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AIBU

drive slower daughter please

(74 Posts)
annep Wed 25-Jul-18 17:21:17

My daughter is a good driver but I am nervous when people drive fast. If the speed limit is 60 mph to me it means that's the naximum and I will happily drive at fifty. Today I sat clutching the door panel, l was so nervous. I asked her to slow down a bit and she said No! it would be dangerous. My sons won't drive at a comfortable speed for me either I'm not asking them to crawl just to slow down enough, to make me comfortable . When I drive someone I drive in a way that makes them feel relaxed. I am now in the bedroom with a glass of wine to destress. What is wrong with pleasing your (quite old, uncomfortable with speed mother.?) I think we wont be out in the car again as she said I made her nervous. She said her husband makes her nervous too by clutching the door panel and she hates driving with him as a passenger. I would never say no if someone asked me to slow down. I would be sorry they felt that way. AIBU. views please and/or advice welcome.

annep Thu 26-Jul-18 07:30:33

jusnineed of course that is true in some cases. If you're dawdling on a big open road for example. But on a narrow country road someone may be impatiently tailgating you wanting you to drive faster when it isn't safe to do so. Happened many times yesterday. Difficult to ignore. And tailgating can cause pileups when accidents occur. There are occasionally times when someone in front of you may be a bit slow, then they turn off and you realise they were looking for somewhere unfamiliar. Drivers need to have patience and courtesy.

annep Thu 26-Jul-18 07:38:15

MamaCaz I would be nervous if my daughter did lonely countryside walks, not in case she was injured but in case she met some unsavoury character. I think you should let people know where you're going and what time you'll be back. But my daughter would give me the same reaction as you probably gave your mum if I said so.

NfkDumpling Thu 26-Jul-18 07:41:35

I used to take my DM out for drives as she was housebound the rest of the time. She liked me to drive at no more than 40 although I could get away with 50 on a dual carriageway (we do have one in Norfolk). I found I quickly built up a tail of frustrated drivers and would pull in the way tractors do to let them past.

anneps DD has a point that it can be safer within reason to match your speed to the other traffic as a frustrated driver in a hurry can overtake unwisely and cause an accident. The two second rule - or even three seconds - between vehicles is more important to my mind. I once went on a police driving course and was surprised by the way they quickly accelerated up to the speed limit and decelerated using gears and brakes later than I did.

Eglantine21 Thu 26-Jul-18 09:35:05

It’s not just the issue of the frustrated driver overtaking the slow driver.

A few weeks ago a woman was convicted of dangerous driving because she slowly and carefully overtook a stationary lorry. So slowly and carefully that although the road was clear when she started, an oncoming car, travelling at a reasonable speed met her head on as she blocked the road. The judge said she had endangered life by her excessive caution.

And just recently I witnessed four cars involved in a minor collision when a driver came off a slip road onto a clear dual carriageway. However he was travelling so slowly that the distant traffic in the inside lane caught up with him in seconds and had to brake or swerve.

It’s not just about how comfortable a passenger or driver feels. They must be able to take account of traffic conditions as a whole.

humptydumpty Thu 26-Jul-18 09:53:16

When I was learning (with the AA) to drive, my instructor told me I should drive at the speed of the traffic on the road (as long as it was under the speed limit, obviously!) because it would be dangerous to drive slower as people might try to overtake and have an accident, or at the least get annoyed, also not good for their driving. I therefore have absolute sympathy for your daughter driving at 60 with a 60 limit, 50 would not be a good idea unless there are problems with the road/traffic.

muffinthemoo Thu 26-Jul-18 10:19:16

Got my license a year ago and my instructor was very clear that the examiners now expect you to drive at the speed limit unless conditions are poor.

As a late and anxious driver, I’m afraid I can’t carry nervous passengers. I get too upset and it affects my concentration.

HootyMcOwlface Thu 26-Jul-18 10:47:28

Yes muffin I was going to say that. My daughter was taught to get up to the speed limit. I think she drives too fast and it makes me nervous but I try my best to keep quiet, although I do find myself frantically pressing an imaginary brake from time to time! (We do live in a rural location with narrow bendy lanes so in my opinion it really is not at all safe to drive at 60 on them at all times!)

goldengirl Thu 26-Jul-18 10:48:07

I have been known to close my eyes on occasion or look very hard at something out of the passenger window!!! I think I'm on the slow side myself but that it's better safe etc etc

humptydumpty Thu 26-Jul-18 11:00:36

Yes, I'm afraid YABU, annep. If you feel uncomfortable with the speed, please keep it to yourself since, as muffin says, it can be difficult for the driver.

merlotgran Thu 26-Jul-18 12:01:12

I agree with the above. If I was driving at the correct speed for the road and conditions and my passenger asked me to slow down, I'd ignore them.

stella1949 Thu 26-Jul-18 12:53:40

My daughter has always driven like a speed maniac. I recall a trip when she had severe tonsillitis - she couldn't speak and her throat was almost closed over so I was driving her to the hospital. I drove at my usual conservative speed, but my very sick daughter kept making hand signals to me....I asked "what's the matter?" and she grabbed a pen and paper and wrote "Speed up ! You're on a motorway and going too slowly ! ". I had to laugh .

