AIBU to feel left out?

Look you can do what everyone, almost, says above and be self righteous or you can see that, with her, her cat stood for her and she trusted you and you said no. She can’t explain this because it sounds mad but this is emotional not rational or even reasonable. Say you are sorry about the cat (who is it being looked after by?) can you step in? It’s symbolic and she loves her cat. I loved my mum most when she took my close relationship with a dog very seriously, when it mattered most. unconditional, unquestioning although she herself would never have made such choices. What goes round comes round. It’s her love you want back and she yours. People haven’t evolved into different creatures because of social media.

I hope this all blows over - best to say nothing even if that is very difficult.

As far as the cat is concerned - it's just a bloomin' cat - could they not have found another home for it if they were going to be away for so long? Cats are notoriously disloyal anyway.

What a fuss and all over a blooming cat.
I never offer or agree to look after anyone's pets as you never know what 'emergencies' arise in your own life. It would also mean that, for three months, you'd be unable to go away for a day out much less a weekend away.
I hope the OP looks after herself after a trying few months.

Sit tight and hope for the best

Just waiting for the cat lovers to pounce GabriellaG!

Yes well, speaking as someone who volunteered to look after the cat and then lost it.....????

You know what, families require a lot of forgiveness sometimes. On all sides.

You both got it a bit wrong. Forgive. ?

I have a much loved cat, I'm widowed so when I go to visit DM I'm very lucky that one of my neighbours will pop in twice a day to feed him, I have a cat flap so he gets the best of both world, he's fed & in his own home. DD has taken him back to her house (he was her cat originally) but she has to keep him in as there are lots of other cats where she lives, 2 days into a stay with her & he turns into a monster

Sorry you've had so much heartache but our ACs sometimes are very insensitive. I would do as others advise, keep a low profile & look forward to a lovely wedding next year

Just one comment if you don't mind. I notice that on the two occasions that you contacted her after the wedding announcement, it was "all about you". First contact, you told her that you were upset at how you found out. Second contact, your husband told her how upset you were . It might be time to stop thinking that it's all about you and your feelings, and to simply say how happy you are that they are getting married. Then move on .

Quote 'When I came home ! I told D I could not look after her cat'.Had you confirmed cat sitting before 'in between' things started to happen ?If so when it was clear you felt your duties were to those who were ill , did you have any idea how long you would be away? if not then you should have contacted D at that point and explained you could not look after her cat. Not waited until you returned home.It was a bomb shell to D who then had to ask another to look after her cat.Put yourself in her place. She was going away for three months and a wedding to arrange.?Let sleeping dogs lie and look forward to the wedding.

Well said Jackiesue. Many young people today are selfish and it's all about them or nothing. Not all of them though and I have found within my own family that it depends on the parents and what they have learned from them.

As my old gran would have said '. Six o one and half dozen t 'other'.

4allweknow I can't really believe in the idea the wedding was meant to be a surprise for the mother, weddings simply are not used in this way. I expect the OP is right and the daughter was throwing a hissy about the cat. However, like most people here, I think this will blow over if the OP goes on communicating with the DD in a friendly but low-key way. Playing it by ear, there may some a time when it seems a good time to say to the DD "do you want to talk about when I wouldn't have the cat?" but chances are anything that needed saying or gesturing was done at the time. At least she replied to the offer of money, so that's a good sign. She probably would have felt guilty about accepting, because deep down she knows her reaction was a little selfish and that she should have told the mother first about the wedding before advertising on facebook.

Take the time they are away to look after yourself and try to get over all the trauma, I can see its been one shock after another, then when they come home wait to see what is expected of you with regards to the wedding not everyone needs mum and dad to organise or pay for anything now. Of course a personal phone call would have been nice but social media is the modern way, we have just found out about a family death way. With regard to the cat let sleeping dogs lie!

sorry should read "death that way"

Your daughter announced her wedding to you, her mother, via a family chat forum; no wonder you are upset. It was also her uncle who died suddenly and her brother- in-law who was seriously ill; as a health care professional one would expect her to be acquainted with grief and its effect.
Apparently not; or not as serious as caring for her cat. At least her fiance sounds a decent man.

With regard to your daughter's behaviour I have no advice to offer; I think it is shocking, but some of today's adult children seem to have no compunction in behaving badly towards their parents, and you will be hurt more if you pursue it.
But I most certainly would not offer any financial support again.

