MIFFED

My son borrowed a lot of money which he never made any attempt to repay. Its hard sometimes to let go of something but best to do so.

Brunette I so hope your peace making efforts go well but be prepared to have to eat second helpings of humble pie and don't say anything without really thinking about it or else it will carry on. Think about the differing replies he might make and think about the gentle replies you could try. It will be hard but worth it.
There are more fallouts over money and inheritance than anything else.

You state you do not need the money? End of.
Is not a good relationship with your son more important to you? so let him decide what he wants to do with his inheritance, not you.

All you can do is apologise and mean it. Don't go into long explanations or make the apology about how you feel or it will make things worse.

I can't help but say this......bearing in mind that we all judge/comment/advise from our own perspective: I would be thrilled to bits knowing that my son/daughter inherited money from a step parent I had no contact with. I would not have expected it myself, due to the bad blood, and would just be glad he had left it to the next generation rather than a cats home!
The only rider to that would be that my own sons would very likely, depending on the amount, have treated me to something nice, if only a meal out. None of us 'need' the money but they would have done this anyway, as they often do.

Kerenhappuch............many people today leave their money to grandchildren as they are less able to get on housing ladder than their parents and grandparents.

I can understand how you must feel hurt Brunette10. I expect this inheritance was in part from your own mum. It’s not so much about ‘needing’ the money. I expect there’s a few GN’s on here who’ve inherited money from their parents when they didn’t need it either! Your son acknowledged this. Maybe on some level he even feels a little guilty each time he spends some of it. But I do agree with everyone here. Mend the rift - today if possible. Never mention the money again IMO, not even to enquire what he’s doing with it as that could look judgemental. Hard? Yes. But doable. And worth it to get your (only?) son back. Good luck ?

So totally agree with other Grans. As per the famous (infamous?) song from the movie Frozen. Let it go. You may have had a particular scenario in you mind but it wasn't shared, it didn't need to be, just get on with your relationship with your son. Cherish what we have not a fantasy.

It was left to your son, get over it. You say you dont need it so are you jealous?

I think what Op meant was she was hoping to see a generosity of spirit from her son and she is disappointed that he didn’t show this trait. In voicing her disappointment in this lack of character she has offended her son.

Do whatever it takes to resolve this.
I’m not quite sure how you can undo what he maybe perceives as a slight on his character.

Start with sincere apologies and admit that you got it wrong.

Would like to say 'thanks' to all who returned their comments/advice. I have now truly made up with my son, had good long constructive chat yesterday. Still hate myself for hurting him so much but will have to live with that. We will all move on and return to our normal very happy family life together.

It seems to me that this was triggered by the "should have been yours" comment. Yes, in a perfect world that may be true. In this case sadly you were clearly considered part of the rift. It seems, however that the grandfather may have felt that your son had no choice in the split.
I'd like to think I'd feel pleased that my son had been thought of by the estranged grandfather.
As others have said, let this go now. After all it's a bonus. Not something anyone was expecting.
Don't let things fester between you and your son. Try to enjoy him enjoying it!

Gosh Brunette 10, you've taken a bashing on here . All for being upset and honest about your feelings !
I'm glad things have turned around for you .

That's brilliant news Brunette, I'm so glad to hear that you've made things right with your DS. I hope all goes well for you both from now on.

Dear Brunette, so pleased it’s worked out well for you and your son, inheritances can inadvertently bring so many unintended problems. ?

You said you don’t need the money. You also said you fell out with your step father a long time ago. Theoretically you shouldn’t have a problem with your son getting the money BUT was part of the money belonging to your mother who is now deceased? I ask this because it would put a very different light on the situation.

Glad to hear you’ve made up with your son, but if the money was in part originally your Mum’s, then I feel you should have had a part of it. Your step father was completely wrong to do this, knowing it would probably cause a problem. Muck stirring from beyond the grave comes to mind.

Yes it was, very much so.

I'm sorry there's a rift between you and your son. It seems to me that our expectations of others nearly always sets us up for disappointment.

I, too, have experienced this indirectly.
Childhood was not good in our family for many reasons but this is one that hurts.
We children (3) were raised by my paternal grandmother. Throughout my childhood, she always used to say that her house would be left 'in trust' to my baby brother. When she died, the house passed to my father who was a heavy drinker.
My elder sister disliked my father intensely and always used to say "he is no father of mine." Then miraculously when he was nearing death, she made him always dependent on her - visiting him, taking him food etc. When he died, we discovered my father had used her solicitor to change his will and the house was left to my sister's 2 young children. She claimed to know nothing about this but the house went on the market soon after.
My brother and I consulted with a solicitor taking along a copy of my grandmother's will. His advice was to attempt to sort it out with my sister as it would be costly to take legal action.
My brother attempted to do this and her reply was that she was to upset at my father's death to deal with it.
Needless to say, my brother didn't get anything.
My brother and I remain close but we have had nothing to do with my sister for over 40 years. We have both done well in life , I don't know about my sister. I even wonder if she will read this as she is now in her 80's.

Money is the root of all evil.
I can't for the life of me see how you could expect to benefit from the will.
I would have been pleased that my son had benefited.
Glad that you saw the error of your ways and that you have made amends with your son.

Brunette I am sorry you are hurting so much, but, along with others, I salute you for seeing that you made a mistake. That is brave, great hearted and wise. It is strangely hard to acknowledge our gifts and strengths - so much easier to hold on to what is "bad" about ourselves. Sometimes it helps to look at yourself as if you were another person whom you love - you would not "hate" them for making a mistake, and you would respect their ability to listen and learn. You can speak with truth to your son, tell him you have made a mistake you regret, and that you above all love him and want him to be happy. If you cry, or don't cry, don't worry about it either way - the important thing is to be who you are, honest and straightforward, and with love. You are being open and honest right now to hear what GN is offering you - you already have many strengths to celebrate.

At least the step grandfather left something to your son. It could have gone elsewhere, and not in the family. NOTHING would come between me and my children...especially money. I do understand how you feel, but you hadn't spoken for years, so surely this isn't a surprise. I'd be more inclined to try and make it up with your son, and try and advise him how to spend the money to enhance his future. what a great opportunity for a young man xx

Applegran thank you so much for these very kind and words of wisdom.It is so easy to 'hate' oneself and not 'love' the best bits of yourself. I lack confidence and self-esteem and have done for many years. I want to build myself up as I know, believe it or not, I am a very caring and loving mum. This is a cliche hopefully and one I want to forget.

Well done Brunette10. Give yourself a private pat on the back. A few initial misgivings and tangled emotions but you had the grace to acknowledge there was a better way to deal with the situation. We are all human and have our moments but you got there and I have no doubt that in the long term you will very glad. ?