AIBU wanting him to die quickly?

I am sitting with tears in my eyes Dragonfly. Please don't feel guilty. Sending you big hugs.

So sorry to hear about your Dad dragonfly. Don't feel guilty. Your Dad has, understandably, had enough and it's no wonder you are wishing for him to be at peace and out of pain. I think I would feel the same.

I think the nurse must be a bit stupid, and totally insensitive.

dragonfly

The answer from me is not to feel guilty but the fact of the matter is that is how most people at one stage of going through the trauma of dealing with your problem will no doubt have felt the same, I certainly did!

When the body no longer has the will and life becomes simply too hard to cope with then all we can do as loving wives, husbands , children carers can do is guarantee and know we did everything we could by giving our love and support and sadly accepting the inevitable.

Do try not to be so harsh on yourself but the whole gambit of emotions are sent to try at such moments in our lives. Peace to your father .

I too send my sympathy dragonfly. My mother was in care for 4 years with dementia. By the time she passed away at 92 she was bedridden, blind, deaf and had gone into the foetal position. I felt only relief when the phone rang that morning that she was finally at peace. My dad was like yours - although he too had dementia he was functioning with carers for a year after mum went into the home. He just kept saying he wanted to go and once he'd fallen and gone into hospital I believe he had enough mental capacity to determine he wasn't going to join her in there and stopped eating - he died 3 months later. Please don't feel guilty for wanting your father not to suffer any more

Absolutely DO NOT feel guilty. What have you got to feel guilty about? You did not create his health problems, his bed sores, his loss of control and dignity. He is making a rational decision, as did my GM - she refused all food and drink when she could see the way the land lay.

RThe nurse was being quite ridiculous. UNless she is blind and daft, she can surely see why he feels his life has come to an end in any meaningful way.

Is she implying that there is something you might do about it? Does she really think that there is anything that you or anyone else can do other than make him comfortable?- and that is her job, so if anyone should feel guilty, it should be her. There is no need at all for people to have bed sores like that nowadays. Good professional nursing should see to that.

My OH's life is gradually becoming less and less meaningful, in spite of a loving family and every medical help. His quality of life is very poor, not because he is bedridden, but because he feels dreadful for all but small windows of time, and his anxiety levels are crippling.

There does come a moment when all of us are likely to have to ask ourselves whether we or are loved ones have meaningful lives any more. It is not anyone's fault - it is just life's reality.

Hold your head up high, ditch the guilt and save your emotional energy for getting through each moment of this sad situation. My heart is with you.

dragonfly46 my thoughts and wishes go out to you. Is your DF having appropriate pain relief and treatment for his bed sores? If he is without pain, perhaps he will just relax and drift away.

Please do not feel guilty, you just want what is best for your DF, it is so sad that we cannot see animals suffer, but us Humans have to struggle on regardless ????

I was talking about this with my DD recently. That I feel guilt about both my parents dying. I even feel quilty about the family pets, though there´s no way you can compare. Guilty about not having done more, visited more often, battled for different treatment, different medication. Guilty about not being able to spur them on to keep going. Guilty about the enormous relief I felt when it was all over. I guess that this is just the way it is. My heart goes out to you dragonfly46, you are very brave in being able to say how you feel.

Don’t feel guilty. You can see he is suffering and unhappy, and you just wants relief for him. I felt exactly the same about both of my parents at the ends of their lives. My father just avoided the situation your father is in, but at 94 he could see something similar coming. He was becoming incontinent, and getting less and less mobile. I was very relieved when he just died, without any obvious cause except old age.

My mother had two strokes and the second one killed her. She had no quality of life left at all. Every time I hear a long life being quoted as if it’s the most wonderful thing in the world I think how untrue that often is.

Sending huge sympathies dragonfly. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all; you are thinking with love, a true love which sees and understands your DF’s needs. I am facing a very similar journey with my DM at the moment and I found getting a Respect form drawn up with the GPand the care home gave us a clear pathway forwards, with care, responsible pain relief and compassion. I hold an EPA for my DM so maybe this is something you could look at. It means that there are no more lifeprolonging treatments when Mums quality of life can’t be improved.
I hope you both find some peace.

Oh Dragonfly, my heart goes out to you. I can remember mum saying that she had had emough, and "they shoot horses, don't they?" Perhaps it's because they remember all the things that they were able to do, and can do no longer, friends and partners are gone, or ill, and they feel a burden. I don't really know how to confort you, but others may have some wise words for you. Take care of yourself, and try not to feel guilty. . for you.

That's so understandable, dragonfly. It's unfortunate that modern medicine combined with the older generation's strength of will brings this situation about.

I too hope that end is around the corner and is peaceful and painfree.

Don't feel guilty. I felt just the same when my mother's end of life dragged on and on and she too suffered from awful bed sores and was bedridden. I don't blame the nurse for asking the question because horrendous bed sores would be a cause for concern.

A peaceful end is obviously what we all hope for our loved ones so don't be hard on yourself.