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AIBU wanting him to die quickly?

(38 Posts)
dragonfly46 Sun 01-Jul-18 13:06:44

I am not sure which forum to put this in but my dad is 96. He has always been in control of his life but just recently he has found he cannot stand, walk, even turn in bed without help. He wants to die. He lives in a care home with my mum but she is in a different unit because she has dementia and he seems quite happy not to see her at all. He wants to remember her how she was I think and he is having to concentrate on himself. He is still quite with it but in the last four weeks he has gone downhill massively. He is getting confused which is a new symptom. He went to hospital last week because they thought he could have sepsis but they sent him straight home as he refused treatment. He just says he wants to die. I have just been to see him and the nurse was there and told me his bed sores are horrendous and he is very poorly. He now has to stay in bed which he hates. She made me feel guilty by asking me why he wants to die and I felt like saying 'isn't it obvious' - he has lost all control of his life. I just want it to be over as soon as possible but feel guilty still.

merlotgran Sun 01-Jul-18 13:16:20

Don't feel guilty. I felt just the same when my mother's end of life dragged on and on and she too suffered from awful bed sores and was bedridden. I don't blame the nurse for asking the question because horrendous bed sores would be a cause for concern.

A peaceful end is obviously what we all hope for our loved ones so don't be hard on yourself.

kittylester Sun 01-Jul-18 13:18:16

That's so understandable, dragonfly. It's unfortunate that modern medicine combined with the older generation's strength of will brings this situation about.

I too hope that end is around the corner and is peaceful and painfree. flowers

Auntieflo Sun 01-Jul-18 13:20:16

Oh Dragonfly, my heart goes out to you. I can remember mum saying that she had had emough, and "they shoot horses, don't they?" Perhaps it's because they remember all the things that they were able to do, and can do no longer, friends and partners are gone, or ill, and they feel a burden. I don't really know how to confort you, but others may have some wise words for you. Take care of yourself, and try not to feel guilty. flowers. for you.

Mamissimo Sun 01-Jul-18 13:23:11

Sending huge sympathies dragonfly. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all; you are thinking with love, a true love which sees and understands your DF’s needs. I am facing a very similar journey with my DM at the moment and I found getting a Respect form drawn up with the GPand the care home gave us a clear pathway forwards, with care, responsible pain relief and compassion. I hold an EPA for my DM so maybe this is something you could look at. It means that there are no more lifeprolonging treatments when Mums quality of life can’t be improved.
I hope you both find some peace.

Grandma70s Sun 01-Jul-18 13:27:10

Don’t feel guilty. You can see he is suffering and unhappy, and you just wants relief for him. I felt exactly the same about both of my parents at the ends of their lives. My father just avoided the situation your father is in, but at 94 he could see something similar coming. He was becoming incontinent, and getting less and less mobile. I was very relieved when he just died, without any obvious cause except old age.

My mother had two strokes and the second one killed her. She had no quality of life left at all. Every time I hear a long life being quoted as if it’s the most wonderful thing in the world I think how untrue that often is.

polyester57 Sun 01-Jul-18 13:29:52

I was talking about this with my DD recently. That I feel guilt about both my parents dying. I even feel quilty about the family pets, though there´s no way you can compare. Guilty about not having done more, visited more often, battled for different treatment, different medication. Guilty about not being able to spur them on to keep going. Guilty about the enormous relief I felt when it was all over. I guess that this is just the way it is. My heart goes out to you dragonfly46, you are very brave in being able to say how you feel.

GrannyGravy13 Sun 01-Jul-18 13:30:07

dragonfly46 my thoughts and wishes go out to you. Is your DF having appropriate pain relief and treatment for his bed sores? If he is without pain, perhaps he will just relax and drift away.

Please do not feel guilty, you just want what is best for your DF, it is so sad that we cannot see animals suffer, but us Humans have to struggle on regardless ????

Luckygirl Sun 01-Jul-18 13:34:04

Absolutely DO NOT feel guilty. What have you got to feel guilty about? You did not create his health problems, his bed sores, his loss of control and dignity. He is making a rational decision, as did my GM - she refused all food and drink when she could see the way the land lay.

RThe nurse was being quite ridiculous. UNless she is blind and daft, she can surely see why he feels his life has come to an end in any meaningful way.

Is she implying that there is something you might do about it? Does she really think that there is anything that you or anyone else can do other than make him comfortable?- and that is her job, so if anyone should feel guilty, it should be her. There is no need at all for people to have bed sores like that nowadays. Good professional nursing should see to that.

My OH's life is gradually becoming less and less meaningful, in spite of a loving family and every medical help. His quality of life is very poor, not because he is bedridden, but because he feels dreadful for all but small windows of time, and his anxiety levels are crippling.

There does come a moment when all of us are likely to have to ask ourselves whether we or are loved ones have meaningful lives any more. It is not anyone's fault - it is just life's reality.

Hold your head up high, ditch the guilt and save your emotional energy for getting through each moment of this sad situation. My heart is with you. flowers

Willow500 Sun 01-Jul-18 13:42:40

I too send my sympathy dragonfly. My mother was in care for 4 years with dementia. By the time she passed away at 92 she was bedridden, blind, deaf and had gone into the foetal position. I felt only relief when the phone rang that morning that she was finally at peace. My dad was like yours - although he too had dementia he was functioning with carers for a year after mum went into the home. He just kept saying he wanted to go and once he'd fallen and gone into hospital I believe he had enough mental capacity to determine he wasn't going to join her in there and stopped eating - he died 3 months later. Please don't feel guilty for wanting your father not to suffer any more flowers

POGS Sun 01-Jul-18 13:52:19


The answer from me is not to feel guilty but the fact of the matter is that is how most people at one stage of going through the trauma of dealing with your problem will no doubt have felt the same, I certainly did!

