AiBU and feeling really grumpy

Happy Anniversary MOnica to you and your DH XX I'd be grateful that she is at least coming to share your special day with you. It's difficult for people to just break off from their lives for a week where they might have other commitments, Drs, Hospital, Dentists appointments, builders or decorators booked etc. Some people have phobias about staying in places other than their homes or need to be close to their home for medical reasons. As much as I'm sure your friends and family love you, a week is a big ask of anyone (except freeloaders)

Enjoy the time with your sister and husband and the rest of the time with the others, just be grateful you have all the other friends and family, some don't have a relative in the world.

Many congratulations on your milestones.

For many of us old 'uns, staying away from home for the night or large social gatherings are hell. Don't be offended.

MOnica.I cannot understand people like yourself for who enough never appears to be enough. Your sister has her reason for not staying overnight it is not for you to question. Make light of it as should you appear to your sister to have a' look what I am offering you attitude' then you could put a shadow over the time she is with you. Would it be so difficult for you to say' perhaps another time then as you are always welcome party or no party'?

Your idea of a celebration is my idea of a nightmare, we are all different and I think you just need to accept it and be grateful she is coming for the day

Forgot to say, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to be a little bit upset, but as others have said, at least she’s going for one day, for the main celebratory dinner, so try to focus on the positive.

Monica, big congratulations on your Golden Wedding and your coming birthdays. Enjoy the celebrations, it all sounds absolutely lovely.
I’m sorry to hear about your sister, all I can offer about that is try not to be too upset (I know, talking and saying nothing) and enjoy the celebrations. My own sister has mental health issues, and therefore we have had an off/on relationship over many years, and consequently I I do understand how difficult and hurtful some of these behaviours can be. So as I said, try your best not to be too upset, enjoy the lovely company of the guests who are staying, it’s a great achievement to reach 50 years of marriage, enjoy.

Melanie - absolutely, as one gets older there are all kinds of unmentionable personal issues with overnight stays!

As others have said don't let one small 'niggle' spoil what will be a joyous occasion. My husband is shy, cant hear well and intimidated by loads of people. He is so uncomfortable in crowds although I am a party animal I respect his feelings and we don't stay either (though breaks my heart with family gatherings I'd love to be part of everything going especially if it involves the little ones as it was before I married him but that's life and the family adjusting after a while). Hope you have a brilliant week, put the past firmly where it belongs and don't overthink things especially sibling dynamics which are a minefield...?

My family dynamics with siblings has not been close mainly due to bug age difference and that I moved from area. I cannot imagine two of them (now deceased) or the remaining one willibg to stay a whole week. Perhaps a night if travelling a long distance would be the most. This would not upset me in the least knowing what to expect. You and DH are stars of the show, your sister is making an effort to celebrate, accept it and enjoy.

I really don't understand why what they are doing is not enough. Everyone is going. I think that is relatively rare and it sounds like a lovely way to celebrate.
I don't like staying overnight if I don't have to any more and find it a bit annoying to be pushed or guilted into it. In fact I stopped visiting cousins who always wanted me to stay from Friday to Sunday even at a time when I wasn't in very good health and one day was more than enough for me. I just decided I wasn't enjoying it any more so we have lost contact as it had to be their way or no way.
I hope you enjoy the event which will mean relaxing about how much everyone can give to it.

Are you telling your sister what to wear when she visits?
You come over as controlling and unreasonable in this matter.

yeh - I think she is doing the best she can she is probably paddling very hard underneath. And you know we can't always have what we want - and you are doing very well. Trust her and congratulations

I agree with paddyann in thinking you are being unreasonable. You say you are not a party animal and maybe your sister and her husband feel the same. They are making an effort to celebrate with you in their own way and it seems like a reasonable compromise to me. My husband is similarly uneasy in large gatherings like this and I wouldn’t subject him to staying the night in these circumstances. Try to enjoy what time you have with your sister - mine died quite suddenly recently and problems like this can fester if you’re not careful.

