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AiBU and feeling really grumpy

(80 Posts)
M0nica Fri 06-Jul-18 20:56:26

This year DH and I celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary and reach our 75th birthdays. Not being great party people we decided to hire a big house for a week in a popular holiday area and invite all those who still survive from our small wedding and anyone coming into our life as the result of the wedding, DGC and DDiL' and her family, 14 in all.

Everyone accepted the invite, although not all can stay the full week. The exception is my only surviving sister. She is coming up once to take us out to lunch and also for the celebratory dinner we are hosting - and that's it. She and her DH will not be staying one night.

If I am honest, I am not just feeling grumpy, I am quite upset about it. There is nothing I can do. It is par for the course. We get on perfectly well when we see each other a couple of times a year and DH and I both like her husband, who is very shy, but they both do plenty of things apart so if he is daunted by staying somewhere with 10 people he hasn't met before, which we can understand, she could come alone for a few days.

I am going to go into a corner and have a little cry and then get over it.

paddyann Fri 06-Jul-18 21:00:36

You are being unreasonable,she's coming to take you to lunch surely thats all thats required.She no doubt has a life..and all the usual probelms etc that go with it and maybe she cant manage longer than that and doesn't want to go into the reason.Just enjoy the time she does have

MawBroon Fri 06-Jul-18 21:01:24

No comment.
But congratulations to you and your DH for getting there -we didn’t and Paw knew we wouldn’t but that doesn’t stop me being happy for you.
I hope it is a wonderful celebration for you all and if your sister chooses to proverbially cut off her nose to spite her face, so be it.
? to you!

jenpax Fri 06-Jul-18 21:06:11

Just a thought but do you think there may be a health reason that your sister hasn’t revealed to you as the reason for the reluctance to be an overnight guest?
In the run up to my diagnosis, I was avoiding staying with DD1 or 2 (both of whom invited me )but my reason was embarrassment around illness symptoms?
it’s since been discussed as I had to have surgery, and I wish now I hadn’t been so embarrassed??‍♀️

M0nica Fri 06-Jul-18 21:08:32

I would have liked her to stay the night of the party. The event is in the house we have rented, we have caterers coming in and they will have a longish journey back quite late at night. It would be safer.

LiltingLyrics Fri 06-Jul-18 21:08:58

Is there a compromise to be had? If they are travelling some distance and participating in the celebratory dinner do they intend travelling home that same day or are they stopping in a hotel nearby? Would you be able to accept the situation if they remained in the area for longer albeit staying somewhere else at night where your brother in law wouldn't feel overwhelmed by strangers?

Jalima1108 Fri 06-Jul-18 21:10:45

It sounds lovely M0nica - it was our 50th last year and not everyone could make it at the time for whatever reason.

I do hope you enjoy it and don't let this spoil it for you - enjoy it and enjoy your special lunch with your sister and her DH there too.


M0nica Fri 06-Jul-18 21:16:52

No, there is no mental health problem, she has previous, for most of her adult life she held me at the end of the proverbial barge poll, When I finally found the cause after DF died, it turned out to be something my mother said in relation to me in our teens. I knew nothing about this until she told me. Why she punished me for it, I have no idea.

To be fair, we rub along and both would rush to help each other in an emergency, But I thought, just this once, she might have made a bit more of an effort. I was obviously wrong.

lemongrove Fri 06-Jul-18 21:17:45

Many people seem to be doing this now Monica it’s a nice idea.
Perhaps your sister goes to the loo a lot during the night and feels uncomfortable with the thought of waking people, or her DH snores ( I know a couple with these probs!)
She is coming to two things, and I don’t think you should worry or be upset that they aren’t staying over,there will be a good reason for it.
Enjoy your week, whenever it

lemongrove Fri 06-Jul-18 21:19:51

Even if it is sibling jealousy ( a bit old for that?) she is making the effort to attend two meals.People are just strange sometimes.

Baggs Fri 06-Jul-18 21:25:43

Some people are not party people at all. You say it's "par for the course" so you can't be completely surprised. Since your sister is coming to mark the occasion of your important anniversary with a lunch she's paying for and a dinner you're supplying, I really don't think you've anything to complain about. It's not like she has turned down the invitation out of hand. It sounds as if she is just not a party person at all. Did you really not know that already?

merlotgran Fri 06-Jul-18 21:29:01

Just be thankful most of the people you have invited are happy to stay for a few days if not the whole week.