When the body no longer has the will and life becomes simply too hard to cope with then all we can do as loving wives, husbands , children carers can do is guarantee and know we did everything we could by giving our love and support and sadly accepting the inevitable.

Do try not to be so harsh on yourself but the whole gambit of emotions are sent to try at such moments in our lives. Peace to your father .


Eloethan Sun 01-Jul-18 14:05:15

So sorry to hear about your Dad dragonfly. Don't feel guilty. Your Dad has, understandably, had enough and it's no wonder you are wishing for him to be at peace and out of pain. I think I would feel the same.

I think the nurse must be a bit stupid, and totally insensitive.

annep Sun 01-Jul-18 14:05:31

I am sitting with tears in my eyes Dragonfly. Please don't feel guilty. Sending you big hugs.

BlueBelle Sun 01-Jul-18 14:18:05

my heart goes out to You Dragonfly I ve just sat and had a cry I was with both my parents when they died my mum was in a home for seven years with Alzheimer’s for about five years my dad used to visit a few times a week I took him I used to go every day after work but it was horrendous towards the end she couldn’t hear ( she had been partially deaf since a young lady) she had cateracts so very little sight, she was doubly incontinent, she couldn’t walk her legs had actually locked into a crossed position how she sat, She didn’t know anyone she was sometimes very angry and sometimes tearful I actually prayed for it all to end but when it did at age 90 I was absolutely riddled with guilt As an only child I had to sign for her not to be resuscitated when she was taken to hospital she lasted 24 hours and I sat with her in a complete daze
I can’t offer you any words of wisdom but please know I m feeling for you xx

Jalima1108 Sun 01-Jul-18 14:24:17

There is no need at all for people to have bed sores like that nowadays. Good professional nursing should see to that.
An elderly relative (part of our wider family) was suffering like this recently and developed bed sores.
When his DIL went to visit she was appalled (she is a NHS Consultant) and said there is absolutely no need for bed sores such as he had.

This is what my DM used to say dragonfly; she was just fed up I think, unable to look after herself but not as bad as your poor father seems to be.

Don't let the nurse make you feel guilty - she should be feeling guilty herself for letting him develop the bed sores, I feel quite angry for him and on your behalf.


SueDonim Sun 01-Jul-18 14:24:33

That's so sad, Dragonfly. Please, don't feel guilty. I think nowadays we are very good at keeping people alive but we are not good at giving them any quality of life.

I hope your dear dad can be made comfortable and that he leaves this world quietly and peacefully. flowers

sodapop Sun 01-Jul-18 14:28:40

Totally right Suedonim I cannot add to your comments. flowers

That nurse was so insensitive, one wonders why she is in a caring profession.

Fennel Sun 01-Jul-18 14:30:38

The poor man dragonfly it's not your fault. Sounds like his mind is still 'all there' but his poor old body can't fight any more.
PG his wish will be granted soon.
I'm not so far from that situation myself.

OldMeg Sun 01-Jul-18 14:41:28

A tough time for you dragonfly. Not sure that it’s akways wrong to overmedicate when the patient feels their time has come.

Fennel ?

oldbatty Sun 01-Jul-18 15:06:38

dear me this is a terrible problem and one very close to home for me now.

I agree there is no need for bed sores.
Its all wrong isnt it?

oldbatty Sun 01-Jul-18 15:09:22

What is an EPA please?

Witzend Sun 01-Jul-18 15:13:14

You shouldn't feel bad at all. When someone's quality of life is so poor, when they are miserable and uncomfortable or in pain, have just had enough and want it all to be over, why would anyone who loves them want their life prolonged?

I often wished my mother's life over well before it actually was. She'd had dementia for so many years and for her last few was a most pitiful wreck - doubly incontinent, not knowing any of her family, unable to hold any sort of conversation or take any interest in anything. Needless to,add, zero dignity or quality of life.

Luckily the situation never arose, but for at least her last couple of years her lovely care home staff had agreed with me that except in the case of e.g. another broken hip, there was to be no question of hospital. If Nature should finally be trying to let her go, so be it.

grannyactivist Sun 01-Jul-18 15:20:05

Several things come to mind on reading your post dragonfly; firstly, if your dad isn't on an airbed he most likely should be if he has bedsores. Secondly, I am really very sorry that the nurse who spoke to you has been so incredibly insensitive. And finally, as a Chaplain in a care home I understand why you would want your father to be at peace. Your wish for him to die is simply a brave and selfless response to his own expressed desire. flowers

thuberon Sun 01-Jul-18 15:27:53

It is for your father's sake, because you love him, that you "want it to be over as soon as possible". I felt just the same about my dear dad when he was similarly incapacitated near the end of his long and active life. Such a difficult time, but surely no need to add guilt to the mix of emotions. I wish you and your father

dragonfly46 Sun 01-Jul-18 15:37:45

Thank you for all your supportive messages. Part of the reason for the sores is that his skin is breaking down and also he has been immobile since he went into hospital for 3 weeks in January where they did not bother to get him out of bed. He could just about shuffle with a 3 wheeler before that. Also he is incredibly strong willed and would not sit on the cushion the care home provided him with as he found it too slippery. The sores have got worse because he has suddenly become quite poorly and refuses to get out of bed. When he was in the hospital on Thursday night they did not seem too concerned which surprised me. They just felt he was at the end of life stage and hopefully have arranged care with his GP. I will find out more