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AIBU wanting him to die quickly?

(39 Posts)
dragonfly46 Sun 01-Jul-18 13:06:44

I am not sure which forum to put this in but my dad is 96. He has always been in control of his life but just recently he has found he cannot stand, walk, even turn in bed without help. He wants to die. He lives in a care home with my mum but she is in a different unit because she has dementia and he seems quite happy not to see her at all. He wants to remember her how she was I think and he is having to concentrate on himself. He is still quite with it but in the last four weeks he has gone downhill massively. He is getting confused which is a new symptom. He went to hospital last week because they thought he could have sepsis but they sent him straight home as he refused treatment. He just says he wants to die. I have just been to see him and the nurse was there and told me his bed sores are horrendous and he is very poorly. He now has to stay in bed which he hates. She made me feel guilty by asking me why he wants to die and I felt like saying 'isn't it obvious' - he has lost all control of his life. I just want it to be over as soon as possible but feel guilty still.

Witzend Tue 03-Jul-18 10:30:29

Liz 46, one thing that really helped us remember our mother as she used to be, was a lovely letter she'd written (pre dementia) to us all, to be opened after she was gone. It was like having our 'old' mother back again, after she'd been to all intents and purposes lost to us for so long.

Memo to self, must do the same for my dds!

Liz46 Sun 01-Jul-18 20:11:10

When my mother died, aged 96, I felt relief. She had dementia for several years and looking after her took a huge toll on me. I remember my aunt saying 'you will eventually remember her as she used to be' and that is true. My sympathies Dragonfly.

oldbatty Sun 01-Jul-18 19:46:59

thanks for answering Bella

Luckygirl Sun 01-Jul-18 19:45:53

My OH is at great risk of pressure sores (6.7 stones and relatively immobile), and has already had one small one. As soon as this happened, the district nurses and OTs were there like a shot. He has a hospital bed that he can change position in, a special mattress, and a cushion for the day. He has a bed cradle and silicone cups for his heels in bed. He has creams and sprays to deal with any red skin. They are falling over themselves to prevent pressure sores appearing and we are so grateful for their help.

It can be done with dedication from the nursing staff.

Please do not feel guilty dragonfly - of course you want his suffering to end; and so does he. Similarly to many on here I watched all this with my parents. I felt no guilt about wishing their lives would end - it was nothing but common humanity.

Hm999 Sun 01-Jul-18 19:04:41

When looking at parental last weeks and months, think what you'd want for yourself. You would not feel guilty about not wanting this kind of life for yourself!

Bellanonna Sun 01-Jul-18 18:59:37

To answer your question oldbatty it’s an Enduring Power of Attorney

Cherrytree59 Sun 01-Jul-18 18:56:01

So Sorry Dragonfly flowers
Unbearable situation.
I have been the same situation with both my parents.
Please do not feel guilty.

Pain and suffering is only something that humans have to endure.sad

rubysong Sun 01-Jul-18 18:39:51

Like many others here, I have also been in the position of feeling the best I could wish for a parent is a swift and peaceful end. My DM had a devastating stroke and died 10 months later. I live at the other end of the country but, thankfully have a brother and sister who were able to visit frequently and make the decisions. Do not feel guilty Dragonfly. I hope this distressing time will not go on to long.

loopyloo Sun 01-Jul-18 18:07:22

Dear Dragonfly, I hope you are going to see the doctor who looks after the patients at the care home. Do ask to see him/her. Do see if you could get your father moved to a hospice. Is he on a pressure relieving mattress?
Make it very clear that you do not want him to go to hospital again but to be kept comfortable at home. You may have to put that in writing.
You ANBU. It is only kind that you wish his end to be comfortable.
My thoughts are with you.

Wetnosewheatie Sun 01-Jul-18 17:44:36

Just to say I was where you are this time last year. I was praying for the phone to
Ring with the news as my DD had suffered enough. He managed to last a month without food or fluids and just faded away which was horrendous. I feel sad that I couldn’t do more to support. I couldn’t even spend a lot of time with him as it was affecting my own mental health. You will feel guilty but you shouldn’t x

Melanieeastanglia Sun 01-Jul-18 17:34:27

You should not feel guilty. I feel very sorry for you. I wish your father all the very best and hope that his end, when it comes, is as peaceful and pain-free as possible.

Bluegal Sun 01-Jul-18 17:03:09

Not unreasonable at all dragonfly46. Anybody who has witnessed love ones suffering hope and pray they do not linger. Its not that you want rid of just want peace for them.

