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grand daughter buying a car

(112 Posts)
budds8 Mon 25-Jun-18 21:19:23

My gd asked me to guarantee her buying a car. She has never missed a payment so no cost to me. When my husband found out he blamed my dd and said her family only wanted me for my money and did not love me. He banned them from our house. This was about three years ago and me gd has never missed a payment. My dh is not their father as I was a widow and remarried. He has known my dd family for over 20 years.

Elrel Tue 26-Jun-18 10:16:52

And you’re still with him because ...?
Was this a change in personality 3 years ago? Did your husband welcome your family before? In other words, could he be unwell?

lollee Tue 26-Jun-18 10:16:55

I would never allow a partner, husband or not, who is not my children's father, to forbid them to my home. Is it yours or his or co-owned?
I would rather live alone and see my family than live under the diktat of a partner, how dare he treat you that way. I bet he has no family, or if he does no good relationship with them, he is probably jealous.
However you look at it he has no right to lay down the law forbidding your family to visit over a question of YOUR money, different if it had been his.

mabon1 Tue 26-Jun-18 10:26:44

The question is does your other half love you?

merlin Tue 26-Jun-18 10:31:20

Love and finance are two completely separate issues. Your husband has no right to tell you how to manage your finances if they are separate from his and telling you your family do not love you is a way of controlling you. Fear of not being loved is a universal fear and as such an awesome weapon for those who 'have to' control their 'nearest and dearest'.

If you trust your gd it is your right to do as you feel is correct. I know it's over 40 years ago now and financial dealings are very different but when I left university with a good job I was still not considered a good risk for the banks to make a loan. My father guaranteed a loan so that I could buy a car and I would never have dreamt of defaulting on any payment.
You have very generously guaranteed a loan which will both improve your gd's credit rating and her life as a car is a essential part of modern life for many people. You are to be commended not critisized.

holdingontometeeth Tue 26-Jun-18 10:32:49

Your husband doesn't need to purchase a doormat with you being about.
He is an utter bully and the fact that he has banned your family from. Your home, coupled with the fact that you allow him to do it,leaves me cold.
Bullies need to be confronted. His greatest weapon over you is your fear of him.
As others have said, invite them around.
See how he reacts. Shouting or threats that put you in fear is not acceptable. Phone the Police. Have a word with Womens Aid. They can advise you of your courses of action.
Easy for us to advise, I know that it will take exceptional courage for you to stand up for yourself.
The buzz of self respect that you will feel be more than worthwhile.
Best wishes.

ReadyMeals Tue 26-Jun-18 10:37:57

The bit that shocks me the worst about this is how cruel he was saying they only wanted her for her money. a) he can't possibly know and b) passing on comments like that cannot ever be a positive. I'd have said "You think so? Well time will tell..." and carry on thinking what I wanted to think and doing what I wanted to do about seeing them. I think he's just a bit jealous cos maybe he's not as close to his own kids as he'd like to be smile Make sure you keep seeing your family, Budds8!

GabriellaG Tue 26-Jun-18 10:41:10

Why didn't your GD ask her M or F to co-sign the finance and for how long does it last?

wilygran Tue 26-Jun-18 10:46:08

I can understand not discussing your finances if you've always been used to working & managing your own spending. I've always done this (two single accounts & one shared household acct). I deliberately never consulted DH about various things because I knew he & I don't see eye to eye on some matters, and I couldn't be bothered with any arguments when I knew I would do it anyway! So I don't judge others who do the same! However, I know he would never feel entitled to ban anybody the house. In an extreme case he might excuse himself from visiting a family member's house, if he didn't approve of their behaviour for some reason. But trying to control your partner's choice of friends/family in their own home is a whole different level of controlling behaviour and it must make you very unhappy & he must know that. That's not good.
PS When me & my DH have come to a serious disagreement once or twice he has always recognised when his attitude is making me really unhappy & agreed to compromise. We've lasted 40 years though I never told him what I paid for the new carpet, which might make him cry!

Apricity Tue 26-Jun-18 10:50:42

Your money, your decision what you do with it. Good decision or a bad decision it's your money. Presumably you have a financial arrangement with your husband about your living expenses so he is not ending up funding a shortfall due to you lending or guaranteeing funds for your family?

The really big question is why on earth you have allowed him to deny your family the opportunity to come to your house? It's one thing to have different views about money or lending to ones children but this is a whole different kettle of fish and raises a lot of questions about motive, control,
and why you are married to him.

inishowen Tue 26-Jun-18 10:52:15

Tell him you want him out of the house because you are inviting your family around. He sounds awful. Any chance you can leave him?

keffie Tue 26-Jun-18 10:52:45

Do you realise this is domestic abuse? I don't think this will be an isolated incident of abuse either. You probably don't realise it as abuse takes on many forms and many are subtle.

This link is the website for the UK website of Women's Aid

There is a check list further down the page: read each guideline on each link. I would be very surprised if you dont recognise other things on it.

You may try to excuse/ignore (think no that doesn't happen) some of what's on the guidelines or minimise it if it is the first time of looking at this. That is a very common. It can be quite a shock.

I know this because I have been there, done that, got the t-shirt and finally got out 18 years ago. I have built a new and happy life since.

Why the heck have you let this go on 3 years? It doesn't sound to me as it your marriage is a good one though you may not realise it.

