tell me I'm not BU

Mother visiting is not jusf another "social arrangement".
Sorry, I feel very strongly about this.

Julia that message from your son sounds just like the sort of thing my son writes! I try not to take it to heart - he can be very curt in messages but is fine when I see him. I tend to arrange visits directly with DiL - in fact he usually says 'Ask xxx' so I do and get a better response from her. If doesn't mean anything (in my case at least) except that he is busy and can't be bothered to deal with social arrangements.

totally agree loopyloo. There is so much talk nowadays about inheritance. But don't ask them to care before. And yes I know it doesn't apply to everyone but from what I hear from friends and acquaintances if does to a lot! I know people who have been told.Dont wory ab6 the attic. we'll have someone in to clear it. Not going to nostalgically go through things then! Maybe it's practical but do they have to tell us!

I suppose it was ever thus, which is why it is one of the ten commandments to honour thy father and mother.
These offspring may not have time to visit but they will have the time to collect the inheritance.

luzdoh good advice. I think that's the best approach.

JuliaSeizer44 Sorry! It must be driving you bonkers that we haven't caught up with your second message saying your son was at home when you texted him and as you said you are
just so disappointed that my sons never seem to want to see me, and I never say anything about it,
That puts such a different light on the matter!
I can only say that you are not alone. I have 3 daughters and they do not communicate with me by any means except very occasionally. I have learned not to phone them as I get short-shrift because it never seems convenient. I have decided I have to forget them to a large extent and make my life with my own friends. However I did find it impossible at the Church I attended where people all had their families living in the same town and were constantly going on about the wonderful relationship they all had with their children and grandchildren. It was impossible for me at times like Christmas so I left and go elsewhere and have not really settled anywhere.

I feel deeply for you and I would like to come up with a great idea that would make them see you a lot but it just isn't very likely. I suggest you try and comfort yourself that you gave them a good childhood and now they are safe and independent and doing well all because of the good start you gave them. Many people have adult children with problems such as drugs, unemployment, difficult divorces and so on, but your children are doing well. Congratulate yourself for that.

Occasionally we missed a Sunday visit but not often. I loved when she came to visit. I wish I had told her more how much she meant to me instead of assuming she knew. Mothers are precious, to be cherished always. Being busy wirh other things is no excuse.

I agree with Stella - how did you feel as a young mum yourself? Did you really think about whether you might be hurting your parents' feelings when you were, perhaps, less than enthusiastic in a letter/phone call? It is hurtful, but understandable I think.

I clearly remember what a drag it was to visit my parents when I was a young mother. I worked full time, had two children who played sports several times each week as well as training nights, and a husband who worked away a lot. Then in the middle of it all, my mother would ring and say "when are you coming to see us ?".

I must admit that I would have been happy to be able to text her and get some breathing space.

I guess that sometimes we forget that as grandparents we are not front and centre of our children's lives any more. Your son might have all sorts of problems going on, and contacting his mum may not be at the centre of his thoughts.

Yes, I can well understand feelings of rejection! My DIL decided to pay for the nanny to go to Spain with the grandchildren instead of me - I would have paid my way too!

When we are dead or beyond communication friends and family will grieve. Their grief will be even more acute if they also feel guilt.

I try now to visit and see those I love and cherish and I communicate to them how I feel about them.

I tell my son how proud I am of him etc. If I wanted to see him more I would tell him and I would also try to tell him the above so he understands it is about now and that I am old and not immortal.

Very sage words from Apricity. Thank you.

I’m sorry that you are feeling hurt. It must be hard being so far away from your son. I have two daughters. One has from a young child been very independent. She has a family now and long periods pass when she will not be in touch. The other has always been more dependent on my husband and I. It’s rare we have no contact for more than a couple of days.

We have just arranged to see the independent one. The date is fixed for mid September! What really worries me is if I ever had to contact her in an emergency I would have a problem, no landline, phone switched off at times, no immediate reply to texts. Hope it never happens.

I think we have to accept our children as they are. Would be reluctant to be critical in case it makes things strained. You do have my sympathies, let’s hope you hear soon that it will be possible for you to visit.

There are so many threads around this theme of parents, especially mothers, experiencing a range of painful emotions from totally rejected to ignored, unloved, not valued or rarely contacted. There are so many heartbreaking stories on GN but it seems that the fundamental issue for all of us is accepting that we are no longer central figures in our adult children's lives. And that is really hard to accept as we all know how completely our lives revolved around them from the day they were born. We loved them, cared for them, fed them and educated them while we juggled other responsibilities such as employment, households, finances and other family members. And suddenly one day our offspring are launched into the world and it's hello world, goodbye Mum. Job done.

