AIBU thinking my daughter is being cruel?

I was in that situation for a while Ziggy, birthday cards being the only contact and eventually it all came right. As MOnica says she maybe just wants to build bridges slowly...and at least she’s left the door ajar.

Just ask her

I guess it depends on how we view things. It seems to be a common thing that the younger generation choose to have no or little contact with their parents. Which must be liberating at times. Think of all the ways we felt we 'had' to conform to our mothers expectations.

However if we only give with the thought of getting back - is that truly giving?

If we only give because we like the 'thank you' is that real giving?

Perhaps view your contacts with your daughter as a way for you to feel close to her without expecting anything back. Maybe do this just because you are her mum and you love her because then it doesn't much matter if she sends you cards or presents or texts in return or not.

Whatever your issues have been, the longer the rift goes on, the bigger it will become. If she won’t talk/text, send a heartfelt email or letter to clarify/explain/apologise or ask any questions you need to, to get it all resolved. Life’s just too short ?

I call it playing mind games. You end up getting used to it and shrugging it off.

Everything that Monica said makes sense - it usually does!

How can we possibly give a view on this when we have no idea what a few “difficult” years involved.

I would think she is sending cards because it was mothers day and your birthday and thats the normal thing to do, as your her mum, and that for her keeps the contact. I do feel like a previous poster said with todays mobile phones text facetime skype etc we expect a little more but dont always get it.

I would go slow here too Ziggy, but not knowing the details, which you have a perfect right to keep to yourself, none of us can give any more helpful advice.

Times have changed; our children's generation keep in contact at very rare intervals, even when there hasn't been any disagreement. Nor do they feel obliged to apologise just to smooth things over, as many of our generation did.

Basically, if they keep in touch it is because they want to, not out of a sense of family obligation.

Your daughter wants some contact, which is good. It sounds to me as if she is dealing with some things that are worrying her, these might have nothing to do with you, you know.

Or is she just jabbing you to keep the 'argument' going ? Maybe needs you and loves you but controlling the vendetta to hurt you ? I don't know quite what I mean .

Sending a card with only a signature, under the circumstances, is very passive-aggressive. You should respond with simply a ‘thanx for card’.

Sending a card is not passive nor, usually, aggressive however brief the message.

I had this with my bro after out mother died. Just b'day cards, till one year I sent a funny I knew he would like, ice broken - took 10 years for issues round death/funeral to subside till we got to that. Earlier it would not have worked.

Hi Ziggy, we can't change other people, we can only change ourselves, so your options are wide open as to how you deal with it and feel about it. I have had something similar with my daughter for 8 years now. It was terribly painful for many years but I try not to dwell on it now, she is my daughter and I love her no matter what, and since I have been trying to think lovingly of her and not see myself as a victim, she seems warmer towards me. Perhaps I am giving off a different "vibe"? Who knows, but meanwhile I get on with my life and feel somewhat better in myself. I am desperate not to lose touch with my grandchildren so, as with many of us, she has all the control.

OP Since you've never explained what the difficulties were, it's hard for us all to advise. But she is keeping in touch even if you're examining it all minutely and despairing. Keep sending your cards and presents and just wait for her to come round, leave off the texting unless you have some seriously important news to convey. That's all you can do. We don't know how "cruel" she is being by not responding to your texts unless we know the family dynamic. However hard, just get on with your own life.

Have you contacted your daughter to find out what has gone wrong between you, if you don't know I would ask how you can repair the void between you both

Oh yes it can be Baggs ...believe me!

Passive-aggressiveness, as the word indicates, is a tendency to engage in indirect expression of hostility through acts such as subtle insults.

Quote from Psychology Today.

Do you have any other children or family members who have contact?

But it might not be an insult, just all that the daughter feels she can communicate. As with all forms of communication....its highly subjective. I think only the person doing the action can know for sure if something is passive-aggressive....to the rest of us its open to interpretation. Making blanket judgements is difficult unless you know a lot more about a situation.

Can be doesn't mean the one mentioned on this thread was though, om. I was just trying to give the daughter the benefit of the doubt.

What hilda said.

Ziggy62 I'm so sorry! I have been through this! You are not alone. I can't talk long now, sorry. I am with you in spirit, just hang in there. They seem to blow hot and cold and it might be the influence of someone else. One of mine had some counselling and became a bit odd, but she is ok now. Another is very distant and very judgemental but so was her father (died by suicide 25 yrs ago, was very cruel). I think my middle (of 3) daughter is very influenced by her husband who has driven a big wedge between us. He is very nasty to me but I never know why, I am always really kind to him. She and I were such buddies and so alike. It hurts! I so much wish I had the answer. Mine all live 3-4 hours away. Please keep your friends close. I think our friends of our generation are our best support. They understand. I really believe children can be so hurtful, but I suspect they have no idea that they are doing it.
Wishing you some comfort soon, lots of love, L?

I am totally with nigglynellie. My son has not spoken to me for 7 months now. He and his wife separated and she has prevented me from seeing my grandchildren. I have txt, emailed & phoned both of them, all in vein. I cannot comprehend how "children" can treat their mothers like this, after all that we have done for them. And then to have to tread on eggshells, having to be mindful of everything that I do, or say, clinging to the hope that he will resume contact with me is unfair and unreasonable.