Your husband is controlling and that is abuse. It is now your option to explore and make informed choices which you can do with women's aid. Please get some outside impute

NemosMum Tue 26-Jun-18 10:54:06

This leopard will not change his spots. Give him his marching orders!

newnanny Tue 26-Jun-18 11:01:16

Don't let any man stop you from seeing your dd or dgc. Your dgd has shown she is reliable in paying back the loan and not missed a payment. She is probably really grateful to you for being a guarantor for her and by paying back every month she will be building up her own credit rating. Your dd and dgd are you family and if you love them so not let your dh to stop you from seeing them. He is treating them like they are criminals. I would tell him to either back down or move out, as I would just not tolerate being told my family were not welcome in my home. I do hope you are still seeing your family regularly.

Pinny4 Tue 26-Jun-18 11:19:15

I would leave him. No amount of financial security is worth living a life being bullied and controlled like that. What kind of value is in a relationship where you have to keep secrets because of fear of his wrath?

maur59 Tue 26-Jun-18 11:29:05

I would tell hubby to take a running jump

justanovice Tue 26-Jun-18 11:35:23

I agree with merlotgran. It's time to put your foot down.

Coconut Tue 26-Jun-18 11:39:20

No man on the planet would ever tell me that I could not have my family round, and as others have said this is controlling behaviour and it’s mental abuse, how dare he. He must be a hard and cruel man to even put you in this very hurtful position. Invite all your family round for a party ! And tell DH ( altho there is nothing dear about him) that if he doesn’t like it, he knows where the door is. Life is just too short to be apart from those you love and don’t ever let anyone make you feel so sad or tell you what you can and can’t do .... this is 2018 and we are equal in every single way.

Barmeyoldbat Tue 26-Jun-18 11:41:25

I would suggest leaving him you really don't need this sort of man in your life.This is domestic abuse by control. I would also suggest either standing up to him and telling him that you will see ;your family in your home whether he likes it or not. Would also suggest you get some help, Citizen Advice, dr or police can point you in the right direction. My daughter reported her husband to the police and a warning from them did the trick.

Chinesecrested Tue 26-Jun-18 11:47:34

Come on OP, where are you??

Nannan2 Tue 26-Jun-18 11:49:12

It sounds like hes a bully who'se walked allover you for years and sorry to say this but you've 'allowed' him to do so! If your children&grandchildren arent allowed in im afraid if it was me id have told him to pack his bags 3yrs ago!(if its his house id have told him to sue me for it!) Or id have left him sure your daughter would put you up till you got on your shouldnt have to i know,but better that than put up with a tryant.yes you may both have your own money,but maybe hes after getting his hands on yours in a will- rather than your family,as hes trying to cut your ties with them.Sorry to be harsh&blunt,but often its only people on the outside can see a better view sad

willa45 Tue 26-Jun-18 11:57:04

Oh dear! Like so many here have said, the most troubling aspect about your post, is how your husband has banned your own daughter/granddaughter from visiting, against your will.

Your H is not your D's father or gd's grandfather, so more than likely there could be some ambiguous, negative feelings lurking about (jealousy?). Your gd on the other hand sounds both responsible and trustworthy, so why the ban?.

No matter the motive, your H's ability to control you is unacceptable and his demands are completely unreasonable! This type of behavior is not driven by love, but by selfishness and insecurity

How dare he presume to separate you from your own children? For your own happiness and self-preservation, you need to put a stop to this. Call your daughter ASAP and invite them over. Remind him they are your family too and he has no right to keep them away.

If he doesn't give in, you may have to think about what kind of man you're married to and whether or not he's worth keeping.

GoldenAge Tue 26-Jun-18 11:57:05

Men who try to force a wedge between their wives and and the children those wives have had to previous partners are quite frankly insecure and controlling - by acquiescing to this behaviour you do yourself and all other women a dis-service and you set a really bad example to your grandchildren who look to their elders for role models - you should tell your husband to mind his own business and if he can’t offer supportive comments about your children to shut up - you should also take steps to overturn his ‘ban’ - how absolutely arrogant and dictatorial - you need to ‘woman-up’ ... we’re all behind you!

lilihu Tue 26-Jun-18 12:24:48

Not sure that instructions to “just leave him” are useful when none of us know the full story. Wouldn’t marriage guidance be more useful? Does this still exist?
Talking through the relationship and the feelings, emotions, behaviours etc often reveals the underlying issues. Many couples cannot do this truthfully without the aid of a go-between.
As the problem has endured for 3 years, there does not seem to be an immediate need to reach a decision. If the OP still loves her husband and wants to stay with him, despite the awful treatment, surely all attempts to resolve the dispute should be tried?
If the husband wants to save his marriage and the OP wants to stay with him but also resolve the issue, maybe talking through it will bring him to a realisation?
Relationships are rarely cut and dried.
Sometimes the counselling reveals rifts and opinions that will never be resolved, and that’s when “just leave him” may be the best option.
PS. I agree that his behaviour appears controlling, bullying and cruel. Who are we to decide that it can’t be fixed?

kooklafan Tue 26-Jun-18 12:37:27

seems to me that HE is the one who is after your money, just sayin' ...

allsortsofbags Tue 26-Jun-18 12:43:49

Just quickly read this and some, not all, the responses.

First thought is he wants to isolate you. I could be so wrong but seems like he wants You to do just what He wants with who you see in you home, how you spend, yet he gets to do/see/not see just who/what he wants.

My Q is did you really have to tell him about your agreement with GD ? If you didn't have to tell him, what prompted you to share that info with him knowing the "Ban" (I wouldn't be having that) on your family visiting.

I'm making some leaps here and I could be so wrong but I think you have a bigger problem than his objection to your agreement with your GD given the "Ban" on family visits to your home.

The fact that he has his own money with full say and you have yours with his say is ringing bells with me but I may just be seeing problems where there aren't any but Oh Boy would I be taking a hard look at other "controlling" behaviours.

Good Luck and Best Wishes because you aren't in a healthy or happy place right now.