Gransnet forums


grand daughter buying a car

(111 Posts)
budds8 Mon 25-Jun-18 21:19:23

My gd asked me to guarantee her buying a car. She has never missed a payment so no cost to me. When my husband found out he blamed my dd and said her family only wanted me for my money and did not love me. He banned them from our house. This was about three years ago and me gd has never missed a payment. My dh is not their father as I was a widow and remarried. He has known my dd family for over 20 years.

Oopsadaisy53 Mon 25-Jun-18 21:43:30

Well, I assume that you are still seeing your GD outside of your home? You obviously didn’t feel that you needed to speak to your OH about the agreement that you made with your GD.

But I assume that he is concerned that she will stop the payments on the car and leave you with the debt.

Although I’m not sure what your question is about? If you’ve let your OH dictate who comes into your house for 3 years I wonder why you have let it go on for so long.

Grannyben Mon 25-Jun-18 21:44:24

Have you had contact with your d.d and g.d since your husband banned them from your home?

phoenix Mon 25-Jun-18 22:10:08

3 years ago? confused

merlotgran Mon 25-Jun-18 22:50:43

I'd have told the miserable old git to sling his hook.

Three years ago.

M0nica Mon 25-Jun-18 23:07:21

It is nobodies business but yours what you do with your money. Are you sure it isn't he who wants you for your money?

budds8 Mon 25-Jun-18 23:34:25

Caused a lot of bother. I have not got a lot of money. My dd said just because he said that does not make it so. Everything is so sorrowful. I have four grand children with my daughter and none of them can come to the house. My family (mum and dad now dead) have never had such a case.

budds8 Mon 25-Jun-18 23:43:40

We both have our own money. And i do not question what he does with his. The problem is he does not believe that my dd did not know what dgd asked me to do. It is all such a mess. I still feel very negative about it all. Cannot forgive my dh for his attitude. Miss having my family around me.

agnurse Tue 26-Jun-18 00:26:45

I think your DH was definitely BU. That said, personally I would never co-sign a loan for anyone else. I'm sure GD is lovely, but even lovely people can fall on hard times and get into debt.

Definitely agree on seeing them without DH.

BlueBelle Tue 26-Jun-18 01:00:22

Well he sounds a ‘great’ bloke I don’t think I m afraid no man would ever tell me who in my family i could or couldn’t see
he banned them from our house is it OUR house? if it’s equally yours then you can have who you want to the house if it’s his house he can put his foot down but I d be leaving him and his house to rot I m afraid
I totally agree with Monica it’s probably him who wants your money
If you trust your granddaughter and she obviously hasn’t let you down and it’s your money it absolutely none of his business I don’t like the sound of this man is he so controlling over your life in general ?

Chinesecrested Tue 26-Jun-18 07:13:00

I would tell him this nonsense has got to stop NOW. I'm surprised you let him get away with it for so long! What happens when these grandchildren get married? Will you not be allowed to go to their weddings?

mcem Tue 26-Jun-18 07:49:01

He won't allow them to visit!
When did you agree that he has the right to veto?
Do you have equivalent rights to allow or disallow his activities?
Frankly I don't see this as a financial issue but as a control issue.
Pleased that your GD has met her responsibilities but what must she and the rest of your family be feeling now?
I do not understand why you ever let this happen. You must stand your ground against this controlling behaviour. If ever you had to 'choose sides' you'd be better off with a loving family than a selfish bully!

knickas63 Tue 26-Jun-18 09:04:27

I'm sorry - but I'd tell him to Do One! Time to tell him a few home truths and reunite your family! As for the cosigning? Absolutely nobody's business but yours. Some people are very precious about money and sharing, others not so much. I would give my family the shirt off my back if they needed it. My friends mother would see them starve rather than help - as it was their own fault (Business problems since resolved). Keep up as much contact with your children and grandchildren as possible. TELL your DH that YOUR children are welcome in YOUR home.

Iam64 Tue 26-Jun-18 09:21:52

What everybody else said - who does he think he is
By the way, I'd be happy to co sign a loan for my children or grandchildren who had been reliable throughout their lives. Why wouldn't we.

MawBroon Tue 26-Jun-18 09:27:46

Forgive me if this is being intrusive but are you from a culture where men (attempt to) dominate family life?
He sounds excessively controlling and domineering and I wonder why you might not have noticed it before.
Other than that, I would say Ignore his clumsy attempts to rule your life.

M0nica Tue 26-Jun-18 09:32:02

budd pick up the phone, text or email and ask your daughters and families round for lunch on Sunday. Tell your D(?)H and if he complains tell him that if he doesn't want to see them he can go out for the day.

What right has your DH to make decisions on whether your family love you or not. They are your children and grandchildren and you know, better than he does whether they love you or not.

i can understand him perhaps being concerned and more cautious at the start of the loan, but as everything has gone well for several years, he should have realised by now that anyone who is repaying every penny of a loan that they took out and you guaranteed, is hardly after your money.

What else in your life does he control? Was your first husband controlling like this so that it is what you are used to?

antheacarol55 Tue 26-Jun-18 10:03:20

I would ban him from the house sounds like he only wants you for your money.
Sorry for sounding harsh but that's what I think .

Grandmamoel Tue 26-Jun-18 10:05:56

No man would stop me seeing my family. It is your home . If he doesn't want to see them he can go out. You say you don't know what he does with his money so he has no right to dictate to you want you do with yours. How have you let it go on so long. Do you see your daughter and grandchildren?

glammanana Tue 26-Jun-18 10:07:59

budd Has this man been like this since you married him did you know he was so controlling ? I bet he kept it to himself.
There is no way my hubby would tell me who could come to visit at OUR home he would have his bags packed so quickly to say the least.
Do as MOnica says and invite them around and tell him to make do or go out for the day.

vintageclassics Tue 26-Jun-18 10:09:09

What a bully! I'd tell him your family have every right to visit at your request (it's your home too!) - HE CAN LEAVE if he doesn't like it - what a horrid and wholly unreasonable man

sazz1 Tue 26-Jun-18 10:10:19

My first husband was like this and we lasted for 3years. I was 18 and naive. Don't let anyone control you or your visitors that's not love.

Coco51 Tue 26-Jun-18 10:11:04

Well said merlotgran

DotMH1901 Tue 26-Jun-18 10:12:27

I thought the same things as the other posters initially - then I thought - did you OH know about the co-signing from the start or did he only find out recently?? It might be more that he was concerned you stood as guarantor without telling him than actually about whether your GD paid the loan off promptly. Is it more a case that you don't communicate with each other perhaps?? As to banning your DD and GC from the house - is it His house or Your house or mutually shared? Even if it is His house he is being unreasonable - does he have children/GC himself? If he does and they visit then I would insist that my own DC and GC were allowed to come to see me. If he doesn't want to be there then he can always go out. Either way I think you definitely need to talk to each other about it and why he thinks your DD and GC are after your money!

DeeDum Tue 26-Jun-18 10:13:05

Isn't it both your homes? Your husband sounds a self centred bully! If you can't do what you want in your own home, I would question why stay with him,..

Jaycee5 Tue 26-Jun-18 10:14:31

Why did you accept the ban? Are you scared of him? This sounds a bit sinister frankly. There is not really enough information for people to really give their view on this. How about friends? Can they visit. Isolating people from their family and friends is a worrying sign.