streets away this week, but despite offering well over the valuation, we were still seriously outbid. We are going for a second viewing of a very similar but larger home in a very nice area two miles away this weekend. The sellers have had their buyers withdraw suddenly and are very keen to sell ASAP at a very reasonable price. I like this house a lot more than the one we offered on - the other one had the advantage of being in our current location but was otherwise smaller and had a worse layout for a small family.
My mum has absolutely blown her stack over this.
She has had a full meltdown and accused me of abandoning her. My father is trying to strongarm me into not moving bt saying she will be completely alone (he chooses to work seventy hours a week plus overnights away in retirement because he says he cannot stand to be with her), that I am ending her relationship with her grandchildren, and that she might kill herself. I consider it exceptionally unlikely that she would try to harm herself. She has a number of serious and untreated mental illnesses that my father forbids her to seek treatment for, or for us to encourage her to seek treatment. She is in any case implacably opposed to treatment.
This house is literally two miles away over well traveled toads. My mother literally drives past it at least once a week on her way to the supermarket. During the three plus years her grandchildren have lived three doors away, she has agreed to visit our home three times on Christmas Day only. All other visits must take place at her home. She has also said I may no longer visit her home once the third is born as this is “too much” for her. I can only visit if my father is present, which due to him continually absenting himself is not often. At most I am permitted to come once a week. I have had three difficult high risk pregnancies and she refuses in any circumstances to babysit so that I might go to appointments. I am missing a number as a result as my husband is very difficult about moving his work commitments so I can go. I am trying to make at least one a week.
I explain all this to contextualise that the amount she sees the children will literally not change if we move as I have given an undertaking to keep bringing them for the one allowed visit per week. I can drive and again, I am travelling only two miles.
I can only describe the past few days as a shower of abuse, including her screaming at me in front of my very elderly and frail grandmother and the children yesterday during a visit to my granny for her birthday.
She thinks I should by the first three bedroom house in this area available and tell my eldest two they must share a bedroom in perpetuity. I do not think that we have the resources as a family to allow each child their own bedroom that this is fair or reasonable. I was not expected to share with my own brother as a child.
If I have missed anything out, it is because she phoned during this post to say that I will have post natal depression if I move. I have a history of depressive illness that she did not allow me to seek treatment for as a teenager but was very successfully treated a number of years ago. I have been entirely well for almost a decade and proactively monitor my mood with my antenatal team. I found this line of attack hurtful and my train of thought has gone somewhat off the rails.
She has no friends and has never worked since I was born. She does not visit her sister or small niece who she encouraged to move to the neighbouring street. She does not suffer from any agoraphobia and enjoys driving. She is able to go shopping frequently and to either the hair salon or beauty salon once a week. Her physical health is excellent.
Is it me, ladies? Am I being unreasonable? I just don’t have the perspective I need about this decision. And I need to make it this weekend.
Will obviously answer any further questions as required. Please be honest with me, I am really struggling here.
gummybears Fri 20-Apr-18 12:22:24
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