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(73 Posts)
Brunette10 Sat 16-Jun-18 09:48:52

First time so here goes! Will try to summarise. Our son has been left a sum of money from his step grandad whom we all fell out with, too long to go into but my son said that he knows what was left should really be mine. I don't care at all about the money, we don't need it however because of what he said I thought he may have suggested that we share it. My first reaction would've been No you keep it all but the fact that he has now started spending it and has fallen out with me as I told him how I felt, i.e. not included not just the money but the whole process of the inheritance it's caused a great rift. I now feel totally gutted about everything. I just wanted him to suggest that we share it that's all. It would have been a nice gesture which I totally thought would happen.

Chewbacca Sat 16-Jun-18 09:59:03

But you hadn't spoken to the step grandfather for a very long time; why would you want any part of his inheritance? Maybe your DS visited his grandfather, or kept in touch in other ways, and thats why he was left the money. But in any event, the money belongs to your son now and he can do with it exactly as he wishes, just as his benefactor did. You admit that you don't need the money so why have you allowed it to cause another great rift in your family?

Brunette10 Sat 16-Jun-18 10:01:14

Sorry, none of us spoke to step grandad for a good few years, no visits, no contact at all. He did not want to be part of our family and that's the way it was until his death.

Nanabilly Sat 16-Jun-18 10:15:08

It's not been left to you .just because you want it ,as you clearly do , it does not mean you can have it .
I think you are behaving badly and need to get over it before another rift happens in the family.

Chewbacca Sat 16-Jun-18 10:19:33

So he left his money to his GS, as he was entitled to. And now you're on the road to another family rift - with your DS. All because of money that you've admitted you don't actually need? Sorry Brunette but I think you're making a terrible mistake on this. Don't let money split your family apart for a 2nd generation. Your DS got it. You don't need it. Move on and forget it.

MawBroon Sat 16-Jun-18 10:21:11

On very shaky ground “suggesting he share” it.
Even if he had been minded to share/buy a present, that was guaranteed to kill it stone dead.
The bottom line is it was his inheritance beardless of what he said. Was it worth falling out over it?
Make it up with him, eat humble pie if you must but relationships are much more important than money.

HAZBEEN Sat 16-Jun-18 10:26:18

Why did you feel he should have offered to share the inheritance?
If he had you say you dony need it so would you have refused?
If you had inherited the money would you have helped him out (as you say you wouldnt have needed it)?
Is your love for your son more important than money or not?
Heal the rift ASAP!

Kerenhappuch Sat 16-Jun-18 10:29:21

We've had a rift in our family over money being left directly to grandchildren - it's very sad and I never saw it coming, but I don't see how it can be overcome now.

Is the feeling it 'should' be yours because the money originally came from the estate of your mother, who was married to your stepfather? If so, I think you just have to accept that he did what he thought was right, leaving some money to 'her' side of the family, and that's an end to it. If you hadn't spoken for a long time, he had no reason to leave it to you.

Please don't fall out with your son over money - there's no reason he should share his inheritance with you, but if you make things awkward enough he just won't want to spend time with you any more. Let it go.

Elegran Sat 16-Jun-18 10:35:19

Have you heard the story of the dog in the manger? He was lying on top of the hay when a hungry horse wanted to eat it, but he wouldn't budge. He didn't need to eat the hay himself but he grudged it to the horse it belonged to.

Why are you surprised you have caused another family rift? You fell out with the stepgrandad years ago, when your son was too young to have any active part in the row and you haven't spoken to him since. Now he has left his money to a stepgrandson he probably remembers as a nice young lad who couldn't help the previous unpleasantness.

What have YOU done to deserve to benefit from this inheritance? Or to be miffed at the "unfairness" of not benefitting? And have you helped or hindered your relationship with your son by showing yourself so surly and grasping about it all?

As you sow, so shall you reap.

Brunette10 Sat 16-Jun-18 10:37:43

Hi to all and thanks for your comments. I am the first to admit I am a very sensitive person which I hate myself for. I just needed someone else's opinion. I hate myself at the moment so I just need to show my son how much I love him as have all his life and take a big step forward and hopefully bury this today. Thanks all.

