Younger generation, I just don't understand them anymore.

To all you lovely ladies who have replied and I haven't managed to respond to you individually, thanks for the words of advice, sympathy and sometimes criticism, it has all helped and pleased to say we have been together and things are ok again. I do sometimes think all this texting and messaging has stopped us being able to communicate the same as we did when I was young. Also, we never knew what the next person was up to unless we lived right next to them. I remember only seeing my mum once a week, unless there was a special occasion to be celebrated, and we would spend a good couple of hours catching up and telling each other all the news from both sides and it was lovely. Nowadays, I might only see my kids once a week, but will know what they have been up to because of social media ect, so not so much to talk about when we do see each other.
I am turning into one of these 'oh, for the good old days lol'.

Silverlining, I get you so much, the comment you made about the eggshells was so true. It can be so hard sometimes, to be there when they need you, then to step away when everything seems to be going okay.
We are fine again for now, but no doubt there will be another occasion when one of us will say the wrong thing to the other. Wonder if it's just a mother/daughter thing or whether folk with sons have the same? So glad, we have a safe place like this to vent now and again!

DeeWBW, we are moving onto an urbanisation about 15 mins from the nearest beaches. We did want the inland, whitewashed, traditional Spanish village until we tried living for a week where no one spoke or understood English. It was very, very hard mentally and so decided we needed to listen to our head, not our heart.

Icanhandthemback, we are such complex humans. It is sometimes 'do as I say, not as I do', then we change our minds and it will be something else.
If your daughter does decide to move up to Scotland, I hope she moves somewhere there are good travel connections. We live in the NE of Scotland and planning a journey anywhere can be a nightmare unless you drive!

Sarah Ellen Whitney, you are spot on and am going to try and be so busy having a good life that when we do converse, it will be all positivity. Thank you xx

Sarahcyn, it definitely wasn't meant as a criticism, I was concerned she was doing too much.
Sorry to hear about your relationship with your MIL, she's maybe trying to show admiration rather than being judgemental.

Coast35, you are so right, the written word can come across so different from the vocal word. I think we were both having a bad day. Life isn't easy for her and I am getting stressed about our move, not a good combination!

Hi Telly, thanks for your reply. I do think myself that I worry too much about my girls and I need to step back, one reason I want to move away, then I won't know what's going on so much. I have to admit, I hardly saw my mum once I left home as she moved away from the city we lived in and didn't come back until quite a few years later, then we would visit once a week.
Being a parent can be so hard sometimes, and it doesn't stop when they grow up.
Without trying to make any excuses, but I do think coming from a dysfunctional family in the first place has made it harder to know 'how' to be a mum. I think I probably over compensate for my relationship with my mum.
I have seen my daughter again and we just carried on as normal, as though nothing had been said. I need to maybe think a bit more about what I am saying to them, especially through a text or message as they are so easily misconstrued.
Thanks again xx

Times have changed I'm afraid. Our adult children are more independent these days. I think you need to start thinking more of yourself and letting your daughter look after her own family. Be there to add support by all means but let her know you have a life outside of her family.

I know exactly how you feel and you have all my sympathy! I would say I have a great relationship with my daughter (40) but in the last couple of years we have both had stressful times. There have been so many tears on her part and I have listened to her heartbreak many times. But recently her sharp replies have really caught me off guard. I know she doesn't mean to be uncaring or critical but it can be hurtful and confusing. I know it comes from her stressed state so I try not to question it but sometimes those eggshells I'm tip toeing on are sharp!

You say your daughter originally hated the idea of you moving away then warmed to it I wonder if she really warmed to it, or hid it for your sake and now it’s getting nearer is really nervous about it Yes she will see it as an abandonment and there are no right and wrongs some people can do it, some can’t. Your relationship will change no matter how much you don’t want it to it cannot stay the same I wonder if she is unknowingly pulling away a bit to make the split more bearable
I think our children have a much more pressurised life than our generation I know when I got divorced it was quite unusual and no one in the extended family on either side had ever divorced before and most had lived in their childhood town near their families

It sounds like you caught her at a really bad moment when she was stressed, tired and fed-up.

Being single mother in a job she dislikes is tough and now being forced to work overtime despite actually reducing her hours sounds terribly stressful - so I can see why someone saying - why aren't you getting a day off?/don't overwork - rubbed her the wrong way when she has no choice but to work extra hours at the moment.