You admit that you don't see your sister that much and she's making the effort to attend two meals. I really don't see what the problem is and why it's essential for her to stay overnight. Perhaps they are breaking the journey up home by staying in a hotel but they prefer not to stay in a house with lots of people. That would be my idea of a nightmare too.

Yes you are being totally unreasonable,Monica.
It is your 50th Wediing Anniversary nobody else's.
I think your sister is doing the right thing.
I would certainly have done the same as she has.

The last thing I would want to do would be to spend a week with folk I don't know that well any more.
If that is what you and your friends want then I hope you have a wonderful week.

We had a lunch time party for our 50th a few months ago. Some people made an enormous effort to be there ( one couple flew 5000 miles) while others ( family) couldn’t be bothered to drive 120 miles. We simply enjoyed the day and the company of those who chose to attend. Your sister is at least going to be present for a day. Not everyone can do a week.

I m glad you re over it Monica not worth letting anything spoil the week however you still see her as ‘ the villain’ for letting you down but it doesn’t come across that’s she’s let you down at all really just not fell in with your complete plans However reading between the lines this is just another coal for the burning embers I guess there’s too much water under the bridge from past lives to not react as you did
Anyway you enjoy your week and hopefully all will be as smooth as a babies bottom

Good for you, just get on with all your celebrations and ENJOY!

I have no intention of letting it spoil my enjoyment. At a personal level I am over it already and in a way regret starting this thread. It was just that when her email arrived last night, I had that sudden upset, when I realised that once again was she making promises and then disappointing me, even for this special once off event, and as I was sitting at my computer, GN was a good way of venting my feeling of upset. As ever, when I woke this morning I was at the shrugging shoulders and accepting it level.

It fact her not staying has advantages, It means DGC can have their own room rather than sleeping in their parent's room on inflatable beds. If DS changes her mind again. I will regret that we don't have a space because as she said she wasn't staying, we left the inflatable beds behind.

I can understand your disappointment MOnica but just enjoy her company when she is there.

We usually have a catered celebration in our house/garden for something like this and who ever wants to, can stay until all spare beds are used then it's sofas and blow ups!

oldbatty, she is coming up for the day on Thursday to take us out for lunch. It would have been nice to have her stay until the meal on Saturday and go home Sunday. She had told me that she would be staying for 2 or 3 nights, so it was a bit of a shock, when I sent out final details, confirming dates and times etc, to have her come back and say she wouldn't be staying at all. I think it was this change of mind that so upset me.

As I said, I am so used to her behaving like this, I just thought she might have made the effort for this special occasion. 50th wedding anniversaries only occur once in a lifetime.

eazybee there is no chance at all of any feud growing up between us. As a family, we do not fall out, no matter what the provocation - and she has form. I am very fond of her, but long ago realised that the relationship has to very much be run on her terms. I do not take umbrage, but at times her behaviour can upset me. This is one of them.

justnoneed, She knows 11 of the 14 people in the party. 7 are family, I know she gets on with all of them because they all communicate constantly on Facebook.

As janeainsworth said, how often you see someone is no guide to closeness. We were brought up in any army family travelling the world, going to boarding school, but we remained a close family.

Congratulations! I hope you have a wonderful time.

Maybe your sister and brother-in-laws have medical problems. It is one thing to stay in a hotel and have to frequently get up in the night to pop to the loo but I think it would be difficult to stay in a house with other people. Without going into graphic details, many people have difficulties of one sort or another with going to the loo.

Maybe they have other medical problems which they don't wish to discuss with you.

I think it is lovely that she's coming for the celebratory dinner and to treat you and your husband to lunch on another occasion. I'd be satisfied with that.

What would you have liked Monica?

Monica - I can imagine how you are feeling, you would prefer your one and only sister there for your big celebrations. However if your BIL is shy that's probably why they have chosen not to attend to stay as everyone else has. I don't like big companies, prefer one to one with people although if I am in a big company which isn't very often I try hard but then I just start to 'listen' rather than 'participate'. Try and not be too hard on them but yes have a cry if you wish - no need to worry about that.