Jalima1108 Thu 26-Jul-18 12:56:02

It's surprising how many cars speed past on a motorway when you're driving along at 70 mph

annep Thu 26-Jul-18 13:59:52

Well obviously some people think "speed limit" means "compulsory speed". It doesn't. We went out today. My daughter reassured me, asked if I was ok, and told me she knew the road well and not to be nervous. It made such a difference. We had a lovely time.

M0nica Thu 26-Jul-18 15:57:35

DH recently passed his Institute of Advanced Motorists tests at the second attempt. He failed the first time because he didn't drive fast enough. They expect you to drive to the speed limit, unless road conditions dictate otherwise.

I understand it is a continual and never ending argument in the IOAM as to whether they should be encouraged to drive to the speed limiy, unless there are contra indications or whether they should jst drive to a speed that does ot impede other road users.

M0nica Thu 26-Jul-18 15:58:09

Sorry for all the typos.

humptydumpty Thu 26-Jul-18 16:03:32

Good to hear that annep.

annep Thu 26-Jul-18 16:43:19

thanks humptydumpty. I get what everyone is saying about driving too slow. Believe me I wouldnt do it. l am a good comfortable courteous driver. I believe in keeping my distance. I was told that you should keep one length per ten mph behind the driver in front. many don't! I am also a firm believer in treating everything as a hazard. My son was left in a coma aged 16 after being knocked down.

Nitpick48 Thu 26-Jul-18 16:54:55

My husband drives like that and will only slow down for me if I say I feel nauseous. I close my eyes going round bends, or look out of the passenger window. I grip the door and brace my feet on the floor. We’ve only been together 5 years (both 70) and I’m a nervous wreck . He thinks he’s a great driver and indeed has never had an accident but still.....

agnurse Thu 26-Jul-18 17:31:34

In my area the expectation is that in ideal conditions you should be within 10% of the speed limit. Obviously that would change if conditions are not ideal. If you drive too slowly you become a hazard.

annep Thu 26-Jul-18 17:36:59

Nitpick oh poor you! That's horrible. I think you should share the driving (assuming you do) or use public transport/taxis and meet him wherever if he can't actually consider your feelings. It can't be good for you - all that stress.

sarahellenwhitney Fri 27-Jul-18 09:27:38

Annep.I believe as a driver yourself you're more likely to observe the way another drives as not how you would.
My late DH would clutch his seat when I was the driver and I found there were times when I did the same.
Options are, sorry! ,grin and bear it or drive yourself.

schnackie Fri 27-Jul-18 09:35:51

I've posted on this subject before. The only time my daughter and I get upset with each other is when she is driving. I'm 'only' 65 now, and I'm sure it will get worse with increased age!

Magrithea Fri 27-Jul-18 09:39:20

Driving at 50 on a 60 road can cause accidents if you're holding up other drivers but you always need to take into account conditions, road etc. My old driving instructor always said drive to the speed of the road.

DH drives fast, on the brakes and often too close (imho) and we have more rows in the car about his driving than at any other time. I've become more nervous when he's driving since an accident 4 years ago when the car rolled - fortunately it was a sports car with a roll cage fitted so we got out unscathed if a little shaken!

You won't change her annep but the fact that her husband seems to find her driving stressful is interesting!

Coconut Fri 27-Jul-18 09:39:29

I put a sign on one of my sons sun visors “ better late in this life than early in the next .... love you, Mum “ ... he got the message, at least when I was in the car !!

grannypauline Fri 27-Jul-18 10:02:04

When learning to ride a motorbike my instructor took me down a road very close to my home and told me to get up to speed ie 30 mph. Next day I drove down this road in my car (better protected obviously) and I noticed that I was doing less than 25 mph, and wouldn't have felt happier doing more.

I believe the pressure on learners from instructors etc to drive to the speed limit causes younger drivers to ignore safety issues. I agree with the other posters about safe speeds.

As regards walking in the countryside, the Ramblers Association states that country walking (where personal attacks and assaults are rare) is safer than city walking.