Negotiating the new adult to adult relationships with our children and their partners and children is clearly a delicate and often painful process and we all do it differently and are working with different components. All we can do is the very best we can, cherish and nourish what we have and develop our own independent lives and interests. Maybe it's goodbye kids, hello world for us too.

Same thing happens to me it hurts .... I think young ones are so busy with work, sports for their kids, the families social life and outings as well as day to day chores they dont realise how pressured they are and anything extra just "does their heads in" I am happy to just be there with them I dont ask to be entertained and I would be happy to stay back if they had an outing I wasn't invited to, either on my own or with my grandsons. Try to put it down to them just being busy not that they dont care.

JuliaSeizer44 I totally agree with you hon. I struggle with this daily. For me it has nothing to do with not having a life. When we are very very close to our sons and then become the last person they have time for it is heartbreaking. We try so hard to act tough like it doesn’t bother us but it does. We still try to do things to make them happy. If you’d ask my son, he’d say everything is just fine! And it is. For him. I just hope he doesn’t regret it after I’m gone! Hang in there girl. I’ll be thinking of you.

Julieseizer I haven't read all the replies in detail so no doubt many will disagree with me. Firstly "That's probably ok" should be "That would be lovely mum ?". And then a follow up with date sorted saying Look forward to seeing you. And forgetting to answer as someone suggested!!. I would never have forgotten to answer my mum.
Todays children in general (not all) are much more self centred and unattached to their loving parents than we were. I am continually disappointed in mine and I do so much for them. And yes I do have a life of my own. But I love my children and care so much for them. Its too late when we are no longer here.

*accommodation. ??? meantime.

My son would be the same and I might not hear for two weeks. He is wrapped up in work, commuting and just living. I have had to learn not to let it worry me. But I would not attempt a visit in high summer as his work responsibilities are more stressful than usual with colleagues on holiday. Also demands for accommodion are high as he lives near a major holiday attraction and airport. I tell him to let me know when it suits him and his partner for me to visit. Sit back and let it work itself out.

Love it OldMeg

Our son only lives 5 minutes away, but never thinks to call in on us, we decided that maybe we should try going to their house sometimes, so text to say would it be convenient to call in for a coffee, he replied with of course, but we both felt uncomfortable, the conversation didn't flow and and we felt we were just asking them questions, all the time.We have left it 4 weeks now, and he still hasn't been in touch, only to answer a text message, I'm beginning to think, they really aren't interested in us anymore.Very sad, and it hurts like hell..It does seem to be very different now, irrespective of distances they just seem overwhelmed with their own lives .

I have a son who is very much the same. Before now I've had a text reply from him that just said "yep".
He too has always to consult his wife before making arrangements. I don't like it but I have come to accept that he's a man of few words and he's not going to change.
Once when I was upset over his lack of communication, my daughter said "oh don't get angry with him, he loves you to bits". He's never told me that but I know, because she's said so, that his wife has the same problem.
At the end of the day, it's who he is and as I love him to bits too, I have to accept him as he is.

I can see that this is hitting you hard and you may be feeling very sensitive just after your other ds cancelled a visit - but it is very difficult to know what is going on without further information
- texts are (in my opinion) always a very brief method of communication - what more of a reply were you expecting?
- the reply sounds fine to me - pretty much what one of my dds would text. Our DCs cannot make a unilateral reply without checking. What if your ds has forgotten a wedding, bbq or other commitment?
- how much time has passed since the reply? Were you expecting him to contact DIL at once and get back to you? Has it been more than 24hours? It's possible that he will wait until he gets home. I never expect instant replies as my DH has a job where personal mobiles are forbidden during the working day.

Obviously we don’t know what sort of relationship you have with your son, I am lucky there is nothing I can’t say to my 2 and they wouldn’t take offence even if they disagreed with me. We have always maintained an open, calm, loving and respectful relationship. As others have said, do talk, not text and def include DIL. There is nothing wrong with telling DS that whereas you respect he has his own life now, explain how he makes you feel. Your feelings are equally important, and if he has been offended by you in some way, he should be adult enough to discuss this.

Its normal to check first with the other half, suggest leaving it a day or two longer and then ringing, maybe in the evening asking when it would be the best time to visit.

On the 'positive' side you could always say you need to see him to discuss your funeral plans and his eventual inheritance !!!!! tell him you are about to make a new Will and are considering leaving everything to the Cats home...since the cats are more like family ...always there, always looking for a cuddle and a lap to sit on, whereas family never seem to be there for you !! See how swiftly he responds positively and invites you for the weekend .....and if not then make your new Will and LEAVE everything to charity .....................