Your sister is not letting you down, just not staying overnight.

We had a celebratory lunch for our 50th earlier this year and heaved a big sigh of relief when everyone said they could come. I think I'd have been a nervous wreck if I'd tried to organise something for a whole week.


Jalima1108 Fri 06-Jul-18 21:48:49

If your BIL is not comfortable in company, perhaps they did not want to stay for the whole week, so have compromised and thought you would be pleased.

Some people, when they get older, just 'like their own beds' as well!

Don't fret - just enjoy!

muffinthemoo Fri 06-Jul-18 21:55:09

Maw your innings with Paw was ‘not out’.

Wicket partnership unbroken.


Eglantine21 Fri 06-Jul-18 22:04:27

Like Mawbroon, my marriage didn’t make the Golden celebrations. Didn’t even get close.

So never mind about the sister. It’s not about her in any way, shape or form.

It’s all about you two and your wonderful children and grandchildren. She is only peripheral.

Congratulations! ?

aggie Fri 06-Jul-18 22:06:13

I am at the other end of this , going to the dinner but not staying over , I am not a party person and find difficulty in talking and hearing if there is a crowd , Sister is cross and told me to go get a hearing aid ! so I am compromising and partying but not all night

NanKate Fri 06-Jul-18 22:15:52

I avoid staying at other people’s houses overnight and perhaps your sister feels the same. She is coming to take you out and that is exactly what I would do. Enjoy her company whilst she is there.

BlueBelle Fri 06-Jul-18 22:26:45

I can’t imagine having a weeks celebrations with 14 people most of whom I didn’t know so Id maybe be the sister but I think it’s really good that they are coming up for part of it I wouldn’t be upset Monica everyone’s different and maybe a crowd in a house doesn’t suit them, I know I d find it difficult
Congratulations and have a wonderful time

janeainsworth Fri 06-Jul-18 22:35:58

Congratulations on your Golden Wedding anniversary Monica.
I can understand your disappointment re your sister, but she’s coming to the dinner and taking you out for lunch. As others have said, maybe she just doesn’t want to be away from home too much.
Maybe as Eglantine suggests, your sister feels she isn’t quite part of the family unit that comprises your DCs and DGCs and DiL’s family.
But I hope you have a wonderful time anywaysunshine

Eloethan Fri 06-Jul-18 22:48:19

I too would find it difficult to stay in a house with several people, especially if I didn't know some of them very well. It's quite an intimate situation isn't it and not everybody is good at mingling, making small talk, being the life and soul of the party, etc.

As others have said, your sister is taking you to lunch and coming to your celebratory dinner so I don't think her intention is to be stand-offish.

Eglantine21 Fri 06-Jul-18 23:02:24

Oh no I didn’t mean that Jane. I just meant don’t let her spoil it because she’s not the most important person. Oh dear.

janeainsworth Sat 07-Jul-18 01:52:46

Oh sorry Eglantine I didn’t mean to put words into your mouthblush

I just meant it’s possible that Monica’s sister doesn’t feel part of the inner family circle, if that makes sense.

stella1949 Sat 07-Jul-18 04:27:14

You say you are not really party people, but you are hiring a big house for a week-long party ! I think you really are a party person, lol.

You and your sister seem to have had a fairly distant relationship why would you get all upset because she doesn't want to take part in this huge shindig with people she doesn't know.

I'd hate it myself - can't imagine anything worse than spending endless days with people I don't know. Just let your sister do what suits her and don't cry about it.

cornergran Sat 07-Jul-18 08:20:12

I understand your disappointment MOnica but please don’t let it spoil your celebration. Many congratulations on your 50 years together. Ours is next year and we’ve booked a holiday just for us as the thought of organising something is just too daunting for me.

Well done for getting the majority to agree to your plans. There are a 1001 reasons that could apply to your sisters decision. Don’t forget she will join you for a little while, I’m sure when the disappointment has settled you will be able to enjoy the time you do have with her.

harrigran Sat 07-Jul-18 08:54:33

Our 50th last October was low key, sixteen people had lunch in a restaurant and then returned to our home for cake and champagne. I think some members of the family were disappointed but it suited us.
DH and I are not party people and perhaps OP's sister is the same, just be happy she is coming.