To move house

Stans, I am no longer welcome on mumsnet because I stated that I would not go completely no contact with mum and dad.

I have thought long, long and hard about this over the years and I don’t feel able to do it. The view of my fellow posters was that I was refusing to help myself and there was no other solution to the issues.

I would probably feel better if there was less frequent contact. The visits are ok because the littles are there but the daily phonecalls I absolutely dread.

Maw, I needed that badly, thank you sincerely.

Move! Soon!

It's your little family that matters more than anything else. They come first. What your parents do is their concern.

Your mum is playing the guilt card big time and manipulating you big time. I doubt will follow through on any of her threats - she'd be the looser. Give in now and you may well be in danger of loosing what you have.

To my mind two miles is the minimum distance to move, further may be worth serious consideration!

Gummybears I think you would be better talking to Mumsnet as your problems are so diverse. They may see things differently and have a more proactive attitude . You seem mired in awkward relationships with your mother , husband ,mother in law ,infertility and difficult third pregnancy and now a house move.

Gummybears it's your life with hubbie and children. Move for your families sake. It's not for you to always support your mum, your father also needs to take responsibility in helping your mum to get help.
Reading your thread I get the impression that they don't support you so why should you feel guilty in supporting them less than they want. You only come this way once.

Just tell the children that it isn’t convenient, they will soon get used to the term, make some cakes or a card with them, and take them with you next time you pay a visit ( freeze the cakes) that way they will be occupied and won’t keep worrying you with requests to visit, or set a certain day week or fortnight, then they will know that today isn’t ‘The ‘ day.

It seems that the more you give your Mother the more she wants and demands, no one can continue like that, you will be sucked dry and then what will happen? it’s time to concentrate on your little ones, your OH and of course yourself.

Good Grief - I don't think two miles is far enough! Seriously - this is your life, go for it! It sounds like whatever you do it will never be considered "enough" so stop trying to please everyone else. You are perfectly entitled to enjoy your own little family.

You absolutely must move to the house which you think will suit you and your family best. Maybe moving two miles away you will meet new friends and perhaps you will have reasonable neighbours who will babysit in an emergency. You have to get away from that toxic environment.

I am in agreement with Maw, two miles is not far enough away, what a nightmare. Good luck, remember it is your life, not your mother's.

I am thirty six. (the children came late, against all hope, but abundantly!)

Situpstraight, I think I needed to hear that. Thank you. I still feel like I am “disobeying” them.

I work so hard to try and make her happy and give her what she wants from our relationship, but I feel like I don’t even know what that is any more. For years I was a failure to her because she had no grandchildren. Now she doesn’t want to see them except solely and absolutely on her terms.

I hate telling them that they can’t see Grandma when they are asking to. I admit I lie and say she is very tired, or feeling sick. I don’t think I can tell them any sort of the truth. I don’t know if I would know where to start.

This is a no- brainer and I hope the support you are getting here will help you to do what is right for you and your family
One or two points
Your mother is not your responsibility while she still has your father. Don’t be browbeaten, he is abrogating his responsibility.
Two miles is nothing, you are not emigrating.
(Two miles could even be too close if I am being honest)

Now, forgive me if I have confused you with somebody else, but if I am right you suffered and survived an unhappy, abusive childhood. Your mother’s mental health issues may have been the reason, but are not an excuse.
Consequently, you owe her nothing . Harsh I know and I am never normally the type of person to take this attitude.
I am amazed you have even contemplated letting her look after your little ones.
I am not advocating going “no contact” but you and your OH must stick to your guns and do what is right for your children and each other.
Cynically I do wonder (but not much) why your father chooses to work such long hours in his retirement.
You are being dumped on, stay strong, don’t get into arguments and let your OH back you up.
Very best of luck.

gummybear you don’t say how old you are, but I’m guessing that you are fairly young and still at the age where you feel guilty for whatever happens to your parents, but, as you say, you now have your own family to think about.

It might be time to take a deep breath and help yourself to realise that you are not your parents parent, to stop feeling that their lives and happiness depend on you and that they are old enough to come to terms with their choices.

The time has come to step away from all of their problems and get yourself organised for the move, because they obviously have serious problems, but they are not yours to take on or solve.

It’s going to be hard because you are their ‘buffer’ - time to make them sort themselves out. TBH your Father shouldn’t be making you feel responsible for keeping his marriage together.

Quite frankly, just reading your letter and all its various dilemnas I am shell shocked, and probably not even able to think straight.
You certainly have a host of semi related problems on your hands, and of course now with both a third child almost due whilst you yourself have your own mental issues, the whole scenario is truly mind boggling.
However, as far as I can see it, this is not your fault as you seem to have not only conquered your mental issues despite no family help,plus you seem to be taking a sensible view of your life with three children to rear over the next considerable time.
Two miles distance is absolutely no distance at all,whilst if this house is not only your preference, but will cater well for your entire family,I cannot see why all this aggro ..............other than from a seriously demanding mother.... whom sadly thinks just of herself and is not ready to see and understand your needs and point of view.
It seems to me, you really have to put your own family`s needs first, and I wish you luck in obtaining this new home soon.
Whilst perhaps once the deed is done your mother will realise that she is very much in the wrong, and she will,in time,come around to seeing common sense and that this home is indeed well within her visiting distance ...........if only she makes the effort.
Altogether a very upsetting story and I can but wish you well from all aspects, and I hope this whole business eventually works out and proves you right.

Thank you ladies.

I just find the blame crushing. My father has told me since infancy that he expects me “to keep your mother happy and look after her”. He went away overnight last night to go to a social function and gave me a speech before leaving about “being aware of your responsbilities to your mother, its not about you and the weans”.

He and I have argued about this a lot since my eldest was born; I feel that as he chooses to remain married to her he is not entitled to totally offload the emotional labour of caring for her onto me. I have (almost) three other little people to do everything for.

Go for it! You are not emigrating, it's yor life. Good luck.

Move, don’t let your Mother manipulate you.

If something like this tips her over the edge, then believe me, you and your family are not the problem.

I hope you get the house and love it!

No sorry, I am married. My husband has wanted to move away from mum for a while because although I try not to be affected by her blowups, at least once a week she is really bad and it does get to me.

He has also resented for a long time that she is not willing to help out even in emergencies. I have had to refuse emergency hospital admission a number of times over the years because she would not hold on to the little ones for half an hour until he got home from work. She also will not see us at all if she “suspects we have a cold” as she is extremely careful about her health.

This is partly what I meant about an outside perspective, he tries his hardest to support me in trying to maintain any relationship with her but obviously from his point of view, it brings a lot of grief into his life.

Buy the house. It's your family that counts, not your mother. You don't mention a husband/partner, are you having to make this decision alone?
You say you like the house, you can afford it, and it is only 2 miles away. What's not to like