Yes well, speaking as someone who volunteered to look after the cat and then lost it.....????
I hope you found it Eglantine! When we looked after one once it strayed to a nearby car park and got run over

Sweetcake I’m with you!. Why do we let them stress us out so~~~~~ much. Such a thoughtless selfish generation.

Wiggy52 ?? these are for you. Your DD will come back from her holiday all forgiving and you will definitely be invited to her wedding and you did have that lovely ‘thank you’ message from her partner. Your DD should never have asked you to look after the cat for 3 months.

Whoa ... that’s harsh to say the least !
Your brother has just died and your nerves are frazzled and your daughter begrudges the fact you can’t look after the cat? Has she actually asked you if YOU need help with anything ? Grief can totally knock us for six and even boiling an egg can become a major achievement !
Try get this sorted out .. life as you have found out ( my sister died of a brain tumour also ) ..is just too short ! ...you have to try reach out to her or ask a 3rd party to help you whom you know will remain neutral ... please please reach out to her and explain your fragility ....I could say more about what happened .. just suffice to know that life can change at the throwing of a coin .... and your daughter needs bringing to her senses I feel .... she is angry ... and being influenced by something or somebody .... it is not reasonable behaviour ... try get to the bottom of what is actually affecting her .... there might be more to it than just the cat issue

this behaviour appears to be totally unreasonable from daughter and needs to be looked at for more idea of what’s actually going on with her

We can hurt our loved ones because we can get away with it ... but there is a limit as a mother or father what to tolerate ... I could write a book about a sibling ...everybody kept question my parents behaviour as this sibling was so vitriolic towards them ... that hurt me too ...no parent is perfect goodness knows I am s
Mother and I know this but there is a limit to what is acceptable when a child goes all out to hurt parents feelings ... they hurt themselves in the end really .... it’s sad ....

A bit harsh Jackiesue I take it you have had problems with your own adult children.
I don't think we should generalise, not all our children are selfish and thoughtless. In this case it seems its just a bit of a hiccup in a normally good relationship which happens to us all.
I hope things get better soon wiggy

This is probably a case of least said soonest mended, and I agree your soon to be son-in-law seems to be trying to smooth things over. So try to let bygones be bygones.

I understand why you feel hurt. IMO your DD has behaved like a spoiled brat! With serious illness in the family and only a tentative approach about the cat, she should have been big enough not to be miffed when you said you just could not cope with said cat.

In my book there is no way you let your mother read on facebook that you are getting married, nor do you discuss wedding plans with your sisters behind parents' back.

Even although you helped your other daughters with wedding costs, I would take this girl's statement not to worry about money at face value and do something else with the amount you would have given her.

Unfortunately, Jackiesue is right: this is how a good many of the younger generation behave, and commenting upon it, or telling them they hurt you will only make things worse.
But please don't say so to your DD, but let off steam here.

Thank you everyone for all your comments. They are all much appreciated. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and yes I should have said no to the cat straight away but was trying to think of a way to help out. We also have a rescue cat which wouldn't have taken kindly to an animal visitor for that along! Husband is also angry about the whole thing and is wondering if he will have a role in the wedding, but nothing has been said about flower girls, bridesmaids, ushers etc. I'm hoping this will be discussed on their return. (Verbally, not by text etc!) Oh well what will be will be I suppose. I'll just keep my head down and mouth shut. Should be such a happy time. Again thanks for all the comments.

Should be a happy time - and I'm sure it will be when they return and the plans really start to kick in. You've been through a tough time so possibly a bit thoughtless on your daughter's part to check that you were actually ok to have the cat a bit earlier. They will no doubt have had a a lot of planning to do to to go away for 3 months so who was looking after puss was obviously fairly near the top of their agenda as you'd been asked early on. To suddenly have to find an alternative at the last minute will have left her feeling a bit fraught with everything else they had to do. Probably best just to leave it now and look forward to the messages and photos which will no doubt come through while they're travelling - when they get back concentrate on what they've been doing rather than how you felt when they left. Offer to help out in other ways with the wedding if they insist they don't need the money and be enthusiastic even if you feel hurt inside.

I'm sure the cat will be fine - hopefully he'll be staying at home with someone to go in and feed him.

Your daughter has behaved appallingly. Yes, young people put lots on social media but an engagement,/wedding is not such a casual event, is it?
You have to let it go now but I would not offer money later. The cat isdue was unfortunate but your daughter knew of the emergencies in your life (Did she offer support at all for her sister??)
Take a deep breath and don't apologise. Just be normal and let her be

I know she/partner are busy but everyone has some time at home between shifts to put their lives in order. Basic manners should not be ecvuexcused sec