I think that the move is probably unsettling her as well. With the best will in the world you will no longer be on hand for crises and emergencies. It is one of the trade-offs that we accept when we move abroad. I live abroad and didn't make it home when my Dad died. Although it was only a 2 hour flight it took a whole day (find a flight, get to airport, check in hours before flight, flight itself and travel at other end). I'm sure it will be fine in the end but a big change when she is used to you close at hand.

From experience, moving to Spain will only be a good idea if you are right in the heart of tourist Spain (The south ad south-east coast and anything that begins with 'Costa'), as it will appear to be a cheap holiday in the sun. If it's not tourist Spain, you will be digging a hole for yourself, as regards to visitors.

Your dd was probably tired and stressed out at having to do so much extra work as well as coping with a 3 year old and older children who can be quite demanding at times. She knows she has no option this week and then you tell her don't be doing too much work and tiring yourself out. She probably over reacted as she was tired. She could also be a bit worried about you moving to Spain and knowing she will lose her cover in case of emergencies. I expect she will have forgotten about it by now and be surprised that you have not.

That line: "I'm an adult now" can be used both ways. Mothers could tell their adult daughters where to go, when they're looking for help - aren't they now adults. They don't usually, as it can be very hurtful. It seems on this page that there is always an excuse for young mothers lashing out as they are busy. I'd say life has challenges for all ages.

Texts are a very unforgiving medium when trying to be light and supportive.

I think your daughter's comment that she is an adult is the relevant one here.
It was a very minor thing that led me to have to have words with my mother. I was married, with 2 children, and living quite a way from where she did. She called to tell me she had sent a wedding present to a distant cousin in my name, as she knew I would forget. I had to point out she had no right to do things in my name. I hadn't forgotten, but since he had not sent anything even a card when I got married, I had not had any intention of bothering. She was quite hurt at the time, but, having had a think about it, apologised to me, and tried very hard not to do it again

Sounds like you don't feel too well yourself and things are always worse. Busy working women with children don't always have time to do anything other than state the facts. Try and give each other a little breathing space. Don't take it too personally.

Magicwriter I have sent you a "pm" to your in box about Spanish move.

I expect you caught your daughter at the wrong moment but I would take heed of her comments that she is an adult now. Perhaps when she reminds you of that fact, you could turn it around with a light hearted comment of, "I know but I can't stop caring," or "You'll be able to get your own back when I go through my second childhood in old age!"
Maybe your daughter does feel a little hurt you are moving so far away. My step-daughter's mother was talking about moving away to another country and, although my SD had moved 250 miles away, she was still a bit hurt that her mother would do that.
I've stayed where I am because my disabled daughter "needs me" so you can imagine my face when she came back from Scotland after a few days away and said she was thinking of moving up there. I'd give her my blessing though but I wouldn't follow.

Just think in the days before texts etc you would have had to wait for your daughter to get home before you could contact her, texts are notorious for turning up at wrong moments and can seem very cold as they are usually so short, they are a bad way to communicate important things. Try and get a proper face to face chat with your daughter. Of course you must go to Spain if you want to I hope the reality lives up to the dream for you.

Magicwriter2016.How many of us haven't been there.My kids live the other side of the world and calls they make to me are precious so I refrain from advising as I know they will do the opposite or say, Don't tell me what to do.
I learned to get on with my own life and do what I want to do as I gave up years ago trying to live a life through my children. So move to Spain its not the other side of the world is it ? .

My grown-up children tell me, "How on earth did you cope - bringing up five children on only Dad's wages, and without a car?" They think that I was Superwoman!

I, on the other hand, wonder how they cope with both of them working, children costing a fortune in daycare, and fitting in everything they need to do at the weekend.

I think “Oh you work so hard” sounds more like admiration.
Accept it as a compliment, you could reply “I expect you worked every bit as hard when yours were little”
She is praising you - enjoy!

Criticism is always heard above praise. Some mums and MILs seem to criticise everything their offspring/inlaws do because they can’t stop themselves from passing judgement, positive or negative.
For example I nowadays avoid telling my MIL anything I’m planning to do with my day when she calls, because she always makes some kind of judging remark. If I say I’m working one evening she’ll say “oh you work so hard” and it nettles me because I did not ask for her opinion, which anyway touches on my own guilt about not working hard enough. I wish she’d just stop judging altogether and instead accept the way I am. Maybe this is how your daughter feels.