Oldwoman70 Sat 16-Jun-18 10:37:48

I agree with others - don't let this cause a rift with your son. You say if he had offered to share it you would have refused, so stop making an issue of it. Let him know how important he is to you and forget about the money

mcem Sat 16-Jun-18 10:38:41

Yes YABU I 'm afraid.
Damage limitation should be your priority.

cornergran Sat 16-Jun-18 10:55:23

Oh dear. It sounds as if this is about your expectations and you re now very disappointed in your son, rather than a need for the money. I wonder, if it had been the other way around would you have offered to share with your son and how might it have felt if he had said that you should?

I'm sorry this has happened, it must be very worrying and I do agree with others, please try to mend this rift before it gets entrenched. Relationships are definitely mor important than money. Tell him how much you love him and how much you want your relationship to be a good one, admit you made an error of judgement and then hope that time will heal. I hope so for you all.

pollyperkins Sat 16-Jun-18 11:02:30

Its always nice when an OP takes advice given and admits to being in the wrong. Hope your relationship with your son will now heal Brunette10 - and well done for admitting your mistake.

Brunette10 Sat 16-Jun-18 11:12:05

That is so nice of you and at the moment it's just what I'm needing. Words of encouragement.

Luckygirl Sat 16-Jun-18 11:36:58

Reach out to your son - tell him you were out of order.

Luckygirl Sat 16-Jun-18 11:41:47

By the way I do understand where you are coming from. After my FIL died I discovered a correspondence with my SisIL in which basically she had suggested that he should bypass us in his legacy and leave to our children- because we were well-off!!! (I wish).

Luckily (funny word!) he died before the papers were completed - but he never mentioned a word of this to us.

If he had completed the papers and we had not inherited any money we would not have been able to afford to move to our bungalow, which was necessary for health reasons. Our lives would have been even more difficult.

I certainly would not have begrudged my children the money; but believe me, relations with the SisIL involved are a little strained! She does not know that I know what she did!!!

Jalima1108 Sat 16-Jun-18 11:45:56

I hope you heal the rift with your DS - as you say, it's not as if you are in need of the money and perhaps his step-GF may have thought the legacy would help him on his way to a more secure future.

glammanana Sat 16-Jun-18 11:47:53

Mend your bridges with your son asap and be pleased for him he was obviously well thought of by his SGF.

mcem Sat 16-Jun-18 11:51:31

Good for you brunette.
Let us know how it goes. Hopefully you'll soon be looking back on this as nothing more than a minor blip!

NanaandGrampy Sat 16-Jun-18 11:51:52

Mindreading never works Brunette , you should have either come out and said exactly what you meant or as you seem not bothered to ACTUALLY have a share - let it go.

Instead you have fallen out with your son over an offer you had no intention of taking up. Is it worth it? Apologise, build bridges and be more straightforward going forward.

janeainsworth Sat 16-Jun-18 12:45:07

Just what I was going to say n&g.
The lesson I would take from this brunette is in future, say what you mean. Then when people take your words at face value, there won’t be any misunderstanding or other difficulties.
I do hope you manage to make up with your son flowers

BlueBelle Sat 16-Jun-18 14:24:28

Never never never let money come between you and your children You didn’t want or need the money but were bloody miffed that your step dad bypassed you and left it to your son and weren’t very wise in telling him but we all open our mouths too soon at times
Disolve those feelings of jealousy and be glad the money will probably be useful to a younger person Tell him you were wrong and hopefully he ll understand and you ll get back on track
And yes as others have said good for you taking the posts on the chin and not going off annoyed we don’t agree
Make up with your son as quick as you possibly can, get that olive leaf polished

cornergran Sat 16-Jun-18 20:14:20

Thank you for coming back brunette, you’ve bravely acknowledged a mistake, don’t hate yourself, that won’t help fix it. Everyone makes mistakes, it doesn’t make you a bad person. Just think about mending bridges and look forward to a relaxed future. Good luck, let us know how it goes.

ElaineI Sat 16-Jun-18 20:38:46

I think everyone is correct. He had the right to leave it to anyone he wanted and left it to your son so you have to accept it. The only thing you possibly could do is gently suggest he use it for something he would not have been able to afford. You don't say if it was a lot but something like a deposit on a house, car etc. Ultimately though it is your son's choice to spend it as he wants.