I do hope (and pray) your poor dad doesn't have to suffer on like this for much longer.

oldbatty Sun 01-Jul-18 16:05:22

oh my best wishes with this difficult situation.

dragonfly46 Sun 01-Jul-18 15:37:45

Thank you for all your supportive messages. Part of the reason for the sores is that his skin is breaking down and also he has been immobile since he went into hospital for 3 weeks in January where they did not bother to get him out of bed. He could just about shuffle with a 3 wheeler before that. Also he is incredibly strong willed and would not sit on the cushion the care home provided him with as he found it too slippery. The sores have got worse because he has suddenly become quite poorly and refuses to get out of bed. When he was in the hospital on Thursday night they did not seem too concerned which surprised me. They just felt he was at the end of life stage and hopefully have arranged care with his GP. I will find out more

thuberon Sun 01-Jul-18 15:27:53

It is for your father's sake, because you love him, that you "want it to be over as soon as possible". I felt just the same about my dear dad when he was similarly incapacitated near the end of his long and active life. Such a difficult time, but surely no need to add guilt to the mix of emotions. I wish you and your father

grannyactivist Sun 01-Jul-18 15:20:05

Several things come to mind on reading your post dragonfly; firstly, if your dad isn't on an airbed he most likely should be if he has bedsores. Secondly, I am really very sorry that the nurse who spoke to you has been so incredibly insensitive. And finally, as a Chaplain in a care home I understand why you would want your father to be at peace. Your wish for him to die is simply a brave and selfless response to his own expressed desire. flowers

Witzend Sun 01-Jul-18 15:13:14

You shouldn't feel bad at all. When someone's quality of life is so poor, when they are miserable and uncomfortable or in pain, have just had enough and want it all to be over, why would anyone who loves them want their life prolonged?

I often wished my mother's life over well before it actually was. She'd had dementia for so many years and for her last few was a most pitiful wreck - doubly incontinent, not knowing any of her family, unable to hold any sort of conversation or take any interest in anything. Needless to,add, zero dignity or quality of life.

Luckily the situation never arose, but for at least her last couple of years her lovely care home staff had agreed with me that except in the case of e.g. another broken hip, there was to be no question of hospital. If Nature should finally be trying to let her go, so be it.

oldbatty Sun 01-Jul-18 15:09:22

What is an EPA please?

oldbatty Sun 01-Jul-18 15:06:38

dear me this is a terrible problem and one very close to home for me now.

I agree there is no need for bed sores.
Its all wrong isnt it?

OldMeg Sun 01-Jul-18 14:41:28

A tough time for you dragonfly. Not sure that it’s akways wrong to overmedicate when the patient feels their time has come.

Fennel 💐

Fennel Sun 01-Jul-18 14:30:38

The poor man dragonfly it's not your fault. Sounds like his mind is still 'all there' but his poor old body can't fight any more.
PG his wish will be granted soon.
I'm not so far from that situation myself.

sodapop Sun 01-Jul-18 14:28:40

Totally right Suedonim I cannot add to your comments. flowers

That nurse was so insensitive, one wonders why she is in a caring profession.

SueDonim Sun 01-Jul-18 14:24:33

That's so sad, Dragonfly. Please, don't feel guilty. I think nowadays we are very good at keeping people alive but we are not good at giving them any quality of life.

I hope your dear dad can be made comfortable and that he leaves this world quietly and peacefully. flowers

Jalima1108 Sun 01-Jul-18 14:24:17

There is no need at all for people to have bed sores like that nowadays. Good professional nursing should see to that.
An elderly relative (part of our wider family) was suffering like this recently and developed bed sores.
When his DIL went to visit she was appalled (she is a NHS Consultant) and said there is absolutely no need for bed sores such as he had.

This is what my DM used to say dragonfly; she was just fed up I think, unable to look after herself but not as bad as your poor father seems to be.

Don't let the nurse make you feel guilty - she should be feeling guilty herself for letting him develop the bed sores, I feel quite angry for him and on your behalf.


BlueBelle Sun 01-Jul-18 14:18:05

my heart goes out to You Dragonfly I ve just sat and had a cry I was with both my parents when they died my mum was in a home for seven years with Alzheimer’s for about five years my dad used to visit a few times a week I took him I used to go every day after work but it was horrendous towards the end she couldn’t hear ( she had been partially deaf since a young lady) she had cateracts so very little sight, she was doubly incontinent, she couldn’t walk her legs had actually locked into a crossed position how she sat, She didn’t know anyone she was sometimes very angry and sometimes tearful I actually prayed for it all to end but when it did at age 90 I was absolutely riddled with guilt As an only child I had to sign for her not to be resuscitated when she was taken to hospital she lasted 24 hours and I sat with her in a complete daze
I can’t offer you any words of wisdom but please know I m feeling for you xx